Not About Lumberjacks

Be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

Rockbiters

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Close-up surface of an asteroid illuminated by lighting from the left. Text reads: "Rockbiters. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund."


Find out what happens when the Forgefire brothers, while mining in an asteroid belt called The Delve, discover something that changes the lives of an entire solar system. (Yep, it’s Dwarves in Space!!!)

Content Advisory: “Rockbiters” deals with loss of life, brief mention of enslavement, and war. Some may find the battle scenes loud and stressful, but there is no gore or suffering. Think of it like Star Wars-level action and you’re fine. Also: I extend my no-swearing streak to a fourth story in a row…unless you consider a made-up, one-syllable word swearing.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Martin Goldmann.

A BIG thank you to Martin for not only allowing me to use his music for “Rockbiters,” but for composing two pieces of music inspired by the story and our brief discussions online. Check out what he’s up to here:

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund. Additional vocal effects: Cynthia Griffith.

I also want to thank William J. Meyer for always sharing sound effect techniques and other things on his YouTube channel. William does full-blown movies for your head. Check out his website for more information.

And, finally, I mentioned Martin Goldmann refusing payment for using his music. So…I made a donation in honor of his generosity to Musicians Without Borders. If you’re so inclined, you can do the same.

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Christmas Miscellany 6

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A red glass Christmas Ornament hangs from a Christmas tree branch. Behind it, blurred colorful Christmas lights. Text reads: Christmas Miscellany 6 - Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

This year’s Christmas episode consists of four stories wrapped inside a bigger story.

  • “When Anders Came Home for Christmas”: An estranged family member returns home on Christmas Eve.
    • “Santa’s Sad Helper”: An unemployed factory worker takes a job as a Santa’s helper in the hope of making enough money for Christmas presents.
    • “The Nutcracker and Elf”: Tradition and modernism battle for the true spirit of Christmas.
    • “The Red Thief”: A new friendship forms when items begin going missing.
    • “Trollsson”: The legend of the Sleeping Mountain.

Content Advisory: “When Anders Came Home for Christmas” deals with family drama, cartoon violence, crude humor, monsters, loss of loved ones, and alcohol consumption. Unless you consider “asshole” swearing, this is the third story in a row without rougher language. I’m sure I’ll remedy that in 2023!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Various Christmas tunes, all licensed from Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Tin-Hearted Man

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The head of an axe resting on a cut stump. Dappled light shines on the scene, illuminating the moss and vegetation below. Text reads: "Tin-Hearted Man. Written and narrated by: Christopher Gronlund."


When Big Nick Champeau is taken by the Thunder River, his lumber camp speculates what his life might have been like before becoming a lumberjack.

Content Advisory: “Tin-Hearted Man” deals with loss of life, child abuse, alcoholism, physical fighting/violence against others, Korean War combat, facial disfigurement, lost love, loss of a pet, and drug use. But hey — there’s no swearing!

Links mentioned in the intro:

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Sanda Marteleur, licensed from Epidemic Sound. “I’m a Man You Don’t Meet Every Day,” by Harpo Marks, licensed from Premium Beat.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Behind the Cut – In the Margins

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Left Side of Image: A cross section of a felled tree trunk on grass. Text reads: "Behind the Cut - The Not About Lumberjacks Companion." Right side of Image: A secret passage is revealed behind a wall of bookcases full of collectible books. Text Reads: "In the Margins. Commentary by: Christopher Gronlund.

In this behind-the-scenes look at the latest Not About Lumberjacks story, I answer a listener question about the narrators I choose to sometimes work with. After that, I talk about how I have never been much of a fan of puzzles and riddles, but why I chose to write a short story featuring both.

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In the Margins

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A secret passage behind a wall of filled bookcases. Text reads: In the Margins. Written by: Christopher Gronlund. Narrated by: Cynthia Griffith.

When Kenna Baynes discovers a strange book in her college library, she finds something in the margins that changes her life forever…

Content Advisory: “In the Margins” almost doesn’t merit a content advisory. There are a couple moments of light suspense and mention of college debt. There’s no swearing, but the tale does allude to a word many find offensive.

Links mentioned in the intro:

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Adriel Fair, Trevor Kowalski, and Many Moons Ago, all licensed from Epidemic Sound.

Story: Christopher Gronlund.

Narration: Cynthia Griffith.

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Godspeed, Crazy Mike

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A low, bright sun shines through a blurred background and stalks of wild grass in the foreground. Text reads: Godspeed, Crazy Mike Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund

Crazy Mike is dead behind the maintenance barn and the quaking bog man is missing. It’s up to detectives Gary Vandiver and Beatrice Mule to figure out what happened in this mystery set in a bog in northern Illinois.

Content Advisory: “Godspeed, Crazy Mike” deals with murder, speculation of suicide, divorce (including a custody battle), fraud, theft, tobacco and alcohol use, and Tourette syndrome (I only mention this because, if you’re like me and have Tourette syndrome, one of the character’s tics might set off some of your tics). Oh, and there is—of course—swearing. (But really: not that much this time around.)

Links mentioned in the intro:

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Music licensed from Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Behind the Cut – Gerald’s Grail

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Left Side of Image: a cross section of a cut tree on grass. Text over the tree rings reads "Behind the Cut - The Not About Lumberjacks Companion. Right Side of Image: A ceramic chalice full of Dungeons and Dragons dice. Dungeons and Dragons books, maps, miniatures, and more dice are spread across a table. In the background, a glass Mountain Dew bottle. Text reads: Gerald's Grail - Commentary By: Christopher Gronlund.

At 10,308 words, “Gerald’s Grail” is the longest Not About Lumberjacks story to date! (And will likely hold the record, ’cause DANG…that was quite a thing to edit!)

I’ll let you in on a little secret: “Gerald’s Grail” could easily be a novel. (And trust me, I’ve given it some thought.) But…it’s not the only Not About Lumberjacks story I’ve considered making longer.

In this behind-the-scenes look at the latest tale, I talk about other Not About Lumberjacks stories I could turn into longer works…if I weren’t so busy working on the show.

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