Fantasy

Christmas Miscellany 8

December 8, 2024 by cpgronlund 2 Comments

Ho Ho Ho! It’s that time once again…time for the annual Not About Lumberjacks Christmas episode. If you’re new, here, eight years ago I gathered up all my shorter short stories (like stocking stuffers) and released them for the holidays. Since then, the effort has grown, but no matter how random the tales are, the last one is always a Christmas story of some sort.

This year’s stories:

“Crispas Echo” – We travel back to 1985 for a tale of summer school friendship and…Taco Bell!
“A Very Strange Day (On Our Neighboring Red Planet)” – The first human mission to Mars runs into a very surprising discovery…
“Dick is Dead” – Two accountants end up unlucky and are forced to attend the funeral of a weird coworker on behalf of their department.
“Christmas Spirits” – Three famous Christmas ghosts have had enough, and set a pharmaceutical CEO straight.

Disclaimer About “Christmas Spirits”: This story was written well before this week’s murder of UnitedHealthcare’s CEO. I am in no way capitalizing on timely news. Unfortunately, when one writes enough, they are bound to run into releasing a story that carries more weight because of a real-life event. (Example: When Stranger Things released an episode showing murdered children the week of [yet another] U.S. school shooting and began with a disclaimer.) Spoiler Alert: The CEO in this story lives. But…the last story of this year’s Christmas episode is bound to still evoke emotions in some, so I wanted to mention all this up front.

And now, the usual content advisory…

Content Advisory: Spread throughout the four stories making up this year’s Christmas episode are teen drug use, violence (humorous in places, but a couple rough moments in “Christmas Spirits”), teasing, a funeral, corporate greed, and–of course–swearing!

No matter what you celebrate this season (or not), I wish you and yours all the best as we face down the end of another year.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Various, all licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Stories and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Episode Transcript >> (Coming Soon)

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The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart

November 11, 2024 by cpgronlund 4 Comments

Join Mighty Missy Stewart and her badger buddy, Tamarack, as they come of age in a time of expanding frontiers and rugged lumberjacks!

Content Advisory: Were “The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart” a movie, it would be rated PG. There’s some good-natured teasing and a non-descriptive death. What might put it into the PG realm instead of General Audiences is the mention of some woodland monsters. But this one’s a really light-hearted and fun tale.

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Audio stories are best with the perfect narrator, and “The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart” is brought to life in the best of ways by the equally mighty Dave Pettitt.

Dave’s done a wide range of commercial work, including the National Hockey League and the National Football League. Cartoons and video games? Yep, Dave’s done both. But he’s best known for the unscripted reality series, Discovery’s Highway Thru Hell—and somewhere near the other end of the spectrum – GPS audio tours for an app called Guide Along.

You can learn more about Dave and what he’s up to at the links below…

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Sandra Marteleur, Horna Spelmän, and uncredited traditional tracks, all licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story: Christopher Gronlund.
Narration: Dave Pettitt.

Episode Transcript >>

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Mudlarking

June 7, 2024 by cpgronlund 2 Comments

When Eva Barrett decides to give mudlarking on the Thames River foreshore a go, she finds something very strange during low tide.

Content Advisory: “Mudlarking” is pretty tame. There’s some violence in the form of fighting, and even then: it’s not brutal “people-are-dying fighting” — more like light action movie fighting. And when it comes to swearing, it’s pretty non-existent (you’re likely to hear worse on television). The worst it gets is an “S” word instead of “poop.”

If you’re driving, there is one collision with a vehicle. Not a screeching tires kind of crash, just a sudden THUD!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Hampus Naeselius, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Photo Credit: Susan Green.

Episode Transcript >>

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It’s Never Too Late

March 21, 2024 by cpgronlund 2 Comments

When Stanley Gladstone takes his time machine for a test run, he gets more than he bargained for when it breaks down, leaving him stranded in 1983.

Content Advisory: “It’s Never Too Late” deals with regret, death (including a decayed body), personal loss, and the sound of someone vomiting. Also, if you’re driving, be aware there’s a scene with the main character following someone on foot that contains skidding tire sounds. I don’t want you to be driving and freaking out, thinking something’s coming at you! It’s just that moment in the story.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Roots and Recognition, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Additional Voices: Cynthia Griffith

Episode Transcript >>

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Old Growth

November 9, 2023 by cpgronlund 3 Comments

You are a lumberjack alone on the side of a mountain with whomever—or whatever—killed your fellow loggers.

(Yep! This one’s in second person…)

Content Advisory: “Old Growth” deals with death, gore, anguish, being lost in a forest, being alone in the dark, and…creatures. But hey, at least there’s no swearing!

There’s really only one rather unpleasant horror scene. The rest is more just…creepy in its intent.

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Before getting into the tale, I want to thank everyone for supporting Not About Lumberjacks and helping make this the 50th full story episode of the show! (If you factor in the Christmas stories, there are 70 free stories on the site.)

To honor the occasion, I’m doing a giveaway!

People have asked for merchandise, and it is on the way. Until then, this is your chance to be one of the few people on the planet with a Not About Lumberjacks t-shirt!

Here’s how it works (and this applies internationally as well):

To get one entry in the random drawing, all you have to do is email me at NALStories@gmail.com and tell me your favorite episode or something you like about the show.
If you email me and tell me that…and let me know you’ve shared this episode (or your fave) somewhere online…or that you subscribe to my YouTube Channel or newsletter, you’ll get a second entry. (I trust you and have no intention of making you prove it.)
Finally, if you’re a Patreon patron, or sign up for my Patreon and let me know you did, you get a third chance.

I’ll do the random drawing on Saturday, December 23 and contact the winner then. (All contact will be directly from me, so if you get contacted through an Instagram account meant to look like me, or any place other than NALStories@gmail.com, it’s not me. I mention this because I know that even when someone tiny does some kind of giveaway, scammers try figuring out ways to exploit it. You will know me by the email address and my babbling thank you for supporting the show!)

And again…this applies to international fans of the show, too.

All right, let’s get to work!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen (closing tune: Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen, Anna Dager, and Hanna Ekström), licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Episode Transcript >>

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Behind the Cut – Firing the Muse

July 29, 2023 by cpgronlund 1 Comment

Left side of Image: A cross-cut of a tree stump looking down with green grass beneath it. Text reads: Behind the Cut - The Not About Lumberjacks Companion.

Right side of the Image: A classic painting of a female muse (head and shoulders). She is wearing a white robe. Behind her: trees and a mountain. Added to the image: a yellow hard hat rests on her head and a thick cigar is held between her fingers.

Text reads: Firing the Muse. Commentary by: Christopher Gronlund.

In this behind-the-scenes look at the latest Not About Lumberjacks story, I talk about the things I wanted to be when I grew up (before deciding the become a writer). I share stories about writing rejection, the friend who convinced me to begin recording and releasing fiction, and how a different friend’s prediction about “The Death of Literature” factors in what I’m doing today.

Episode Transcript >>

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Firing the Muse

July 16, 2023 by cpgronlund 1 Comment

A classic painting of a female muse (head and shoulders). She is wearing a white robe. Behind her: trees and a mountain. Added to the image: a yellow hard hat rests on her head and a thick cigar is held between her fingers.

Text reads: Firing the Muse. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

When Warren Quinn trades his existing workaday muse for a more literary muse, he gets much more than he bargained for.

Content Advisory: “Firing the Muse” deals with stresses and job loss around creative work. There’s casual alcohol consumption and smoking—and a very brief allusion to combat PTSD. Unless you consider “dammit” swearing, this is the sixth Not About Lumberjacks story with no language advisory. (I can already tell you there won’t be a seventh.)

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Jackie Martin, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Episode Transcript >>

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Behind the Cut – Rockbiters

March 19, 2023 by cpgronlund 1 Comment

In this behind-the-scenes look at the latest Not About Lumberjacks story, I talk about how I’m normally not the biggest fan of worldbuilding in fiction, but recognize when it’s necessary. (And not just because “Rockbiters” required some up-front worldbuilding!)

Episode Transcript >>

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Rockbiters

March 9, 2023 by cpgronlund 3 Comments

Find out what happens when the Forgefire brothers, while mining in an asteroid belt called The Delve, discover something that changes the lives of an entire solar system. (Yep, it’s Dwarves in Space!!!)

Content Advisory: “Rockbiters” deals with loss of life, brief mention of enslavement, and war. Some may find the battle scenes loud and stressful, but there is no gore or suffering. Think of it like Star Wars-level action and you’re fine. Also: I extend my no-swearing streak to a fourth story in a row…unless you consider a made-up, one-syllable word swearing.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Martin Goldmann.

A BIG thank you to Martin for not only allowing me to use his music for “Rockbiters,” but for composing two pieces of music inspired by the story and our brief discussions online. Check out what he’s up to here:

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund. Additional vocal effects: Cynthia Griffith.

I also want to thank William J. Meyer for always sharing sound effect techniques and other things on his YouTube channel. William does full-blown movies for your head. Check out his website for more information.

And, finally, I mentioned Martin Goldmann refusing payment for using his music. So…I made a donation in honor of his generosity to Musicians Without Borders. If you’re so inclined, you can do the same.

Transcript >>

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Gerald’s Grail

May 30, 2022 by cpgronlund 1 Comment

A faintly glowing clay chalice full of Dungeons and Dragons dice. A graph paper map and Dungeons and Dragons books are scattered around the table, along with other dice, pewter miniatures, and a glass Mountain Dew bottle.

Text: Gerald's Grail
Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund

While knocking around an antique shop with his grandmother, a teenage geek finds something that changes his life in a most curious way…

Content Advisory: Bullying, violence (including passing mention of the Cambodian genocide of the 70s), teen tobacco and alcohol use, and — of course — swearing.

And if you’re so inclined, be sure to check out the Not About Lumberjacks Patreon. For as little as a dollar a month, all patron content is unlocked.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Lupus Nocte, Rocking for Decades, Ludvig Moulin, Christopher Moe Ditvelsen, Jon Bjork, Philip Ayers, and Cercles Nouvelles, licensed from Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Episode Transcript >>

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