Not About Lumberjacks

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Enemy Wanted

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Photo of a piece of paper taped to a telephone pole with blue tape. Text reads: ENEMY WANTED. 123-555-1212. To the left, the wires from the pole continue to another. Behind that, a bit of a highway overpass. To the right, grass, a wooden fence, a free behind that, and apartments. Text reads: ENEMY WANTED. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund

Ferdinand Pérez gets more than he bargained for when he answers a flyer ad taped to a telephone pole looking for an enemy.

Content Advisory: “Enemy Wanted” deals with difficulty sleeping, a blurred sense of reality, crime, cartoonish violence, illness, a death, and wishing for an early end to life. That makes it sound dismal, but I assure you…it’s a blast of a story.

Also, it’s one with no swearing. Still, were it a movie, it would be rated PG (or maybe PG-13 for mature themes), so be aware. Also, because there are scenes with action, be prepared for the occasional surprising loud sound.

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Before we get to the story, I want to talk about the music in this one. Clarke Jaxton Motorbike makes electronic music and writes badass stories on his YouTube channel. (You should go listen and read some…most are only a couple minutes long.)

We started chatting after I replied to some of his work. One day, he contacted me — saying he would love to do the score for a Not About Lumberjacks story. Originally, we thought his music would be perfect for “A Very Strange Day (On Our Neighboring Red Planet),” from this year’s Christmas episode, but Mr. Motorbike was in the middle of scoring a feature film.

So, instead, he gets the first Not About Lumberjacks story of the new calendar year!

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Oh! One more quick thing: there’s mention of a soup review podcast in this story. Paul Csomo’s The Soup Review Podcast is a real thing, and you should check it out!

Onward!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Clarke Jaxton Motorbike.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Christmas Miscellany 8

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A red glass Christmas tree ornament in white snow. Text reads: Christmas Miscellany 8 - Four Stories - One of Them Seasonal. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

Ho Ho Ho! It’s that time once again…time for the annual Not About Lumberjacks Christmas episode. If you’re new, here, eight years ago I gathered up all my shorter short stories (like stocking stuffers) and released them for the holidays. Since then, the effort has grown, but no matter how random the tales are, the last one is always a Christmas story of some sort.

This year’s stories:

  • “Crispas Echo” – We travel back to 1985 for a tale of summer school friendship and…Taco Bell!
  • “A Very Strange Day (On Our Neighboring Red Planet)” – The first human mission to Mars runs into a very surprising discovery…
  • “Dick is Dead” – Two accountants end up unlucky and are forced to attend the funeral of a weird coworker on behalf of their department.
  • “Christmas Spirits” – Three famous Christmas ghosts have had enough, and set a pharmaceutical CEO straight.

Disclaimer About “Christmas Spirits”: This story was written well before this week’s murder of UnitedHealthcare’s CEO. I am in no way capitalizing on timely news. Unfortunately, when one writes enough, they are bound to run into releasing a story that carries more weight because of a real-life event. (Example: When Stranger Things released an episode showing murdered children the week of [yet another] U.S. school shooting and began with a disclaimer.) Spoiler Alert: The CEO in this story lives. But…the last story of this year’s Christmas episode is bound to still evoke emotions in some, so I wanted to mention all this up front.

And now, the usual content advisory…

Content Advisory: Spread throughout the four stories making up this year’s Christmas episode are teen drug use, violence (humorous in places, but a couple rough moments in “Christmas Spirits”), teasing, a funeral, corporate greed, and–of course–swearing!

No matter what you celebrate this season (or not), I wish you and yours all the best as we face down the end of another year.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Various, all licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Stories and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart

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A cross section of the end of a pale, cut log. Text reads: The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart. Written by: Christopher Gronlund. Narrated by: Dave Pettitt.


Join Mighty Missy Stewart and her badger buddy, Tamarack, as they come of age in a time of expanding frontiers and rugged lumberjacks!

Content Advisory: Were “The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart” a movie, it would be rated PG. There’s some good-natured teasing and a non-descriptive death. What might put it into the PG realm instead of General Audiences is the mention of some woodland monsters. But this one’s a really light-hearted and fun tale.

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Audio stories are best with the perfect narrator, and “The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart” is brought to life in the best of ways by the equally mighty Dave Pettitt.

Dave’s done a wide range of commercial work, including the National Hockey League and the National Football League. Cartoons and video games? Yep, Dave’s done both. But he’s best known for the unscripted reality series, Discovery’s Highway Thru Hell—and somewhere near the other end of the spectrum – GPS audio tours for an app called Guide Along.

You can learn more about Dave and what he’s up to at the links below…

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Sandra Marteleur, Horna Spelmän, and uncredited traditional tracks, all licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story: Christopher Gronlund.
Narration: Dave Pettitt.

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Christmas Miscellany 7

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A Red round Christmas Ornament on a gray slate background with sprigs of evergreen. Text: Christmas Miscellany Three Stories - One of Them Seasonal... Written By: Christopher Gronlund Narrated By: Christopher Gronlund and Cynthia Griffith

This year’s Christmas episode consists of three stories — one of them a Christmas tale.

  • “The World Beneath Her Brush”: This one’s about a globemaker—and I really like it!
  • “The King of French Fries”: Not only a story from the point of view of a parking lot-dwelling grackle, but it’s also accompanied by an original song.
  • “Suburban Home”: Aging punk rockers battling their homeowners’ association over Christmas decorations.

Content Advisory: “The World Beneath Her Brush” and “The King of French Fries” barely merit content advisories. At most, they are about personal struggle in the hope of having a better life. “Suburban Home” deals with pettiness, arguing, the effects of family expectations, and a slight bit of depression and anxiety mentioned in passing. Oh, and some swearing!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – With one exception, all music licensed through Epidemic Sound. The exception: Descendents’ “Suburban Home” used with permission from the band.

Also, “The Tailless Grackles of Summer” was conceptualized and arranged by Cynthia Griffith, who also came up with the first stanza of the lyrics. Christopher Gronlund finished the rest.

Stories: Christopher Gronlund.

Narration: Christopher Gronlund and Cynthia Griffith (“The World Beneath Her Brush”)

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Behind the Cut – Firing the Muse

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Left side of Image: A cross-cut of a tree stump looking down with green grass beneath it. Text reads: Behind the Cut - The Not About Lumberjacks Companion. Right side of the Image: A classic painting of a female muse (head and shoulders). She is wearing a white robe. Behind her: trees and a mountain. Added to the image: a yellow hard hat rests on her head and a thick cigar is held between her fingers. Text reads: Firing the Muse. Commentary by: Christopher Gronlund.

In this behind-the-scenes look at the latest Not About Lumberjacks story, I talk about the things I wanted to be when I grew up (before deciding the become a writer). I share stories about writing rejection, the friend who convinced me to begin recording and releasing fiction, and how a different friend’s prediction about “The Death of Literature” factors in what I’m doing today.

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Firing the Muse

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A classic painting of a female muse (head and shoulders). She is wearing a white robe. Behind her: trees and a mountain. Added to the image: a yellow hard hat rests on her head and a thick cigar is held between her fingers. Text reads: Firing the Muse. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

When Warren Quinn trades his existing workaday muse for a more literary muse, he gets much more than he bargained for.

Content Advisory: “Firing the Muse” deals with stresses and job loss around creative work. There’s casual alcohol consumption and smoking—and a very brief allusion to combat PTSD. Unless you consider “dammit” swearing, this is the sixth Not About Lumberjacks story with no language advisory. (I can already tell you there won’t be a seventh.)

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Jackie Martin, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Behind the Cut – Gerald’s Grail

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Left Side of Image: a cross section of a cut tree on grass. Text over the tree rings reads "Behind the Cut - The Not About Lumberjacks Companion. Right Side of Image: A ceramic chalice full of Dungeons and Dragons dice. Dungeons and Dragons books, maps, miniatures, and more dice are spread across a table. In the background, a glass Mountain Dew bottle. Text reads: Gerald's Grail - Commentary By: Christopher Gronlund.

At 10,308 words, “Gerald’s Grail” is the longest Not About Lumberjacks story to date! (And will likely hold the record, ’cause DANG…that was quite a thing to edit!)

I’ll let you in on a little secret: “Gerald’s Grail” could easily be a novel. (And trust me, I’ve given it some thought.) But…it’s not the only Not About Lumberjacks story I’ve considered making longer.

In this behind-the-scenes look at the latest tale, I talk about other Not About Lumberjacks stories I could turn into longer works…if I weren’t so busy working on the show.

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Gerald’s Grail

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A faintly glowing clay chalice full of Dungeons and Dragons dice. A graph paper map and Dungeons and Dragons books are scattered around the table, along with other dice, pewter miniatures, and a glass Mountain Dew bottle. Text: Gerald's Grail Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund

While knocking around an antique shop with his grandmother, a teenage geek finds something that changes his life in a most curious way…

Content Advisory: Bullying, violence (including passing mention of the Cambodian genocide of the 70s), teen tobacco and alcohol use, and — of course — swearing.

And if you’re so inclined, be sure to check out the Not About Lumberjacks Patreon. For as little as a dollar a month, all patron content is unlocked.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Lupus Nocte, Rocking for Decades, Ludvig Moulin, Christopher Moe Ditvelsen, Jon Bjork, Philip Ayers, and Cercles Nouvelles, licensed from Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Christmas Miscellany 5

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A gold glitter Christmas tree ornament hangs from a branch. Blurred background. Text: Christmas Miscellany 5. Written by: Christopher Gronlund. Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund and Cynthia Griffith.

Four stories, most of which take place during the holiday season…

  • “Stories of Fine Taste”: The stories behind two recipes (“Grandma’s Olive Loaf” – Something wicked is back in Kirkland’s Holler) and (“Fred’s English Muffin Garbage Pizzas” – A young boy finds out what’s behind a mysterious door).
  • “Reply All”: Cheryl’s not standing for office gossip about her and a co-worker.
  • “Drifted”: A character from the second Christmas episode ends up stranded on a mountain with something more naughty than him… (Listen to the last story of this episode if you need a reminder of a naughty little boy…)

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Frizz Oli, Earle Belo, Golden Fern, Howard Harper-Barnes, Martin Landström, and pär licensed from Epidemic Sound.

Story: Christopher Gronlund

Narration: Christopher Gronlund. and Cynthia Griffith.

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Behind the Cut – Milkboy

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Left side of image: Rings of a cut tree in grass. Text on the tree rings reads: "Behind the Cut. The Not About Lumberjacks Companion." Right side of image: A pour of milk missing a glass and splattering all about. Text: "Milkboy. Commentary by: Christopher Gronlund."

While “Milkboy” is based on a true story, it definitely ends up a work of fiction. When I started the story, I had no idea where to take it. Discovering what to do with the story led to a ridiculous and heartfelt tale of friendship that is one of my favorite stories on the site.

I talk about that — and much more — in this behind-the-scenes look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks.

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