Not About Lumberjacks

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Christmas Miscellany 8

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A red glass Christmas tree ornament in white snow. Text reads: Christmas Miscellany 8 - Four Stories - One of Them Seasonal. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

Ho Ho Ho! It’s that time once again…time for the annual Not About Lumberjacks Christmas episode. If you’re new, here, eight years ago I gathered up all my shorter short stories (like stocking stuffers) and released them for the holidays. Since then, the effort has grown, but no matter how random the tales are, the last one is always a Christmas story of some sort.

This year’s stories:

  • “Crispas Echo” – We travel back to 1985 for a tale of summer school friendship and…Taco Bell!
  • “A Very Strange Day (On Our Neighboring Red Planet)” – The first human mission to Mars runs into a very surprising discovery…
  • “Dick is Dead” – Two accountants end up unlucky and are forced to attend the funeral of a weird coworker on behalf of their department.
  • “Christmas Spirits” – Three famous Christmas ghosts have had enough, and set a pharmaceutical CEO straight.

Disclaimer About “Christmas Spirits”: This story was written well before this week’s murder of UnitedHealthcare’s CEO. I am in no way capitalizing on timely news. Unfortunately, when one writes enough, they are bound to run into releasing a story that carries more weight because of a real-life event. (Example: When Stranger Things released an episode showing murdered children the week of [yet another] U.S. school shooting and began with a disclaimer.) Spoiler Alert: The CEO in this story lives. But…the last story of this year’s Christmas episode is bound to still evoke emotions in some, so I wanted to mention all this up front.

And now, the usual content advisory…

Content Advisory: Spread throughout the four stories making up this year’s Christmas episode are teen drug use, violence (humorous in places, but a couple rough moments in “Christmas Spirits”), teasing, a funeral, corporate greed, and–of course–swearing!

No matter what you celebrate this season (or not), I wish you and yours all the best as we face down the end of another year.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Various, all licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Stories and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Episode Transcript >> (Coming Soon)

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Overwinter

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A snow-covered, rocky bit of land jutting into a gray and roiling sea. Text Reads: Overwinter. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

In this celebration of solitude, Daniel’s life is changed forever after spending 5 months alone on an island 13 miles off the Maine coast.

Content Advisory: “Overwinter” deals with a job change, longing, solitude vs. loneliness, and does contain a couple words you’ve probably heard on TV or at work this week. There are also a couple scenes with moderate consumption of alcohol.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Anders Schill Paulsen, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Episode Transcript >>

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It’s Never Too Late

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An hourglass sitting on small stones. Text: It's Never Too Late. Written and Narrated by Christopher Gronlund

When Stanley Gladstone takes his time machine for a test run, he gets more than he bargained for when it breaks down, leaving him stranded in 1983.

Content Advisory: “It’s Never Too Late” deals with regret, death (including a decayed body), personal loss, and the sound of someone vomiting. Also, if you’re driving, be aware there’s a scene with the main character following someone on foot that contains skidding tire sounds. I don’t want you to be driving and freaking out, thinking something’s coming at you! It’s just that moment in the story.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Roots and Recognition, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Additional Voices: Cynthia Griffith

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Christmas Miscellany 7

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A Red round Christmas Ornament on a gray slate background with sprigs of evergreen. Text: Christmas Miscellany Three Stories - One of Them Seasonal... Written By: Christopher Gronlund Narrated By: Christopher Gronlund and Cynthia Griffith

This year’s Christmas episode consists of three stories — one of them a Christmas tale.

  • “The World Beneath Her Brush”: This one’s about a globemaker—and I really like it!
  • “The King of French Fries”: Not only a story from the point of view of a parking lot-dwelling grackle, but it’s also accompanied by an original song.
  • “Suburban Home”: Aging punk rockers battling their homeowners’ association over Christmas decorations.

Content Advisory: “The World Beneath Her Brush” and “The King of French Fries” barely merit content advisories. At most, they are about personal struggle in the hope of having a better life. “Suburban Home” deals with pettiness, arguing, the effects of family expectations, and a slight bit of depression and anxiety mentioned in passing. Oh, and some swearing!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – With one exception, all music licensed through Epidemic Sound. The exception: Descendents’ “Suburban Home” used with permission from the band.

Also, “The Tailless Grackles of Summer” was conceptualized and arranged by Cynthia Griffith, who also came up with the first stanza of the lyrics. Christopher Gronlund finished the rest.

Stories: Christopher Gronlund.

Narration: Christopher Gronlund and Cynthia Griffith (“The World Beneath Her Brush”)

Episode Transcript >>

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Lakeview Estates

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An aerial view of a mobile home community. Text reads: Lakeview Estates. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund

The residents of Lakeview Estates Mobile Home Community battle the city and developers in an attempt to save their homes from demolition to make way for a golf course.

Content Advisory: “Lakeview Estates” deals with loss of homes, corruption, mention of drug and alcohol addiction (including teen marijuana use), death, arson, violence, incarceration, and infidelity. Also: after a six-episode run with no swearing, that’s back, too!

Also: There is a brief moment of emergency vehicle sounds, so if you’re driving…don’t panic!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Roy Edwin Williams, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Episode Transcript >>

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Behind the Cut – Firing the Muse

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Left side of Image: A cross-cut of a tree stump looking down with green grass beneath it. Text reads: Behind the Cut - The Not About Lumberjacks Companion. Right side of the Image: A classic painting of a female muse (head and shoulders). She is wearing a white robe. Behind her: trees and a mountain. Added to the image: a yellow hard hat rests on her head and a thick cigar is held between her fingers. Text reads: Firing the Muse. Commentary by: Christopher Gronlund.

In this behind-the-scenes look at the latest Not About Lumberjacks story, I talk about the things I wanted to be when I grew up (before deciding the become a writer). I share stories about writing rejection, the friend who convinced me to begin recording and releasing fiction, and how a different friend’s prediction about “The Death of Literature” factors in what I’m doing today.

Episode Transcript >>

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Firing the Muse

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A classic painting of a female muse (head and shoulders). She is wearing a white robe. Behind her: trees and a mountain. Added to the image: a yellow hard hat rests on her head and a thick cigar is held between her fingers. Text reads: Firing the Muse. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

When Warren Quinn trades his existing workaday muse for a more literary muse, he gets much more than he bargained for.

Content Advisory: “Firing the Muse” deals with stresses and job loss around creative work. There’s casual alcohol consumption and smoking—and a very brief allusion to combat PTSD. Unless you consider “dammit” swearing, this is the sixth Not About Lumberjacks story with no language advisory. (I can already tell you there won’t be a seventh.)

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Jackie Martin, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Episode Transcript >>

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The Song of the Stone

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Image of a gray, lichen-covered stone in a forest. Text reads: "The Song of the Stone. Written and Narrated by Christopher Gronlund."

Zander Pierson’s dissatisfaction with living the life others expected from him leads to a stone in a Swedish forest that also called to Einvaldr Brúnn at a turning point in his life in the early 860s.

Content Advisory: “The Song of the Stone” deals with lack of job and life satisfaction, pressure to marry and have children, career pressure, and death from illness.

A Thank You and Some Links…

A mighty thank you to Miro Karjalainen, aka Three Star Vagabond, for answering some questions about Stockholm and Birka. If there are any inaccuracies in the story, they are all on me.

Miro is my favorite travel vlogger. Each week, he documents his travels around Stockholm, the rest of Sweden, and the world. It’s an impressive one-person operation, full of great places, history, and humor.

Miro also has a second YouTube channel called This is Geeky! in which he knocks around documenting geeky things. Of course, I love that channel as well.

So, check out what he’s up to at either link above, or swing by his Three Star Vagabond Facebook group.

And here’s Miro’s Birka video, which came in handy for this story!

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I hint at a couple YouTube channels in this story. If you’re curious who inspired the lines, here you go:

Roaming Wild Rosie – A thru-hiking designer who stepped away from the hurried pace of life in London and bought a cabin in the Swedish woods. Most Sundays, she chronicles her efforts restoring her home and tending to her little plot of land. I can’t tell you how much I love the commentary in this particular video.

Lowkey Swedish – Ally and Hamish are the “adorable couple from New Zealand,” mentioned in the story. Like the others mentioned above, each Sunday they share their restoration progress on their cabin in the woods not too far from Stockholm.

It’s already hit 97F / 36C in Texas this spring, so I’m sure I’ll revisit their snowed-in video as it gets even hotter in Texas.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Episode Transcript >>

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Tin-Hearted Man

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The head of an axe resting on a cut stump. Dappled light shines on the scene, illuminating the moss and vegetation below. Text reads: "Tin-Hearted Man. Written and narrated by: Christopher Gronlund."


When Big Nick Champeau is taken by the Thunder River, his lumber camp speculates what his life might have been like before becoming a lumberjack.

Content Advisory: “Tin-Hearted Man” deals with loss of life, child abuse, alcoholism, physical fighting/violence against others, Korean War combat, facial disfigurement, lost love, loss of a pet, and drug use. But hey — there’s no swearing!

Links mentioned in the intro:

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Sanda Marteleur, licensed from Epidemic Sound. “I’m a Man You Don’t Meet Every Day,” by Harpo Marks, licensed from Premium Beat.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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In the Margins

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A secret passage behind a wall of filled bookcases. Text reads: In the Margins. Written by: Christopher Gronlund. Narrated by: Cynthia Griffith.

When Kenna Baynes discovers a strange book in her college library, she finds something in the margins that changes her life forever…

Content Advisory: “In the Margins” almost doesn’t merit a content advisory. There are a couple moments of light suspense and mention of college debt. There’s no swearing, but the tale does allude to a word many find offensive.

Links mentioned in the intro:

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Adriel Fair, Trevor Kowalski, and Many Moons Ago, all licensed from Epidemic Sound.

Story: Christopher Gronlund.

Narration: Cynthia Griffith.

Episode Transcript >>

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