Not About Lumberjacks

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Christmas Miscellany 9

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Wrapped books in brown wrapping paper. Globe ornaments, pinecones, and evergreen branches on the packages. Text reads: Christmas Miscellany 9 Three Stories - One of Them Seasonal Written By: Christopher Gronlund Narrated By: Christopher Gronlund, AJ Fidalgo, and Cynthia Griffith.

It’s that time — the annual Christmas episode!

What began as a one-time thing is now in its ninth year!

So what do we have this time?

How ’bout these three stories:

  • “Bigfoot’s Here!” – A surprise involving a Bigfoot costume does not go as planned!
  • “Above and Below” – Three survivors of a nuclear war—a billionaire in his bunker, the head of his security detail, and a technical writer who was hiking in the mountains when the missiles came down—navigate their way through a very different world.
  • “Gifts Through Time” – A woman finds three items in an antique shop and does everything she can to find out the stories behind them.

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Before getting to the stories, I want to call attention to the two additional narrators who helped with this episode.

Cynthia Griffith is no stranger to Not About Lumberjacks. Next to me, no other person has read more of my work for the show. While she’s pulled back from all social media, you can learn more about her on the Not About Lumberjacks Talent page.

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AJ Fidalgo is normally a cast member in audiodramas — Madison On the Air, No Return, The Silt Voices, and Nine to Midnight to name a handful — but he proves he has narrating skills as well! He brings the second story, “Above and Below,” to life.

You can learn more about AJ at his website, ajfidalgo.com.

If you’re in need of an audio drama cast member or someone to narrate a story for you, I can say with confidence that he’s great to work with!

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And now, the usual content advisory…

Spread throughout the three stories making up this year’s Christmas episode are gun violence, minor gore, passing mention of implied suicidal ideation, conventional and nuclear wars, deaths, a vehicle accident (including the sounds…in case you’re listening to this while driving), and—of course—swearing!

No matter what you celebrate this season (or not), I wish you and yours all the best as we face down the end of another year.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – All music licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story: Christopher Gronlund.

Narration: Christopher Gronlund, AJ Fidalgo, and Cynthia Griffith (she’s smart, and echews the world of social media).

Episode Transcript >>

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The Art of the End

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Sunlight breaks through, and illuminates, a forest in a magical glow. Text reads: The Art of the End - Written and Narrated By Christopher Gronlund

Nine years ago, I released the first November anniversary “lumberjack” story. Titled “The Art of the Lumberjack,” I described it like this:

When Erik Nilsson has a minor heart attack and is told to take some forced time off of work to recuperate, he finally reads a book left to him by his father much earlier in life. What he finds hidden among the pages changes him forever…

Nine years later, we catch up with Erik and his father in a sequel to that story.

Content Advisory: “The Art of the End” deals with the death of a parent, an argument with an estranged parent, and…that’s really about it. Oh, there is one bit of swearing.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Christopher Gronlund and an additional traditional track, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story: Christopher Gronlund.

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Instead of Dreaming

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A dark path with a fence to the left. A yellowish, dim pathway light illuminates foliage. Text reads: Instead of Dreaming - Written and Narrated By Christopher Gronlund


A high school English teacher comes to conclusions about life after recovering from a hit-and-run accident.

Content Advisory: “Enemy Wanted” deals with difficulty sleeping, a blurred sense of reality, crime, cartoonish violence, illness, a death, and wishing for an early end to life. That makes it sound dismal, but I assure you…it’s a blast of a story.

Also, it’s one with no swearing. Still, were it a movie, it would be rated PG (or maybe PG-13 for mature themes), so be aware. Also, because there are scenes with action, be prepared for the occasional surprising loud sound.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Jospeh Beg, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Christmas Miscellany 8

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A red glass Christmas tree ornament in white snow. Text reads: Christmas Miscellany 8 - Four Stories - One of Them Seasonal. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

Ho Ho Ho! It’s that time once again…time for the annual Not About Lumberjacks Christmas episode. If you’re new, here, eight years ago I gathered up all my shorter short stories (like stocking stuffers) and released them for the holidays. Since then, the effort has grown, but no matter how random the tales are, the last one is always a Christmas story of some sort.

This year’s stories:

  • “Crispas Echo” – We travel back to 1985 for a tale of summer school friendship and…Taco Bell!
  • “A Very Strange Day (On Our Neighboring Red Planet)” – The first human mission to Mars runs into a very surprising discovery…
  • “Dick is Dead” – Two accountants end up unlucky and are forced to attend the funeral of a weird coworker on behalf of their department.
  • “Christmas Spirits” – Three famous Christmas ghosts have had enough, and set a pharmaceutical CEO straight.

Disclaimer About “Christmas Spirits”: This story was written well before this week’s murder of UnitedHealthcare’s CEO. I am in no way capitalizing on timely news. Unfortunately, when one writes enough, they are bound to run into releasing a story that carries more weight because of a real-life event. (Example: When Stranger Things released an episode showing murdered children the week of [yet another] U.S. school shooting and began with a disclaimer.) Spoiler Alert: The CEO in this story lives. But…the last story of this year’s Christmas episode is bound to still evoke emotions in some, so I wanted to mention all this up front.

And now, the usual content advisory…

Content Advisory: Spread throughout the four stories making up this year’s Christmas episode are teen drug use, violence (humorous in places, but a couple rough moments in “Christmas Spirits”), teasing, a funeral, corporate greed, and–of course–swearing!

No matter what you celebrate this season (or not), I wish you and yours all the best as we face down the end of another year.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Various, all licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Stories and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Episode Transcript >> (Coming Soon)

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Overwinter

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A snow-covered, rocky bit of land jutting into a gray and roiling sea. Text Reads: Overwinter. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

In this celebration of solitude, Daniel’s life is changed forever after spending 5 months alone on an island 13 miles off the Maine coast.

Content Advisory: “Overwinter” deals with a job change, longing, solitude vs. loneliness, and does contain a couple words you’ve probably heard on TV or at work this week. There are also a couple scenes with moderate consumption of alcohol.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Anders Schill Paulsen, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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It’s Never Too Late

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An hourglass sitting on small stones. Text: It's Never Too Late. Written and Narrated by Christopher Gronlund

When Stanley Gladstone takes his time machine for a test run, he gets more than he bargained for when it breaks down, leaving him stranded in 1983.

Content Advisory: “It’s Never Too Late” deals with regret, death (including a decayed body), personal loss, and the sound of someone vomiting. Also, if you’re driving, be aware there’s a scene with the main character following someone on foot that contains skidding tire sounds. I don’t want you to be driving and freaking out, thinking something’s coming at you! It’s just that moment in the story.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Roots and Recognition, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Additional Voices: Cynthia Griffith

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Christmas Miscellany 7

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A Red round Christmas Ornament on a gray slate background with sprigs of evergreen. Text: Christmas Miscellany Three Stories - One of Them Seasonal... Written By: Christopher Gronlund Narrated By: Christopher Gronlund and Cynthia Griffith

This year’s Christmas episode consists of three stories — one of them a Christmas tale.

  • “The World Beneath Her Brush”: This one’s about a globemaker—and I really like it!
  • “The King of French Fries”: Not only a story from the point of view of a parking lot-dwelling grackle, but it’s also accompanied by an original song.
  • “Suburban Home”: Aging punk rockers battling their homeowners’ association over Christmas decorations.

Content Advisory: “The World Beneath Her Brush” and “The King of French Fries” barely merit content advisories. At most, they are about personal struggle in the hope of having a better life. “Suburban Home” deals with pettiness, arguing, the effects of family expectations, and a slight bit of depression and anxiety mentioned in passing. Oh, and some swearing!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – With one exception, all music licensed through Epidemic Sound. The exception: Descendents’ “Suburban Home” used with permission from the band.

Also, “The Tailless Grackles of Summer” was conceptualized and arranged by Cynthia Griffith, who also came up with the first stanza of the lyrics. Christopher Gronlund finished the rest.

Stories: Christopher Gronlund.

Narration: Christopher Gronlund and Cynthia Griffith (“The World Beneath Her Brush”)

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Lakeview Estates

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An aerial view of a mobile home community. Text reads: Lakeview Estates. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund

The residents of Lakeview Estates Mobile Home Community battle the city and developers in an attempt to save their homes from demolition to make way for a golf course.

Content Advisory: “Lakeview Estates” deals with loss of homes, corruption, mention of drug and alcohol addiction (including teen marijuana use), death, arson, violence, incarceration, and infidelity. Also: after a six-episode run with no swearing, that’s back, too!

Also: There is a brief moment of emergency vehicle sounds, so if you’re driving…don’t panic!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Roy Edwin Williams, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Behind the Cut – Firing the Muse

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Left side of Image: A cross-cut of a tree stump looking down with green grass beneath it. Text reads: Behind the Cut - The Not About Lumberjacks Companion. Right side of the Image: A classic painting of a female muse (head and shoulders). She is wearing a white robe. Behind her: trees and a mountain. Added to the image: a yellow hard hat rests on her head and a thick cigar is held between her fingers. Text reads: Firing the Muse. Commentary by: Christopher Gronlund.

In this behind-the-scenes look at the latest Not About Lumberjacks story, I talk about the things I wanted to be when I grew up (before deciding the become a writer). I share stories about writing rejection, the friend who convinced me to begin recording and releasing fiction, and how a different friend’s prediction about “The Death of Literature” factors in what I’m doing today.

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Firing the Muse

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A classic painting of a female muse (head and shoulders). She is wearing a white robe. Behind her: trees and a mountain. Added to the image: a yellow hard hat rests on her head and a thick cigar is held between her fingers. Text reads: Firing the Muse. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

When Warren Quinn trades his existing workaday muse for a more literary muse, he gets much more than he bargained for.

Content Advisory: “Firing the Muse” deals with stresses and job loss around creative work. There’s casual alcohol consumption and smoking—and a very brief allusion to combat PTSD. Unless you consider “dammit” swearing, this is the sixth Not About Lumberjacks story with no language advisory. (I can already tell you there won’t be a seventh.)

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Jackie Martin, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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