Not About Lumberjacks

Be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart

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A cross section of the end of a pale, cut log. Text reads: The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart. Written by: Christopher Gronlund. Narrated by: Dave Pettitt.


Join Mighty Missy Stewart and her badger buddy, Tamarack, as they come of age in a time of expanding frontiers and rugged lumberjacks!

Content Advisory: Were “The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart” a movie, it would be rated PG. There’s some good-natured teasing and a non-descriptive death. What might put it into the PG realm instead of General Audiences is the mention of some woodland monsters. But this one’s a really light-hearted and fun tale.

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Audio stories are best with the perfect narrator, and “The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart” is brought to life in the best of ways by the equally mighty Dave Pettitt.

Dave’s done a wide range of commercial work, including the National Hockey League and the National Football League. Cartoons and video games? Yep, Dave’s done both. But he’s best known for the unscripted reality series, Discovery’s Highway Thru Hell—and somewhere near the other end of the spectrum – GPS audio tours for an app called Guide Along.

You can learn more about Dave and what he’s up to at the links below…

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Sandra Marteleur, Horna Spelmän, and uncredited traditional tracks, all licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story: Christopher Gronlund.
Narration: Dave Pettitt.

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Old Growth

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Glowing yellow eyes peer out from a hollow tree covered in moss and leaves. Fog obscures the foreground of the forest view. Text: Old Growth. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.


You are a lumberjack alone on the side of a mountain with whomever—or whatever—killed your fellow loggers.

(Yep! This one’s in second person…)

Content Advisory: “Old Growth” deals with death, gore, anguish, being lost in a forest, being alone in the dark, and…creatures. But hey, at least there’s no swearing!

There’s really only one rather unpleasant horror scene. The rest is more just…creepy in its intent.

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Before getting into the tale, I want to thank everyone for supporting Not About Lumberjacks and helping make this the 50th full story episode of the show! (If you factor in the Christmas stories, there are 70 free stories on the site.)

To honor the occasion, I’m doing a giveaway!

People have asked for merchandise, and it is on the way. Until then, this is your chance to be one of the few people on the planet with a Not About Lumberjacks t-shirt!

Here’s how it works (and this applies internationally as well):

  • To get one entry in the random drawing, all you have to do is email me at NALStories@gmail.com and tell me your favorite episode or something you like about the show.
  • If you email me and tell me that…and let me know you’ve shared this episode (or your fave) somewhere online…or that you subscribe to my YouTube Channel or newsletter, you’ll get a second entry. (I trust you and have no intention of making you prove it.)
  • Finally, if you’re a Patreon patron, or sign up for my Patreon and let me know you did, you get a third chance.

I’ll do the random drawing on Saturday, December 23 and contact the winner then. (All contact will be directly from me, so if you get contacted through an Instagram account meant to look like me, or any place other than NALStories@gmail.com, it’s not me. I mention this because I know that even when someone tiny does some kind of giveaway, scammers try figuring out ways to exploit it. You will know me by the email address and my babbling thank you for supporting the show!)

And again…this applies to international fans of the show, too.

All right, let’s get to work!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen (closing tune: Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen, Anna Dager, and Hanna Ekström), licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Tin-Hearted Man

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The head of an axe resting on a cut stump. Dappled light shines on the scene, illuminating the moss and vegetation below. Text reads: "Tin-Hearted Man. Written and narrated by: Christopher Gronlund."


When Big Nick Champeau is taken by the Thunder River, his lumber camp speculates what his life might have been like before becoming a lumberjack.

Content Advisory: “Tin-Hearted Man” deals with loss of life, child abuse, alcoholism, physical fighting/violence against others, Korean War combat, facial disfigurement, lost love, loss of a pet, and drug use. But hey — there’s no swearing!

Links mentioned in the intro:

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Sanda Marteleur, licensed from Epidemic Sound. “I’m a Man You Don’t Meet Every Day,” by Harpo Marks, licensed from Premium Beat.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Behind the Cut – Episode 20: 7 Stories

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A red Christmas ornament - Behind the Cut – Episode 20: 7 StoriesThe last episode was a bit of a departure, with seven bits of micro-fiction. The most fascinating thing was hearing which stories people loved most (“Vlad Stovepipe” won).

So…for this episode of Behind the Cut, a bit about each of the stories…

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7 Stories

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A red Christmas tree ornament - 7 StoriesA bit of a departure this holiday season: seven stories instead of one!
(Think of it as micro-fiction stocking stuffers.)

  1. “Not About Lumberjacks” – As it says in the name, this story is not about lumberjacks!
  2. “Be a Man” – Sometimes kids grow up faster than they should.
  3. “Fucking Asshole” – It’s a story about a guy named Fucking Asshole.
  4. “The Intersection” – Life in a tightly wound world…
  5. “Vlad Stovepipe” – Yeah, it’s about a vampire snowman!
  6. “Hardcore” – Tell this guy wrestling’s fake…
  7. “Another Christmas Eve” – A story about one family’s Christmas Eve tradition.

Content Advisory: “Be a Man”: Child abuse, mention of a dead dog (by gunshot), alcohol abuse, and murder. “Fucking Asshole”: Uhm…swearing! “The Intersection”: Anger, violence (shooting), and family loss of a child (shooting). “Vlad Stovepipe”: Cartoon violence. “Hardcore”: Swearing and violence. “Another Christmas Eve”: Divorce, violence (family fistfight), swearing, depression, loneliness.

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Credits:

Story and narration: Christopher Gronlund

Music: Ergo Phizmiz and Chad Crouch (aka Poddington Bear)

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The Hidebehind

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Trees in fog - The Hidebehind (Written by Christopher Gronlund and Narrated by Michael HowieSomething lurks in the woods outside a lumber camp in this story I SWEAR is NOT about lumberjacks…

Content Advisory: Swearing. Violence (involving fights and knives). Alcohol use. Mass poisoning. Horror (monster in the woods). Dementia brought on by environmental factors. Implied cannibalism.

Official Selection - HEAR Now: The Audio Fiction and Arts Festival 2018"

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Credits:

Story: Christopher Gronlund

Narration: Michael Howie, of the Defender Radio Podcast. (Follow Michael on Twitter!)

Music: Ergo Phizmiz and Kai Engel

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Behind the Cut – Episode 14: The Art of the Lumberjack

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Light in the forest - Behind the Cut – Episode 14: The Art of the LumberjackA real book inspired “The Art of the Lumberjack.” That book? The Sport of Falconry.

According to the inscription, the book was given to me by my father on January 11, 1975.

This four-and-a-half minute episode is about how a book I’ve had for 41 years led to one of the best short stories I’ve ever written…

To Christopher Peter Gronlund. From his father on 1-11-75. Some day if you have the time, read this book son. I just never had the time. I always knew how, and I didn't need this book. Look for the signs along the way son, always be careful, and try not to get hurt.

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The Art of the Lumberjack

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Light through Trees - "The Art of the Lumberjack"A year ago, I posted the first Not about Lumberjacks story. In honor of the show’s anniversary, I keep with tradition and refuse to even mention those foul-mouthed tree droppers!

When Erik Nilsson has a minor heart attack and is told to take some forced time off of work to recuperate, he finally reads a book left to him by his father much earlier in life. What he finds hidden among the pages changes him forever…

Content Advisory: Mention of suicide by shotgun. Overbearing parent (mother). Protagonist dealing with a medical issue (a minor heart attack).

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Credits:

Music: Ergo Phizmiz and Broke for Free

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund

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