Not About Lumberjacks

Be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

Enemy Wanted

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Photo of a piece of paper taped to a telephone pole with blue tape. Text reads: ENEMY WANTED. 123-555-1212. To the left, the wires from the pole continue to another. Behind that, a bit of a highway overpass. To the right, grass, a wooden fence, a free behind that, and apartments. Text reads: ENEMY WANTED. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund

Ferdinand Pérez gets more than he bargained for when he answers a flyer ad taped to a telephone pole looking for an enemy.

Content Advisory: “Enemy Wanted” deals with difficulty sleeping, a blurred sense of reality, crime, cartoonish violence, illness, a death, and wishing for an early end to life. That makes it sound dismal, but I assure you…it’s a blast of a story.

Also, it’s one with no swearing. Still, were it a movie, it would be rated PG (or maybe PG-13 for mature themes), so be aware. Also, because there are scenes with action, be prepared for the occasional surprising loud sound.

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Before we get to the story, I want to talk about the music in this one. Clarke Jaxton Motorbike makes electronic music and writes badass stories on his YouTube channel. (You should go listen and read some…most are only a couple minutes long.)

We started chatting after I replied to some of his work. One day, he contacted me — saying he would love to do the score for a Not About Lumberjacks story. Originally, we thought his music would be perfect for “A Very Strange Day (On Our Neighboring Red Planet),” from this year’s Christmas episode, but Mr. Motorbike was in the middle of scoring a feature film.

So, instead, he gets the first Not About Lumberjacks story of the new calendar year!

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Oh! One more quick thing: there’s mention of a soup review podcast in this story. Paul Csomo’s The Soup Review Podcast is a real thing, and you should check it out!

Onward!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Clarke Jaxton Motorbike.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Christmas Miscellany 8

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A red glass Christmas tree ornament in white snow. Text reads: Christmas Miscellany 8 - Four Stories - One of Them Seasonal. Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

Ho Ho Ho! It’s that time once again…time for the annual Not About Lumberjacks Christmas episode. If you’re new, here, eight years ago I gathered up all my shorter short stories (like stocking stuffers) and released them for the holidays. Since then, the effort has grown, but no matter how random the tales are, the last one is always a Christmas story of some sort.

This year’s stories:

  • “Crispas Echo” – We travel back to 1985 for a tale of summer school friendship and…Taco Bell!
  • “A Very Strange Day (On Our Neighboring Red Planet)” – The first human mission to Mars runs into a very surprising discovery…
  • “Dick is Dead” – Two accountants end up unlucky and are forced to attend the funeral of a weird coworker on behalf of their department.
  • “Christmas Spirits” – Three famous Christmas ghosts have had enough, and set a pharmaceutical CEO straight.

Disclaimer About “Christmas Spirits”: This story was written well before this week’s murder of UnitedHealthcare’s CEO. I am in no way capitalizing on timely news. Unfortunately, when one writes enough, they are bound to run into releasing a story that carries more weight because of a real-life event. (Example: When Stranger Things released an episode showing murdered children the week of [yet another] U.S. school shooting and began with a disclaimer.) Spoiler Alert: The CEO in this story lives. But…the last story of this year’s Christmas episode is bound to still evoke emotions in some, so I wanted to mention all this up front.

And now, the usual content advisory…

Content Advisory: Spread throughout the four stories making up this year’s Christmas episode are teen drug use, violence (humorous in places, but a couple rough moments in “Christmas Spirits”), teasing, a funeral, corporate greed, and–of course–swearing!

No matter what you celebrate this season (or not), I wish you and yours all the best as we face down the end of another year.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Various, all licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Stories and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart

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A cross section of the end of a pale, cut log. Text reads: The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart. Written by: Christopher Gronlund. Narrated by: Dave Pettitt.


Join Mighty Missy Stewart and her badger buddy, Tamarack, as they come of age in a time of expanding frontiers and rugged lumberjacks!

Content Advisory: Were “The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart” a movie, it would be rated PG. There’s some good-natured teasing and a non-descriptive death. What might put it into the PG realm instead of General Audiences is the mention of some woodland monsters. But this one’s a really light-hearted and fun tale.

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Audio stories are best with the perfect narrator, and “The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart” is brought to life in the best of ways by the equally mighty Dave Pettitt.

Dave’s done a wide range of commercial work, including the National Hockey League and the National Football League. Cartoons and video games? Yep, Dave’s done both. But he’s best known for the unscripted reality series, Discovery’s Highway Thru Hell—and somewhere near the other end of the spectrum – GPS audio tours for an app called Guide Along.

You can learn more about Dave and what he’s up to at the links below…

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Sandra Marteleur, Horna Spelmän, and uncredited traditional tracks, all licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story: Christopher Gronlund.
Narration: Dave Pettitt.

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Mudlarking

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Photo of mud during low tide. Text reads: Mudlarking. Written and Narrated by Christopher Gronlund

When Eva Barrett decides to give mudlarking on the Thames River foreshore a go, she finds something very strange during low tide.

Content Advisory: “Mudlarking” is pretty tame. There’s some violence in the form of fighting, and even then: it’s not brutal “people-are-dying fighting” — more like light action movie fighting. And when it comes to swearing, it’s pretty non-existent (you’re likely to hear worse on television). The worst it gets is an “S” word instead of “poop.”

If you’re driving, there is one collision with a vehicle. Not a screeching tires kind of crash, just a sudden THUD!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Hampus Naeselius, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Photo Credit: Susan Green.

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It’s Never Too Late

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An hourglass sitting on small stones. Text: It's Never Too Late. Written and Narrated by Christopher Gronlund

When Stanley Gladstone takes his time machine for a test run, he gets more than he bargained for when it breaks down, leaving him stranded in 1983.

Content Advisory: “It’s Never Too Late” deals with regret, death (including a decayed body), personal loss, and the sound of someone vomiting. Also, if you’re driving, be aware there’s a scene with the main character following someone on foot that contains skidding tire sounds. I don’t want you to be driving and freaking out, thinking something’s coming at you! It’s just that moment in the story.

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Roots and Recognition, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

Additional Voices: Cynthia Griffith

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Christmas Miscellany 7

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A Red round Christmas Ornament on a gray slate background with sprigs of evergreen. Text: Christmas Miscellany Three Stories - One of Them Seasonal... Written By: Christopher Gronlund Narrated By: Christopher Gronlund and Cynthia Griffith

This year’s Christmas episode consists of three stories — one of them a Christmas tale.

  • “The World Beneath Her Brush”: This one’s about a globemaker—and I really like it!
  • “The King of French Fries”: Not only a story from the point of view of a parking lot-dwelling grackle, but it’s also accompanied by an original song.
  • “Suburban Home”: Aging punk rockers battling their homeowners’ association over Christmas decorations.

Content Advisory: “The World Beneath Her Brush” and “The King of French Fries” barely merit content advisories. At most, they are about personal struggle in the hope of having a better life. “Suburban Home” deals with pettiness, arguing, the effects of family expectations, and a slight bit of depression and anxiety mentioned in passing. Oh, and some swearing!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – With one exception, all music licensed through Epidemic Sound. The exception: Descendents’ “Suburban Home” used with permission from the band.

Also, “The Tailless Grackles of Summer” was conceptualized and arranged by Cynthia Griffith, who also came up with the first stanza of the lyrics. Christopher Gronlund finished the rest.

Stories: Christopher Gronlund.

Narration: Christopher Gronlund and Cynthia Griffith (“The World Beneath Her Brush”)

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Behind the Cut – Firing the Muse

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Left side of Image: A cross-cut of a tree stump looking down with green grass beneath it. Text reads: Behind the Cut - The Not About Lumberjacks Companion. Right side of the Image: A classic painting of a female muse (head and shoulders). She is wearing a white robe. Behind her: trees and a mountain. Added to the image: a yellow hard hat rests on her head and a thick cigar is held between her fingers. Text reads: Firing the Muse. Commentary by: Christopher Gronlund.

In this behind-the-scenes look at the latest Not About Lumberjacks story, I talk about the things I wanted to be when I grew up (before deciding the become a writer). I share stories about writing rejection, the friend who convinced me to begin recording and releasing fiction, and how a different friend’s prediction about “The Death of Literature” factors in what I’m doing today.

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Christmas Miscellany 6

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A red glass Christmas Ornament hangs from a Christmas tree branch. Behind it, blurred colorful Christmas lights. Text reads: Christmas Miscellany 6 - Written and Narrated by: Christopher Gronlund.

This year’s Christmas episode consists of four stories wrapped inside a bigger story.

  • “When Anders Came Home for Christmas”: An estranged family member returns home on Christmas Eve.
    • “Santa’s Sad Helper”: An unemployed factory worker takes a job as a Santa’s helper in the hope of making enough money for Christmas presents.
    • “The Nutcracker and Elf”: Tradition and modernism battle for the true spirit of Christmas.
    • “The Red Thief”: A new friendship forms when items begin going missing.
    • “Trollsson”: The legend of the Sleeping Mountain.

Content Advisory: “When Anders Came Home for Christmas” deals with family drama, cartoon violence, crude humor, monsters, loss of loved ones, and alcohol consumption. Unless you consider “asshole” swearing, this is the third story in a row without rougher language. I’m sure I’ll remedy that in 2023!

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Various Christmas tunes, all licensed from Epidemic Sound.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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Tin-Hearted Man

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The head of an axe resting on a cut stump. Dappled light shines on the scene, illuminating the moss and vegetation below. Text reads: "Tin-Hearted Man. Written and narrated by: Christopher Gronlund."


When Big Nick Champeau is taken by the Thunder River, his lumber camp speculates what his life might have been like before becoming a lumberjack.

Content Advisory: “Tin-Hearted Man” deals with loss of life, child abuse, alcoholism, physical fighting/violence against others, Korean War combat, facial disfigurement, lost love, loss of a pet, and drug use. But hey — there’s no swearing!

Links mentioned in the intro:

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Sanda Marteleur, licensed from Epidemic Sound. “I’m a Man You Don’t Meet Every Day,” by Harpo Marks, licensed from Premium Beat.

Story and Narration: Christopher Gronlund.

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In the Margins

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A secret passage behind a wall of filled bookcases. Text reads: In the Margins. Written by: Christopher Gronlund. Narrated by: Cynthia Griffith.

When Kenna Baynes discovers a strange book in her college library, she finds something in the margins that changes her life forever…

Content Advisory: “In the Margins” almost doesn’t merit a content advisory. There are a couple moments of light suspense and mention of college debt. There’s no swearing, but the tale does allude to a word many find offensive.

Links mentioned in the intro:

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Credits:

Music: Theme – Ergo Phizmiz. Story – Adriel Fair, Trevor Kowalski, and Many Moons Ago, all licensed from Epidemic Sound.

Story: Christopher Gronlund.

Narration: Cynthia Griffith.

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