[Listen]

[Intro music plays]

[Woman’s Voice]

This is Behind the Cut with Christopher Gronlund. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.

[Music fades out]

Christopher Gronlund:

Behind the Cut is an in-depth look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks and often contains spoilers from the most recent story. You’ve been warned…

* * *

The first thing I ever wrote for submission was also the first thing I ever had accepted by an editor: a 12-page comic book script. 

The two friends I hung out with the most in my very early adulthood were not only into reading comic books, but also writing and illustrating them. At a convention in 1989 or 1990, I met an editor looking for short scripts for a monster anthology he was putting together. While my story wasn’t quite a monster story, he liked it enough that he made an exception and accepted it for publication.

An artist friend and I immediately got to work on the story. (My friend Tim, who did the logo for Not About Lumberjacks…and convinced me to start a Patreon for the show.) We recruited other friends we met through indie comics to work on inks (William Traxtle) and lettering (the mighty Brad Thomte).

It was such a rush holding a finished copy of the book when it was published (MOJO Press’s CREATURE FEATURES), but the best part of it all was the collaboration with editor, Rick Klaw—and other people who became friends through comics.

* * *

Writing is a solitary act: hours alone at a keyboard or notebook, lost in worlds and situations and characters. If you’re lucky, maybe you have trusted readers helping you along the way. If you’re very lucky, you’ve chatted with an agent or editor about the story…and have support when finished through a publisher. But unless you’re working on a story with another writer, writing fiction is not the most collaborative effort.

* * *

The two creative things I’ve done that have made money—writing and juggling—were collaborative endeavors earlier in my life.

A friend and I used to street perform…not that we made a lot of money passing the hat. The fun came in the hours of practice together, honing our skills and coming up with routines. They were the stories that came with what we did: things like almost being set on fire by the lead singer of a punk band, or having a stranger on the street mess with us and our gear while we were strapped into straitjackets.

The fun with comics was hanging out with supportive friends who had a shared dream, spending most of our free time working on pitches, stories, and talking about this thing we loved. There was a time it consumed us.

(A quick side story: I met my wife, Cynthia, through a small comic book company—where she was an artist—in the spring of 1992. We started hanging out when she heard I juggled. She was taught how to juggle in elementary school and always wanted to learn more. So, I taught her—and we’ve been together since those days.)

* * *

I miss those early days of collaboration and absolute support. Not that I don’t feel supported with Not About Lumberjacks—I hear from people who love the show, and some even support it financially. What I’m talking about are those late nights staying up and working on something with friends; talking about the thing you love more than most other things every single day.

Letting a creative love wash over you and provide shelter, no matter how rough the world might become.

I sometimes talk with Cynthia about stories, but she’s usually there as a second set of eyes after I’ve finished things. And I regularly talk with my friend, Deacon, about writing, even about works in progress around during our annual long-weekend writing retreats.

But there’s nothing like the days when working with friends…when our heads—even at our day jobs—were always full of what was next in our shared efforts.

* * *

Most Not About Lumberjacks stories are lonely efforts—and I’m fine with that. I adore creating a thing that is wholly my own, from an idea, to the story…and then recording the narration, making sounds (or finding them), and choosing music tracks from a library I use. Loading it all online and promoting new stories.

It’s still a shelter I can rely on no matter how ugly the world outside may be.

When my mind turns toward stressful or even darker thoughts, a story is always there needing my attention—a switch that makes the worst of things disappear from my head. I find solace in this process that rewards my mental time and efforts, instead of making me feel even worse.

And the show is not entirely devoid of collaborative efforts…

* * *

In November, I released a tall tale called “The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart,” that turned out to be one of my favorite stories on the Not About Lumberjacks website. It was written, in part, with a voice in mind: a professional voiceover artist and actor named Dave Pettitt.

Working with Dave was a blast! Along the way, we worked on how he’d read the story—in the more typical “podcast voice,” or treating it like an audiobook? Sample bits to approve and then the final track. The option for second takes, although none were required because it was perfect with the start!

I’ve worked with other narrators along the way, and have even done a couple one-shot audiodramas requiring multiple voices contributing to stories.

I’ve spent time in our closet recording booth with Cynthia as she’s recorded full stories, dialogue for background scenes, and even provided growls and snarls for a dragon in the story, “Rockbiters.”

Most recently, I collaborated with Clarke Jaxton Motorbike on a Not About Lumberjacks story called “Enemy Wanted.” Mr. Motorbike provided the recurring music used throughout the story.

* * *

Sometimes collaborations didn’t work out, even when I was younger. And sometimes collaborations ended as higher paying work was offered to people you once worked with in the hope of a shared something more.

But that’s a rarity. And when things don’t work out—even today—it’s no problem: we’re all busy with life. Sometimes schedules that once seemed open close for other things.

There are always more stories and opportunities for collaboration, even with a show like Not About Lumberjacks, which is mostly a thing all my own. (Or something with Cynthia’s assistance if a story is heavily from the point of view of a woman.

* * *

There’s another kind of collaboration many people don’t consider: the support of others who do something similar to what you’re doing, even if you don’t work together.

Most of the other narrators and voices I’ve used for Not About Lumberjacks are people I’ve met through podcasting…with many working on audio fiction themselves.

I can talk to other creative friends doing similar things about snags I might encounter along the way. If I mention my digital audio workstation seizing up in the middle of recording—or that I was set up to record, but was getting a buzz that took 20 minutes to find in my setup and eliminate before recording—those friends have been there themselves. (Or, if I encounter something I can’t figure out on my own, some are only a text message away!)

And then there are creative friends working in other fields I chat with about overlapping challenges and concerns about what we do: balancing life with creative schedules; overcoming those times of lower energy and personal challenges; even talking about being a creative person in a time when A.I. keeps affecting the industries we all work in.

* * *

I’m a very fortunate person to have begun my creative life in such a collaborative way. I still have that belief I had in my late teens and early 20s that if I want to do something, it’s just a bit of effort (or a lot) to make it exist.

I’m still in touch with most of the people I met through comics books in the late 80s and early 90s. I cherish these decades-long friendships and how we support each other even today.

Some of those friends still work in comics full time. Others went on to illustrating book covers and interiors for bestselling novels. A good friend who still occasionally works on comic books pays the bills as a voice actor, voicing cartoon characters you likely know…or maybe even grew up watching.

Through collaboration, I know screenwriters and animators; musicians, directors, and other creative people.

Outside of working with other narrators, Not About Lumberjacks is mostly a solitary effort.

But you’d be mistaken to believe I do it all on my own…

To all those who supported (and still support me), whether it’s working together on something in the past, working together on a Not About Lumberjacks story, or just rooting for me and this little thing I do: thank you so much!

(I may work in silence, but I’m never working alone…)

* * *

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.

Also, for as little as a dollar a month—and actually even free—you can have access to a bigger behind-the-scenes look at Not About Lumberjacks on Patreon. Check out patreon.com/cgronlund if that sounds like your kinda thing.

In May, it’s a return to two detectives from an earlier Not About Lumberjacks story called “Godspeed, Crazy Mike.” This one’s more of a thriller than a full-blown whodunit mystery, but there will still be plenty for those who love to guess what’s going on before things are revealed.

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp.

[Listen]

[Sound of an ax chopping wood. Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

I want to make one thing perfectly clear: this show is not about lumberjacks…

My name is Christopher Gronlund, and this is where I share my stories. Sometimes the stories contain truths, but most of the time, they’re made up. Sometimes the stories are funny—other times they’re serious. But you have my word about one thing: I will never—EVER—share a story about lumberjacks.

This time, it’s a story about what happens when a sleep study technician with insomnia answers a flyer ad found on a telephone pole looking for an enemy.

But first, the usual content advisory…

Were it a movie, “Enemy Wanted” would be rated PG. It deals with difficulty sleeping, blurring reality, crime, cartoonish violence, illness, a death, and wishing for an early end. That makes it sound dismal, but I assure you…it’s a blast of a story. Also, it’s one with no swearing. (I always want to swear in the intro when saying a story is without “mature language.”)

Before we get to the story, I want to talk about the music in this one. Some time ago, a friend getting into making synthesizer music stumbled upon a guy on YouTube named Clarke Jaxton Motorbike. Mr. Motorbike shares top-notch stories in text over electronic music he composes for the pieces. My friend knew it was my kinda thing and shared it.

I fell in love from the first story. You know how sometimes you hear a band and think, “Wow, this is an instant fave?” Clarke Jaxton Motorbike’s writing is like that for me. Sure, it’s not novel-length stuff, but what he packs into several minute stories is incredible—a total masterclass in brevity.

So, I was happy when he messaged me after commenting on his stories on YouTube and Instagram, letting me know he liked my writing…and that he’d LOVE to do the music score for a story.

The timing was perfect for “Enemy Wanted.” (I think you’ll agree.)

I’ll link to Clarke Jaxton Motorbike’s online accounts in the show notes and on the talent page. Seriously, his music and writing are wonderful things, so be sure to check them out!

All right, let’s get to work!

#

Enemy Wanted

Ferdinand Pérez stopped walking and read the flyer taped to the telephone pole a block from his house:

ENEMY WANTED

123-555-1212

It was the kind of thing someone would make, post, and take a photo of to share online, a meme-ready image waiting to go viral. Or a guerrilla marketing campaign: call the number and end up listening to a recording about whiter teeth, hot singles in your area, or the dreaded extended auto warranty. There was even the possibility of someone actually looking for an enemy, however that would work. Believing it was a scam, Ferdinand removed the flyer and threw it in the trash when he got home.

It was the beginning of four days off from long nights at the sleep lab where he ran studies. Ferdinand looked forward to—and dreaded—these days. Three nights on and four days off sounded great when he started. A life-long insomniac, it seemed like the ideal job, but now his days were spent trying to sleep instead of his nights.

As morning rolled into afternoon, exhaustion got the best of him. He pulled the flyer out of the kitchen garbage and called the number.

* * *

Someone masking their voice like a true crime TV show witness picked up.

“Yes?”

“Hi,” Ferdinand said. “Uhm…I saw a flyer on a telephone pole. Looking for an enemy? Now that I’m thinking about it, this is probably all a prank. Someone messing with you as much as me. I’m sorry.”

“Who is this?”

“Ferdinand. Ferd.”

“Ferdinand who?”

“Pérez.”

“No, Ferdinand Pérez…Ferd. I put the flyer there, and I am looking for an enemy.”

“Okay…so what’s next?”

“What do you do for a living, Ferd?”

“I’m a polysomnographic technician.”

“Sleep studies, correct?”

“Uh…yes. Most people don’t know what that is. Who are you?”

“It will be all be revealed, once I know you are a worthy opponent. Goodbye, Ferd.”

* * *

Ferd sat on his couch, debating with himself about calling the number again. His mind wasn’t completely scrambled in his 23rd hour of being awake—including a 13-hour shift in the lab—but he was slipping into a state of hazy focus. He knew better than calling again until his head was more clear.

An hour later, he shuffled off to his bedroom, where he finally dozed off two hours later.

* * *

Between his waking hours, constant exhaustion, and rough sleep in which Ferd’s mind seemed to fold over on itself—his dreams like nesting dolls—reality was a nebulous domain leaving him wondering what was real and what wasn’t.

A man in a gas mask stood at the foot of his bed.

“Are you really here?” Ferd said.

The man raised a pistol and pointed it at Ferd. The barrel flared out at the end, like a blunderbuss. A faint green light illuminated on its side. On top, a glass cylinder full of liquid.

The man in the gas mask took a step closer and pulled the trigger.

Fog rolled out from the barrel as the man said, “Sleeeeeeep,” in the voice from the phone call.

* * *

Ferd woke up and looked at the clock on the nightstand beside him: six-o’-clock in the evening. After a momentary panic, thinking it was time to begin a night in the sleep lab, he remembered he was done working for the week.

“Just two friggin’ hours,” he said while stretching in bed.

He tried dozing off again, but his stomach kept growling.

“Fine, fine, I’ll feed you.”

When he got up and flipped on the light, he saw a box atop a mound of laundry he needed to put up. He opened the bedroom door and checked every other space in the house before returning. He slowly entered, fully expecting to see the man in the gas mask by his bed.

Ferd looked at the box and noticed a piece of paper on the floor. He grabbed a pillow from his bed and tossed it at the note. He threw another pillow at the box, expecting it to explode. When he felt reasonably sure the items weren’t booby trapped, he picked up the pillow on the floor and read the note.

A GOOD ENEMY IS A WELL-PREPARED ENEMY. CARRY WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES THE ITEM IN THE BOX.

– D

Ferd removed the other pillow and tossed it back on his bed. He closed his eyes as he removed the box’s lid.

Inside, he saw the handle of what looked like a ray gun in a holster. He removed it from the box and carefully pulled out the gun.

It weighed less than expected. Ferd wondered what kind of metal it was made out of to be so light. A prong in the back lined up with a sight at the end of a barrel sporting a series of rings, like cooling fins. The gun had two triggers—one above the other. The top read BLAST and the bottom: STUN. On the side, an Art Deco font over a stylized lightning bolt read ELECTROCUTER.

Ferd searched his house again before popping a frozen pizza in the oven.

He put the gun in the holster and took it to his office.

When Ferd flipped open his laptop and checked the time, he was surprised to see Tue Mar 4 6:17 PM. He checked his phone to verify the date and time: same thing.

No wonder he was so hungry—he had slept 26 hours straight.

* * *

When he was 19 and started working regularly, Ferd took up jogging in the hope of making himself sleepy. Between odd construction jobs and running for miles, he thought he’d fall into a deep sleep each night, but the insomnia afflicting him since childhood kept its hold.

At 26, since he was up all night anyway, he considered moving to an overnight security position, but his uncle suggested studying to become a sleep technician at Thanksgiving. He’d seen something about it on the news and thought it was perfect for his nephew. After eleven years on the job, Ferd was glad he took his uncle’s advice.

His nightly runs took him a mile through his neighborhood, to a park across a quiet highway bordering one side of his development. The loop around baseball fields and a pond at the back of the park worked out to be a half mile—a perfect distance for speed drills or running all night.

He was wasn’t sure about jogging with the holster belt and gun, so he tied a long-sleeved shirt around his waist to conceal it. The night patrol officers in town were used to seeing him, waving as he ran through neighborhoods or on his way to his favorite running loop.

Ferd was at the back of the park when it happened: someone came rushing out from the tree line to his right. When he turned around to run away, another figure charged him. To his left, down a dock leading to an observation deck overlooking the pond, someone else approached—someone with a chainsaw! Trapped on three sides, instinct told him to run into the trees and lose them, but his hand went to the gun. As he put the person in front of him in the gun’s sights, Ferd realized they weren’t people at all.

He almost laughed at how ridiculous the robot looked as it passed beneath a light along the trail. It rolled along on a single wheel extending from a body that looked like a metal barrel. Its hands reminded Ferd of the claw game at arcades, three fingers on the ends of arms like ductwork. And its ridiculous head, an oval hunk of metal with glowing eyes and a speaker for a mouth. Antennae poked out on each side; a glass or plastic dome on top glowed a brighter blue the faster it moved.

The robot wasn’t so funny when its hands started whirling. Its arms extended and retracted as it tried striking Ferd, barely missing him. When Ferd pulled the BLAST trigger on the gun, a tiny lightning bolt struck the robot in the chest, frying its circuits and sending it to the ground. Ferd turned just in time to dodge an attack from the one behind. The BLAST effect sent that one down as well.

The final robot was like the others, only with chainsaw blades for hands instead of claws. Ferd charged into the trees, hoping it couldn’t pursue on its little wheel, but it gained on him. He turned to shoot it, but hit a tree instead, splintering it like a lightning strike. The robot raced down the trail toward him. He fired another blast, but missed when the robot extended and retracted a chainsaw hand. And then another. Ferd dropped to his knees as the robot closed on him.

When it reached him and came down with both bladed hands, Ferd shoved the gun into the wheel housing and pulled the STUN trigger. The maniacal robot fell back and down.  When Ferd stood up, he shot it with the BLAST setting to be sure it was immobilized.

It didn’t matter if he was on friendly terms with the police or not, there was no way to explain what had just happened. Ferd ran deeper into the trees until reaching railroad tracks, which he followed to the far side of his neighborhood, before doubling back and returning home.

* * *

When he finally settled down, Ferd called the number on the flyer.

“Yes,” said the altered voice.

“What the hell just happened?!”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. Those robots!”

“Think of them as a test. You did a stellar job defeating them, Ferd.”

“How do you know I did?”

“Cameras, dear boy.”

“What?”

During his run home along the railroad tracks, Ferd wondered if the noise of the attack had attracted attention. If not, would the robots be found in the morning? Now he worried they’d be discovered and he’d be on camera.

“Don’t worry, Ferd. I sent a clean-up crew to take care of the mess. You did well, all things considered.”

“I’m done!” Ferd said.

“No, you are not. You answered the flyer ad. We’re in this until one of us defeats the other.”

“You didn’t do a thing! You let robots do your dirty work!”

“A good enemy always sends henchmen, first. To test their foe.”

“I’m not your foe. I quit!

“You can quit, Ferd, but I will still come for you. Enjoy the rest of your evening.” 

* * *

Ferd went to his office and opened his laptop. He typed the flyer’s phone number into Google.

No results.

A search for “attacked by robots” resulted in a fake news story about a robot assaulting an autoworker on the assembly line after turning off other bots. “Captured by robots” resulted in a strange band with a human lead singer who performed with robot band members. On a scrap of paper, he jotted down the band name and added MAYBE? (IT’S STRANGE ENOUGH!)

Searching for “lightning gun” pulled up TV tropes and lists of video game weapons, but nothing that would make him say, “Ah-ha—that’s it!” “ELECTROCUTER” resulted in a song hit and a music compilation—as well as plenty about electrocution—but nothing about the gun.

Ferd thought about his enemy’s henchmen and typed “man in robot suit.”

The top searches were all costumes, articles about dancing and military robots, and something about a man on Russian TV who brought a robot on the news appearance. That sounded promising, but it ended up being a hoax. Digging deeper, though, Ferd found a 1974 newspaper article headline from The Akron Beacon Journal: “Man in Robot Suit Baffles Authorities.” The link sent him to a nationwide newspapers site through a genealogy service. He signed up for a free seven-day account and found the article.

MAN IN ROBOT SUIT BAFFLES AUTHORITIES – OCTOBER 28, 1974

Authorities are on the lookout for what witnesses describe as a “man in a robot suit.” Two sightings in the area have residents wondering what is going on.

“I was out walking my dog when I saw it,” said Thomas Berger. “At first, I thought it was a man on stilts dressed up for Halloween, but he was inside some kind of armor. He picked up a picnic bench with one hand and spotted me before running away faster than anyone I’ve ever seen.”

Another witness, Donald Sanke, said he was watching his two children playing on a park swingset when he spotted the man.

“I saw him by the trees in the back of the park and got up. I didn’t know if he meant us harm or not. When he noticed I spotted him, he ran away.”

Police said they have no leads, but Mr. Sanke has an idea.

“You remember that weird bank robbery up in Cleveland seven or eight years ago? I wonder if it’s the same person.”

Ferd searched for “Cleveland Bank Robberies 1960s,” and found a 1967 article in the Cleveland Plain Dealer about a robbery where a man used a “ray gun” to enter a vault and get away with 1.2 million dollars. The article claimed the gun made the vault door “disappear.” The only thing left behind was a calling card reading THE DECIMATOR.

Additional searches produced a 1976 article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette about a “man in flying boots,” and a Detroit Free Press article from 1979 about a costumed man in a gas mask stopping a robbery using a “sleep gas gun.” Ferd even stumbled upon a YouTube clip from a 1989 episode of Unsolved Mysteries about the Cleveland bank robbery. The segment claimed only D.B. Cooper’s mid-air plane heist and whereabouts eclipsed the strange crime in Cleveland.

* * *

On Wednesday afternoon, in his 25th hour of being awake, Ferd heard a noise at his front door. He went out through the back and snuck around to see who was there. Someone had placed a package on his doormat.

It was larger than the lightning gun box—and longer. He wondered if it was a trap, but was growing too tired to care. Ferd had reached a state of sleeplessness where he wondered if the box was even real.

He set it on his coffee table and opened it. Inside, he found a jumpsuit. It was covered in wires and round metal discs several inches wide. A belt with an ON/OFF switch looked like it hooked into the wire connections covering the garment.

“Why the hell not?” he said. Ferd pulled it on, hooked up the belt, and flipped the switch.

The suit hummed to life, surrounding him in a warm blue glow. He tapped his arm and felt nothing. Ran at a wall and bounced off with no bruising. A forcefield suit. After testing its strength in the garage (hammers, saws, and even a soldering iron had no effect), he returned to the living room. He looked at the box the suit arrived in and saw a note. It read:

IT WOULD BE WISE TO WEAR THIS BENEATH YOUR CLOTHES WHEN YOU GO OUT.

– D

* * *

Ferd stayed in Wednesday night, keeping an eye outside in the hope of spotting the person sworn to be his new enemy. He opened a window when the world was quiet and asleep, listening out for a drone. Somehow, he must have been tracked.

When he was convinced a drone wasn’t giving him away, he spent the next hour looking for a tracker. He pulled out the soles of his shoes; emptied his wallet and took his key fob apart. Finally figured out how to turn off all location tracking on his phone. After that, Ferd considered researching some more, but opted for watching TV instead. He kept the force field suit on, figuring if something happened, safety was an ON switch away.

When the sun came up, he watched his go-to comfort show: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. It was a favorite show as a kid, and it still kept him entertained years later—a thing he could watch for hours again and again. In one episode, the turtles found a card at the scene of a crime. It read “– S.” Every kid knew it was from the show’s main villain, The Shredder.

It made him think of the note included with the force field jumpsuit ending with “– D.”

He went to his laptop and continued searching for “The Decimator,” finding pages of table-top war game results, but nothing more than the article about the Cleveland robbery. When he eventually gave up, he crawled into bed, where he finally fell asleep three hours later.

* * *

Thursday evenings were Ferd’s Sundays. While he enjoyed his job and the focus that came with it, 13-hour shifts and trying to get back on schedule wrecked him even more. As his restlessness intensified, he put on the forcefield suit. Over that, his running clothes. Ferd finished by strapping on the lightning gun, and headed out for a run.

Each time he passed the back of the park, he expected another robot attack. He had considered driving to a more public park and running, but figured if something was going to happen, he’d not be able to avoid it by changing locations. His enemy knew where he lived. For all Ferd knew, they were waiting for him at home.

On his fourth mile, he paused and looked skyward, at what appeared to be a meteor breaking up as it entered the atmosphere. It continued flaring and turned his way, landing on the trail before him. Not a man in a robot suit, but a man in powered armor.

Gone were the ridiculous heads of the robots two nights before. A sleek helmet and visor replaced speaker mouths and antennae jutting out from the sides. No clunky barrel-shaped body; instead, a two-toned gray armor like a sci-fi version of motocross protective gear. The jetpack and stabilizers on the sides of its feet glowed orange from the flight.

Ferd flipped the forcefield suit’s ON button just in time. The man in the powered suit pulled a gun from a holster and fired a blue beam his way. Ferd felt its warmth radiate across his chest, a ripple of energy absorbed by the energy bubble surrounding him.

Ferd returned fire, but the crackle of the lightning gun had no effect. He turned to run, but the man in the armored suit leaped over him in a flip and blocked his way. Another shot from the lightning gun yielded no results—Ferd clicked it into its holster and took off across the grass toward a playground. Again, the man in the suit blocked his way.

The armor looked like it had exposed areas at its joints. Ferd threw a punch at his foe’s lower abdomen. He cut his fist on the bottom of an armored plate, but landed a blow. The man in the suit extended his arm and hit Ferd with a white blast emanating from his palm, knocking Ferd back across the grass and into the post of a swingset. No damage.

As Ferd stood up, the man in the armored suit let loose a blast from the jets on his feet, giving Ferd no time to react before closing the distance and crashing into him. Their forcefields canceled each other out—the blow blow Ferd as he was sent back into the post a second time. Blood dripped from his forehead. He looked up and saw the man inside the armor through a broken visor.

Ferd hadn’t given much time to considering what his enemy looked like. When he did, he imagined someone his age, possibly advised by an old spy. He didn’t expect a man in his 80s who looked familiar, even though he couldn’t place who the man was or where he’d seen him.

Ferd’s enemy raised his hand and covered the side of his face exposed by the collision. Ferd readied another punch as a car pulled into the parking lot. Bright lights flared as a police patrol spotted them.

“Hold onto me, Ferd!”

Ferd stood on the armored man’s feet and found handholds on his sides. The man in the armored suit wrapped his arms around Ferd—and with a WHOOSH—they were airborne.

The city fell away from view as they climbed, and then tilted east. They flew to the edge of town and landed in a field. The man in the armored suit let go of Ferd and said, “Head through those trees over there. You can catch a bus home.”

Then he reached down and removed the holster and lightning gun from Ferd’s waist.

He took off before Ferd could protest.

* * *

When he got home, Ferd plopped down in his favorite chair in front of a silent television. While reclusive by nature, he considered contacting a friend and talking about his strange week. But who would believe him?

“You answered a flyer ad, and now an old man you think is a 1960s bank robber is attacking you with robots and powered suits? I know we barely talk and that you have issues sleeping—are you okay?”

So he sat in his chair on edge, jumping at any creaking of the house settling at night. Wondering if a passing car was delivering a new message, or a distant plane some new construct coming his way for another fight. When the sun came up, Ferd went for a run in his neighborhood. He’d sworn off the park and figured he was safe on the waking streets. He spent a calm morning, thinking about what might happen next. Then he did something he’d not done in years: he crawled into bed and got six hours of sleep before waking up for work.

* * *

Ferd’s two favorite things about his job were helping people and—once a study was underway—having a little time for other things. As he monitored the evening’s study, a 38-year-old office manager who admitted at least some of her problem was an urge to check her phone for work messages all night, he looked through recent studies. The man in the flying suit looked old, so he searched for all males he recently monitored over 70.

When his current study stirred awake and settled back to sleep after remembering where she was and that she was not allowed to check her phone, he looked through videos from those he whittled down for his search. Eventually, he saw him: an 85-year-old man who looked exactly like the person behind the broken visor from the night before. How could he forget that name: Clarence Grossweiner!

He remembered, now. He was, perhaps, the most exhausted study Ferd conducted in at least a year. A man who told him he started having sleep issues for the first time in his life and didn’t know why. Ferd had everything he needed: his enemy’s address, phone number, and even some personal information about the man tormenting him all week.

When the night’s study was complete and he finished all his notes, Ferd went home to get the forcefield suit.

* * *

On his walk home, Ferd thought about what he’d do: monitor Clarence’s house and catch him out of his armor. Rush him, tie him up, and force him to reveal everything. When he got home, Ferd saw an envelope taped to the door.

He went around to his shed in the backyard and got a rake. He used its tines to pull the envelope out, checking to see if it was a trap. When he was convinced it was just another communication from Clarence, he set the rake down, removed the envelope from the door, and went inside.

The note read:

Ferd,

You have proven yourself to be a worthy adversary—an enemy beyond my expectations. I believe it best to skip to the end.

Meet me in the field where I dropped you off after our fight Thursday night. Midnight. This all ends in a duel.

– D

Ferd was not going to wait. He put on the forcefield suit and headed out.

* * *

Clarence Grossweiner lived on a tiny estate at the edge of town, a stout brick home built before shoddy McMansions crowded the area. The property was surrounded by an iron fence and manicured hedges; the driveway tucked behind a wrought iron gate and stone wall. Looking on Google Maps, the likelihood of sneaking across the grounds unseen was slim. Ferd pulled to the callbox, pressed the intercom’s button, and said, “I know you can hear me, Grossweiner. Probably see me, too! Open up and face me!”

From the intercom speaker came a frail voice. “Please don’t call me that, Ferdinand. My name is Clarence.”

“Fine. Clarence! Better?”

“Yes. Thank you. What do you want, Ferd? Our duel is scheduled for Monday.”

“I want all this to stop.”

“It will end Monday.”

“I’m not going to fight you anymore.”

“Okay.”

Ferd looked for the camera on the callbox—found the lens and stared into it.

“Okay? You’ve tormented me all week and now you’re just stopping? Forgive me if I don’t believe you.”

“You’re forgiven, and I’m sorry for all I’ve put you through. You’re relieved of your duty.”

“What?” Ferd said. “No!”

“You said you want this to stop. That you refuse to fight anymore. So, be on your way.”

He pointed at the camera. “You’ve got something planned. I know it.”

“I am a sincere person, Ferd. Or is there something more you want?”

“Uhm…”

“Uhm what?”

“I guess I want to know why you chose me?”

“You answered a random flyer taped to a telephone pole.”

“Sure. Yeah. But…it looked like it hadn’t been there that long. And few people pass by that way.”

“Fine, Ferd. I will tell you why I chose you if you accept my duel. Right now.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Then I can’t tell you why I chose you.”

“Fine!” Ferd said.

The gate separated in the middle and opened wide.

“Come to the house. I promise I have nothing planned until we speak.”

* * *

Ferd cautiously made his way up the long drive and parked before the stairway leading to the house. The entry double doors parted before Ferd could knock or ring the doorbell. Before him stood Clarence Grossweiner, the tired old man from a sleep study two months earlier.

“Welcome, Ferd. Please, come inside.”

He turned and disappeared into the shadows of the large foyer. Ferd followed, closing the doors behind him. He flipped the ON switch of the forcefield suit as he passed through. The dark interior of the house gave way to a bright solarium running the entire length of the back of the house. He hoped Clarence wouldn’t notice the suit’s glow in the light.

The black and white checkered floor opened to Mediterranean arched windows on three sides of the large sunroom. Potted plants and flowers were placed along the outside of the space and atop ornate pillars in the corners. Vines hung down from a glass roof held in place by intricate Art Nouveau ironwork. At one end of the space, a heavy wooden table with equally stout benches. On the other side, a sitting area composed of a long couch and two club chairs. In the center of it all, a small fountain.

“Would you like something to drink, Ferd? Some lemonade, perhaps?”

“No, thank you.”

“Well, I’d like some if you’d allow me a moment.”

Ferd expected Clarence to return in the biggest, most ridiculous robot suit of them all, but he came back with a glass pitcher on a tray with two glasses. He set it down on a table between the two chairs and poured himself a glass.

“I assume you figured out who I am?”

“Yes,” Ferd said. “But it doesn’t explain all this.”

Clarence Grossweiner admired his solarium and said, “I invested my sole criminal haul rather well. That’s the problem with most people: they get a taste of the adventure and riches and keep going until caught. I simply wanted to fund the things living in my imagination. I’m not proud of how I went about it, but what’s done is long done.

“But you don’t care at all about that. You’re here to find out why I chose you.”

Ferd nodded. “Yes.”

“If you recall, during my sleep study, we talked about how funny it is that you help people sleep better, but struggle with insomnia. You mentioned your days running together—how your job was the only thing that felt real. I figured your life could do well with a break from the monotonous trudging of blurred days and nights. I’m sure you were hoping for more, but that’s my motivation. I’m sorry you’re not some ‘Chosen One,’ or that all this culminates in some grand purpose.”

Clarence took a sip of his lemonade and opened a box on the coffee table in front of the couch. He pulled out two ray guns, handing one to Ferd.

* * *

“We’re going to do this like they do in the movies: back to back and ten paces. I’ll count them out, and then we turn and shoot. Understood?”

“Yes,” Ferd said. He followed Clarence to the middle of the solarium and took a step forward with each number called out.

“One…two…three…”

Ferd flipped the OFF switch of the forcefield suit beneath his clothes…

“Four…five…six…”

He scrutinized the heft of the ray gun in his hand. Carefully slid his finger into the trigger guard.

“Seven…Eight…Nine…Ten!”

Ferd turned and deliberately shot one of the plants on a stone column the corner. The column and everything in an eight-foot sphere around it, disappeared, leaving a deep divot in the checkered floor. He waited for the the shot coming his way. Instead, Clarence stood tall, his arms spread wide—eyes closed. When he opened them, he followed Ferd’s gaze to the crater in the floor.

“Perhaps 10 paces each was too much,” Clarence said. “Shall we try again with five?”

“No,” Ferd said. “You didn’t even shoot.”

“I must have missed as well.”

“No, you did nothing. Why?”

“Because I’m sick, Ferd. I found out about a week after the sleep study. I’m not going to get better, so I’ve chosen not to treat it at my age. But it’s caught up with me, and I just want the pain to end. We’re not kind to people in my state in this country.

“So, I figured I’d find someone I could bother—work them up to a point they’d gladly fire on me. POOF—gone! No evidence left behind. Leave The Decimator in the hands of someone I felt would not use it for nefarious reasons. You were so friendly and understanding during my sleep study.

“I know it’s a horrible thing to put upon another person, but I can’t bring myself to do it on my own. I didn’t count on you being such a terrible shot.”

Ferd placed The Decimator on the ground and said, “I missed on purpose.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I initially figured the suit would absorb anything you fired my way, and that if I missed you, we’d both live. But as we started pacing off, I changed my mind. I’m not sure this is real.”

“What do you mean?” Clarence said.

“This. My life. Does all this exist, or is it because I suck so much at sleeping? Are all the weird things I see in my periphery now standing right in front of me? I feel so locked in. I’m terrified that I’m wrapped up in two or three layers of dreaming and at home or even in a hospital bed. Or worse: dead…and this is my eternity. I don’t know. Nothing works: sleeping pills, meditation, none of it. It’s like I’m a ghost.

“So, I thought, ‘I’ll miss and he’ll hit and it will all be over. I’ll finally get to rest.’”

Clarence’s grin turned to laughter.

“Well, aren’t we both the proper mess.”

“Yeah, we are. So, what now?”

“I release you as my enemy. Go home, Ferd. I’m sorry I involved you in all this. Keep the forcefield suit as payment.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll figure something out. Goodbye, Ferd. You were a wonderful enemy.”

* * *

Saturday night’s sleep study was an eighteen-year-old college football prospect who slept well once settled. It wasn’t Ferd’s call, but with no disorder, he guessed it was simply anxiety that would go away once the kid decided where he’d sign. Sunday was an artist who stopped breathing 50 times an hour. She seemed happy something was caught and that a CPAP machine would help her finally get some rest.

On Monday morning, Ferd smiled as he passed the telephone pole where the week before, he spotted Clarence’s flyer. He thought about the week ahead of him, how he’d give Clarence a call and take him up on that glass of lemonade. At home, he warmed up some leftover Thai takeout and sat down on his couch.

Ferd turned on the local news to catch the weather—seeing if the forecast matched what the app on his phone predicted. Onscreen, a reporter stood in front of a familiar gate where a familiar house once stood. Police on the ground—and circling in a helicopter above—marveled at the massive divot where Clarence Grossweiner’s house once stood. No sign of an explosion—just like everything simply disappeared.

* * *

Epilogue

Wednesday afternoon, while catching up on a podcast from a guy in Florida who reviewed store-bought soups, Ferd got an alert from his camera doorbell. A FedEx delivery. He watched the courier set down a package and return to his truck. Ferd got up and opened the door.

It was the size of a shoe box. Ferd brought it inside and set it on his coffee table. When he went to the kitchen to get scissors to cut through the tape, he poured the last of the lemonade he made in honor of Clarence. He set the glass down on a coaster next to the box.

Inside, was a note and something beneath, wrapped in a towel.

Ferd,

I want to properly apologize for involving you in my ridiculous plan. By the time you read this, you’ll likely have heard what happened to me. While I cannot bring myself to pull the trigger on The Decimator, I’ve long speculated what would happen if its core were breached by a timed explosion while I was asleep. I guess I’ll find out. Or not if it works the way I hope.

It was terrible of me to expect you to do such a thing. I had written a confession for you, explaining to authorities how I manipulated you to fire on me in self defense. Fortunately, that was not needed. Everything was decimated with me, save what’s in this box. I hope it helps you.

Your enemy,

Clarence Grossweiner

(It really is quite a name, huh?)

Ferd lifted the item wrapped in the towel. Beneath it: six stacks of hundred dollar bills! Sixty-thousand in cash with a Post-it Note reading: CLEAN CASH—NOT FROM THE BANK HEIST.

He carefully unrolled the object wrapped in the towel, revealing the gas gun Clarence used the afternoon he entered Ferd’s bedroom. Another note included the formula for the sleep gas and a final message:

SWEET DREAMS, FERD. THANK YOU FOR MAKING AN OLD MAN’S FINAL DAYS SO MUCH FUN.

* * *

[Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks.

And a HUGE thank you to Clarke Jaxton Motorbike for providing custom music for “Enemy Wanted.” Like I said up front, you can find links to his stories and music in the show notes for this episode…and on the Talent page.

Speaking of music…as always, theme music is provided by Ergo Phizmiz.

Sound effects are made in-house or from Epidemic Sound and freesound.org. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the show, the voice talent, and the music. Also, for as little as a dollar a month, you can support the show at patreon.com/cgronlund.

In May, it’s a return to two detectives from an earlier Not About Lumberjacks story—this time, more of a thriller than a full-blown mystery, but there will still be plenty for those who love to guess what’s going on before things are revealed.

[Quirky music fades out…]

[The sound of an axe chopping.]

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Intro music plays]

[Woman’s Voice]

This is Behind the Cut with Christopher Gronlund. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.

[Music fades out]

Christopher Gronlund:

Behind the Cut is an in-depth look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks and often contains spoilers from the most recent story. You’ve been warned…

* * *

If you write enough, it’s bound to happen: something you’ve finished or released is similar to (or even very much like) something else out there. And with the Internet being what it is, you’re likely to hear, “You swiped from that new story that’s out!”—or even something older. Something you’re not familiar with.

Thing is: it’s entirely possible to write a very similar story as someone else without knowing the other story exists.

It happens all the time…

* * *

My first novel, Hell Comes with Wood-Paneled Doors, is a humorous coming of age story about a family traveling cross-country in a possessed station wagon. And if I had a book published for every time I heard, “That’s just like National Lampoon’s Vacation,” I’d have a shelf full of books.

Hell Comes with Wood-Paneled Doors came about when I first started considering submitting fiction, when I was twenty. I had a copy of the Novel and Short Story Writer’s Market guide and was looking for places accepting short fiction. One place was a publication specializing in station wagons. It turned out to be a newsletter, so the story the publication inspired in me was too long for what amounted to a tri-fold pamphlet, but I had a story that would not leave my mind.

When I released it as a podcast and later as an e-book, I heard the comparisons to National Lampoon’s Vacation. But aside from a father and son buying a station wagon in the opening scene, they are very different stories!

(By the way, the story now lives on the Not About Lumberjacks site, under the Novels link.)

* * *

There’s an early-ish Not About Lumberjacks story called “Standstill.” It’s about a woman whose husband is dying, and she has a magical watch that can pause time for 24 hours. The watch breaks, and they are stuck in time together. She loves it, because it means her husband will not die, but he grows to hate it because she’s holding on to him and denying herself so many experiences.

I released the story about the time a coworker at an old job found out I have a fiction podcast. “Standstill” was the first story he listened to. He came in one morning and told me he listened…and loved the story. And then he said, “You totally got that idea from Futurama, didn’t you?”

I didn’t, but…maybe I did? Subconsciously? Because I loved Futurama when it was on, even though I’d forgotten there was an episode in which main characters, Fry and Leela, end up stuck in time and grow old together. [Spoiler alert: the characters in my story don’t grow old in their time stall, but maybe I did put my own spin on that Futurama episode without realizing it?] The episode, called “Meanwhile,” aired on September 4, 2013, and my story “Standstill” came out on July 3, 2016. (I probably shouldn’t have released a story with a dying husband on my 24th anniversary!)

It’s possible that Futurama story subconsciously stuck in my head for three years. (It was a great episode, although “The Luck of the Fryrish” episode about Fry’s brother is my fave.) Or it’s possible one of the many other time-bending stories involving a watch inspired it. (For all I know, the Futurama episode was inspired by another story.)

This type of thing is rather common with writing. You can almost always read, see, or listen to something that makes you think of something else. (I once had someone tell me my second completed novel reminded them of the TV shows Twin Peaks crossed with Northern Exposure, even though I didn’t set out to mimic either show. Mine was just a surreal story about a murder in a very quirky small town in the Northwoods of Wisconsin that reminded someone of those shows. If anything had an influence on that particular book, it was Robert Olmstead’s, A Trail of Heart’s Blood Wherever We Go, even though they are very different things.)

* * *

Another thing that can happen when you write: you release a story that suddenly becomes topical through some news-worthy event.

The final story of this year’s Christmas episode features the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future tormenting a corrupt pharmaceutical CEO. As that character defends his greed, he blames things on health insurance companies denying claims for people’s struggles and woes.

And…The week it was released, a gunman killed the CEO of UnitedHealthcare. Suddenly, that scene in the story—and a healthcare CEO being tormented throughout—was even more topical.

Because this sometimes happens, I still released the story…but I did put a disclaimer right up front that it was written before that murder.

But there’s another little twist in my writing and that recent news story.

The characters in my first novel are going to the Grand Canyon to spread the ashes of the protagonist’s grandmother, a woman named June Mangione. And a younger, alternate version of June Mangione is the protagonist of the last novel I finished.

I shook my head when they caught the killer of UnitedHealthcare’s CEO and heard his name: Luigi Mangione.

While I still released the Christmas episode, were I submitting the last novel I finished, I really do think I’d change June’s last name. (And I still have days where I think, “Shorten the novel, rewrite the query to make it clear the protagonist can do real magic, and see what happens…” If I did, I’d definitely change her last name.)

* * *

I can think of many other instances where this kind of thing happened to me. Or even times an opportunity was passed by because a company was interested in what I pitched, but doing something similar.

In the spring of 2005, I was sent to Atlanta for two months (with a new job that told me mere weeks before in my interview that there’d be no travel). It was the time Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim Sunday lineup was getting really big. And because nothing other than recording and releasing Hell Comes with Wood Paneled Doors happened, I thought, “Pitch it to Adult Swim as a summer mini-series for 2006!”

It was a long shot, but why not, right?!

I was surprised when I heard from the person heading up Adult Swim while I was still out there. He said my story sounded great and…if they didn’t have something similar in the works, he’d have me in to pitch the series in person. (Which I thought was really cool!)

The similar show turned out to be “Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil,” which came out in October of the same year. It had virtually no similarities to Hell Comes With Wood Paneled Doors, but when you’re putting together a lineup of shows, even vague similarities (having Hell-based things in common), is too much.

* * *

I expect things like this to happen as long as I write and release stories. It’s entirely possible—even likely—for a handful of people to come up with very similar things, especially if dealing with topical ideas.

For all I know, right as I press publish on this behind-the-scenes look at this year’s Christmas story, someone else is releasing a podcast making the exact same points, completely independent of this one…

* * *

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.

Also, for as little as a dollar a month—and actually even free—you can have access to a bigger behind-the-scenes look at Not About Lumberjacks on Patreon. Check out patreon.com/cgronlund if that sounds like your kinda thing.

In March (but probably in February knowing me), it’s a story about a sleep technician who answers a random ad for somebody looking for an enemy.

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Intro music plays]

[Woman’s Voice]

This is Behind the Cut with Christopher Gronlund. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.

[Music fades out]

Christopher Gronlund:

Behind the Cut is an in-depth look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks and often contains spoilers from the most recent story. You’ve been warned…

* * *

As a child, I had a favorite kind of story: tall tales!

There was something about the larger-than-life characters doing things defying reality that appealed to me. Of the many tall tales I loved, the Story of John Henry was—and still is—my fave. I love the story and the song.

On the subject of songs, my sister and I had some Pete Seeger albums for kids. Of those, his version of Abiyoyo was a thing I could listen to on repeat.

I loved the ridiculousness of Pecos ‘Friggin’ Bill using a dang snake to lasso—and ride—a tornado!

And, of course, I loved stories about the lumberjack of all lumberjacks: Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, Babe.

* * *

I’ve always wanted to write a tall tale, but only until recently, actually have. I’ve definitely leaned into ridiculous things with not about lumberjacks: stories about people visiting fantastic worlds on the other sides of portals, a couple stories involving time travel, and even a story that starts out 100% true and morphs into a tale that ends up with a demon singing “Happy Birthday” to the guy who convinced me to start the Not About Lumberjacks Patreon!

With the most recent story—“The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart”—I finally have a tall tale to add to my writing collection.

Of course, a BIG story needs a BIG voice…

* * *

I’m terrible about asking for things. I’m terrible about accepting things as well. Once, a great-aunt who owned an art gallery in New York City offered to move me up from Texas, put me in an apartment she still had near Central Park (she and her sisters all lived on a farm in New Jersey after she shut down the gallery), and give me a free school ride.

When I told her, “I’m on academic probation,” she said, “Well, I’ve donated quite a bit to several schools on the coast…I’m sure if you promised to do well that they’d make an exception in your case…”

It was a huge, life-changing offer, to which I said, “Thank you, Aunt Catherine…but I can’t accept that…”

(And later, when people said I was nuts to turn down such an offer and to ask if it still stood, I didn’t ask. Because asking for things is my kryptonite, a thing I have a hard time doing, even though I’ll do anything for friends asking me for help where I can.)

So…”The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart” almost didn’t have the incredible narration of Dave Pettitt behind it.

* * *

You’ve likely heard Dave Pettitt’s voice. He’s narrated several unscripted reality series for Discovery—and voiced commercials for car companies, professional sports, and so many other things. (Example: my wife knew his voice from an episode of My Little Pony.)

Dave is a friend of a good friend. When “The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart” was taking shape, I heard his voice in my head. I even thought, “Hmm…I wonder if I can somehow afford Dave’s voice for this one,” told myself I couldn’t, and just kept writing…

* * *

There are two events in my life that make me a little better at asking for things: one is a decades-long friend and I chatting at lunch about how I have a hard time asking for help. This friend has a pile of the biggest art awards in his industries…it’s likely, if you’re into sci-fi or fantasy, that you’ve seen his work on book covers.

During our chat, he asked why I never asked him for any help. I said something to the effect of, “I wouldn’t want you to think I’m your friend only because you might help me.”

He laughed and said something along the lines of, “If that’s been your goal all along, you are terrible at playing the long game!” (We’ve been friends for over 30 years.)

The other event involved a person I knew through one of those corporate post-layoff, “Here’s a workshop to help you get through it,” things.

She wanted to do consulting work for her company where I was employed at the time, so she asked if I had some time to meet up and chat. She made it clear what she hoped would come of the conversation.

When our business was settled, we started chatting about other things. In the conversation, my seeming inability to ask for things came up.

She said: “When I asked you for help, what did you do?”

Me: “Helped you…”

Her: “Yes. And why did you help me?”

“Because you’re a cool person and I wanted to…”

Then she said, “Right. You—and so many others—are happy to help. And closer friends, even moreso! In fact, when you don’t ask for help, you’re actually denying others the chance to do something that feels good when they’re able to be the person helping another. You shouldn’t do that.”

And so: I asked a good friend if he knew how much Dave charged.

* * *

My friend had no idea, but said, “Hell, now I’m curious!Only one way to find out…”

I won’t disclose the rate we agreed on, but I’m glad I set aside Patreon money and that I finally asked.

I cannot imagine this story narrated by anyone but Dave!

* * *

Knowing all I know, I’m still terrible at asking for things.

It’s likely—were I more assertive—that more people would know my writing. (I have a fair amount of friends who are published writers whom I’ll likely never ask for help!)

So, in an effort at getting better at asking for help, I’m asking you: if you like Not About Lumberjacks, please share a favorite story or two this holiday season. It’s a great listen while traveling, cooking a big meal, or just getting away from crowds and relaxing.

Whatever your plans are over the next month or so, I hope they all go smoothly and leave you with fond memories…

As I always say at the end of these commentaries…

* * *

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.

Also, for as little as a dollar a month—and actually even free—you can have access to a bigger behind-the-scenes look at Not About Lumberjacks on Patreon. Check out patreon.com/cgronlund if that sounds like your kinda thing.

Next up is the annual Christmas episode! This time around, you get:

• A story about a summer school friendship set in 1985…
• A tale about the first human Mars landing and…the surprising thing the crew discovers…
• A story about two people attending the strange funeral of a coworker no one knew much about…
• And it all wraps up with a Christmas tale about three famous ghosts who change the way they do their annual Christmas hauntings…

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Sound of an ax chopping wood. Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

I want to make one thing perfectly clear: this show is not about lumberjacks…

My name is Christopher Gronlund, and this is where I share my stories. Sometimes the stories contain truths, but most of the time, they’re made up. Sometimes the stories are funny—other times they’re serious. But you have my word about one thing: I will never—EVER—share a story about lumberjacks.

It’s one of my favorite times of the year…time for the November anniversary episode of Not About Lumberjacks. And this year is extra special as the show enters its 10^th year! This time, it’s a tall tale about a girl raised on the frontier and coming of age in a time of lumberjacks. There might even be a legendary cameo in this one.

A couple things to get to before the story. First up: the usual content advisory…

Were “The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart” a movie, it would be rated PG. There’s some good-natured teasing and a non-descriptive death. What might put it into the PG realm instead of General Audiences is the mention of some woodland monsters. But this one’s a really light-hearted and fun tale.

The other thing before we begin is a bit about our narrator this time around.

Dave Pettitt not only has a ridiculously wonderful voice, but he has a voice you’ve likely heard. He’s done a wide range of commercial work, including the National Hockey League and the National Football League. Cartoons and video games? Yep, Dave’s done both. But he’s best known for the unscripted reality series, Discovery’s Highway Thru Hell—and somewhere near the other end of the spectrum – GPS audio tours for an app called Guide Along.

Dave splits his time between his home on Vancouver Island and Puerto Vallarta, Mexico – where he and his wife, Mindi, not only enjoy warmer weather, but also dedicate time to rescuing dogs.

They’re dang-good people!

You can check out this episode’s show notes to learn more about Dave and what he’s up to.

All right, let’s get to work!

* * *

The Legend of Mighty Missy Stewart

No one knows how Mighty Missy Stewart came to exist in the world, only that one day she was there. Some say she sprung fully formed from a magical acorn, while others claimed she was found in the center of the greatest tree in the Northwoods, freed from a long slumber in its heart on the day it was felled. Others say she was brought down by the glaciers forming the Great Lakes, deposited like a seed that grew strong and tall when they retreated. And one other tale insisted she crawled out of a bear den stretching all the way to the center of the earth, where she was forged in its metal core. The only thing for certain is somewhere in her infancy, she ended up in the company of Emma and Benjamin Stewart.

* * *

When the Stewarts headed west in search of a better life, they found what they were looking for in the Northwoods of Wisconsin: a wild, quiet place where they could build a cabin and raise a family. The cabin went up in a green grove beside a bright brook, but starting a family proved to be a greater challenge than settling the land. When home remedies didn’t work, Emma and Benjamin turned to prayer. When prayer didn’t work, they accepted a large family was simply not meant to be. Their love for each other would have to be enough, even though both knew it would never fill the hole in their hearts.

Then came the day that changed everything…

* * *

On his final hunting trip before winter’s full arrival—hoping to top off reserves in his smokehouse—Benjamin Stewart heard a sound that piqued his curiosity, but also chilled him to his bones: the giggling of an infant.

It was deeper in tone than it should have been—and what was a newborn doing out this deep in the timber anyway? Their nearest neighbor was a five-mile trek through dense woods and over frigid streams, and their children were long past infancy. He crept over the frosty bed of crisp leaves on the forest floor for a better look, eventually finding a spot behind the cover of a juniper bush. There, in a small grove, was a newborn babe the size of a toddler, dancing and cooing to an equally content badger the size of a black bear.

Benjamin wondered if it was a trick of the light or a matter of strange perspective. No infant could be so large, let alone already walking and hopping about as though they’d been ambulatory for years. She wore not a stitch of fabric or a bit of fur; nothing on her feet or atop her head. All morning, Benjamin had struggled to warm up, despite his many layers, and here was a baby jumping about as though it were summer. He stepped out from behind the juniper bush and said, “Hello…”

The giant infant and badger stopped their merry waltz and faced him. The sun broke through the canopy, illuminating the girl’s face. Something about her eyes told Benjamin she’d been there longer than him.

She giggled and approached.

The badger followed.

“Where are your parents?” he said.

The giant baby cooed again.

“Hello?!” Benjamin called, but no one answered. “Is anybody here?”

He took off his coat and draped it over the child’s wide shoulders.

“We need to get you somewhere warm. Do you want to come home with me?”

She nodded.

“Okay, then…”

Benjamin Stewart turned toward home, hoping the food he had in storage would be enough for Emma, him, and a new, hungry mouth. As he walked along with the child and her badger buddy, she reached up, took his hand in hers, and said, “Papa…”

* * *

Emma Stewart welcomed the child into their home with an open heart but was not as keen on the badger that arrived with her.

“Benjamin, we can’t allow a wild animal live in the cabin with us!”

“It’s not hurting anything,” he said, “and she seems attached to it.”

To Emma’s delight, the badger didn’t seem thrilled about sharing the tiny space with three humans. It dug a den beneath a tamarack tree at the side of the cabin in what seemed like a fair compromise to both the furry creature and the cabin’s main keeper.

* * *

Before long, the child’s curiosity and mobility became a curse. Her ability to climb was remarkable. She was often found perched on the ridge of the rooftop, or even higher up in the tallest of trees, where she would sway in the breeze, much to her parents’ horror.

When she wasn’t running about, swimming in rivers, or wrestling with Tamarack the badger, everything in the Stewart’s home was a source of interest.

“Me see! Me see!” she’d say any time Benjamin or Emma picked something up. “Me see! Me see!” and they would call out what it was that attracted her attention: “Spoon…Plate…Candle.”

“Me see! Me see!” all day long’ so frequently that they finally decided on a name for her: Missy.

It didn’t take long for Missy to leap from a constant barrage of “Me sees!” to speaking in full sentences. By the time she was five, she was already taller than her adoptive parents.

And oh, what an appetite she had, eating stacks of flapjacks and dozens of eggs for breakfast, and never slowing throughout the day.

“Benjamin,” Emma said, “I can’t keep up with her!”

“Nor I,” he said. “My days are spent just making sure she’s fed.”

* * *

As more people settled in the area, it was not uncommon for someone to appear at the door, stating they knew Missy meant no harm, but hurt their children while playing. Those who didn’t know her often mistook her for an adult—and Tamarack for a grizzly bear!

Between the efforts to keep her fed and the damage she seemed to cause to people and home, the 12-year-old left a letter for her parents one morning before they woke up.

Dear Mama and Papa,

I know I am a problem, and I am sorry for the harm I have caused. Just as you came to the Northwoods to find your own way, I must leave to find mine.

Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I love you both.

Missy

P.S. This is not goodbye.

* * *

Not even Missy knew how long she’d been around, no matter how hard she tried remembering. She believed it was the Stewart’s love that helped her grow and give her awareness, like a dandelion seed floating until finding a place to settle and sprout.

She and Tamarack traveled far and wide, hoping to find something triggering a memory of, “This is it! This is where I began!”

But years of wandering left her with more questions than answers.

Some evenings, she and Tamarack spent the night on the edges of new settlements, where Missy eavesdropped on elders sharing ancient stories around fires. In time, a new story found its footing: a tale about a wild woman of the woods and her pet bear. It was not until hearing another settlement share the story—with a giant badger instead of a bear as the woman’s companion—that she realized the stories were about her and Tamarack.

None of the things shared in the tales had happened: they never fought off monsters or had even seen one. Heck, Missy didn’t even know what a monster was until hearing about them in stories. It took several evenings for Tamarack to ease her nerves about that. And she definitely wielded no magic. Tamarack couldn’t shape-shift into other creatures like he did in stories. Why would they share such lies?

Missy came to understand that was how people warned each other to be cautious. “Do be careful, young ones,” would not suffice. “Go where you do not belong, or you are likely to be eaten by a luferlang,” carried more weight.

It tickled Missy to think that she and Tamarack were legends in their own time, more mysterious than genuinely threatening in the eyes of settlers.

* * *

As Missy neared adulthood, the biggest change yet came to the Northwoods: lumberjacks! Hearty men risking life and limb to stake a claim in the forests. Where they roamed, timbers fell; where they slept, trouble often followed. Brutish and brash, Missy’s encounters with them often left her stomach soured.

“I was taught to see the best in people, Tamarack, but these men thrive on fighting and harassment. I do wish there was something I could do to set them straight.”

She found what she was looking for one summer afternoon outside a new settlement. The sign read:

LUMBERJACK CONTEST
“WHO WILL WIN THE GOLDEN AXE?”
MIRROR LAKE CAMP
SATURDAY
SUN UP TO SUN DOWN

* * *

Missy and Tamarack followed the scent of campfire coffee to the lumber camp before sunrise on the day of the event. Competitors and spectators huddled around the cook tent, finishing towering plates of flapjacks, sausages, and eggs—and washing it all down with swigs of the bitter bean. As she made her way toward the group, the previous year’s Golden Axe winner—Big Bill Bagley—said, “What can we help you with, miss?”

“I’m here to sign up for the competition.”

“I’m sorry, but we don’t have a woman’s contest,” the big man said.

“I’m not looking to compete against other women,” Missy said. “I’m here to win the Golden Axe.”

The other competitors laughed, and Big Bill said, “How about that, fellas. She thinks she can keep up with us! Should we let her have a go?”

“Aww, what’s the harm?” a lithe, but sinewy jack said. “She’ll give up before finishing the first event!”

They all stopped laughing after Missy defeated them in the underhand cut.

Next, the seasoned lumbermen paired up for the sawing event. Missy’s only ally was Tamarack, and he would be no help on the other side of a crosscut saw.

“Looks like you’re out, miss,” Big Bill Bagley said.

“No, I’ll just have to do it on my own.”

The goal was simple: be the fastest team to cut two rounds out of a 4-foot white pine.

Big Bill sawed so rapidly that his partner, Emmett Sanders, could barely keep up. Down fell the first round, and when the Golden Axe legend looked up after racing through the second, he reveled in the applause. His excitement deflated when he realized the crowd was actually cheering for Missy, who’d cut four rounds on her own in the time it took the best team in the Northwoods to cut two.

Next up was the most dangerous contest: tree climbing. Surely, she stood no chance of topping a tree, but up she went—without as much as a rope or spurs. When she reached the 100-foot mark, she undid her belt, threw it around the trunk, and held onto both ends with her left hand. Her right hand was a blur as she cut loose the top of the tree and slid back down just as the others began chopping.

Finally came the settlers’ favorite event: the log-rolling competition. Missy and Big Bill Bagley breezed through the ranks with only the soles of their boots getting wet. Bill’s sure-footed skills were known all the way to Maine on one end of the country and out to the Pacific Northwest on the other. Even Canadians knew his name.

After Missy and Big Bill conquered all challengers, it was time to face off. They stepped onto the log and slowly walked it out.

“ONE…TWO…THREE, ROLL!” cried the camp foreman—and they were off.

Big Bill Bagley rolled this way and that, hoping to get a jump on Missy, who was as sure-footed as a mountain goat. He kicked water in her face and rocked her end up and down, but her balance was unshaken. Big Bill worked himself into a frenzy, doing every trick he knew…even coming up with some in the moment. He looked ready to cry foul when Missy began hopping on one foot and smiling. No matter what he tried, he could not break her.

When Big Bill neared exhaustion, Missy said, “How do you want to end this? Keep going until you can stand no more, or shall I show you mercy and put you in the drink?”

His anger became a second wind. He tried everything he’d already tried, but faster. When his face grew redder than his flannel and he could barely hold a breath, Big Bill Bagley stood on the far end of the log and smiled. He spread his arms wide and fell back into the cool waters of Mirror Lake, admitting defeat.

Missy did a backflip off the log, shook Big Bill Bagley’s hand, and helped the exhausted lumberjack to the shore.

“This ain’t easy for me,” he said before the amazed crowd. “Nobody’s ever bested me at one task, let alone them all. You have my respect, ma’am.”

He stepped to the stump holding the Golden Axe, pulled it free, and handed it to Missy.

“You take care of that, now, ‘cause I plan to reclaim it next year…”

* * *

In the years that followed, the Northwoods remained a wild and mysterious place—but as more settlements sprang up, nature and man frequently clashed. As more timber was cut, animals that once fled deeper into the timber could hide no more. Where paths crossed, injuries—and even deaths—occurred. And when men took more, they unearthed creatures of legend.

Lumberjacks went missing, the victims of hidebehinds and river serpents. Some said woodland spirits drove a lumber camp so mad that when the spring thaw came and trade resumed, there was nothing left but bones. Something needed to be done, and Missy and Tamarack took it upon themselves to help the region find common ground.

She went to the heads of lumber companies and mills, explaining the problems would worsen if they didn’t cut and harvest with care. If Missy was waved off, she knew how to play to those in charge.

“You have more than enough already,” she’d say. “Can you not set aside some of your land to remain protected? Do that, and your name will live on forever. But cut it all down, and you will be forgotten—or hated. Think about your name associated with parks people will come from coasts to see…”

Tamarack did his part, too, speaking the common language all forest creatures share. Letting his furry, feathered, and even scaled brethren know Missy was doing all she could to convince the intruders to care more for their homes.

Their efforts paid off, and where they did not, they let nature have her final say through violent storms, extreme temperatures, and raging fires.

* * *

On what Missy estimated to be her eighteenth birthday, she finally returned home. While she still frolicked and wrestled with Tamarack to keep her strength up, she had shed the clumsiness of her youth as she grew into her full eight feet of height. She could be poised and proper when the need arose, but always preferred a more rough and tumble way of living.

She barely recognized the area she left six years prior—the tiny grove had become a full settlement. She smiled when she saw the sign where the Big Bates River split off into the Little Bates River:

STEWARTSVILLE
POPULATION: 378
(AND GROWING)

Emma Stewart saw her daughter first. Her mouth opened wide in surprise. Without looking away, she reached back and tugged on her husband’s shirt.

“Missy…” he whispered.

The Stewarts crossed the distance between them faster than Missy, who scooped them both up in a grand hug.

“I told you it wasn’t goodbye…”

* * *

Missy shared six years of adventures with Emma and Benjamin, and they shared how the settlement grew until needing a name. Stewartsville was the unanimous winner, with Benjamin their reluctant leader.

In the years that followed, Missy and Tamarack continued being ambassadors of the Northwoods—and helping the township grow responsibly. It was nice being a fixture in one place again, with a loving family and plenty of friends.

All was well in the Northwoods, until that fateful day…

* * *

The residents of Stewartsville gathered on the north side of the village with picnic lunches to watch the spring log run. It was quite the spectacle, watching men racing down the Big Bates River on cut and cleaned timber, making their way south to the mills below the Northwoods. Such a grand time, until a run of logs broke free from the control of the seasoned lumbermen, toppling the temporary dam on the Little Bates River used to divert additional flow its bigger brother’s way.

When the Little Bates River couldn’t carry the load of timber rushing down, a log jam formed south of Stewartsville and quickly backed up. Despite the best efforts of the skilled river pigs running the logs, the area where the rivers split was overrun. As water diverted to the sides of the jam, more logs came rushing down. By early evening, Stewartsville was surrounded by a growing pile of logs—and ever-deepening waters too dangerous to cross.

Missy’s best efforts with the old heave-ho bore no results—there were just too many logs. Not even dynamite could break things free. As the jam grew wider, Benjamin predicted they had a week before the snow melt up north brought even more and they’d all be taken by flood waters or crushed among the shifting logs.

That’s when Missy had an idea…

* * *

The legend of Paul Bunyan was known coast to coast—a man so colossal that his reputation spanned oceans. Some said he was seven feet tall with a seven-foot stride, while others claimed he was a bona fide giant, with a chest rising high above the canopy of the tallest trees in the Northwoods. Missy speculated the truth lied somewhere in between. She also believed, if anyone could help clear the log jam, it was Mr. Bunyan and his mighty blue ox, Babe.

She told her parents the plan.

“Do be careful,” Emma Stewart said. “I worry about you.”

Missy bent down and hugged her mother. Benjamin was more practical.

“You should find him if you go straight on to Duluth and hang a right.”

“I will, Papa,” she said while kissing him on his forehead. “This is not goodbye.”

She hopped onto Tamarack’s back and held tight. The badger’s claws found purchase on the teetering timbers, and they raced off into the dark.

* * *

Between running alongside Tamarack—and sometimes riding on his back when she needed rest—they made it to Duluth in two days. It took another day to reach Paul Bunyan.

She saw him from a distance, standing on a bluff overlooking Lake Superior where the Big Onion River emptied into a body of water that may as well have been an ocean. Standing at his side, his massive blue ox, Babe. Missy tried guessing his height as she and Tamarack approached, eventually catching his attention as they climbed a hill on the backside of the bluff.

“Good eve to thee, friend! And…badger.”

“Hello!” Missy said. By the time she reached him, she guessed Paul Bunyan was 20-feet tall, with Babe standing at his shoulders.

“What can I do for you, ma’am?” the giant man said.

Missy shared the tale of Stewartsville’s troubles.

“I see.” Paul Bunyan looked across the lake below them and said, “Sounds like some got greedy and have cut more than they should. So, yes: I will help you. We’ll leave at first light.”

* * *

Cheers went up in Stewartsville when Bunyan’s head rose above the pile of logs and rising waters threatening to consume the settlement in a day’s time. Bunyan’s and Babe’s thundering footsteps echoed through the Northwoods. When he reached the log jam, Bunyan crossed as though it were level terrain. Tamarack skittered across timbers behind him, carrying Missy home. Not as sure-footed as the legendary giant or the massive badger, Babe waited on solid ground.

“You’re right—this is a fine mess,” Paul Bunyan said to Missy when they reached the settlement.

He filled his lungs and stretched to his full height.

“Good people of Stewartsville, your friend traveled far and put herself at great risk to find me. First, I must apologize for the eagerness of my fellow loggers. We should never cut more than we can manage. What’s been done cannot be changed, but I believe in my big heart that we can make things right again. Missy told me what happened, and we had plenty of time on our journey to come up with a plan.

“I’ll need the strongest among you to help Missy build a wedge of timbers north of town. When this all breaks, it’s going to be a monumental force you’ll remember for all your days. The wedge will keep Stewartsville safe. I’ll need a crew to dig a slope along the eastern edge of this island to make sure the water flows down the Big Bates River. And I’ll need the bravest among you to loosen the jam where the Big Bates splits. There will be plenty of time to manually remove what’s backed up on the little side, but to save the town, we need to drive the flow south. Babe will pull on the jam downstream and I will push from the north.”

Crews jumped to work, and by late afternoon, it was time to see how the plan worked out.

Bunyan’s mighty voice echoed through the Northwoods as he gave a hearty, “Push…pull! Push…pull!”

It sounded like a forest being dropped from the heavens when the log jam budged and finally broke loose from its own tangle. Water rushed south like a raging waterfall. Over the roar and cheering, Bunyan’s calls and Babe’s bellows echoed in Missy’s chest. The plan had worked!

Too well…

The entire jam broke free all at once, rather than in stages as planned. It ricocheted off the wedge Missy and others built on the north end of Stewartsville with such ferocity that it began to give.

“Hurry!” Missy shouted. The strongest of the lumbermen raced to the wall to help her hold the river’s fury back, but it was too much. They sought shelter with others on the south end of town.

With each surge of water and wood, Missy pushed back with equal force…until she could no longer hold back the barrage. Her legs trembled and her arms and shoulders burned. With her final effort, she gave all she had left, saving Stewartsville in the process. But the wedge—and Missy—tumbled into the Big Bates River. She tried leaping timber to timber but lost her footing. It didn’t matter how strong a swimmer she was against such an onslaught—it was a losing battle.

Just before being pulled under by the tail-end of the log jam, she looked to her parents on the shore and shouted, “This is not goodbye!”

She was never seen again…

* * *

No one knows for certain what happened to Mighty Missy Stewart following that fateful afternoon. Some say she was placed here by divine hands to save the people she loved and then called home. Others say her spirit roams the Northwoods, protecting all beasts, plants, and people. And still, others say she crawled back into the bear den from which she arrived, returning to the earth’s core to slumber until needed again.

The timbers from the Little Bates River still heat homes a century later—and will likely continue for centuries more. And late at night, on the coldest nights of winter, the old ones share stories about Mighty Missy Stewart, Tamarack, and their adventures by the glow of those fires.

One thing is for certain: as long as there are storytellers and willing ears, this is not goodbye…

[Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks.

Theme music, as always, is by Ergo Phizmiz. Story music this time was by Sandra Marteleur, Horna Spelmän, and traditional tunes, all licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Sound effects are made in-house or from Epidemic Sound and freesound.org. And this time around, I even used some woody sounds from Bluezone Corporation, who make some great noises when I don’t have time to do so myself. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the show, the voice talent, and the music. Also, for as little as a dollar a month (or even free), you can support the show at patreon.com/cgronlund.

In December, it’s the annual Christmas episode. Santa’s bringing you four stories this year:

The first takes us back to summer school in the 1980s. After that, we go to Mars and attend a very strange funeral. And it’s all anchored by a Christmas tale featuring three famous ghosts who have grown tougher—and meaner—over the years.

[Quirky music fades out…]

[The sound of an axe chopping.]

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Intro music plays]

[Woman’s Voice]

This is Behind the Cut with Christopher Gronlund. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.

[Music fades out]

Christopher Gronlund:

Behind the Cut is an in-depth look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks and often contains spoilers from the most recent story. You’ve been warned…

* * *

“Overwinter” was the right story at the right time for me…and, it seems, others as well.

I’ve been dealing with a health issue, and I just didn’t feel up to working on a story requiring a lot more thought and sound design. But I also didn’t want to skip two stories in a row. (I’m skipping September’s story this year to focus on health. [And, just so you know, the health thing is looking better than expected, so that’s great!]) I decided on a quiet story I knew I could finish during all I’ve been dealing with.

“Overwinter” has been a story I’ve thought about for some time. Initially, it was about a lighthouse keeper, but then I saw a 14-minute video about Alexandra de Steiguer, the winter keeper of The Oceanic Hotel on Star Island off the New Hampshire coast. It touched on the story I saw in my head.

So, the switch from a lighthouse to a hotel was inspired by her. What was going to be a celebration of solitude in a lighthouse changed to a bigger celebration of solitude on a larger island and bigger space.

(I also follow a firewatch who goes by FollowMyLeap on YouTube, and he often talks about the joy of being isolated and alone as well.)

* * *

I expected “Overwinter” to be between three and four thousand words, but once I had a timeline and started writing, focusing on each month meant it would be a longer story. None of it was particularly planned. I had some notes jotted down about an artist in a lighthouse, but much of this tale was created in the moment.

It’s no secret that I like solitude, but it would be a big mistake to take all of Daniel’s feelings about being alone as mine. Still, many of my feelings about social interactions (for example: going quiet around four or more people)—that’s totally me. Also: I did write much of this story with specific people in mind.

First, my wife Cynthia…who prefers not being social because of all the expectations and stresses that come with it. My wife is an introvert’s introvert, someone who doesn’t have the social battery most introverts seem to have, where they do go out, but only have so much to give. Even that’s too much for her.

There are also thoughts about art—again, written for my wife, our friend Julia Lundman, and soooooooo many artists who are expected to perform for attention, made worse by things like Internet trolls, AI images, and other struggles that come with creating art in such a connected world.

My friends Deacon and Erin are in this one as well, people who are content pondering things more than always just being on the go. And there’s a part about the “ghost” of an old boxer, totally written for my friend John. John just comes up with the greatest creative tangents on social media, sometimes creating personas and thoughts on the fly that seem so real. So that’s a nod to him.

But mostly, I wanted a story in which the introverts had their silent say—something for people who find even the company of other introverts absolutely exhausting.

* * *

There are also a lot of things I didn’t do with “Overwinter.” I still wanted that lighthouse—I even considered, “Well, maybe there’s a lighthouse in Daniel’s view, and he can paddle out to it in a kayak found on the property. Would he find someone there? Or…would he end up stranded for days, caught in a storm without proper preparations and realize he was lucky to survive?”

I even thought about someone coming out to the hotel and being surprised by Daniel’s presence—and Daniel by theirs. What would happen with such an encounter? Would they occupy the space together, or would Daniel send them off?”

And, of course, I thought about making it creepy. Maybe something otherworldly was out there, something always on the outside of Daniel’s senses that left him constantly on edge. Or just some straight up horror he had to overcome to survive.

There was even a scene I started, but quickly dropped: a bit in March in which Daniel went to the small cemetery on the island—on the anniversary of his twin brother’s death when they were in their late teens/early 20s—and talked to an unmarked stone.

That’s what I liked most about writing this story: while I usually do just write what comes to mind, most of my stories develop more of a plot than simply existing on an island for five months. I might begin with little idea where I’m going, but plotting and structure usually becomes clear and demands attention pretty early in the process.

With “Overwinter,” there was nothing I had to do, other than to get Daniel on and off an island in the Atlantic Ocean.

* * *

I see “Overwinter” as a bit of a companion piece to another Not About Lumberjacks story: “Revisions.” In that one, a woman struggles to write her second novel while also trying to finish construction on her dead mother’s house that was not completed before her passing.

I love quiet stories, things where structure doesn’t dictate progress. My favorite book is Robert Olmstead’s A Trail of Heart’s Blood Wherever We Go, and I tell most people, “You probably won’t like it,” if they say they plan to read it. Things do happen in the book, but it’s largely about a small town in New Hampshire and a friendship between two very different people. No hitting expected beats—just damn good writing and a strange coziness to me.

Nothing big needed to happen in “Overwinter,” and that’s what I love about the story.

* * *

I like stories that don’t follow typical formulas or always conform to expected beats and shapes.

In his 2021 Book, Craft in the Real World, Matthew Salesses makes a great argument about the Western literary canon shunning so many great works that don’t meet certain expectations.

He says: “We still talk about plot the way Aristotle wrote about it over two thousand years ago, when he argued that plot should be driven by character.”

But in Japan, stories deemed “plotless” by some are not uncommon, tales in which a person exists in a moment of time, just going through life with no huge goals or revelations. In other parts of Asia, a 4-act structure is more typical than the Western 3 or 5 act so-called “rules.” And African literature has often been criticized as not having well-rounded characters because sometimes the focus deviates from the protagonist’s journey, which is usually centered in Western literature: one man against the world!

Not everything needs to conform to expected standards—especially when those standards are often created by those with far more agency than others.

* * *

The world is a noisy place, and I’d argue we’d all do well to embrace slower stories. It’s clear we crave a slower pace, with people talking about getting out and touching grass or just stopping to catch their breath; the need for self-care or cozy time inside instead of social obligations.

The expectation to always be connected and on the go is reflected in much of our entertainment. People apologize for writing long posts on social media, even though “long” to them is a short paragraph instead of one of two quick lines. It’s people seeking “quick reads,” and fast content. People half-reading short articles and then rushing off to have a quick say.

At the same time, there’s a huge market for slow video games, things far more soothing than thrilling. A return to curating a play list or even buying vinyl albums again and losing oneself in music for the sake of music. And even the occasional bigger, slower novel pulling people in.

* * *

Right now, I needed to write a story like “Overwinter.”

I needed something slow and quiet in my life.

And from the feedback I’ve received from others, it seems I was not alone…

* * *

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.

Also, for as little as a dollar a month—and actually even free—you can have access to a bigger behind-the-scenes look at Not About Lumberjacks on Patreon. Check out patreon.com/cgronlund if that sounds like your kinda thing.

In November, the show enters its 10^th season with the most not Not About Lumberjacks story of the year!

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Sound of an ax chopping wood. Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

I want to make one thing perfectly clear: this show is not about lumberjacks…

My name is Christopher Gronlund, and this is where I share my stories. Sometimes the stories contain truths, but most of the time, they’re made up. Sometimes the stories are funny—other times they’re serious. But you have my word about one thing: I will never—EVER—share a story about lumberjacks.

This time, it’s a story about an overwinter watch alone in a hotel on a small island off the Maine coast. That might sound like a familiar horror story, but it’s actually a quiet celebration of solitude. I’ll mention why my plans changed in a moment, but first, onto the usual content advisory…

“Overwinter” deals with a job change, longing, solitude vs. loneliness, and does contain a couple words you’ve probably heard on TV or at work this week. There are also a couple scenes with moderate consumption of alcohol.

So, why the change from the planned story that was scheduled for July?

Right now, I’m dealing with a little health issue. It’s not too serious (at least there’s no indication it’s really serious), but I’m dealing with tests, resting, and other stuff as we figure things out. It’s something that’s likely been happening for decades but gotten worse.

Working on a very involved story with detailed sound design was quite an undertaking right now—and I don’t want the story to suffer, just to get it out.

My plan right now is to skip September’s story and focus on my health, November’s anniversary story, and this calendar year’s Christmas story. I already have a couple of the shorter short stories ready for the Christmas episode (and one of them, I love soooooooo much!), and November’s anniversary tale is shaping up to be a lot of fun.

All right—enough of that! Let’s get to work!

OVERWINTER

NOVEMBER

I wake with the sun and fall to sleep shortly after dark, lulled by the hammering of waves against ancient stones. The flickering of a coal-burning stove turns from an orange to red glow against the wall in the room where I sleep. I’m usually deep into dreams by the time it all goes dark.

It was a well-timed proposition from my friend, David: “Do you want five months alone to focus on art?”

Recently laid off from a 15-year run at a video game company designing characters and environments for games you’ve likely played (or seen your kids or nieces or nephews play), I planned to leave soon anyway. It was a good job, but not the art I most wanted to create. So, David—the overwinter caretaker of Valmorne Hotel and Conference Center off the Maine coast—recommended me as the ideal replacement for him as he stepped away to care for his ailing father.

“What would I do?” I said.

“They drop you off on November first and pick you up on April Fool’s Day. There’s some maintenance checklists and other little tasks, but it’s nothing major. You’re basically out there making sure no one messes with the property—not that someone’s likely to head out in winter seas to vandalize the place.”

“Is it safe?”

“Safer than the mainland. No one’s gonna be distracted by a text message while driving and plow into you with their SUV. No crime or all the other ways to get hurt, here. Granted, if something happens, you’re probably screwed if you can’t send an alert. But I feel far safer out there than here.”

I always thought about what I’d do with nothing but time, all the drawing and painting I could get to and finish. A life where I woke up each day with one simple goal: make the things I most want to make. What it would be like to step away from the constant rush of days and slow down. This was the chance to give it a try with an end date if it turned out to not be all I imagined and hoped.

“Sure, I’ll do it,” I said.

* * *

Thirteen-Mile Island sounds like the title of a horror movie—some Shining knockoff, but in the Atlantic Ocean. That’s where I was going for five months, 36 acres of rocky land 13 miles out from the Maine coastline.

I arrived at the dock early, looking for the lobster boat that would take me to the island. The captain, a sea-weathered man in his 60s named Einar, waved and called to me: “Daniel! Here!”

I wondered how he knew it was me, but I was the only one struggling to drag a folding hand cart full of clothing, art supplies, and other items I felt I needed to get through the next five months with any semblance of sanity. Food was provided, but I still packed a box full of camping meals, jerky, and other compact, shelf-stable foods—just in case. When I reached the boat, I shook Einar’s coarse hand and waited to be invited aboard. He helped me with my gear and said, “Ready?”

“As much as I’ll ever be, I suppose.”

“Eh, if Davy can make it out here, you can, too.”

I thought about how much David hated being called Davy, but Einar was big enough that I’d let “Danny” slide if that’s what he decided to call me. I stood on the closed side of the cabin in the small boat, watching the Maine coast fade away behind us. Several miles out, we turned southeast. I expected lighthouses and summer mansions on small islands, but it was one rugged chunk of rock after another until reaching open water. It settled in how alone I would be. With no reliable cell service, a radio and emergency satellite beacon would be my only line to others. I struck up a conversation with Einar, just to enjoy my last hours of companionship.

“Have you ever spent much time on the island?” I said.

“Naw. My sister runs the hotel and conference center. I just take people back and forth. Got a 65-foot ferry that holds 149 passengers. My summers are all about sightseeing tours and shuttling people around the islands. I started out fishing, though. I kept this old boat ‘cause I love it.”

“Do you still fish?”

“A bit in late summer and into fall. Mostly just for me and friends. Not so easy to make a living that way today.”

I kept asking questions, and Einar continued answering them until an island came into view.

“There you are,” he said.

I waited for it to get bigger. Surely, that wasn’t all there was? For some reason, I thought 36 acres would be more sizable. But that was it: a classic, sprawling New England hotel taking up most of the rocky island, overlooking the ocean from the edge of a high cliff. I was relieved to see more land behind the building as we circled around. The eastern side had been eroded to sea level over millennia, where Einar moored his lobster boat to the dock and helped me drag my gear up the walkway to the back of the regal building.

He gave me a crash course in the island’s solar panels, diesel generator, coal-burning stoves, water systems, personal emergency beacon, and the radio.

“You’ve got books you’ll need to read so you can learn more about everything, but that’s the gist of it all.”

Among the books was a checklist of tasks: daily chores, weekly maintenance, and monthly schedules.

And then Einar said it: “If you need me or have to call for help, you’ve got the radio and beacon. I’ll see you at the end of the month with a resupply.”

I walked him to his lobster boat and ran along the edges of the island as he headed back toward the mainland, being careful not to trip and fall as the west side of the island climbed higher. At the edge of the cliff, I watched the boat get smaller as it neared the horizon. When it disappeared, I realized just how alone I was.

* * *

I settled into a routine quickly, my schedule dictated by nature and not the clock. Time was morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Now, as I near the end of my third week, I’ve come to appreciate the solitude that, at first, I found unsettling. Every noise had me calling, “Hello?” expecting to see a person hiding in the building, or some creature summoned by my imagination. Had David somehow come to the island to mess with me? But I quickly came to know all the creaking, popping, and shifting of the old keeper’s house. How wind pushing against the hotel as I made my rounds ricocheted through empty hallways, sounding like a small group of intruders. I’ve come to find this life in shadows soothing, the way gray light from outside gets in, but not deep enough to fully illuminate rooms and show me everything inside.

That’s become my favorite aspect of the job, no longer fearing those things just beyond my senses. It’s like standing on the rocks as the sea rolls in, watching roiling waters receding into the fog and mist 50 yards out. Beyond that dreary veil, anything can be happening, but I know whatever it brings comes with no malice or threat to me.

Other days, the gray cannot contain the sunlight above, breaking through clouds like fingers trying to scoop up the ocean. Grey and foamy water turns a brilliant blue where the beams of light hit; seagulls flit about like papers on a breeze. I love the way the low sun, blocked by rocks in the late afternoon, breaks above stone walls and illuminates the old white buildings up high. The ever-present sound of the Atlantic Ocean slamming like a heartbeat against ancient stones.

I understand why David chose me of all his friends to fill in. Even when the winds blow hard and bang against windows and shutters like a venerable god demanding entry, I’ve found a sense of solace. And there, in that stillness, I spend my days.

* * *

I wasted no time setting up a makeshift art studio in a north-facing conference room in the hotel. Tall windows let in diffused light, even on the murkiest of days. On sunny days, a consistent glow fills the space, but it’s never too bright. David didn’t lie: despite my daily tasks, time is mostly mine. I spend my days sketching and taking reference photos of the island, thankful for digital cameras. Were I to do this again, though, I’d set up a space to develop film and leave the island not only with full sketchbooks and finished paintings, but a portfolio packed with black and white photos capturing this monochrome realm.

This has been the dream for as long as I can remember: time in my hands, dedicated to the art I most want to do. It’s not that I hated designing characters and environments for video games, but as the industry grew, so did the weight of deadlines. Rough sketches were handed to the next artist on what became an assembly line. I watched younger people coming in, their eyes wide, having finally attained their dream, only to discover an industry had stripped it of joy and made it a stressful job like any other.

On the island, I bring old sketches to life on canvases and panel board. I find scrap lumber, savoring the time and effort to sand, seal, and prime it for painting. There’s something about painting views of 13-Mile Island on pieces of wood that have been here longer than I’ve been alive. The canvases I brought with me are reserved for the bigger ideas I’ve carried with me for years, but never had time to get to. Already, I’m thinking about how I can convince David he’s done tending to the island and these old buildings—or wondering which other island properties are in need an overwinter caretaker.

* * *

It’s Thanksgiving today—almost one full month on the island. I’ve never been the biggest fan of holidays, with their many expectations often growing more stressful than enjoyable. No relaxing time away from work, just hurried schedules and so many people to see, some of whom you’d rather avoid. All made worse if you have to travel. I’ve never needed others around me to be happy. I find crowds aggravating. The rush of November through the new year is an utterly exhausting time.

Here, there’s no bevy of dinner sides to be arranged, no giant bird to be cooked all day. No lengthy cleanup or racist uncles all-but-shitting on the table as they force politics into the discussion, despite everyone agreeing to get along and keep those topics to themselves. Not even the occasional courteous acceptance to friends inviting me to their feasts, where if I’m not the first to bow out, I’m quick to react and follow when another loner announces their departure. This Thanksgiving, it’s a turkey chili camping dinner, eaten directly from the package while looking out the kitchen window at the murky Atlantic.

It’s the best holiday I’ve ever celebrated.

* * *

Einar arrives on the last day of the month, right on schedule. I expected to overwhelm him with chatter—the first person I’d seen in a month—but we say little during our exchange. I give him finished paintings he promises to keep safe, and he gives me more supplies. He helps me bring food and other essentials into the keeper’s house. Before he leaves, I take a photo of him in the standing cabin of his lobster boat. He asks why, and I tell him he’ll see during the next resupply.

This time, when he leaves, I don’t run to the cliffs and watch his boat disappear. This time, I stand on the rocks and watch the waves advance and retreat against old stones.

DECEMBER

In the first week of December, the kind of storm David warned me about arrives. November was not without its gales, but this storm is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Even with windows shuttered, I can feel air rushing across the cold floor. It sounds like the winds got a running start in Europe and gained speed with each westward mile. Oddly, I’m not as frightened as I thought I’d be.

These old buildings were here before I existed, and they’ll be here long after I’m gone. I spend the night amazed by how safe I feel on the island, instead of considering how dangerous the storm outside might be. There’s nothing to fear out here—no ghosts or other imaginary things. No archaic horrors rising from deep waters to wrap me in tentacles, no shape-shifting creatures or ghouls that only come out at night. The only thing to fear is an accident of my own devising: getting too close to the edge of a cliff and falling or being foolish enough to leap into strong waters and be carried away.

In the days following the storm, I spend my time boarding up broken windows. I log them in my book of tasks for the spring maintenance crew to fix when they arrive in April. I mop up water to ensure nothing turns to mold on my watch. I have survived the worst nature is likely to throw at the island during my stay. As long as I have food, water, and warmth, I am protected and safe.

* * *

The next big storm brings with it snow. As a child, I struggled to stay awake in anticipation of the first flakes of the season. I still do that today. I turn the radio up, hoping its volume and reports about the storm’s progress keeps me awake, but I’m lulled to sleep by a growing wind. When I awake, the island is a different place.

The ever-sound of the ocean is a thing I can never escape, here—even when I’ve ventured into the hotel’s cellars. This morning, I realize just how much this rocky chunk of land amplifies every sound thrown against it. Usually, bird calls echo off stone; winds whirl in crevices, sounding like demons climbing up from hell. Now, these sounds are muted. The island glows white against the gloom of the gray skies. I bundle up, grab my camera and sketchbook, and head out.

It’s a wet snow, the kind that sticks to everything. Gulls and Canada geese huddle among their flocks on the leeward side of drifts, seemingly immune to the cold wind. It’s like walking through a black and white movie. Here, the beauty is lasting, immune from the mainland’s unsightly turn where a pristine layer of snow becomes hard and blackened by car exhaust and the dirt of society. It remains pristine for weeks.

Back inside, I drag my space heater to my make-shift studio in the hotel, standing in a bubble of warmth as I look out the window and spend the day working on a painting of the island’s first snow of the season.

* * *

I thought the hardest thing about being the overwinter caretaker of this property would be not having reliable cell service or an Internet connection. It was a difficult habit to break that first week, instinctively grabbing my phone and opening apps that did nothing. When I would get the rare single bar on my phone, checking social media or email took so long—and often dropped before the connection faded—that it wasn’t worth my time. It struck me how sad that initial desperation was, like huddling beside a burning piece of paper to get warm. How quickly it was out, and I was left cold.

While I had friends as a child, I spent more time playing alone. My parents let me do what I wanted, content to not have to spend their energy on me after days at work or during restful weekends. As long as they knew where I was, I could stay out as late as I wanted. Perhaps that’s why this job doesn’t bother me—I’ve been wiring myself for this all my life. I enjoy my time among friends, but I’m often overwhelmed by the energy of it all once a crowd grows beyond a couple people. More than four others, and I become an observer—content to be among people I’ve chosen to love, but not taking an active part in conversations and actions.

Here on the island, my phone serves as a tiny library full of books I’ve meant to read, but never made time for. Gone is my urge to jump online and see what friends are eating and doing. There are no people posting opposing news articles on social media like chess pieces in efforts to prove their points to people unlikely to listen. And I definitely don’t miss the desperation of sharing my art online and being ignored.

David once said right now is the best time in history to be creative, but the worst time to be seen. So much competition—and each year, it gets worse. Today, it’s not enough to stand out among other great artists, but also those who are loud and know how to pull attention their way. It’s days and weeks put into my paintings against people typing a couple sentences into an AI application and letting it churn out images based on the art of others. Today, some media savvy person with no actual skills or talent can generate fake images of their “studio,” churn out images they didn’t really create, and come up with a persona that gets more attention than me and my best efforts.

Everything today seems to be fabricated for show and views. People share sketchbooks online that are anything but—conceptualized works full of completed paintings with not a sketch among the pages. Perfect, clean workspaces where paint has never been splattered or spilled. Canvas reveals on mountaintops or in meadows during the golden hour, with a daylight-balanced spotlight on the art so it stands out like a sunbeam. It’s not enough to be good at what you do; you have to be a one-person marketing team more focused on attention than craft. I understand those who quit or step away from it all to do art only for themselves.

On 13-Mile Island, none of that matters. Out here, it’s just me, nature, time—and what I do with it all.

* * *

Another impressive snow arrives on Christmas Eve; this time, covering the island in powdery mounds I wasn’t sure the moisture of the ocean would allow. On Christmas morning, I cook a large breakfast and think about how peaceful the holidays have been: a Thanksgiving with no air travel, noise, or hours of cleanup. No Christmas gifts I don’t need or have room for. No rush of shopping and all that waste.

How did we get from a time when receiving something as simple as an orange in the dead of winter seemed like a miracle to where we are now? An explosion of oils as you peel away the skin and savor a taste of sweet sunlight as the season turns to ice. Instead, we show our love to others by overspending and overeating.

In the evening, after finishing leftovers from breakfast, I pull a packaged Christmas pudding I brought along from a cabinet. I unwrap it and flip it over, onto a plate. In a small saucepan, I combine a little butter with a splash of brandy from a small bottle I’ve left unopened in anticipation of this night. I drizzle it over the dessert and cut a slice, savoring candied fruit and citrus mixed with spices. I understand why some people don’t enjoy fruitcakes and puddings, but when prepared well, they are sublime.

This gift to myself will last for days.

* * *

On New Year’s Eve day, Einar arrives with my resupply. After helping me get everything inside, he hands me a wrapped box.

“A belated Christmas gift,” he says.

I peel away the paper, revealing a bottle of scotch—Ardbeg 10 year.

“It’s a good drink for life out here,” Einar says. “You may hate it. Hell, I don’t even know if you drink.”

“Not a lot,”I say, “but I brought some brandy with me for Christmas. I’ve never had this, though, so thank you.”

“You’re welcome. You’ll either love it or hate it.”

I laugh and say, “I have something for you as well.”

“I don’t need anything,” he says.

“I know. But I think you’ll like it.”

I retreat to the bedroom and come back to the kitchen of the keeper’s house with a flat gift wrapped in butcher paper from the hotel kitchen. Einar shakes it in jest and says, “Sounds like a painting.”

He unwraps it and sets it on a chair, stepping back for a better look. I expected a solemn, “Well how ‘bout that?” but he stares at the canvas and says nothing. I wonder if I’ve offended him, until his eyes get glassy as he looks at a painting of himself in the cabin of his lobster boat.

He smiles and nods. “I have a photo from the year I bought that boat. I’m a young man, with no idea about all before me: a career on the water, a wife who’s stood by me for decades. Two children, a daughter and a son. Some days when the fishing is bad and I’m alone on the water, I wonder about other lives I might have lived. Some mornings, I stand before the mirror and see an old man with a face as craggy as these rocky islands.

“My wife blew up the old photo of me and my boat for our 40th anniversary. I have a little room in the house now that the kids are on their own, a place where I can scheme and read. The photo hangs in that room. And now, directly across from it, I’ll hang this painting so I can always remember that the life I’ve chosen is the right one for me.”

Einar gives me a hug and says, “I can’t thank you enough, my friend.”

* * *

On New Year’s Eve, I open the bottle of scotch Einar gave me. I see what he meant by, “It’s a good drink for life out here.” It smells like the island, briny and pungent. Then comes a smell of smoke over its seaweedy aroma. Just as I begin considering this is a drink best taken on a dare, a sweet scent that’s almost bread-like fills the room. Buttery. I pour the oily liquid into a coffee mug and swirl it around. It’s not as overbearing as my initial whiff, although the first sip makes itself known all the way down to my toes. I give it a moment and take another…and then another. Einar was also right about this being a drink you either love or hate. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever tasted, and I love it.

I’ve never been much of a drinker and, because of that, it doesn’t take much for me to feel the results. My cheeks and ears get warm, knowing if I looked at myself in a mirror, they’d be pink. I consider for a moment how dangerous it is to be out here not at my full faculties, but then I remember how concerned I was at first—and how those fears were unfounded. I’ll be fine.

As the scotch takes a bigger hold, I step outside to let the cold wind cool down my ears and face. I go the hotel and wander the hallways.

I don’t believe in ghosts, but I talk to them out here. I created names and stories for all the people in photos and paintings on the walls in the hotel, a way to not feel so lonely shortly after I arrived. Bartholomew Wainwright is a man with a cookie-duster mustache who crushed his competition in business, before realizing how hollow his life was. He turned to writing after a retreat on the island, publishing a handful of novels before eventually becoming a literary agent. Victoria Robinson did everything her family and society asked of her, only to find out her husband had a mistress, and her children grew into wicked adults. She turned to painting and found her own love in the form of James Morgan, a younger bohemian from Greenwich Village also retreating to the island one summer. Ernie Mitchell was a washed-up boxer. In his photo, his hands look like knotted clubs at the end of his massive arms. But here on 13-Mile-Island, he found a use for them: casting and painting delicate porcelain. Anyone who laughed at the giant of a man pursuing his passion was given one warning. After that, they found themselves on the floor.

I look at my watch, following the minute hand on its final loop of the year. When all hands point to midnight, I sing “Auld Lang Syne” for those who came before me—and then make my way back to the keeper’s house where I fall asleep almost as soon as my head rests on my pillow.

JANUARY

David warned me January and February would be rough. Not so much the storms, but the frequency. Sprays of water turn to ice, coating everything slick and cold. I was told I’d hate these two months, but the novelty of tending to this island and its buildings hasn’t waned.

The bitterness and sting of ocean squalls does keep me inside more than usual, but I don’t mind. It’s an even more reflective time, a life stripped down to essentials. To survive each day is a gift of plenty. I move from the keeper’s house to my studio in the hotel, avoiding too much time in the elements. But when I do bundle up and explore, it’s like waking up to a new island each day. The wind shapes ice and snow into natural works of art, things I circle and ponder as though wandering a museum. There are moments I try capturing in photos and paintings that leave me stifled. To most, they become wonderful works, but I know I missed the connection of what I saw and felt and what existed for a short time before nature shaped it into something else.

It’s also shaped me into a different thing as well.

I always told myself, “If only I had the time…the things I would do.”

Some people get what they believe they want and do nothing with those days. These moments are what I want more than anything, and I will make sure they matter.

FEBRUARY

On the last day of January, and again on the first day of February, Einar calls me on the radio. The harbor’s locked in ice and he cannot get out. Three months ago, I would have panicked, even with enough camping meals to keep me going for weeks. I’m disappointed that it only takes four days before Einar arrives. He apologizes profusely, as though it was his job to turn back the ice pack at the mainland.

The rest of February is a repeat of January: storms and ice and sheltering inside where it’s warm. When it becomes too monotonous, I change my routine. The grand ballroom of the hotel becomes a bocce ball court, where I play for hours and never get bored. Character designs in old sketchbooks are given personalities, and I begin something I’ve always said I’d do if I ever had the time: work on a graphic novel. When the weather is bleaker than usual, I paint scenes from the island as I imagine them at the height of summer.

February is my reminder that there’s power in boredom—as long as you don’t give in to distraction. When the normal routine leaves you feeling flat, and there’s nothing else to do, new ideas bubble up from places left dormant for years. One afternoon, just because I feel like doing so, I strip down to the suit I wore when I came into the world and I run naked from one end of the hotel to the other. I zip up stairways and race along its upper floors, laughing at the freedom in such a strange act. After exposing myself to all the Valmorne Hotel has to offer, I charge out into the cold, doing a frigid lap of the 36-acre rock.

I understand there’s a time and a place to be reserved. Social mores exist for good reason. But somewhere along the way from childhood to adulthood, most of us shove a stick up our backsides and—only at the waning days of our lives—wish we’d removed it years before. Why do so many of us rob ourselves of things we want to do, for no other reason than we deemed them worthy or to satisfy our curiosity?

I’m not saying I’m going to run naked through the streets of town when I’m back on the mainland, but I’m sure as hell not going to be so uptight about what others think of me and the things I do.

MARCH

I wake up on March 1st already missing this place. It’s my last month out here, and for the first time since the beginning of November, a mainland feeling creeps in: there is so much I need to do. There really isn’t, but time these past four months has been dictated by nature—the seasons and the sun rising and setting—not clocks and calendars. But today I’m very aware that my time on 13-Mile Island is coming to an end. While there’s nothing I need to do outside my normal tasks for most of the month, I feel a strange urge to make the most of this last bit of time out here.

I think about all the paintings I planned to do, but never worked on. I should have made more progress in the evenings on the graphic novel. Sketching and even writing. So many things left undone. But then I stop and breathe, thinking about all the things I did do that were not planned. Things I’d never have done on the mainland. And I think about how I’ve felt these past several months. I feel great because I wasn’t viewing creative efforts as just another item on a checklist. I allowed myself times to be productive and times to be still. Time outside enjoying changes of scenery, or inside with the warmth and glow of a coal stove on the coldest of nights. I’ve seen storms and warm days—animals coming and going. I’ve come to know the island better than any place I’ve ever been because I have time to consider any curiosity crossing my mind. When I pull myself back to what I’ve known since November, the tension falls from my shoulders.

I don’t need to make the most of my time out here, at least in the productive sense most of us think about. Life here isn’t to be optimized. And that’s when it hits me like a rogue wave slamming into the side of the island and covering me in spray: I don’t have to live like that when I return to the mainland.

March will be a good month like the others on 13-Mile Island. And May and all the months that follow will be good, too…if I just slow down and remember these lessons.

* * *

I make a cross with two dowels and lash them together with butcher’s string. I run more string through the notches cut at each end, and then carefully stretch and tape butcher paper over the frame. I attach a tail, and I have a kite.

When I was twelve, my brother and I learned how to make kites from an old newspaper article our dad saved from when he was young. My kite was terrible, but Trevor’s was light and strong. Where mine bounced along on the ground like an injured albatross trying to gain lift, his soared like a falcon. I gave up on my kite and helped him keep his creation aloft.

Two times on its maiden flight, I ran back into the house for more string, tying it to what was already airborne. The kite climbed until it was just a spec in the sky. When there was no more string to be had, my brother let go!

I was appalled; how could he release such a perfect thing? Trevor waited a couple minutes before smiling and saying, “Let’s go find it.”

The adventure took us through fields and trees we’d never fully explored. Along a creek we knew existed, but never wandered because we had others closer to home. We passed outside our familiar territory and into the unknown, all with a simple goal: to find that kite.

“There it is!” Trevor said.

At the top of the highest tree in a small cluster ahead, it fluttered in the breeze like a gigantic butterfly wing.

As we made our way through the small forest, I thought about how we’d get it down. The trees were all tall oaks, not made for easy climbing. I searched for rocks, but they were all too large to throw into the canopy. Besides, I didn’t want to risk ruining such a wonderful creation. When we reached the tree where Trevor’s kite landed, we were in luck—at the top was an old tree house. The wooden boards hammered into the tree as a ladder had seen better days but supported our climb without falling. Trevor  crawled through one of the cut-out windows and shimmied up a branch to grab his kite.

That old tree house became our secret. It was there I came to appreciate solitude. When my brother began spending more time with his friends instead of me, it was a place I visited regularly on my own. Much like being here, I could scan the horizons in all directions from the tree house and feel for a moment like I was the only person on Earth. I still love that feeling.

I look at the kite above me, wondering what 13-Mile looks like from its perspective. I’ve only seen it on maps, even though I’ve been over the rocks and know this terrain so well. At its height, I wonder if other islands can be seen—or if it’s still like that old tree house: up above it all with no signs of life for miles.

* * *

The final week of the month is busier—not from rushing to squeeze the last bit of solitude out of my stay, but from doing my final checks of all the buildings before maintenance comes to prepare the hotel and conference center for summer months. I check and clean buildings that have mostly sat ignored for my stay. I never felt the need to spend time in every space, even though I investigated them all. For all my initial wondering about if I’d be afraid on the island, my only genuine startle comes when I check the maintenance barn and a barred owl shoots out from its secure space, almost knocking me to the ground in shock. I feel bad for disturbing it, like if someone stumbled upon the island not knowing about its overwinter keeper and startled me where I sleep during their exploration.

I do more cleaning than what’s expected of me, my way of thanking these old buildings for being accommodating shelters. Is it weird to like a cluster of buildings more than many people you’ve met? It’s a comfortable relationship.

When all my tasks are complete, and I can do no more additional work, I double and triple check all my gear. I still have a few camping meals left. My brushes are all bundled and stowed, my oils and acrylics and watercolors carefully packed away. I try remembering how many paintings I’ve given to Einar to hold, wondering if they will all fit in my car when retrieved.

I once read that chronic loneliness is more harmful than smoking cigarettes. Of course, I looked it up—and it wasn’t nearly as bad as the headline made it sound. For most, though, it’s still not good. I feel for genuinely lonely people, but I’d argue—at least for me—that the kind of life I’ve lived these past five months is my key to longevity. I am not one who needs other people to keep me busy or entertained. I don’t put my self-worth into a busy social schedule, and I definitely prefer not being on the go all the time. Loneliness is damaging for some, but so is keeping yourself busy all the time because you’re afraid of being alone. But it’s an extrovert’s world, full of many things to see and do so you never have to be alone with your thoughts.

My time on 13-Mile Island is coming to an end. I’m not nervous about returning to the mainland, and it’s not like there aren’t people I look forward to seeing. But I do prefer being alone and still.

I need to figure out how to get more of that when I get back to shore.

* * *

The old buildings seem different today, like they know their silent keeper will be gone in two days. Soon, they’ll rise from their overwinter slumber and shine for summer visitors. Were they alive, I like to imagine they’d want this quiet way of life to go on as much as I do—maybe even become the way things always are. I don’t want this to end.

It’s amazing how well you can come to know a 36-acre cluster of rock standing as one against the ocean. The nooks and shelter and life provided in an otherwise inhospitable place. When I wander these stones and think about how long they’ve been here, I can’t help but feel insignificant. But there are worse things in life than knowing your place among this island and the ocean—the sky above going on forever. All we do to nature, and how it laughs at our folly.

I’ve heard people say, “Live each day as though it were your last!” I understand the meaning, but it’s still a concept I find odd. Why would I go to a day job if it were my last day? Why would I take care of any of life’s tedious demands, like paying bills, if it were all about to end? Some believe if we’re not sucking the marrow out of our lives—every second of every day—that we’ve somehow failed ourselves and our purpose.

“Buy the ticket, take the ride.”

I understand the intent, but they don’t seem to know the rest of that saying is, “Tune in, freak out, get beaten.”

For me, calm hours like most I’ve spent on 13-Mile Island are how I’d choose to close out my time. A perfect day before giving myself to these rocks and the eons they’ve witnessed.

APRIL

On the first day of April, I expect Einar to not show up. I wait for the radio call that his boat’s broken down in a terrible way and he has no idea how long it will take to fix things. Then, when he hears the apprehension in my voice, he shouts, “April Fools!” and says he’s on his way. Instead, he arrives right on time.

I wish his boat had broken down and that I’d get a few more days of early spring on 13-Mile Island. In the days leading up to now, I’d begun missing the place right beneath my feet. The anticipation of leaving has twisted my stomach into knots even more than they were in late October, as I considered what I was about to do. Einar must sense all this.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” I say. “Just gonna miss this.”

“I understand.”

He lets me stay quiet as we load up all my gear on the boat and make our way back toward the mainland. I watch the island shrink behind me and disappear beneath the horizon.

In the harbor, Einar helps me load my car.

“Thanks for keeping it over the winter,” I say.

“You’re welcome. I drove it, here and there, to keep it running. Did a little work on it yesterday before Annie and I brought it out here for ya. Should be good to go for some time.”

I want to give him a hug, like the bear hug he gave me when he saw the painting I did of him on his boat. I’m not sure what more I can do to thank him for all he’s done. He holds up a finger and says, “One sec.”

He trots to his old truck and comes back with a bottle of scotch: a 10-year-old Laphroaig.

“I think you’re ready for this one, now.”

I take it and give him that hug. He returns it and says, “I hope to see you again, Daniel.”

* * *

Portsmouth, New Hampshire is not a bustling place, but it feels like New York City after months mostly alone in the Atlantic. I moved here after leaving North Carolina on David’s recommendation.

“Come on up. It’s not as busy as Raleigh, but there’s enough going on that you won’t be bored. Take a break, do some art, and figure things out.”

Now, it seems so loud and crowded.

Being an overwinter keeper didn’t pay much, but I have enough money to last several months without financial worry while figuring out what to do next. I don’t want to ever see the inside of a corporate office again, and I don’t know enough about coding to make my own video games. I’m not sure I ever want to be a part of that industry again, but it’s the thing I know best that’s also paid the bills. There are always new ways, though.

That’s the best thing about my months on 13-Mile Island, how you can just do something new with your life. We put so much into what we do for a living and not who we are. Jobs are our identity—and that’s fine if it’s what one wants to do. But most of us are only working the jobs we have to survive. Maybe that’s what changed on the island: I survived in a much different way.

Living on the coast, I thought I knew rough storms, but you don’t know how strong nature can be until you face it alone with no backup. You reach a point that you view existence differently. Out there, it’s not about making enough to pay bills and keeping up with others. Out there, it’s discovering you’ve always had more in you than you ever knew—because on the mainland, there’ s rarely any reason to go deeper and find out what was always inside.

I don’t believe this feeling will wear off. Something changed out on that rock: I’m through being something others and society demand. I’m not sure what I’ll do next, but I know I can never go back to who I was and what I did before.

* * *

I meet up with David over a $12 beer in a trendy gastropub designed to lure in people like pre-island me. He tells me that his father isn’t doing better or worse, that he plans to change his life around to care for him on a long-term basis. I tell him I don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore.

“That’s bullshit,” he says.

“What do you mean?”

“How’d you like 13-Mile Island?”

“I loved it.”

“Get a lot of stuff you always talked about doing done out there? The stuff you said you never had time for?”

“Yeah.”

“Exactly. I figured you’d come off that rock with a plan…or at least some ideas.”

“That’s what I loved about it,” I say. “I didn’t plan anything.”

“Maybe. But now you have a pile of art and a bit of time. The pressure of a world full of expensive beer and places like this leaning on you. Some comfort, but not enough to become complacent. That’s the motivation to decide what you really want to do.”

“It changes you, doesn’t it?”

“Huh?”

“Being out there. Did it change you?”

“Yeah,” David says, “but not like you. I was running from things. I knew my dad was slipping. It was more a way to avoid the reality of that for a couple years. I can always head into the woods for a long weekend when I need to get away, but I don’t do things requiring that kind of solitude. It kind of drove me nuts if I’m being honest—at least January and February. I hated those months.”

“I loved them,” I say.

“Of course you did. What changed for you?”

“Everything,” I say—and I mean it. Looking around the pub, at all the pretty people, it’s not for me. This place is someone’s dream, and that’s great. As for the others? There are worse things than living on the New Hampshire coast with maybe a job in advertising or design. A gig that lets your cover your body in hip tattoos and find others like yourself and feed off that energy. Sometimes I wish I were wired like that, but I do better making things on my own. I once craved that camaraderie, but I ended up talked over by more ambitious people. This pub is full of ambitious people in their 30s who will eventually have places of their own in the country in their 40s and 50s. They’ll look back on their carefree years as their children and grandchildren charge across fields on working farms turned to pick-your-own orchards and creative retreats. It’s not a bad life, but it’s not the life for me.

I look up from my expensive beer and say, “Yeah, everything changed for me out there. Now, I just need to figure out what to do.”

* * *

I often think about the cost of dreams: those who went all-out early in their pursuits, believing if they worked harder and smarter than most that they’d be rewarded with what they hoped for. And why would they think otherwise? It’s the American mantra, even though it’s often not reality. It’s possible to do everything right (and more) and still not find success. In my case, I walked the other path: feeling like a sellout because I found—at the right place and time—my artistic abilities could make me money fast. Born a bit sooner or later, and I’d not have fallen into the job I had for years. My plan was to work in game design to pay the bills and then having time to do the art I wanted to do, the stuff I knew might not be enough to earn a living. It was a good plan, except work took over in the form of deadlines requiring long hours. The art I wanted to do more than anything always sat behind other work.

I’m not sure which plan is better. We don’t like talking about the role luck plays in success—we like making it sound like it’s one person against the odds, doing more than all others combined, even though that’s rarely the case. I suppose what matters is doing something—making that choice, even if it doesn’t work out the way you hoped. The world is still full of people who find a dream realized later in life, no matter the choices they made earlier in youth.

With David tending to his father, the overwinter watch on 13-Mile island is mine for as long as I want. It’s a good balance: roughly half the year alone, and some time around others if I want that. Mainland months to plan and scheme, pitching ideas while hoping for the best, but not needing them to pay off in big ways. Then, time back on that rock in the Atlantic. No planning, just letting the island decide for me.

* * *

NEXT NOVEMBER

I arrive at the dock early, looking for Einar’s lobster boat that will take me to 13-Mile Island for another 5-month overwinter stay. He waves and calls to me: “Daniel! Here!”

After he helps me get my clothing, supplies, and backup food aboard, I hand him a gift.

“What’s this?” he says, knowing it’s a bottle of scotch. His eyes go wide when he sees it’s a 16-year-old Lagavulin.

“You didn’t have to.”

“I know,” I say. “But I wanted to. You introduced me to Islay malts, and that’s my way of saying thank you.”

“Well, hell—I need to figure out what else I like to introduce you to, then.” Einar laughs at his own joke and asks me if I’m ready to head out.

“Yep!”

I take my place at the closed side of the boat’s cabin and watch the Maine coast fade away behind us. I don’t feel the urge to talk with Einar to fill the time before I’m alone again, and I think he knows that. Last year, he let me ask questions because he knew how nervous I was. This year, I’m excited. And calm.

I don’t worry about what the next five months hold for me—that’s for the days to decide. I have a couple things I’d like to finish, but it’s not vital if I don’t. There are no last days to live, tickets to buy, or marrow to extract from my life. Instead, I turn to the front of Einar’s lobster boat and wait for 13-Mile Island—and another overwinter stay—to come into view.

* * *

[Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks.

Theme music, as always, is by Ergo Phizmiz. Story music this time was licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Sound effects are made in-house or from Epidemic Sound and freesound.org. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the show, the voice talent, and the music. Also, for as little as a dollar a month (or even free), you can support the show at patreon.com/cgronlund.

In November, it’s the show’s anniversary episode, which always features the most not Not About Lumberjacks story of the year!

[Quirky music fades out…]

[The sound of an axe chopping.]

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Intro music plays]

[Woman’s Voice]

This is Behind the Cut with Christopher Gronlund. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.

[Music fades out]

Christopher Gronlund:

Behind the Cut is an in-depth look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks and often contains spoilers from the most recent story. You’ve been warned…

* * *

I’ll begin with a confession: I went with the easier storyline with “Mudlarking,” instead of things I initially considered.

Originally, I thought Eva would find a message in a bottle and finish the business of someone long gone, resulting in closure for someone still alive. Or…go with a whimsical, touching thing, like the movie Amélie.

Instead, I went with straight-up fun.

There’s nothing wrong with fun. One of my favorite Not About Lumberjacks stories is “Gerald’s Grail,” a story about teenagers who come into possession of items granting them low-grade powers. But I know the last handful of stories meant something more than entertainment to listeners—and I felt like I should have continued that trend. Looking back at those stories…

“The Song of the Stone” reached several people going through changes where they work.

“Firing the Muse” surprised me, because while I went into it wanting to tell a more light-hearted tale, some saw a deeper statement about what it is to create art in a time when creativity has become such a commodity. Others saw it as a story about accepting inevitable change (without changing who you are).

“Lakeview Estates” addressed small-town politics and the housing crisis in the U.S., while “Old Growth” is a tale about humans destroying the environment.

The last story, “It’s Never Too Late,” really meant something to listeners—in many big ways. And even this year’s Christmas episode had its serious stories and moments.

So, I felt an almost responsibility to the audience to write another meaningful story.

* * *

People tell me to write the stories I want to write, with no regard to an audience. But even writers who say they don’t write for an audience usually have an ideal reader (or listener) in mind.

I do write the stories I want to write, which is likely one of the reasons I don’t write fiction full time. (I always choose stories that interest me, more than crafting tales that are likely to have greater commercial appeal.) But by releasing stories on Not About Lumberjacks, I can’t pretend I never think about how readers and listeners might react to things.

If audience didn’t matter to me on some level, I’d keep my stories to myself.

So, I went into the latest story with recent feedback about more serious things in mind.

* * *

It’s funny when I talk about writing for Not About Lumberjacks and how I take into consideration that there are people waiting for stories. No one ever pressures me to produce like a machine, and I know if something came up that people would be understanding if I didn’t release a story at a specific time. But I like that I have a bit of a schedule that I mostly stick to.

Others have told me they couldn’t write like that (as if I asked for their opinion). If I know a story needs more time, I change things and take that time…or work on a story I’m more confident I can complete, while working on the other for a later date. I won’t put out a story just to put out a story. But It’s unlikely I’d write as much without Not About Lumberjacks, and I enjoy getting more stories out there instead of fretting over one story forever that’s still going to have its issues.

* * *

Having a body of work is a neat thing. When I reach a point like I did with “Mudlarking,” I remind myself that another action-adventure story, “Gerald’s Grail,” is some people’s favorite story on the site. I suppose I can argue “The Other Side” has some action and adventure in it, although it’s a bit more serious. “Rockbiters” takes place in space, but it’s also written to be more entertaining than meaningful. And if I should ever think, “Is this too much?” I just need to remind myself that I’m the guy who wrote a story called “Booger,” about a kid making an oozing, vile monster in his bathtub.

I’m not one to chase trends, but I cannot deny seeing the show’s popularity grow in the last year has been a bit of a thrill. Of course, the show is still very small, but by its miniscule numbers—in the last three months—it’s received as many listens as I usually get in a year. (And that’s with the bit of growth earlier in this season.)

* * *

So, I suppose it’s natural to think, “Should I write another story with more emotion?”

That’s not a stretch for me, because it’s kind of what I do. Most stories I’ve written—even something as ridiculous as “Milkboy”—have heart. They mean something to me, and I hope they mean something to listeners and readers.

But I started Not About Lumberjacks to have an online spot for my writing…and to write whatever I wanted to do…whenever. Serious one month—ridiculous the next. Each year, looking back and seeing that body of work grow.

* * *

“Mudlarking” is a lot of fun. It was nice writing something during a busy time of the year that didn’t require as much planning and shouldering the emotional weight and effort that lingers with more “serious” stories. A woman finds an item in the mud that does strange things and, for a handful of days, her life is filled with adventure.

* * *

The life of a technical writer who writes, records, and releases short fiction on the side is not a life of adventure. I’m fine with that. Adventure for me is, “Hey, there are a lot of flooded areas in Texas right now…and we can get to a lot of neat places in the canoe others never see!”—not, “I have people chasing me because I found an ancient relic in the mud!”

If you’ve listened to “Rockbiters,” you know I love dwarves…but when it comes to classic fantasy races, I am much more of a Hobbit—content with sticking around closer to home than hanging from the edge of a cliff in the Dolemites or Andes Mountains.

When it comes to more ridiculous adventures, I tend to find them in stories—not my everyday life. In the latest tale, Eva Barrett is established as a bit of a thrill-seeker, so sending her through a handful of frenzied days was fun.

Were she real, I suspect she’d be fine with what I’ve written, but ask me to not do it again.

* * *

I’ve not looked ahead to next year’s writing like I did this past year—even going as far as asking Patreon patrons for feedback.

I liked having the stories I’d be writing lined up, but it’s not a thing I intend to do again.

Because people had a say in which stories I’d write this year (granted, they were things I was going to write anyway…I simply asked patrons, “Do you want this one or that one?” and went with the winners), I didn’t want to deviate from the plan. But next year, I’ll return to my usual swirling chaos of a process.

I think another reason I was apprehensive about “Mudlarking” being an action-adventure story was I saw that people gravitated toward more “serious” stories when asked.

But then…I never quite established to patrons what “Mudlarking” was, other than someone finding something weird in the mud.

* * *

I’ll always wonder what the message-in-a-bottle version of “Mudlarking” might have been like, or the Amélie-esque version. But because I tend to find a story’s truth in its telling, that wondering happens frequently. (I could write at least two other versions of “It’s Never Too Late,” including the bonkers original version called “Not Again!” [Hell, I could probably write five other versions of that tale…])

For me, writing is an adventure, and I’m always happy to see where it takes me.

I’m happy with where “Mudlarking” ended up…

* * *

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.

Also, for as little as a dollar a month, you can have access to a bigger behind-the-scenes look at Not About Lumberjacks on Patreon. Check out patreon.com/cgronlund if that sounds like your kinda thing.

In July, we head back to the 90s and follow an indie band on the cusp of bigger things…until it all comes apart.

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Sound of an ax chopping wood. Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

I want to make one thing perfectly clear: this show is not about lumberjacks…

My name is Christopher Gronlund, and this is where I share my stories. Sometimes the stories contain truths, but most of the time, they’re made up. Sometimes the stories are funny—other times they’re serious. But you have my word about one thing: I will never—EVER—share a story about lumberjacks.

This time, it’s a story about a would-be mudlark who finds something very strange during low tide on the Thames River foreshore. And because this story is set in London, I apologize to my English listeners for my terrible British accents in this one.

Now, onto the usual content advisory…

“Mudlarking” is pretty tame. Were it a movie, it would be rated PG. I suppose the only real warning is violence in the form of fighting, and even then: it’s not brutal fighting—more like light action movie fighting.

And when it comes to swearing, it’s pretty non-existent. (You’re likely to hear worse on television.) I think about as bad as it gets is another word for “poop” that begins with S.

Oh, and one more thing…longtime listeners might remember some characters mentioned in this story. If a little bit near the end is jarring for new listeners, I did my best to not leave you completely lost…

All right, let’s get to work!

* * *

Mudlarking

Eva Barrett loved being places that were off limits: high-rise construction sites, abandoned factories, and office buildings after hours. Once, while visiting an aunt in northern Illinois, she and her sister discovered a series of steam tunnels beneath a seminary, a remnant of times past, used today to get around without going outside—especially in winter. It wasn’t about the rush of breaking rules, although there was an element of suspense and even danger that appealed to something deep down. For Eva, it was about seeing how massive structures grew or decayed, what held them together as industries grew and crumbled. It was also about the strange community breaching the sites: other urban explorers, occasional ghost hunters, and photographers obsessed with seeing how nature’s green hand reclaims our lofty ambitions—a reminder that, while we may reach for the sky, time topples all.

She carefully descended the algae-slicked ladder leading down to the Thames River foreshore. She’d seen people rummaging about during low tide; asked about it at work.

“Those are mudlarks,” her boss told her. “They muck about for artifacts. I suppose it’s as much a thing to do as any…”

When Eva accepted a transfer from Globotek’s Detroit office to London, she had dreams of exploring structures older than the United States. Her work visa kept her out of potential trouble. Climbing down to the foreshore wasn’t the exciting foray into Medieval ruins she imagined, but she figured if she were caught, she could say she didn’t know climbing down was off limits—and hopefully get a pass.

It smelled like she expected: grease, decomposing algae, dead fish, and an underlying eggy odor she couldn’t identify. She walked down to a slight bend in the river, figuring anything flowing downstream from other places would end up trapped in the corner. It was a gathering place for garbage, mostly plastic bottles. Eva shook her head, acknowledging the irony of people seeking clean drinking water constantly polluting their sources.

She found a stick and used it to poke around in the mud and rocks, occasionally spotting something she thought was a find, but turning out to be more garbage that found its way into the river. She hoped to at least find a coin—not even something old—just an item passed hand to hand for a couple decades and the things it had seen. An old piece of pottery or a clay pipe would have been amazing. But all she found was more garbage.

Eva was about to make her way back to the ladder, clean up, and find a bite to eat when she saw a bit of grimy metal poking up from the mud. She wandered over and dug around the edges with her stick. It looked like a small handle. She reached down, worked her fingers around it, and gave a little tug.

The soggy earth released its grip, surprising her. Eva thought it was the handle to an old, hammered pot, something big enough that it would need to be dug out. She came up with a bracelet. She wandered to a tidal pool, where she rinsed it off, revealing coils of what couldn’t be gold—but seemed to be—with boars fastened to the ends where the bracelet almost met.

Eva did her best to dry it off with the bottom of her shirt, before placing it in her backpack and making her way back to the ladder.

* * *

In her flat, Eva brought the bracelet to the bathroom and rinsed it in the sink. As the grime from the Thames River bed fell away from the woven strands of metal, it looked more gold than bronze or copper. The small boars on opposing sides at the ends looked like they were charging each other.

An hour of searching online convinced her she’d found a small Celtic relic on the foreshore. Was it a replica, she wondered—a souvenir that found its way into the river along with coins and plastic bottles? Or was it truly one of the earlier examples of gold work done during the Iron Age?

Pulling up The British Museum’s website, a jump from the Departments link brought her to the Britain, Europe, and Prehistory page. A bit more digging, and she found the name of the curator of the European Iron Age and Roman Conquest Period: Simon Richardson. Additional searching revealed an email address at the museum Eva wasn’t sure was his. Still, it was worth a try.

Dear Mr. Richardson,

I was mudlarking (is that even a word?) on the Thames foreshore, and I found what I think might be an old bracelet (maybe Iron Age?). It could be a replica, but I figured you’d be the person who’d know. (Please see the attached photo.)

I can obviously be reached at this email address, or at this number: 555-555-1212. (I’m an American in London. There’s a werewolf joke in there, somewhere, but…well, I should just stop typing before reinforcing stereotypes about us being prone to babbling instead of getting straight to the point.)

Sincerely,

Eva Barrett

After sending the email, she looked at the bracelet sitting on the desk next to her laptop. Eva picked it up and rubbed the gold wires between the thumb and forefinger on her right hand. She looked at the boars at each end, appreciating the detailed work that went into the piece. It had to be a souvenir, she thought—there was no way they could have made something so intricate that long ago. She placed one of the boars against her arm and twisted the bracelet onto her wrist.

* * *

Eva’s body surged with energy, a force from her core radiating out, stopping just below her skin. She inhaled and got her first deep, smooth breath since spring hit and pollen soared. It wasn’t a trick of the mind: the echo of traffic outside was amplified and sorted in her head—engines humming and grinding, footsteps on pavement and people talking. She smelled the remnants of onion skin and the top of a green pepper cooked with eggs for breakfast in her compost bin. Words and images on her laptop monitor displayed in crisp resolution.

Eva looked at the bracelet on her left wrist and whispered, “No way…”

She took it off, and the world seemed dim again. When she put it back on, focus—and that feeling she was closer to everything around her—returned.

Eva stood up and walked to her couch. She bent down and placed her off hand beneath its end and lifted. It rose with no effort. She spent the next several minutes testing the weight of items in her flat, ending with a chest-high bookcase packed full. She squatted, wrapped her arms around it, and stood up. It was easier than lifting a laundry basket. As she placed the bookshelf down, a copy of Lonely Planet’s London travel guide slid off a shelf. Without a thought, she grabbed the bookcase tighter with one arm and snatched the falling book with her other hand.

Maybe Eva couldn’t pick up a car and throw it like the Incredible Hulk, but she guessed she could likely flip one over without assistance. She might not be able to run as fast as The Flash, but her reflexes were beyond explanation.

* * *

Eva spent the rest of the day testing the limits of the bracelet’s effects from the safety of her flat. She only grew fatigued after removing the bracelet, and even then, only felt nappish at best—a remarkable state given her exertion. Were she home in the U.S., she’d test her strength by lifting the refrigerator or washing machine, but in her flat, both appliances were mounted into the cabinetry and not free-standing. She’d have to wait until dark.

* * *

A little before eleven that evening, Eva headed out in search of an alley. She thought about how bad superhero movies began like that: the obligatory person-with-new-powers encounters bad guys, defeats them, and decides to fight crime. Eva was in search of a dumpster, figuring they weighed roughly as much as a large car or SUV. Were something to go wrong, better it to be a chunk of steel full of garbage—a thing constructed to be tough enough to be lifted and put down by trucks—than a stranger’s vehicle.

Eva entered an alley a few blocks from her flat. She looked around to ensure she was alone, and then approached a dumpster. She squatted and grabbed an end at the bottom, much like her couch test earlier. It took far more effort than hoisting things in her flat, but she dead-lifted the dumpster and set it back down. Twice.

After checking her surroundings again, Eva looked at the alley in front of her, making sure nothing was in her way. It was a clear shot to a quiet side street, the perfect place for the next test. She took a deep breath and ran.

Eva moved faster than she anticipated, her body reacting as though this were a thing she did daily since learning how to walk. The difficult part was controlling the speed of a lion. She stumbled as she tried gliding to a stop, eventually falling into the street. A passing black cab stopped Eva when they collided, sending her to the pavement.

Hard.

She looked at the dent in the front of the vehicle, but didn’t feel a tinge of pain.

She bounced up and trotted away, moving away from her flat, before slowing to a walk. Eventually, she doubled back on different streets and returned home.

* * *

The following morning, Eva expected to wake up in pain, but there wasn’t even a bruise from where she was hit by the taxi. During breakfast, she did her usual online sweep of social media, news, and email. A peek at Facebook and Instagram was a reminder that she was wise to take the Globotek position in London. Her friends back in the U.S. still spent their Saturday nights drinking like college students almost a decade after graduating. The news was…well, the news. She opened Gmail and saw a reply from Simon Richardson at the British Museum.

Dear Ms. Barrett,

Thank you for contacting me about your find along the Thames foreshore. From the photo, it would appear you have found a genuine Bronze Age Celtic bracelet, or a very accurate facsimile. At your convenience, I would love to see the piece in person to determine its origin. While the museum’s identification service is open on Wednesdays between 14:00 – 16:00 hours by appointment, I am available Monday through Friday during normal business hours.

I can obviously be reached via this email address, or at the number included below.

Sincerely,

Simon Richardson

Curator: European Iron Age and Roman Conquest Period

Eva wished she could return to Saturday morning and not have sent her email to Simon about the bracelet. At the time, she wanted to know if it was real or fake. Now, with so much more she wanted to discover about her find, she feared it would be taken from her. She clicked reply and began typing.

Mr. Richardson,

I was premature in sending my email yesterday. I suppose finding something so exciting during my first time mudlarking got the best of me. I took the bracelet to a jewelry shop, where I learned it was an ornamental bracelet and not an actual artifact.

I apologize for wasting your time and wish you a good week ahead.

Sincerely,

Eva Barrett

* * *

Eva spent the rest of Sunday morning preparing for the workweek. The following morning, as she got dressed to head into the office, she put on the bracelet and pulled on a thin, long-sleeved sweater to cover it. When she opened to door to leave, she was greeted by an old man with a long beard. She stepped back, startled.

“Eva Barrett, I presume?”

She caught her breath and said, “Who wants to know?”

“I am called Cassius Arkwright, and I am here at your service.”

The old man bowed deeply and stood back up. He looked like a wizard from the Lord of the Rings movies. Put the man before her in the right robes, and he could pass as Gandalf or Saruman. Instead, he wore a tailored suit cut perfectly to his lithe frame. Eva noticed a pin on his lapel: a gold boar similar to the one on the bracelet.

“Well, Cassius Arkwright,” Eva said. “How are you at my service?”

He pointed to the pin on his suit.

“You are in possession of a relic my order seeks to protect.” He gestured to Eva’s left wrist. “I assume you are hiding it beneath your sleeve?”

“Who are you, really?”

“I told you, madam. I am called Cassius Arkwright, a member of unparalleled standing in the Benevolent Order of the Boar.”

Eva rolled the name around in her head and laughed.

“Is something funny?” Cassius said.

“Benevolent Order of the Boar? BOOB? BOOB!”

“There is a T in the name, madam.”

“Yeah, but still. You’d think your order would have thought that through a bit better.”

“The order was founded in 400 BCE—almost twenty-five hundred years ago. Boob was not yet a word.”

“Oh. Strange question, then: are you that old?”

“No, I am not. People are not that long lived.”

“Yeah, but…”

“But what?” Cassius said.

“Nothing.”

“By ‘nothing,’ I assume you’ve discovered what the bracelet can do?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But it is what you mean?”

“Are you here to take it from me?” Eva said.

“No, I am not. I am here to ask you to give it to me of your own free will. We will not take it by force.”

“What happens if I give it to you?”

“We will place it in safe keeping.”

“And if I don’t?”

“We will ensure it does not fall into the wrong hands.”

“How do you know I’m not the wrong hands?”

“Watching you last night gave us an indication you have no idea what you are wearing. I do not know how you have come by the bracelet, but we suspect you are not going to use it for nefarious means. Should you decide to, be warned: that is the point at which we will retrieve it by force.”

“Watching me?” Eva said. “How?”

“You seem to have forgotten this city is full of closed-circuit television cameras. Some make a hobby out of watching the feeds. A member of the order saw it shared on Reddit. You paused after setting the skip down a second time and looked at the bracelet.”

“The what?”

“The skip. Dumpster. You adjusted the bracelet on your wrist before you took off running.”

“Oh, shit!”

“Yes. Shit, indeed. Can I point out this would be a good time to hand the bracelet over to us? We will ensure your safety should anyone else track you down like we did and try to take it.”

The words sat in Eva’s stomach: “Should anyone else track you down like we did…”

It was supposed to be a fun morning on the Thames foreshore, digging around in the mud and maybe finding a coin or two—not some ancient relic that granted its wearer powers. Eva wondered what else the bracelet might do. She was not successful in trying to read Cassius’s mind or levitating from the floor before him.

“Are you okay, madam?” Cassius said.

“Yeah, why?”

“You suddenly got quiet and had a pained look on your face.”

“I was just thinking. Let’s say everything you just told me is true. How do I know you are good? How do I know you aren’t the wrong hands and planning to use for—as you put it—nefarious means?”

“I suppose there is no way to know, but to trust me.”

Cassius reached into an inside pocket from his suit and handed Eva a business card.

“In time, I am confident you will come to a rational decision. Good day, Ms. Barrett.”

* * *

Eli Husk put great effort into cultivating a personal history where he came into his riches on his own. His billions were not the result of a family diamond mine and half a billion dollars given to him by his father upon graduating college with a degree in economics—in Eli’s version, he started every business from scratch and turned them into powerful companies. Why say, “I bought out existing companies and claimed them as my own brilliant ideas,” when you could convince millions of fans on the social media platform you owned that you have always been the nation’s chosen genius? Despite his reckless breeding habits and penchant for destroying the stock values of the companies he owned, Eli’s life was good…at least until the day he mocked the robot man-child who owned a rival social media company.

It was a stupid thing to do during the boredom of another lonely night, joking online that he couldn’t determine if Mort Zucker was a reptile or an android. Zucker responded about how Husk’s face looked like a half-deflated sourdough starter on a humid day, puffy and oozing. Following a barrage of posts that would make the worst of eighth-grade boys sound mature, Zucker got in a blow that hurt. He called out Husk’s drug use, which resulted in Eli—high on the drug he was accused of abusing—challenging Zucker to a steel cage grudge match. Before he could back out the following morning, his legion of followers had escalated things to a point of no turning back without damaging his brittle ego. Husk figured it would blow over—a spat between two sad men never satisfied with having more than enough—but contracts for a charity fight were signed, and a date was set.

With five days to go, things were looking grim.

Eli was sitting at his messy desk in Texas, watching self-defense videos on YouTube, when he got the news.

“Sir, I think I figured out a way for you to survive Saturday’s fight,” his main bodyguard said.

He looked up at the towering man before him. “How so?”

The bodyguard airdropped a video to his boss and said, “This happened not too far from Testa’s London office. Most people online think it’s fake, but we verified the video’s not been altered.”

Eli watched various closed-circuit television views of Eva testing the bracelet’s powers.

When he was done watching, Eli Husk said, “Where did you get this?”

“It was originally on a subreddit. Then it made its way to TikTok. Eventually—finally—to your site.”

Eli shook his head. “I don’t understand why people use those sites. I still don’t know what I’m looking at, other than something that looks like a found footage clip from a bad superhero movie.”

Husk’s bodyguard pulled his phone from his pocket and showed his boss a screen grab from the video: a blurry closeup of the bracelet.

“It seems like that’s what’s letting her lift the dumpsters and run fast.”

“Okay,” Husk said. “Assuming this is all real, how does it help me?”

“We were able to track down where the person in the video lives. We could send someone from the London office and offer to buy the bracelet. It would give you an advantage in the fight.”

“And…she could tell everyone we bought it, making matters worse.”

“Okay. We can send a security detail to take it from her. Make it look like a robbery.”

“And if they’re caught?”

“They won’t be.”

“I still don’t understand how this helps me in Saturday’s fight.”

“The gloves cover your wrist and are taped. It’s not an officially sanctioned fight, so they aren’t doing weigh ins and checking your gear. You could hide the bracelet under the glove and be assured a win.”

Eli sighed and said, “This has to be the most ridiculous plan I’ve ever heard. But the alternative right now is to roll over on Zucker like a walrus Saturday night and hope for the best, so what the hell? Call Gordon in the London office and see what he can do. It’s as good a shot as any…”

* * *

Eva’s workday was like any other, with the exception of the magic bracelet hidden on her wrist and a member from a secret order greeting her at the start of the day. Data still needed to be crunched, reports needed to be run, and there were always meetings to be had. So many meetings.

She spent the day in her head, wondering how the bracelet could grant its wearer powers. What else might it be able to do, and what to ultimately do with it? It’s not like she was going to head out at night and fight crimes, but it would come in handy when moving and doing other tasks requiring a bit of effort. It seemed a shame, though, to reserve such a thing for everyday frivolities.

* * *

As Eva walked home, she thought again about the words Cassius said at her front door that morning: “Should anyone else track you down like we did…”

She had paid more attention to her surroundings than usual on the way into work, and walking home after a day of thinking more about the bracelet than what she was paid to do, she felt exposed. Anyone around her could suddenly leap out and try taking it from her, even though she knew it wouldn’t be so easy given the abilities it granted her.

Paranoia set in, and within a couple blocks of walking, she suspected everyone around her of knowing what she wore on her wrist. She took a different route home, keeping an eye out as people approached and passed; listened for the turning bottom of a shoe on the sidewalk as someone pivoted, preparing to grab her from behind.

After altering her route, Eva noticed a man in a suit she saw a block from work. She stepped into a kebab house, figuring eating something wouldn’t hurt—and if the man was a random stranger walking the same way, he’d move on.

When she finished her falafel wrap and paid the bill, she asked her server if they had a back entrance.

“I am sorry. We do not.”

“Not even a back door for garbage? Err…rubbish? I think a man is following me.”

The server looked out the front window. When she returned to Eva’s table, she said, “Come with me.”

She directed Eva through the kitchen and to a back door leading into an alley.”

“Thank you,” Eva said.

“You’re welcome. Do be careful.”

“I will.”

From the alley, Eva surveyed the street behind the shop. The streets were teeming with foot and motor traffic. Picking out one person in all the commotion was difficult, but she saw no signs of the man she noticed near work and along the way. She doubled back several streets and cut across five blocks, figuring a big loop back home was the safest route.

* * *

On Tuesday morning, after making a mug of coffee and grabbing a jar of overnight oats, Eva sat down and opened her laptop. She was greeted by email from Simon Richardson at the British Museum.

Dear Ms. Barrett,

Thank you for your response on Sunday. I am concerned if you sold the bracelet you originally contacted me about on the 18th, that the jeweler you mentioned might have misled you regarding its value. If possible, can you please provide the name of the shop? And if you did not sell the piece, I would still love to see it. I am available during the normal business hours shared in my previous email.

Sincerely,

Simon Richardson

Curator: European Iron Age and Roman Conquest Period

Eva knew the easiest—even right thing—to do would be giving the bracelet to Simon. The British Museum may have housed artifacts that should have been returned to the countries in which they were found, but the bracelet on her wrist belonged to the island. She wondered, though, what Simon might do were he to put it on his wrist and discover its powers. Hell, that might be why he’s so interested in it, Eva thought. She considered calling Cassius Arkwright and asking him about the Order of the Boar’s intentions should she hand over the piece, but she was behind at work and knew, with so much on her mind, that it was likely to be another non-productive day.

* * *

Eva kept an eye out for the man in the suit she noticed the night before, but didn’t spot him. He might have been there, lost in the morning surge, but noticing him among so many people was difficult. Something about heading into work didn’t bother her quite as much as walking home after the day; perhaps because she was in a crowded building all day and alone in the flat at night. By mid-morning, she stopped thinking about the bracelet and had a productive day—even catching up on tasks from the day before.

* * *

Eva was walking home from work when a man in a ratty t-shirt and torn jeans approached her. She recognized his face—the man in the suit who’d followed her the night before, now dressed down and looking determined. He flashed a knife and gestured for her to enter an alley she was passing. When Eva turned to move away, she collided with a tall man who guided her where they wanted her to go.

Eva took off running down the alley, knowing there was no way they could keep up with her. As it opened into a junction where several alleys met, she was tripped by another member of the crew waiting for her. Three others moved in.

Eva leaped to her feet and punched the guy who tripped her in the face. Her stomach turned as his nose shattered and a cheekbone caved in. He turned, took a step, and fell to the ground.

She heard the two men from the street running down the alley and calling to the others. With little effort, Eva leaped over a dumpster and shoved it into one of the three bearing down on her. She cringed as it hit him in the shin, breaking his leg. She kept pushing, feeling the dumpster roll over him, further destroying his tibia and fibula. She kept pushing, despite the screaming, working to ram the massive chunk of steel and garbage into the alley she’d come down, hoping it would impede the two men she encountered on the street.

The two men left standing grabbed Eva by each arm, while the other two climbed over the dumpster in their way. As she broke the hold the two behind her had on her arms, their partners leaped off the dumpster and hit her in the chest. It didn’t hurt as much as she expected, but it was enough to take her off her feet. Three of them held down her arm while the guy who flashed the knife went for the bracelet. With her free hand, she punched one of the men holding her arm down. She felt his jaw shift and pop against her fist. Somehow, despite the blow, he held on with his two friends.

Eva felt the bracelet being jostled on her wrist as the leader of the group worked to pull it free. Right before it was sure to slide off, she heard charging footsteps coming over the dumpster—and more from the closest alley.

At first, she wondered if it was the Benevolent Order of the Boar, but they looked more like the thugs pinning her down looked the night before: more like corporate security or agents.

Eva was able to pull her pinned arm free and shove the bracelet back onto her wrist.

As the two groups fought, she got up and ran down the closest alleyway. She didn’t stop when she hit the street.

Eva always wondered what it would be like seeing a chase in a city, like something from a movie or a helicopter on the news. She looked over her shoulder, expecting to see the entrance to the alley erupt with the competing factions bearing down on her, but there was no pursuit. It didn’t stop Eva from running, though—eventually slowing to a jog and then a fast walk before hailing a cab.

* * *

Instead of going home where she was certain people would be waiting, Eva checked into a hotel for the night. Despite the relative safety of the room, she was still on edge—half expecting the door to be kicked down and people rushing in to take the bracelet. Each moment since finding the relic grew more strange and stressful, and she knew it wouldn’t stop as long as she had it in her possession. She opened her purse and pulled out Cassius Arkwright’s business card.

It would be so easy to call and tell him she was prepared to hand it over, not caring what The Benevolent Order of the Boar would do with it. It’s not like the bracelet was that powerful, unless she was unaware of its full potential. “Really, what am I going to do with it?” she thought. “Put on a costume and fight crime? Wear it when rearranging heavy furniture or moving?”

She dialed the number.

“This is Cassius Arkwright. To whom am I speaking?”

“Hi. Yeah. This is Eva Barrett. You came to my apartment on Monday.”

“Yes, Miss Barrett. Of course.”

“I have a couple questions about the bracelet.”

“Certainly.”

“First, you said you would not allow it to fall into the wrong hands, but I was just attacked, and it was almost taken from me.”

“It is still in your possession?”

“Yes.”

“Then it did not fall into the wrong hands.”

“Okay, sure. But what if it did?”

“Then we would have shown up and taken it by force.”

“What if you couldn’t?”

“I assure you, Miss Barrett, despite the age of some members of the order—myself included—we are more than capable.”

“All right. Time for the biggie, then. What the hell even is this thing on my wrist?”

“Are you familiar with the Iceni?”

“No…”

“Have you ever heard of Boudica?”

“She was a Celtic queen, right? Like a warrior badass?”

“Indeed.”

“Was this hers?”

“Some believe it was in her possession for a time, but it is much older than her. I have seen evidence that some of the almost super-human feats attributed to the ancient Celts were the result of certain relics. The one you wear included. I can only speak for my order and our beliefs, but there was a time we were much closer to unseen forces that have always been around us. That still are if you know where to look. Most people have simply lost their way and forgotten how to imbue items with energy. Is it a safe assumption that you are considering parting ways with the bracelet?”

“I’m thinking about it, yeah.”

“I would be happy to meet you now, or at your earliest convenience.”

“Thanks. But there’s one thing I need to do before getting back in touch…”

* * *

Eva opened the email app on her phone and began typing.

Mr. Richardson,

I didn’t sell the bracelet to the jeweler. In fact, I never took it to a jeweler. I have reasons for saying I did in my last email. This thing has become quite the problem in recent days. I’d love to talk.

Sincerely,

Eva Barrett

Eva plopped down on the bed and closed her eyes. She trusted Cassius, but wondered on some level if the wizened old man thing was all an act to get her to hand over the bracelet. That was the worst thing about recent days: all the thinking and doubting. She thought about tossing the bracelet back into the Thames River or just stop wearing it and telling anyone coming for it that it was taken by a rival group of strangers. But she knew they’d keep coming. She was on the verge of dozing off when she got an email notification on her phone. It was Simon Richardson asking her to give him a call at his personal number—yet another thing to make her question people’s intentions and what the hell to do. She eventually called.

“Hello, Simon? Yes, it’s Eva Barrett. How soon can you meet to talk about the bracelet? Really? Okay. I’m currently staying at the Holiday Inn near Regent’s Park. Yeah. How soon can you get here? Yeah, I guess the museum isn’t too far away. Does meeting in the lobby in half an hour work? Okay, cool. I’ll see you soon.”

* * *

After throwing some water on her face and cleaning up her clothes as best she could after the scrum in the alley, Eva opened the door to her hotel room to head downstairs.

She was greeted by a man in a suit.

Before she could think, she reeled back with her hand and noticed other men in the hallway. The person before her put his hands up in front of him and said, “We mean you no harm. We saved you in the alley. We’re here to make you an offer.”

He had an American accent. Eva kept her fist raised.

“Who the hell are you?” Eva said. “And who the hell were the others?”

“We have no idea who they are, but we’re not here to hurt you.” He slowly brought his hands down.

“How the hell did you find me?” Before the man could answer, Eva said, “These friggin’ cameras!”

“What cameras?”

“The cameras on all the streets!”

“That’s not how we found you,” he said.

“Then how?”

“I’m not at liberty to say.”

“You know what? Then I’m not talking. I’ll give you three seconds, and then I’m screaming for help and ruining your day.”

He put his hands back up in a defensive position. “Okay. Let’s just say some objects give off a certain energy. And we have ways of tracking that. We want to take that off your hands—well, your wrist. My employer is prepared to purchase that bracelet for a very fair price.”

“Who’s your employer?”

“I’m not at liberty to say.”

“Well, then, guess what? I’m not at liberty to answer. Do you not see how ridiculous this seems to me: a group of strange men show up at my door, offer me money, but refuse to tell me who’s offering.”

“Fine,” the man said. “We work for a man named Cory Bradford. He owns a company called Bradford Industries.” He pointed at Eva’s wrist. “He collects things like that—has for a long time. It’s kind of a family thing. He’s prepared to pay a million dollars for it.”

Eva brought her arm down. The man before her kept his arms up.

“Why should I believe you?”

“I’ll give you his card and you can call. Arrange things on your terms. We’re just sending the message.”

“Can I think about this?” she said.

“Absolutely.” He pointed to his chest. ”I’m gonna reach into my jacket for a card. I’m not doing anything funny, okay?”

“Okay.”

He handed Eva Cory Bradford’s business card and said, “Just give us a call when you’ve decided what you want to do.”

* * *

In the lobby, Eva took a seat at a small table that allowed her to sit with her back to a wall and spot people coming into the hotel. She looked at others in the lobby and lounge, men and women—most dressed for business—talking amongst themselves. She didn’t spot the one face she could recognize, the guy who followed for days and worked to steer her into the alley with a knife. But she suspected everyone before her as a potential problem.

Eva recognized Simon Richardson from her online research. She was surprised when she discovered he was someone roughly her age—not an old man in charge of relics seemingly as old as him. When he entered the hotel, Eva signaled him over, but didn’t stand to greet him. He extended his hand.

“Eva?”

She nodded, and he took a seat at the small table on the opposite side.

Eva began the conversation with, “I want to preface this by saying if you do anything I don’t like, I’ll scream.”

“Are you okay?” Simon said.

“Sort of. Not really. It’s been a strange few days.”

“If it would help to meet tomorrow at the museum, I understand.”

“No,” Eva said. “The way things have been going, the sooner the better. Before I show you the bracelet, I want you to know some things. And they’re gonna sound like I’m making it up.”

“Okay…”

“What would you say if I told you this bracelet has given me powers? And what would you say if I told you I’ve been followed—and even attacked—in recent days since finding it? And…what would you say if I told you an old man from an ancient order contacted me about turning it over to them, but then some businessman just offered me a million dollars for it on my way to the lobby? And what would you say if I told you I don’t know who the hell I can trust—even you?”

Simon composed himself before speaking. “I would say the British Islands have always been a place of legends—but in all my years study, working in the field, and curating—I’ve never had reason to believe the validity of those kinds of stories. I’d say there are thieves who only see a relic’s worth who will sometimes resort to force to take something they believe has great monetary value. And yes, there are even people who step forward and offer to buy certain things. But this old man you mentioned. Was he tall and bearded? Talks about an ancient order of the boar?”

“Yes! Do you know him?”

“I’ve met him,” Simon said. “I don’t believe his wilder claims, but he has given the museum several pieces. And the provenance on them indicates he and the group to which he claims to belong are honest if nothing else.”

“And what about you? Are you honest?”

“Were I not, would I tell you otherwise?”

“Good point,” Eva said.

“I can say with confidence that one does not reach the position I’ve reached in my career by being dishonest. May I see the bracelet please?”

Eva extended her arm and pulled back her sleeve. She looked for any sign on Simon’s face that he had other intentions; that he, too, wanted the relic for his own desires. He leaned forward and took a look; a slight grin appeared on his face.

“It never gets old,” he said.

“So, it’s real?”

“From a cursory glance, yes. I need a closer look at the entire piece.”

“I don’t want to take it off,” Eva said.

“I understand. If you’d like, we can go to the museum. But I will say, were I to take it and run—if you are having the problems you say you’ve been having—you’d at least be free of it. But I promise, I am not here to take it.”

When Eva took the bracelet off her wrist and handed it to Simon, the lobby erupted into a frenzy.

* * *

A man at a far table stood up and shouted, “Now!”

Before Eva and Simon could react, the man who’d been following her for days rushed around a wall near the table and pulled the bracelet from Simon’s hand. As he made his way toward the door with his colleagues, three middle-aged men in suits sitting around a low-set table drinking tea leaped up and tackled him. The bracelet broke free from his grip and bounced along the floor. Cassius Arkwright appeared from around a corner, signaling to the three to form a wall. Before Cassius reached the bracelet, the man who’d offered to buy it ten minutes prior at her hotel room door rushed out from the lobby and grabbed it. He put it on his wrist and shoved Cassius to the side.

“Oh, hell no!” Eva said.

She bolted from her seat in pursuit.

The rest of the Bradford Industries crew rushed out from the lobby. They moved like a football team, blocking others, all in an effort to get their leader to the front doors. The Benevolent Order of the Boar’s and Husk’s men worked together, trying to hold them back, while Eva closed the gap. She had no idea what she would do if she caught up to the man wearing the bracelet. If the two groups doing all they could to stop him were being tossed about, what chance did she have? Eva was caught in the scrum between the opposing forces as Bradford’s leader pushed through the crowd and ran toward the doors.

He was stopped by a middle-aged man holding a blue stone in his left hand.

Eva had worn the bracelet and knew what it felt like to run full speed under its effect. When she ran into the black cab on the night she tested its abilities, it was like the vehicle was barely there. A little more speed, and she would have knocked it sideways across the street. So how could the man with the stone stand like a mountain as the bracelet-wearer bounced off his chest and to the floor?

“Friggin’ Healy!” he said while getting back up.

The distraction gave Eva just enough time to rush up and yank the bracelet from his wrist. She slid it on and shouted, “I’m really tired of all y’all messing with me! You’ve got two choices: get absolutely wrecked by someone so tired of your shit, or leave. I’m sure the cops have been called, and I’m guessing none of you can afford to explain to them why you’ve been messing with me. So, what’s it gonna be, guys?”

The man who offered her money looked at her wrist and turned away. As he passed the man he ran into, he said, “This isn’t over…Gerald!”

The other factions wandered out behind the others and the man with the blue stone, all heading off in different directions once they made it to the street.

Eva looked at Simon standing in the middle of the sitting area of the lobby and wandered his way.

“I’m keeping this thing on until the cops get here, and then it’s all yours. I don’t care about money or attention or anything at this point, all I want right now is a good night’s sleep!”

* * *

Epilogue

Mort Zucker toyed with Eli Husk for two and a half rounds before ending their charity fight with a righteous pummeling and painful submission. Husk’s followers took to social media, making excuses for their hero and demanding a rematch. Zucker accepted, but Husk never responded.

Cassius Arkwright visited Eva’s front door one more time, thanking her for ensuring the bracelet at least found a safe home in the British Museum’s collection. He told her, should she ever find herself in need of the order’s services, to give him a call.

Simon Richardson explained to the authorities what happened in the hotel, but left out any mention of the bracelet’s purported powers. He resisted trying it on before placing it in a case with other items in the Britain and European collection room at the museum.

Cory Bradford’s crew reported back to their boss that they almost secured the bracelet for his collection, but were thwarted by Gerald Healy and a rivalry that began in 1986.

Eva Barrett’s sole mudlarking foray to the Thames River foreshore was enough to never do it again. She finally opted for exploring off-limits places, figuring the risk to her work visa if caught was far better than finding another ancient relic in the mud during low tide.

* * *

[Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks.

Theme music, as always, is by Ergo Phizmiz. Story music was by Hampus Naeselius, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Sound effects are made in-house or from Epidemic Sound and freesound.org. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the show, the voice talent, and the music. Also, for as little as a dollar a month, you can support the show at patreon.com/cgronlund. And technically, I’ve even opened it up to free subscription.

In July, we travel back to the 90s and follow an indie band’s rise to near success…

[Quirky music fades out…]

[The sound of an axe chopping.]

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Intro music plays]

[Woman’s Voice]

This is Behind the Cut with Christopher Gronlund. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.

[Music fades out]

Christopher Gronlund:

Behind the Cut is an in-depth look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks and often contains spoilers from the most recent story. You’ve been warned…

* * *

Clearly, I have a thing for time travel stories.

An earlier Not About Lumberjacks story, “Standstill” deals with stopping time to spend more time with a dying loved one. “Calling Out of Time” is about someone who finds a payphone that allows him to call the past and change his life in another timeline. And the latest story, “It’s Never Too Late,” is about someone who builds a time machine, travels back to 1983, and breaks down.

Why the obsession?

* * *

I could blame the movie Time Bandits, which I saw several times the weekend it came out. But really, what got me with Time Bandits was trying to figure out how one goes about writing a story and getting it on a big screen in a theater—not how to go about traveling through the ages. It was other movies that pulled me in.

When I used to visit my dad in Kansas each summer when I was younger, he had cable TV. I watched the movie Time After Time repeatedly, fascinated by H.G. Wells pursuing Jack the Ripper in modern times.

I can list a ton of other time travel movies I’ve loved over the years: Back to the Future, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Twelve Monkeys, Primer, Donnie Darko, Groundhog Day, the first two Terminator movies, Safety Not Guaranteed, and yeah, even Hot Tub Time Machine!

But what is it about time travel movies that hooks us?

* * *

I think it’s two things:

• One: The intricacies of how time travel works in stories…and seeing if stories break their own rules. There’s often a cleverness involved in time travel tales many find appealing.
• And Two: This is the biggie—we tend to be obsessed with the possibilities offered to us by traveling into the past to “fix” things—or peeking into our futures.

I’ve talked about regret before, and how I’m not one to carry much in my life. Even the bad days and decisions got me to who I am today. But I know people who shoulder the past and would love nothing more than the chance to have a do-over and leave that weight behind.

And the future: who doesn’t want to see if we, as a species, get better…or worse? To see if who we are and what we struggle with today will not always be our story.

* * *

Initially, “It’s Never Too Late” was going to be a bit wacky. Sentimental, but also ridiculous. Albert was going to travel back to 1983, break down, and end up teaching high school or something that put him in touch with his teenage self. He’d help himself navigate his awkward years while also navigating his awkward adult life, where shyness was still an issue. Eventually, he’d reveal to teen Albert that he was him, and somehow, the two would find answers that would better their lives.

But that’s a bit overdone…

Then I thought, “He’s just a guy who gets stuck, lives a different life, and dies.” But the time travel geek in me could not let go of the chance for Albert to meet himself!

Of course, because it’s not a time travel story where a new timeline is created, that meant paradoxes prevented that from happening. Unless…he met himself after he lived long enough to fix the machine and bring his middle-aged self back. (And even then, I’m sure there’s someone out there who would say, “Actually…that couldn’t have happened because…” and give me a list of reasons. (The least of which, creating two Alberts at different ages.)

That’s the thing about time travel stories, though: most don’t make sense under scrutiny. But they still work, and we still love them. The movie Looper’s like, “Yeah, this is just cool, so that’s what we’re gonna do,” putting story before mechanics.

Time travel stories are simply a fun mechanism to write very human stories using a very ridiculous premise.

* * *

The human element in time travel stories is often going back to prevent a loved one from dying—or fixing a mistake in the past. Changing things so the “future” is better. It works because we all have loved ones we miss…and we all have things we’d likely do differently if given a second chance.

But I didn’t want Albert to get a second chance where he could change his past and affect his life back in the future. As appealing as it might sound, there’s something to the mistakes we’ve made along the way. We are who we are because of the paths we’ve been on—bad decisions included.

* * *

When I was younger, I had a very impressive proposition made to me by a great aunt: she was willing to move me to New York City, put me up in an apartment she owned a couple blocks from Central Park for free, and introduce me to people in publishing. (She owned an art gallery in the city and knew a lot of cool people.) If I wanted to go to school, it was on her. When I told her I got terrible grades and was on academic probation from a community college, she said, “Well, I’ve donated quite a bit to several smaller liberal colleges on the East Coast, and if you promise you’ll improve your grades, I’m sure they’ll make an exception.”

When I’ve told this story to a couple people, they said I was nuts for turning down the offer. Their reasoning, in essence: “Think about how much better your life would be!”

But…would it really?

* * *

I’d be lying if I said I never imagined “what might have been?” had I taken my great-aunt up on her generous offer, but when we think like that, we often think only of the good what-ifs. The realist in me also thinks, “Sure, maybe I would have been published by a prestigious house in my 20s, but I’d have probably also become a smug little shit, despite being a caring individual. Maybe I’d not worry about finances today, but I’d hate being one of those people who was given an opportunity by family and thought, ‘Well, if I could do it, so can those lowly poors!”

Given my nature, it’s more likely I’d have worked hard and had decent opportunities, but who can say I’d not have found someone, been in such a rush with a busy life pursuing my golden opportunities, and ended up divorced? Or…stressed to the point of worrying that my next book might be my last?

I know for certain: you would not be listening to this right now, and the stories I write would be nothing like those I share, here, for free. Many of the stories I write are rooted in working a day job while trying to find time for bigger things. They are based on things I know from the life I’ve lived. I think their appeal is they often touch on things we all think about.

I must believe, had a different past been handed to me, that my writing would be typical today. I would have likely focused on writing in college and—to be published at that time (at least through the people I’d likely have been introduced to)—meant writing certain kinds of books. I very well may have become that annoying young New Yorker who wrote about being a young, educated writer in New York City. Maybe I’d have moved on to writing the dreaded, “Oh, look…well off people in a wealthy suburb navigating a divorce and rediscovering who they are,” novel.

The counter argument of course is, “Maybe I’d have written incredible things—possibly full time.”

Living a life of “What Ifs” is not a life well-lived. Learning from mistakes we’d inevitably make, regardless of our experiences, and finding happiness is.

* * *

I know this for certain: I’ve been fortunate to have friends and family who believed in me all these years—and today I have a decent day job that allows me to write whatever I want, with no thought about whether it will be “financially or critically successful” or not.

I’m writing this essay on my lunch break the day after releasing “It’s Never Too Late.” Already, I can tell people in the U.S., Canada, Germany, Romania (Hi, Allexia…I presume), Sweden (Hi, Hamish or Miro, I presume), and France have already listened. More countries will follow in the coming days.

That will always blow my mind!

* * *

I’ve never held a hardback copy of something I’ve written in my hands, but I’ve been married for almost 32 years, have friends I know are my friends because of who I am and not what I might be able to offer them…and—even though editing drives me batty—I  have this nifty little podcast I love. My life isn’t the one I imagined when I was younger, but few lives are. I’m happy and do things I love doing.

A time machine would only ruin a guaranteed good thing…

* * *

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.

Also, for as little as a dollar a month, you can have access to a bigger behind-the-scenes look at Not About Lumberjacks on Patreon. Check out patreon.com/cgronlund if that sounds like your kinda thing.

In May, it’s a story about a mudlark who finds something very strange during low tide…

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!