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Christopher Gronlund presents Hell Comes with Wood Paneled Doors. Read by me, the author, Christopher Gronlund.

CHAPTER TWO

“The Big, Orange Hole in the Ground my Grandma Loved So Dearly”

            “A station wagon?!” Mom said, puffing on a Virginia Slim.  Dad stepped out, not realizing she was ready to drop the gloves and go—in his mind he believed she was complimenting him on the wise purchase of a vehicle that could carry our entire family anywhere his wanderlust desired, in comfort and “style”.  All he needed to do was take one deep look into her eyes to see the intensity of her anger, however.  The woman lived for complaining, but Dad was seemingly immune to the effects of her constant barrage of insults, and totally clueless when it came to realizing the woman he married existed to do little more than eat, gamble, and argue.  I didn’t understand it; he simply loved my mother with all his heart.

            “Isn’t it great?”

            “No!  Where the hell did you find such an ugly thing?” she said, smoothing the wrinkles in her flowered muu-muu, and blowing smoke through her nostrils.  She looked like a fat dragon trapped in the clearance bin at a fabric store. 

            “The used car lot,” Dad said.  “But it’s brand new.”

            “Brand new and ugly.  Take it back!  I don’t want this piece of crap trashing up the driveway.”

            An overweight, chain-smoking woman with a beehive hairdo standing in a front yard full of plastic, pink lawn flamingos and she had the gall to say the car would look trashy in the driveway?  While my father saw the novelty in things like pink flamingos and velvet Elvis paintings, my mother saw them as the pinnacle of high art.  She would be the first to criticize my father for buying tacky, roadside novelties, but she owned more ashtrays from Las Vegas than I had baseball cards!  She collected matchbooks and decks of cards from casinos; velvet paintings—she owned a small army of drinking birds.  I didn’t understand my parent’s relationship until many years later when the obvious finally dawned on me: in Dad’s love of all that was tacky, Mom was the ultimate piece in his collection—he married the Queen of Kitsch!  There was no other way to explain the hell that man endured, but if it worked for them, I suppose that’s what mattered.

            “I’m not taking the car back,” Dad said, defying my mother in a rare moment of bravery.  “I’ve been saving for a car and this is the one I liked best.  Please, let me have this one thing, Mary…” 

He waited for her answer.

            “Are those wood paneled doors?”

            “Yes, they are,” he said proudly; thinking—I’m sure—that she was warming up to the Inferno.  “They don’t make cars like this anymore.  It’s a limited edition.”

            “I’ll say!  You’re probably the only one in the world who buys one, too,” she said.  Then, in her best sarcastic tone, she added, “I’m sure it will be worth millions someday!”     

            Dad turned and locked eyes with Mom—he was going to fight for this one.  As they stared at each other, I sat back, noticing just how different the two were.  My old man was a pretty sharp looking guy.  To look at him, you’d expect my mom to at least be the mother friends came over to sneak a peek at, and maybe even think about when puberty settled in and they discovered themselves.  Dad always reminded me of an actor: he was strapping enough, charming enough, and definitely good looking enough.  He had a quirky manner of speaking, as though he were always stating things to a sidekick; his deep, radio announcer-like voice drove points home.  He had a swagger to his step that bordered on comedic, but to anyone under thirteen, he simply looked badass and tough.  The other mothers in the neighborhood always stopped by and talked with him whenever he did yardwork, which he did sans shirt, wearing only tight jeans and work boots.  As he talked to my playmates’ moms, he looked almost posed, sweat dripping from his chest like the condensation from the glass of iced tea or soda he always had nearby.  Like every thirteen-year-old, I saw my old man and the top of the heap of coolness, but so did my friends; I had the dad every kid only wished they had—the best dad anywhere!

            Why, then, did he marry my mother?

            Mom was what happened when you crossed West Virginia with Atlantic City: she was the walking, talking embodiment of tackiness!  She spit when she talked and interrupted people.  She cursed and told dirty jokes, all while smoking long, pencil-thin cigarettes that she felt made her look glamorous, like a forties movie star.  Whereas Dad’s physical match of a wife could have been a buxom blonde leaning against his well-defined chest on the front of a B-movie poster, Mom’s perfect match, physically, would have been a skinny guy in overalls with a piece of grass wedged between his only two teeth, or some bingo hall owner with slicked back hair and a cheap suit, with aspirations of becoming a Vegas pit boss.

            Mom and Dad met in 1967 when Dad was traveling cross-country.  He wasn’t on a voyage of self-discovery like the scores of hippies traveling at the time—Dad knew what he was looking for.  Armed with an Exakta 35mm camera, a notepad and pen, and the dream of becoming a travel writer, Dad climbed into his second car, a  ’57 Nomad not entirely unlike the Inferno, and set out from his home in Kansas, to drive up the East Coast in search of old sideshows.  While photographing the boardwalk in Atlantic City, he met my mother.

            He was taking pictures along the boardwalk, where she worked in a hotdog stand.  A morning snapping pictures of old hotels, the beach, and piers filled his stomach with an emptiness only the mismatched insides of slaughtered cattle and swine could fill, so he stopped for a hotdog.

            I wonder what it was like the moment they first saw each other—did he look at Mom and think, “This is the woman who will have my children one day!” or did he think, “I wonder if she knows she has a smear of mustard on her chin?”  There had to be something that clicked at that moment…or maybe some people really are destined to be together.    

Dad ordered two hotdogs and a soda.  Mom was always very matter of fact (okay, she was rude!), and rarely made small talk, but she asked, “Where you from?”

            “Topeka, Kansas,” Dad said.

            “What brings you all the way out here?”

            “Just taking pictures.”  Dad was very timid and sold himself short, but there was something about Mom that made him feel special.  “Actually,” Dad said with a hint of confidence, “I’m writing an article about sideshows and boardwalks.”

            “You’re a writer?” Mom said, snapping Dad back to reality.  He wasn’t a writer—he only wished he were. 

“Well, no—not really.  I mean I want to be, but I’ve never written anything.”

Mom smiled at Dad and said something totally unlike her; she said something encouraging!  “Well, everyone’s gotta start somewhere, right?”

Dad smiled.  “Yeah, I guess they do.”  There was something about that plump woman in the hotdog stand spreading relish on his lunch that made him feel invincible. 

 “How much?” Dad asked.

            “Well, if you’ve driven five thousand miles for a hotdog, you shouldn’t have to pay,” Mom said.  Her perception of distance was a bit skewed; she’d only really traveled back and forth between Jersey and West Virginia, and usually slept along the way. 

            “It’s only about twelve or thirteen hundred miles, actually.”

            “Still…that’s quite a drive.” She handed him his hotdogs and drink.  “It’s on the house.”

            “Won’t you get in trouble?”

            “Don’t care if I do.  It’s not like this is my dreamjob,” she said, pointing to a vat full of steaming water and old, flaccid franks.

            Instead of saying “thanks,” Dad summoned the courage to say, “What are you doing after work?” 

            That evening, as they walked along the Steel Pier where Harry Houdini, W.C. Fields, and Charlie Chaplin once honed their skills, and where—in the forties—young couples in love danced to the Big Band sounds of Benny Goodman and the Glenn Miller Orchestra, the first spark of a lifelong love started between Mary Catherine Mangione and James David O’Brien.  A strange love, granted, but love nonetheless.

            They stopped and watched the diving horse.  Growing up in Kansas, Dad had seen his fair share of horses, but he never saw one leap from a sixty-foot tall tower and into a shallow tank of water with a rider pressed to its back.  To Mom, diving horses were as much an everyday thing as people walking their dogs, but to Dad, it was exactly the kind of magic he had left home hoping to find.

            Splash!  Mom and Dad—standing too close to the tank—were covered in foul-smelling water.  Dad thought it was wonderful, but he could tell Mom was far from amused.  She stood on the pier, arms outstretched, looking like an angry, dripping beachball in her red and yellow outfit two sizes too small.

            “Oh, I’m so sorry!” Dad said.  He pulled some napkins from his pocket and handed them to her. 

Instead of yelling, Mom smiled though, wiping her eyes and smearing her mascara so she looked like a two hundred twenty pound raccoon.  “Ya know, I already smell like a hot dog stand—stray dogs follow me home, for chrissake!  What’s a little water, even if it smells like wet horses?” she laughed. 

Dad said he looked in her eyes and knew then and there she was the one.

            Back in the driveway, Mom was the one winning the staring contest (she could outlast a statue with her evil eye), and Dad, hoping to stave off total defeat, said, “I’ll make you a deal…“  He sounded like the greasy salesman at the used car lot.  “We take it on vacation and if it doesn’t grow on you, we take it back.  How’s that sound?”

            “Okay, but I’m telling you right now, James—there’s no way that car’s growing on me.”  Even if the car did grow on her and she ended up loving it just as much as Dad did—just to prove her point and tear away another piece of Dad’s very being—she would insist he take the car back to the lot when we returned from vacation.  She snubbed her cigarette out on a garden gnome in disgust and headed back into the house. 

            Dad stared off in the distance, smirking about something known only to him, then turned his attention back to the Inferno.  He stared at it like it was a newborn child full of potential, then said, “Why don’t you go help your mother with dinner, Buddy?”  .

            “Sure, Dad.”  I went around back, toward the kitchen, allowing Dad a moment to bask in his little victory.

            Dad bought the car just in time for vacation (he wanted to buy it sooner, but Mom kept hounding him, saying we didn’t need a new car—she said the Gremlin had more than enough room to hold her, Dad, my younger brother and sister, my aunt, me, and all our gear for our road trip!).  Dad’s treks were bad enough without being cramped; his annual family vacations were hell packed into a backseat, taking us from the world’s largest Uncle Sam statue, in Lake George, New York, to the La Brea Tarpits, in California, and every roadside attraction, reptile farm, and historical marker in between!  For Dad, a road trip was a chance for the family to bond no matter what—his chance to pretend, at least for a short time, that we were a normal, fully functioning family.  That particular year we would take a twenty-four hundred mile voyage from our home, in New Jersey, to the Grand Canyon, in Arizona.  Going to the canyon was my grandmother’s idea; she loved the place.

            Grandma visited the canyon whenever she had the chance.  My great-grandfather took her when she was young and the canyon bug instantly took hold.  She visited the canyon forty-nine times in her life, and swore she’d visit fifty times before dying.  She used to always say, “Someday you’ll have to visit the Grand Canyon, Mikey.”

            “Why?” I’d ask.

            “Because it’s healing.”

            “It’s a big, orange hole in the ground, Grandma.”

            “A hole?  That’s all you think it is?  You don’t understand.  It’s so much more than that.  It’s healing—“

            “You always say that,” I’d say.  “What do you mean, ‘It’s healing?’”

            She’d stop what she was doing and focus all attention on me, as though I just said something blasphemous.  She’d lock eyes and take my hand in hers, as though she were about to say something important; as though she were about to share with me the secret to life.  I suppose, in her mind, she was. 

“You stand on its edge and something happens,” she’d say.  “I can’t explain it—you have to experience it for yourself.  You stand on the rim and it pulls your soul down to the river for a cleaning, then puts it back with a little bit of itself.  It’s healing, Mikey.  Once you experience it, you’ll go back.  Everyone goes back…”

            Grandma was always my favorite relative (I often wondered how such a peaceful, caring woman had given birth to my mother).  I think what I liked most about Grandma was she truly seemed content with everything around her.  Maybe that sense of calm came from her canyon visits; I don’t know.  I never understood what she meant when she talked about the healing powers of that big hole in northern Arizona, no matter how many times she tried explaining it to me (and believe me, she tried every chance she had).  Whatever she saw in the canyon was beyond my grasp of bigger things when I was younger.  All I knew was the pull to the rim was strong enough to make her head out west whenever she had the chance.  The summer Dad bought the Inferno, we were heading to the canyon, with Grandma…only she was dead!

            She died in the spring—she was only fifty five.  She was on the phone with Mom, talking about her plans for visiting the canyon, when she dropped dead from a brain aneurysm.  She never knew what hit her, but Mom said Grandma knew something was coming (Mom believed my grandmother was psychic, and passed “The Gift” on to her).  Grandma drafted a will that spring and she swore she’d never draft her will until she was at least seventy-five.  Her last wish was to be cremated and have her ashes scattered in the Grand Canyon; her way of giving something back to her old friend, the big, orange hole in the ground.

            I made my way to the back door and into the kitchen, where Mom was making spaghetti sauce.  Looking around the kitchen, one would think she was cooking for an army, instead of just five people.  She didn’t use normal cookware like most mothers; she used stuff purchased from an old friend of the family’s we (even Mom and Dad), called Uncle Mike.  Uncle Mike provided industrial cookware to the restaurant industry: huge, ten-gallon stockpots, blenders that could generate more power than Dad’s old Gremlin, and her favorite piece, a two-and-a-half-foot-long stainless steel sauce ladle.  Mom was never very demonstrative; cooking was her way of showing affection.  In her mind, the more she prepared was a measure of how much she loved us, deep-down, even though she rarely showed it in conventional ways. 

            Mom looked up from her sauce vat—her face drenched with sweat.  “Michael, would you go tell Elvis and Olivia that dinner’s almost ready?”

            “Sure, Ma,” I said.  She looked back at the sauce and I noticed sweat roll from the tip of her nose and fall into the pot.  Still, I would have much rather stood there watching Mom sweat into the food I was about to eat than spending a moment with Elvis and Olivia.

            Elvis and Olivia are my younger siblings, twins who seem to share a strange, psychic link, even to this day.  When they spoke, most times they’d say the same thing in unison, or flip-flop every other sentence.  It still creeps me out—it’s something I’ll never get used to.  But the strange manner in which they spoke was just the first item in a long list that bothered me about them.

            They were evil.  There’s no nicer way to say it.  They reveled in making the lives of those around them utterly miserable.  From family, to teachers, to strangers—they terrorized those around them with their zombie-like stares and strong penchant for mischief.  They weren’t normal mischievous kids, content at making fart noises with their armpits for attention, though—that was below them.  They calculated every move like Russian chess champions, truly appreciating the depths of their malice when a plan came together as plotted.  They didn’t act out of childish curiosity—they acted out of the same cold, calculated cruelty of twisted, would-be world conquerors and serial killers.

            I went upstairs to their bedrooms, which were situated directly across from each other.  They would have shared a room, but Mom felt that was wrong and sick, so they left their doors wide open so they could see into the other’s room (close one door for even a moment and they instantly suffered from separation anxiety).  They pushed all their furniture to the back wall of their rooms so no matter what they were doing, they could stay in constant visual contact.  Regardless of how many times Mom rearranged their furniture, they’d put things back the way they liked them.

            I went to Olivia’s room, first.  She was sitting on her bed, eating from a bag of marshmallows and staring across the hall, into Elvis’s room, where he was doing the same, in mirror image.  Even with me between the two, blocking their view, they just stared at each other, as though I were a pane of glass.  Olivia’s staring was worse than Elvis’s; the way she stared at things with such purpose and intensity, you expected them to levitate, or suddenly burst into flame.  She looked like a creepy doll controlled by evil forces.

            Elvis looked like a tiny version of The King of Rock-n-Roll (during The King’s fatter years).  I would have been named Elvis, but Mom promised Uncle Mike she’d name her first-born after him.  He saved her life with the Heimlich Maneuver one Christmas when she was choking on calamari.  I am forever indebted to Uncle Mike for saving me from such a dreadful name.        

“It’s time for dinner, you two,” I said

            In unison, they said, “Tell us something we don’t already know, four-eyes!”

            “I hate both of you, how’s that?” I returned.

            “We know—we hate you even more…”

            Even though I was three years their elder, they genuinely scared me.  “Well, I’m just telling you what Mom wanted me to tell you,” I said.  I turned and walked off.  A few moments later I heard them say, “He’s so weird,” as they filed out from their rooms together, like robots.

*          *          *

            Watching my family eat dinner, one would think we were never fed.  The twins shoveled bite after bite into their mouths as though they were racing.  They barely chewed what went in, and that which they chewed was done with an audible, open-mouthed smacking.  My mother slurped spaghetti like a kid, the ends of the pasta flailing about like tentacles and slapping the outsides of her mouth and face before finding their way into her maw.  The sauce splatters looked like an extension of the quickly applied, bright red lipstick she always wore.  Dad at least didn’t make noise, but he ate as though each meal could be his last.  He had a quiet way of eating faster than anyone at the table, so he was usually the first one done each evening.  Me, I rarely had an appetite while watching Mom and the twins belch and gurgle their way through a meal, so I picked at my plate until Dad was finished and I could rush off to help him with the dishes. 

            As sloppy an eater as my Mom was, it drove her nuts that my brother and sister were sloppier.  She was a far cry from being Miss Manners herself, but she expected better from us. 

            “Youse two, close your mouths when you eat!  Where’d you get those manners… cows?!” she said with a full mouth dripping with pasta and bread.  Instead of listening to Mom, the twins defied her by rolling their food around on their tongues and letting it spill onto their plates.  Mom acted like she was going to get up.

            “Don’t you two make me get the sauce ladle!” she said, spitting tiny pieces of dinner everywhere.  The twins closed their mouths and quickly behaved.

            My mother always threatened to hit us with the sauce ladle whenever we were bad.  I can’t remember ever being hit by either of my parents, but the thought of her meaty arms swinging a two-and-a-half foot long kitchen utensil was always enough to set the twins straight.

            As loud as the three of them were when they ate, there was one other family member who put us all to shame.  Over their grunts and belches, he was heard chewing on a fork at Mom’s feet.  That’s when Dad asked the question burning in everyone’s mind: “Mary.  Dear.  What are we going to do about Lucky?”

            Lucky was Mom’s pet Chihuahua.  He was 2,358 pounds of absolute evil packed into a three-pound body!  His head looked like a tiny bruised apple with black marble eyes, fleshy bat ears, and razor sharp shark’s teeth.  Lucky shredded everything in the house not belonging to Mom—as though he consciously knew what havoc he was wreaking on our belongings, while sparing hers.  Mom babied him more than she ever babied any of us.  She wouldn’t allow a soul to say bad things about the tiny beast; even if he shredded something important (like homework, papers in Dad’s briefcase, or our shoes), we were expected to act as though we loved him as she did.  Couple that with a variety of health issues (stomach problems, rheumatism, and asthma, to name a few), and it’s easy to see why everyone but Mom hated the dog.   

            When I say his head looked like a bruised apple, I’m serious; Lucky’s biggest health issue was the fontanel on the crown of his head.  Chihuahuas, like humans, are born with a soft spot.  Normally, the skull grows together, but in some cases, the dogs go through adulthood with a section of their brain protected only by a thin membrane of skin and short fur.  This condition is known as a molera.  To shield his brain from danger, Mom carried Lucky cradled on her left forearm, with her right hand covering his head.  It was like she believed the moment she left the top of Lucky’s head exposed for even a millisecond, everything from bricks and cueballs, to pinballs and shotputs would rain down from the sky and bruise his delicate little brain.  When any of us came within ten feet of her precious Chihuahua, she’d scream, “Be careful with him!  For God’s sake, don’t touch his molera!”  Elvis once poked the top of Lucky’s head and had he not been faster than Mom, I think I would have grown up with only a younger sister.

            As much as Mom worried about Lucky’s molera, it didn’t stop her from using it to her advantage.  She discovered when she pushed in at just the right place on his brain, he froze, momentarily paralyzed until she let up.  It was like an on/off switch allowing her to control the little beast’s temper whenever he got out of hand.

Perhaps the main reason Mom was so protective of Lucky was she believed he was sent to her with a purpose: to make her rich.  The day Mom bought him, she won a thousand dollars on a lottery scratch-off, and the following weekend at the casinos, she came in big on the slots.  She attributed her luck with the purchase of the dog, so she named him Lucky.  The only thing lucky about him was the rest of us hadn’t put him to sleep!

Mom looked across the table at Dad; she was worried.  “What about Lucky?”

            We can’t take him with us,” Dad said.  “He’s got his stomach problem and all.”

            The twins flip-flopped, “Yeah-he-will-shit-and-puke-on-everything.”

            “Youse two, watch your fuckin’ language!  I don’t know where you picked up that shit!” Mom said.  The twins laughed and Mom pretended like she was going to stand again.  “Don’t make me get the ladle—!”

            They straightened right up. 

            “I’m not leaving this house to travel halfway around the world without him,” she said.  “Especially the way you drive, James.  I’m gonna need all the luck I can get on this trip.  He’s coming with us—no one will take care of him while we’re gone.  You should have thought of something sooner—“

            “We could take him to a no-kill shelter!” I said. The twins nodded their heads in agreement; the first time they were ever on my side.  “We can say we found him in the street, then pick him up when we get back.”

“Something tells me even a no-kill shelter would make an exception in Lucky’s case,” Dad said.  As much as he liked my idea, he was very pragmatic; he knew if we returned to a dead Lucky, Mom would never let any of us live it down.  “There’s gotta be something we can do, though…”

            Mom picked up the little ball of hate.  Around his mouth, Chihuahua slobber mixed with blood from cutting his gums on the fork, making him look like he was eating cotton candy.  Mom kissed him on the mouth, not caring about the pink drool.  “Don’t listen to them, Lucky-Wucky.  You’re coming with us.”  She looked at Dad and locked eyes again.  “He’s coming with us, James.”

            Dad stood up, leaving his plate behind.  “Okay, Mary, he can come along on the trip!  But I’m keeping the car, no matter what you think of it.  Deal?”

            “Deal!” she said while letting Lucky lick spaghetti sauce from the corners of her mouth.  She was in rare form and I couldn’t take anymore—she and Lucky were making me ill!

            “May I please be excused,” I said.

            “Sure,” Mom said.  “And make sure you’re all packed before bed, all right?”

“Okay.”  I grabbed my plate and my father’s, cleaned them, and went to my room.

* * *

Surf music plays. A male voice says:

Thank you so much for listening to Hell Comes with Wood Paneled Doors–it really means a lot to me.

Theme music is provided by Belgium’s best surf band, Pirato Ketchup.

And if you want to know a little bit more about me and the other things I do, check out ChristopherGronlund.com.

Stay safe, and take care…

[Listen]

Surf music plays. A male voice says:

Christopher Gronlund presents Hell Comes with Wood Paneled Doors. Read by me, the author, Christopher Gronlund.

FOREWORD

            Everything you are about to read is true.  When I was a kid, vacations with my family were a living hell.  One year, the hell that was our annual family vacation was taken to a new level; this is the story of that trip.

            Now that I’m older, I’ve gone back and interviewed all parties involved, hoping to make some sense of what really happened.  I present to you, here, the tale of that trip.  It may sound like I’m taking liberties with this story—that I’m embellishing what really happened—but I assure you, as far-fetched as this may sound, it’s the God’s-Honest Truth!

Michael O’ Brien

May 26, 2014

Atlantic City, NJ

CHAPTER ONE

“Into the Inferno”

            I’ll never forget that car; I’ll never forget the day Dad took me to “Smiling Sam’s Used Car Lot.”

            “The price.  It’s a little steep,” Dad said, looking at the $21,000 sticker.

            The car was a throwback to the days when fins and chrome ruled, a fire engine red behemoth of a station wagon that looked like it could fly!  It reminded me of a concept car from the fifties—I could envision it in an old black and white news clip, slowly spinning on a giant turntable with a model behind the wheel at some auto show, while a deep-voiced announcer boomed, “The car of future is here today!”  Dad wanted that car more than he ever wanted anything, I could see it all over his face.  So could the salesman.   

            “You won’t find another car like this one, pal,” the salesman said, stroking his pointed goatee.  I didn’t trust him.  I hated his red suit and the way he slicked his dark hair back, bringing even more attention to the widow’s peak pointing down at his long forehead and thin nose.  His shirt was opened wide, showing off a bed of chest hair so coarse, one could scrub pots and pans clean on it, like steel wool.  He smelled like matches and his stale hair pomade reeked like gear oil.  He rolled a toothpick around in his mouth—it looked like it was hovering just above his lips, and it clacked against his yellowed teeth as he passed it from one corner of his malicious grin to the other.  “This car’s decked out with a lot of old-style goodies,” he said, scratching the back of his hand.  Tiny bits of skin flaked off and scattered on the breeze.  “Look at those wide fenders and big white walls.  All that and it’s got more amenities than the cutting edge cars rolling out of Detroit today!  This beauty does everything you could imagine.  Hell, it does even more than everything you could imagine!”

            He knocked on the door—if nothing else, the car sounded as solid as stone.  “And that’s real, Honest-to-God wood paneling there!  You don’t see that anymore, ya know?”

            “No, you sure don’t,” Dad said, already falling for the salesman’s spiel.  Dad would buy anything pushed his way by a silver-tongued salesperson: our house was full of slicers and dicers, miracle space-age cleaning solutions, and pocket fishing poles purchased from late-night TV ads.  Our front hall closet was piled high with plastic and chrome vacuum cleaners purchased from door-to-door salesmen who totally ignored the NO SOLICITORS sign Mom put up, hoping to save Dad (and the family pocketbook), from their constant assault.  My old man may have been one of the few people in the country who genuinely believed “JAMES O’BRIEN MAY HAVE ALREADY WON ONE MILLION DOLLARS!” when he read mail-order sweepstakes envelopes.  Mom finally hid all the credit cards from him (never mind she probably spent more money on cigarettes, lottery scratch-offs, and Atlantic City slot machines than he did on impulse buys, but any chance to be self-righteous and knock Dad down a notch made her day).  Somehow, though, Dad always found a way to buy things he really didn’t need.  His one saving grace was a frugal streak—at least he rarely paid full retail for things.  “That price,” he said to the salesman.  “It’s a little more than I wanted to pay…”

            “Oh, I think we can work something out,” the salesman said, ruffling my hair.  His long fingernails raked across my scalp, sending a cold bolt down my spine.  He may have known how to play a man like my father, but he wasn’t fooling me.  “Look, I can tell you aren’t one to BS, or buy into a load of crap,” he said to Dad.  “You know cars and know exactly what you want, right?  No one’s ever gonna sell a guy like you something you don’t want, so I won’t even try.  We both know that price is too much, even for a gem like this.  You appreciate this car and I want to see you drive out of here in it.”

            He put his hand on Dad’s shoulder.

            “I’ll let you in on a little secret.  My boss upped the price on this baby.  I’m sure that’s no surprise to you—it’s how we make our money, but even I think he raised it too high and I’m not in the business of ripping people off.  I’ll make you a deal…”

            Anytime someone in a cheap, red suit says, “I’ll make you a deal,” run the other way as fast as you can!  I was only thirteen and knew better, but Dad never learned that lesson.  The year before, he bought a condo on the beach near Galveston, Texas—it was, in the words of the salesman who sold him the plot over the phone, “A deal too good to be true!”  Of course, it was too good to be true.  The property was still contaminated by the oil spill of the Burmah Agate a few years prior, and the tiny shack of a “condo” on the property was still drying out from Hurricane Alicia.  But Dad, ever the optimist, told Mom the exact same thing the salesman said to him: “It may look bad now, but once it’s cleaned up, it’ll be a dream come true!”             

“I’m in the business of putting people in cars and making dreams come true,” the salesman said, removing the toothpick from his mouth and examining it.  He saw something on the end, licked it from the point, and then popped the toothpick back into his mouth.  “How’s this: I’ll go tell my boss you’re driving a hard bargain and won’t go a penny above sixteen-k, including your trade-in.  He was talking just this morning about how he wanted to sell this one-of-a-kind masterpiece by the end of the day and I think he’ll let it go.  You should have this beauty parked in your driveway inside an hour.  How’s that sound to ya?”

            “Perfect!” Dad said.

            “Good, good.  I’ll go talk with him and be back with the papers in a jiffy!”

            I watched the salesman head into the building.  Everything about him, from the way he talked to the way he walked, was wrong.  He seemed like the kind of guy who would sell his own mother’s kidneys if he thought it would put cash in his pocket.

            Dad didn’t know what to think.  He looked at me, hoping for approval.  “So…do you like it, Michael?”

            “It’s neat, Dad,” was all I could say.  He knew that used car lot was the last place in the world I wanted to be.  I would have rather been forced to stay in Dad’s Gulf Coast condo for weeks, with all the water damage and shoddy wiring, than wait ten minutes for the salesman’s return.

            “What’s wrong?” Dad said.

            “That guy gives me the creeps.”

            “That’s just the way salesmen are.  They get desperate and try pretending they’re your friend.  It’s just one of those silly games adults play.”

            “Okay,” I said, still not buying it.  “He’s creepy.”

            “I agree,” Dad said.  “But look at this car!”  He ran his hands across the body, feeling every smooth curve and detail.  I never saw Dad look at something with such pure, unbridled delight; it was like that car was made specifically for him, and the devil be damned if he wasn’t going to be the first on the block to own one!  Lost in a memory, he smiled and said, “It’s got fins just like my first car!  It’s got fat tires just like my first car!  And I bet it’s even got power to burn under the hood just like my first car.”

            I thought about what the salesman said, about how he was in the business of selling dreams.  That car was a dream come true in my father’s eyes—a dream too good to be true, but he didn’t see it. 

            “What kind of car is it?” I said, catching my old man off guard.

            “Hmm…you know something, I don’t know.”

            Right there, I should have known something was wrong.  My father may have owned multiple sets of Ginsu Knives bought in the heat of the moment, but when it came to cars, he knew the names of models months before they were released to the public.  He could name all the parts and tell you everything you wanted to know about what made them go.  He knew the prices: from what it cost to build the car, to what the dealer paid, and what a consumer could expect to fork over.  For him to not know the name, or at least ask…there was definitely something wrong, although I couldn’t put my finger on it.

            My father wandered around to the back of the car.  “Oh, here’s the name,” he said.  “It’s an Inferno.  Never heard of them.”

            “There’s something weird about this Dad.”

            “You’re right, kiddo—that is pretty strange,” he said in a moment of clarity.  “A car like this, you’d think I would have read about it.  I’ll ask the guy for more info when he comes back.”

            A few minutes later I saw the salesman heading our way, papers in hand, with a Cheshire grin plastered on his face like he was about to take something that didn’t belong to him. 

            “There he is,” I said.  He walked up to my father and put his hand back on his shoulder.

            “I had to fight with my boss a little, but he came down to sixteen-k, just like you wanted.  How’s that grab you,” he said, tightening his grip on Dad’s shoulder.

            “Oh…that’s wonderful,” he said.

            “Dad!”

            The salesman looked at me, sneering with sharp, yellow teeth.  Had he been able to get away with it, I’m sure he would have gutted me where I stood and tossed me to the side, saved for further abuse when it better suited him.  “Is there something wrong?” he said.  “I really stuck up for you two in there.  My boss is as tough as they come, but I’m not afraid to put my neck out to put someone in a car they love.”  He turned to Dad and acted hurt.  “What, is sixteen-k not good enough for ya, pal?  I thought we had a deal…”

            “No, it’s perfect,” he said.  “Just what I wanted.”

            “Good.  You look like a man of your word, but for a second there, I thought you were gonna try scratching the sticker down even more.  I’m gonna have a hard time making rent this month with as much as I got knocked off for you.”      

“I appreciate that,” Dad said.

            I wasn’t about to let the salesman take advantage of my old man.  I gave him my best wise guy grin and said, “Why is a brand new car on a used car lot?”

            The salesman was ready, though—he was determined to beat me and put Dad in the driver’s seat of that station wagon.  “It’s the brand new Inferno, the only one offered in this part of the country.  We were chosen as a test market, kid.  My boss knows some people, so we lucked out and got the only one on the East Coast.  By next summer, you’ll be seeing these everywhere.”

            That wasn’t good enough for me.  “My Dad’s never heard of it, though.”

            The salesman patted my father’s shoulder and said, “Sure he has, right James?”

            “Right!” Dad said.  “The beauty of this baby lies under the hood, Michael.”

            He popped the hood while the salesman kept his grip.  The huge engine was a sight to behold, a massive chunk of American steel painted red with a chrome air filter cover that reflected and distorted our faces as we stared in awe.

            “It’s got a classic four-twenty-six Hemi engine with factory superstock crossram intake and two seven-sixty Holley four-barrel carbs,” Dad said, as though he were trying to sell me the car.  “Combine that with a seven-twenty-seven push-button, automatic transmission and power everything and you’ve got yourself quite a ride.”  He looked at the salesman for approval.  “And I think it even has a classic-styled doorgate in the back, complete with power windows, right?”

            “It sure does,” the salesman said.  “You do know your cars!”

            The salesman slammed the hood shut and set the paperwork down on top.  His hand returned to Dad’s shoulder when he said, “Ready to sign?”

            “I sure am!” Dad took the pen from the salesman’s sports coat pocket without even asking.  The salesman pointed a cracked fingernail at the line where Dad’s John Hancock was needed.  I couldn’t believe it; I couldn’t let it happen.

            “Wait!” I shouted, raising the ire of the salesman again.  He looked like he wanted to pick me up by the hair and toss me into traffic.  “Aren’t you going to read the contract first, Dad?”

            The salesman was tired of my interruptions.  “It’s just the usual contract, kid!” he hissed.  He turned his attention to Dad, who was far more receptive than I was.  In a calm voice he said, “It’s just the payment info, the terms of the warranty, trade-in information…the usual.  It’s not like you’re signing away your soul.”

            I froze as Dad signed “James O’ Brien” on the line and sealed the deal.  The salesman gave Dad his duplicate copy and quickly pocketed the original.  Then he looked at me, winked, and spit his toothpick at my feet—he walked away the winner of the little battle Dad never even noticed was fought.

            “And you have the down payment?”

            “Yes,” Dad said, pulling out his checkbook, eager to complete the transaction.  I watched him fill out a check and hand it over.  I didn’t know what was wrong; I only knew I wanted to hit the salesman with a low blow to the groin, grab the check, and run like hell, screaming for Dad to follow me to safety.  But had I acted on my urges, what was about to happen in the following weeks would never have occurred.  In August of 1984, that station wagon became the O’Brien family’s savior!

            The salesman opened the door for Dad and handed him the keys.  He seemed in a hurry to get rid of us now that the deal was closed.  “She’s all yours, pal!  Ready?”

            “Just a sec.  There’s something I need to get from the old car,” Dad said. 

            He jogged over to his old, yellow, ‘74 Gremlin and cleaned out the glove compartment, stuffing his pockets full of the maps, napkins, and papers contained within.  He started trotting back, but stopped and turned back for the plastic Virgin Mary on the dashboard.  It wasn’t that my father was a religious man; he simply reveled in all that was tacky.  His weakness for buying useless stuff reached new heights when it came to cheap trinkets like wind-up chattering teeth, rubber gorillas, and plastic religious figures.  Few things are tackier than a plastic Virgin Mother leading the charge on the dash of an old American Motors Corporation masterpiece, like the Gremlin.  With a gentle tug, she came free and Dad trotted back our way.

            “Almost forgot this,” he said, holding the figurine up toward the salesman, who was visibly disturbed by its presence.  The salesman stepped back and away from the figure—Dad handed it to me.  “You want to do the honors, Buddy?”

            “Sure,” I said, taking the Blessed Virgin and climbing into the front seat of the Inferno.  I tried sticking Mary to the dash, but had no luck—she wouldn’t take hold.  I peeled off the fake leather from the Gremlin’s dashboard sticking to the bottom and tried again.  My fingers were sticking together from the cheap adhesive on the figure, but the damn thing wouldn’t stick to the dash, no matter how hard I tried; it was like something was repelling my effort.  I set Mary down and climbed out to tell Dad.

            “Did you get it?” he said.

            “It won’t stick.”

            “Are you sure?”

            “Positive,” I said.

            Dad slid into the front seat to take a look.  I saw him trying to move the figurine on the dash to no avail.  He poked his head out and said, “What do you mean it won’t stick?  It’s like she’s fused to the dashboard!”

            I climbed into the car as Dad shook the salesman’s hand and said goodbye.  I poked the Mary figurine and Dad was right—it wouldn’t budge!  I took a closer look and noticed the dash was faintly melted where Mary sat; she had won the first round.  Dad climbed back in, started the car, which turned over in a menacing roar of power beneath the hood, and we were on our way.  The salesman waved goodbye to me as we drove off, but I didn’t return the courtesy—even though I was an atheist, I felt more at ease staring at the figurine.

*          *          *

            The ride home was incredible—the car had everything imaginable!  The dash looked like the cockpit of a fighter jet, covered in switches, dials, and levers.  A big compass reminding me of a snow globe sat at the helm, beside the Virgin Mother.  The wood and chrome theme adorning the car’s body extended inside, and it really did have everything you could want—and more—just like the salesman promised.  It had cup holders that held far more than a standard commuter mug; anything shy of a gallon jug of milk was easily secured within arm’s reach.  The radio had an old fashioned dial that glided with ease when turned, and even in the sun’s glare you could easily make out what station you were tuning in.  Dad was overjoyed when he noticed the radio had not only a cassette player, but also an eight track deck to boot!  He would be able to assault us with choice cuts from his collection of bad eight-tracks: Ray Stevens, Boxcar Willy, and enough trucker tunes to make even Red Sovine want to claw his eyes out.  Yep, that car had every amenity imaginable, and enough foot and headroom that even Magic Johnson could stretch out in comfort.  I could tell Dad felt like a little kid, comfortably nestled in the oversized, cushy seats, while still having full access to everything a gadget-hound like him needed.  He ran his hand across the dash, almost in tears.

            “It’s beautiful, isn’t it, Michael?”

            “Yeah, Dad.  It’s neat.”

            He pointed to all the shiny dials and buttons.  “Look at everything.  I don’t know what they all do, but I’m dying to find out.  Why don’t you pull something, just for kicks?”

            I flipped a switch in front of me—the glove compartment popped open.  Dad took a quick glance, struggling to keep his eyes on the road instead of all the gadgets calling to him.  Something in the glove compartment caught his eye.  “Is that the owner’s manual?” he said, pointing.

            On top of some papers, a small red and black book with the Inferno logo poked out.  The cover of the manual was rather plain, displaying a black and white line drawing of the car, and some text.  “Looks like it,” I said.

            “What’s it say beneath the logo?” Dad was now paying more attention to the glove compartment’s contents, than the road ahead.

            I grabbed the book and read aloud: “‘And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.  Revelation: Thirteen-One.’”

            “I wonder what that’s supposed to mean?” Dad said.

            “It’s from The Bible.”  

            “I know that,” he said.  “I’m just wondering why it would be on the cover of the owner’s manual.”

            “Don’t know.”

            “Weird.  We’ll have to hide it from your mother.  She’d crap if she saw that.”

            “Yeah.”

            Mom would have done far more than crap if she came across an owner’s manual quoting The Book of Revelation.  Mom made up for my total lack of religion, and Dad’s lax religious ways.  She was a superstitious, Italian Catholic who infused the faith with her own fears and anxieties.  Where Dad saw humor in things like plastic religious figures, prayer candles, and other tacky, religious collectibles, Mom saw them as a gift of God, sent down to protect the common man from Evil’s sinister and tempting grip.  Had Mom accompanied us to the car lot, she not only would have pulled Dad away at first sight of the salesman, but she would have returned with an army of priests, ready to do battle.  As religious as she appeared on the surface, however, I don’t think she fully grasped the lessons taught in a lifetime of Sunday masses.  She slanted Catholicism to suit her needs: she invoked Christ’s name whenever she needed luck at bingo, used God’s wrath as a scare tactic against me and my younger siblings, and felt that God had given her the power to personally damn anyone who annoyed her in the slightest manner straight to hell.  Was it any wonder I couldn’t buy into the whole religion thing?   

            I thumbed through the owner’s manual the last few blocks before reaching the house.  Page after page was filled with passages from Revelation.  Alongside directions for changing the oil, a description of a blood-red sea where all shall die; beside instructions for filling windshield wiper fluid, a message that Babylon has fallen; and if you wanted to learn how to add radiator fluid, you couldn’t do so without reading about Death riding a pale horse, first.             Dad was right, if Mom saw the owner’s manual, she’d lose it.  I shoved it deep within the glove compartment, under all the papers Dad transferred from the Gremlin and his pockets.  When we pulled into the driveway, Mom was waiting.  She took one look at the Inferno and was ready for a fight.

* * *

Surf music plays. A male voice says:

Thank you so much for listening to Hell Comes with Wood Paneled Doors–it really means a lot to me.

Theme music is provided by Belgium’s best surf band, Pirato Ketchup.

And if you want to know a little bit more about me and the other things I do, check out ChristopherGronlund.com.

[Listen]

[Intro music plays]

[Woman’s Voice]

This is Behind the Cut with Christopher Gronlund. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.

[Music fades out]

Christopher Gronlund:

Behind the Cut is an in-depth look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks and likely contains spoilers of the most recent story. You’ve been warned…”

* * *

The world is burning, and we’re all overworked and busy. At least it feels that way sometimes.

It’s seemed amplified in recent years: a world-wide pandemic, a change in the way many of us have worked…and those who don’t have the luxuries some of us have in our jobs, forced to risk their health and lives to make ends meet. (Or quit and figure out a new way to survive.)

At first, there were almost whimsical articles about how we’d all have time to write that novel…or do other things we always told ourselves we’d do…if only we had the time. But time is a weird thing when you see people getting sick and dying, and many of those people who told themselves they’d get to that passion project after their sourdough bread was done never did.

There’s no shame in that.

* * *

This might seem a rather maudlin way to open a behind-the-scenes look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks, but if you’ve listened enough, you know Behind the Cut sometimes isn’t even about the episodes. As we look ahead to a new year, it’s natural to wonder what lies ahead…especially in a time when we’ve become used to not being as sure about things as it may have seemed we were before COVID and other things hit.

Last year was a productive year for Not About Lumberjacks. Listenership practically doubled, and especially near the end of 2021, episodes flowed. What’s easy to forget is that I didn’t release a thing until June, when “A Deathly Mistake” saw a return to regular stories.

I was writing, but like so many other people, finishing things seemed exhausting. Granted, I was also working on a contract basis after being unemployed for much of 2020, when the COVID pandemic started. A novel I had been shopping around demanded more time than short stories…until querying ran its course, and I went into the annual writing retreat with a friend in May knowing everything I’d written toward as an adult had changed.

The book I felt was my best shot at traditional publication had more partial and full manuscript requests than anything else I’d ever submitted—some by agents I dreamed about representing me—but was ultimately rejected with the typical response I often get: “This is wonderful—you’re a good writer, and this is an ambitious project—but…I’m not sure how I’d market this…”

And I get it: looking at the stories I’ve shared on Not About Lumberjacks, there’s no real unifying element…other than everything’s written by me. One month, I’m sharing a ridiculous story about friends fighting a demon made whole by the torments of their younger days…and then we’re in the woods of East Texas chasing an ivory-billed woodpecker. Hell, this year’s Christmas episode was all over the place.

So, it’s not surprising that once fantastic elements creeped into an otherwise literary novel I was shopping around that agents stepped away. (That, and just like the rest of us—many agents were overwhelmed by the state of the world; in fact, some later discussed how they ended up behind on things and did their best just to stay afloat. Taking care of existing clients in a changing world was hard enough without wading through queries on top of everything else.)

And because the novel that was passed on is the first in a series—and I am one more into writing what I love than what I think might sell—I’m not willing to set that story aside and write something more commercial.

* * *

I thought I was going to be depressed when the end came to submitting A Magic Life. I almost prepared for it, but it never came. And then I thought, “Well…give it time, it will…”

It’s not that I felt nothing when that end presented itself, but…I think part of the reason it didn’t hit so hard is I have Not About Lumberjacks.

* * *

There’s no other way I’d prefer to pay the bills than writing fiction. A perfect day for me is waking up and writing; then, puttering about after Cynthia wakes up, and hiking after breakfast. A nice lunch and then…more writing.

Writing novels was always the dream, but I also know most people who set out to write fiction full time never do. Some of the greatest writers who lived, who are alive right now, and who will write in the future do it all while maintaining a day job.

That’s another reason I think A Magic Life coming to an end didn’t hit like I expected: I have a good job. It’s obviously not what I prefer doing, but I work with a great group of people at a company that provides the most security I’ve ever had on my own.

Between work and knowing I can ultimately release A Magic Life (and all that follows) on Not About Lumberjacks, it was all a bit easier to take.

* * *

Last May was the first writing retreat with my friend, Deacon, that I didn’t work on A Magic Life. I worked on “A Deathly Mistake” for Not About Lumberjacks instead.

It’s not surprising that once I looked at traditional publication as a thing that wasn’t going to happen for me, I turned to the one thing I can count on when it comes to writing stories: this show.

No matter how weird or hard life might be at a given time (and the past couple years have definitely been different), I’m usually able to write and record a story for the show.

Even when the demands of my day job take priority, I can still find time to eke out the weird little tales I tell.

The end of 2021 was not just productive for Not About Lumberjacks, but “A Deathly Mistake,” “Calling Out of Time,” “Milkboy,” and “In Cypress Slough,” are among my favorite stories on the site. And they were all written when I was facing down the end of a work contract (and possible unemployment again), and then…while starting a full-time position in September.

* * *

I understand the past couple years have been a rough time to be creative. Some days, it’s enough just to get out of bed and make it through the day.

I spent most of the COVID pandemic hovering: waiting to see if this virus could be defeated and…waiting to hear back from agents if they were interested in the best book I’ve written to date.

It was agonizing at times…especially when the interest was there for A Magic Life, and it seemed like something more might finally happen with it.

But sometimes things don’t work out like we hope. A Magic Life faced rejection, and COVID rates began to climb again. Sitting still is good for only so long; it became clear to me that waiting longer wasn’t going to change anything. So, I wrote and recorded a story about Death collecting the wrong person, and that kicked off a great half a year of writing during a busy and turbulent time.

* * *

I don’t know what 2022 holds. I hope it’s the year COVID becomes a thing we largely tame with an annual vaccination, like the flu. I hope it’s the year people get back to selling books in person and that those sending stories around the traditional way see great things happen with them. And, of course, I hope those doing things on their own have a great year as well.

I do know—at least for me—that it’s possible to write and record stories I love during busy and choppy times. Six or seven episodes in 2022 is the goal for me, no matter how busy life gets. The time is there for the effort if I claim it, and the effort ensures there’s time—it’s a good cycle for me, and definitely one of the bigger things I plan to focus on in 2022.

Thank you for coming along…

* * *

And thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.

After writing and recording five episodes in seven months (well, eight stories if you factor in the recent Christmas episode), I’m taking January off. I have plenty of stories in various states of readiness, so we’ll all see what comes along in February…and the rest of 2022.

I hope we all have a great year, in spite of anything that may get in the way…

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Sound of an ax chopping wood. Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

I want to make one thing perfectly clear: this show is not about lumberjacks…

My name is Christopher Gronlund, and this is where I share my stories. Sometimes the stories contain truths, but most of the time, they’re made up. Sometimes the stories are funny—other times they’re serious. But you have my word about one thing: I will never—EVER—share a story about lumberjacks.

This time, it’s the now-annual Christmas episode. For 2021, it’s three stories…or four, depending how you look at it. And one of them features a character from a previous tale…

And now, the usual content advisory…

Some of the stories in this year’s Christmas episode contain violence, loss of loved ones, arguing, mention of affairs, corporate crime, car accidents (in fact, if you’re driving, be aware that the last story—“Drifted”—contains sounds of a single-car wreck), wilderness survival, mention of smoking and alcohol consumption, and—of course—swearing. You’ve been warned.

All right—let’s get to work…

* * *

Stories of Fine Taste

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS AS A CROWD APPLAUDS

MALE HOST

Welcome back to the holiday edition of Stories of Fine Taste, the show that shares the tales behind all your favorite recipes.

FEMALE HOST

[High pitched laughter.] Yes! We’re getting closer to a wonderful Christmas treat, but first: a recipe that will make you miss the warm days of summer picnics…

* * *

NARRATOR

Grandma’s Olive Jell-O Mold

SOOTHING MUSIC FADES IN.

NARRATOR

I always loved summers and the family gatherings that came with them. I can still see and smell tables full of food out back at Uncle Bud’s house in the hills, where we gathered for annual family reunions. I was amazed those tabletops didn’t break under the weight of such a beautiful bounty. But there was one dish my cousins and I always had a tough time with: Grandma’s Olive Jell-O Mold.

This is the story of the summer we all came to love it…

As much as I loved the food at family gatherings, the best part was seeing all my cousins in one place. As the adults drank lemonade and cold canned beer, we kids ran wild with no calls to be careful. The only rule the adults insisted we follow was to never to go back into Kirkland’s Holler.

Of course, during that fateful summer, that’s exactly what we did…

Kirkland’s Holler was a dark place between two hills on the back side of our family’s birthright lands. Even in the heat of summer, the leaves of fall never seemed to clear out, despite the constant wind racing through that gap. It was the year I read The Hobbit in school, and I can say with every confidence that Mirkwood had nothing on those woods in West Virginia.

EERIE MUSIC FADES IN:

NARRATOR (CONT.)

It was cold back there, but not just a chilling wind against our bare arms and legs—this was spectral ice boring deep into everything we were, something dark stirring in the minds of six innocent children.

Our oldest cousin started it by picking up a stick and hitting cousin Ronnie across the back. None of us—not even cousin Ronnie’s parents—liked him all that much. So, when the youngest of us, my seven-year-old cousin, Susie, joined in, it was enough to turn us all against Ronnie.

I don’t know which one of us dealt the blow that killed him, but the rock I wielded in my two hands was slick with Ronnie’s thoughts by the time the cold wind stopped and we came to our senses. We covered Ronnie’s body with stones and then washed up in Miller’s Creek on the way back to the family reunion. For some reason none of us could explain, we all went straight to the table with Grandma’s Olive Jell-O Mold. To eat it was to devour our sins against poor Ronnie.

As we gorged ourselves on olives suspended in a cloud of mayonnaise and gelatin, something in the look of all the adults’ eyes told us we weren’t the only ones to kill a cousin back in Kirkland’s Holler and acquire a taste for Grandma’s favorite dish…

Anyway, on to the recipe…

* * *

RETURN TO UPBEAT MUSIC AND APPLAUSE.

FEMALE HOST

Wow! To think, I used to like Jell-O.

MALE HOST

Hey, Marie—did you know gelatin is made out of kneecaps and knuckles?

FEMALE HOST

Why are you like this?

(BEAT)

Anyway, you can find links to all these recipes—and more—on the Stories of Fine Taste website.

(BEAT)

Which brings us to the story behind our final recipe of the day…

* * *

NARRATOR

Fred’s English Muffin Garbage Pizzas

SOOTHING MUSIC FADES IN.

NARRATOR

My parents divorced when I was five and my sister was ten. Every other weekend, we visited our dad (and his roommate, Fred) in the city.

The house my father and Fred shared was like a fort built by kids, a ramshackle place that looked like it could be toppled with one good shove. It consisted of a small mud room where people entered. A bathroom, a kitchen, and a front room rounded out the tiny abode.

There were no bedrooms. My father had a single bed in the mudroom, and Fred slept on the couch in the front room with his cat, Rat. When winter in Chicago settled in, my father slept in the kitchen—where my sister and I slept when we visited. It was like camping, the two of us in sleeping bags on the floor. Once, my dad set up his tent in the kitchen, and we made what Fred called English Muffin Garbage Pizzas in the oven—and roasted marshmallows over a burner on the stove top.

On weekends my sister stayed home, my dad and I huddled together in the mudroom bed, where he’d read Fantastic Four comics to me, and then rub my head until I fell asleep. I slept so soundly on those nights that if I never woke up again, it would not have been a bad way to go.

Even as a kid, I recognized that my father and Fred were broken men. Somehow, existing in the same space together helped the other—and on weekends my sister and I visited, that tiny house was filled with a happiness they seemed to need. We ordered pizza, listened to music, and spent time in the front room reading. Fred and my father told stories, and we played a game called Truth or Lies in which the two made us guess if the stories they told were made up or not. Fred convinced me he could fly during a round of the game. When I asked him to teach me, he shared with me a magazine article about lucid dreaming and said that first, I had to be able to fly in my dreams. It’s only now, looking back on those times, that I realize why I believed so many of their lies: they were the stories my father and Fred wished were true. They were always told with a particular yearning excluded from their truths. I recognized that early in my life.

There was one strange thing about that tiny house where my father and Fred lived: a door the led to nowhere.

It was in the front room, and I figured it must have originally been the main entrance to the house. But wandering around outside to where it should have been, there was no sign a door was ever there—and this was not a house worthy of any remodeling. When I asked my dad where it went, he said he didn’t know. It was behind Fred’s big stereo and the TV—and he said he never felt the urge to move everything to check. When I asked Fred what was on the other side of the door, he said, “A safe place…”

My sister died when I was eight years old. I was in the middle of reading through The Chronicles of Narnia with her when she lost her battle with leukemia. She loved the series, and I wanted to read the same books she read.

Later that year, Christmas fell on a weekend my dad got me. My mom dropped me off Friday while my dad was still at work. I was reading in the front room with Fred when he got up and said he had to run an errand. He hopped on the Triumph Trident motorcycle he’d later sell to my dad and sped away. (Even in the cold of winter, that’s how Fred got around.) Left with an empty house with a bit of time, I wheeled Fred’s stereo system far enough away from the door to open it and squeeze my way inside.

It was a closet.

Still…I knew there shouldn’t have been enough room, there, even for coats. So, I pushed my way through until I found myself outside in the snow. It wasn’t the tiny yard in front of Fred and my dad’s house, though—I was in a forest. When I saw the light post, I wondered if it was all a lucid dream.

Someone was walking toward me—my sister! In the glow of the lamplight, we talked about her favorite books, and I told her how much she was missed. She told me everything would be okay, and I believed her. When she said she had to go back, I didn’t cry.

When I returned to the front room, I smelled cooking from the kitchen. Fred was there with a couple hot English Muffin Garbage Pizzas fresh out of the oven. He handed one to me.

“You didn’t really have an errand, did you?” I said.

“Nope.”

“You knew I’d go through the door?”

“Yep.”

“What is that place?”

“I don’t know. I can’t explain it. But any time you need it, it’s there for you.”

Fred was right: each time I went through, what existed on the other side of the door changed. Sometimes it was a forest; other times, I floated through space. It was always what I needed in the moment. There was no explaining it, but each trip in and out changed me. No matter how bad things got in the real world, it was there waiting…until my dad met someone new and moved into her house with her son.

After the move, we lost touch with Fred. He sold what few things he had and wandered off with Rat. I always suspected he went through the door and never came back. I like to think he’s still there.

These days, I don’t have a physical safe space like what was beyond that door. These days, when I need to feel safe, I make Fred’s English Muffin Garbage Pizzas…and everything works itself out.

Here’s the recipe…

* * *

Reply All

On Cheryl’s last day at Globotek, when she sent the obligatory, “Thanks so much—I’m moving on,” email to roughly two hundred people, she forgot to use the blind carbon copy feature. So, when Brad Anderson accidentally replied to all and said he’d miss being sent to the Chicago office together and sneaking into each other’s rooms at night, it didn’t take long for news of the affair to spread throughout the company.

All morning, as people passed her desk, they stared at her as though she were on display: “The Globotek Jezebel.” Meanwhile, on the other side of the floor, Brad kept his head down as a seemingly endless parade of salesmen flashed him a thumbs-up as they wandered by.

Cheryl’s phone buzzed.

“I’m so sorry,” the text message said.

“Don’t worry about it. I should have BCCed everyone.”

“Want to get lunch later?”

“Sure. I have a going away thing with my team at 11:00. After that?”

A heart emoji.

* * *

They gathered in a conference room with the intention of wishing Cheryl good luck with her new endeavor, but instead, everyone fell silent when she entered. When the tension became too much to bear, Cheryl said, “Look. About that email…”

Roger Simmons snickered like a little boy who finally said “Hell” for the first time.

“Is something funny, Roger?”

“No. Just…”

“Just what?”

“The email. From Brad.”

“What about it?”

“It’s just…”

“Juuuuuust?”

“Nevermind.”

“No. You’re all acting like Brad and I did something wrong. You want me to clear the air? Fine!  All any of us do, here, is work. Constantly. It’s one of the many reasons I’m leaving.

“Look—Brad and I are consenting adults. So what if he and I sometimes had drinks and scratched an itch? Most of the people in this room will do anything to travel or stay late at the office and avoid your home lives. Brad and I are at least honest about it. It’s not even against company policy, as long as one of us wasn’t the other’s manager.

“I mean, Hell—Bill, here’s, been fucking Tracy over there since the company Christmas party, what: three years ago! We all know it! And you know what? Last time I checked, you two are both married. Brad and I are at least single.”

Roger looked down and chuckled.

“There you go laughing again, Roger. You know what I find funny? How anytime one of us gets you alone, you spend the entire time ranting about what a dick Steve is. But you’d never know that by how far up his ass you’ve shoved your nose!”

Angie Bates got as far as, “Cheryl, calm down—” before Cheryl said, “Coming from you, that’s a riot, Ang. You know they call you Backstabbing Bates, right? If anyone needs to calm down it’s you. I might have screwed Brad, but you? You’ve screwed over everyone in this room!”

Anthony Cavett shifted in his chair.

”What do you want to say, Tony?”

“Nothing.”

“No. You were about to say something. I could see it in your face.”

“Okay. I was about to say you’re not being very grateful. Why don’t you just leave early if you’re going to be like this?”

“Good idea. But before I do, I want you to know my botched email isn’t the only one I sent this morning. Remember that time you treated me like your personal secretary last month? Well, uhm…I noticed some strange payments to a non-existent company when I was working with you. Did a little research and traced it back to you making fake invoices, sending them to Globotek, and depositing the funds into an account you own. That’s big-time fraud right there. So, I also sent email and documents to local news stations and the FBI this morning, letting them know what you’ve been up to.

“You can close your mouth, Tony. You had to know someone would eventually spot that. Or are you really that full of yourself?

“So go ahead, all of you, and make me out to be some horrible person. What Brad and I did never affected our performance at work or anyone in our lives. The rest of you can’t really make that claim. Thanks for this little going away party—it’s been fun…”

When Cheryl opened the door to leave, Brad was on the other side about to head in.

“What’s up?” she said.

“I figured I’d stop in to say goodbye. And if anyone was giving you grief, tell them to mind their own business. You’d think we stepped back to junior high school the way people are acting about that email.”

He surveyed the blank faces in the tiny conference room.

“What’s with them?” he said.

“Oh, you know these guys—always busy thinking about work…”

* * *

Drifted

No winter weather warning was going to keep Robert Johnson from visiting his parents for Christmas. He’d made it through Colbert’s Pass without tire chains in worse conditions—he’d be damned if a bit of rain and snow flurries would stop him. Even when the storm grew to whiteout conditions the higher he climbed, he put faith in the all-wheel drive of his Mercedes G-Class SUV; or rather, faith in what the salesman told him the day he’d bought the vehicle with cash: “You’ll not find a better combination of function and luxury on the planet. This thing? It eats Range Rovers for breakfast.” And so he climbed, on and on, up and up—a methodical ascent like everything else in Robert’s lush life.

He was near the top when he felt the tires break free from the road. As the SUV pulled to the right, Robert realized it was the road that had broken free, a packed layer of snow and ice separating from a slick layer below and sliding toward the edge of the pass. There’d be no guardrail to stop him—it was buried several feet beneath the snowpack. Robert gunned the engine, giving him just enough forward momentum to miss a hundred-foot fall before rolling even further down the mountain. But it wasn’t enough to stay on solid ground. He turned into the direction of the slide and rode the ice into a massive snow drift at the bottom of a hill.

No matter how careful Robert was or how hard he struggled, he had no luck backing out. He tried his phone and the SUV’s Emergency-Call button, but the pass was disconnected from such comforts. He undid his seatbelt, climbed over the driver’s seat, and forced one of the back doors open. The front half of the SUV was buried. Powdered snow gave way beneath Robert’s feet when he tried climbing up to the road. At least the exhaust was free from winter’s clutches—if nothing else, he’d be able to run the engine and have heat.

Before returning to the warmth of the SUV, something caught his eye in the trees. One moment it was there, and then it wasn’t.

“It’s just a stag,” he told himself, even though it moved more like a man…

* * *

Robert’s night on the mountain was made bearable by an idling engine providing heat, a bag full of convenience store snacks serving as dinner, and a tall bottle of alkaline water promising perfect hydration. When he stepped out to relieve himself in the morning, he couldn’t tell if snow was still falling or blowing off the mountain by the wind. Thick flakes drifted like volcanic ash, consuming the glowing silver eye of the sun on the horizon—a mocking promise of warmth shut out by snow. The drift had grown during the night, consuming all but the rear driver’s side of the Mercedes and a spot in the back near the exhaust. If the snow continued to fall, his next night on the mountain would not be as forgiving. Robert needed a plan.

He pulled the spare tire cover off the back of the SUV and scratched HELP into the paint with his keys. Below that, and arrow pointed down to the drift just out of view. Robert propped it up along the side of the road, hoping if a plow came along that it would be legible enough that they’d stop and save him from the storm. After that, he assessed his gear. A suitcase full of clothes could serve as layers and covering if the SUV ran out of gas and heat was no longer available. A fruitcake and tea biscuits for his mother would sustain him for days if needed. He could use the plastic bag from the convenience store to collect snow and let it melt to the closest thing to room temperature to stay hydrated. If it took days to find him, he’d make it—and Robert figured his parents had already alerted others that he never arrived as planned.

* * *

He was dozing in the front seat when he felt something shaking the SUV. At first Robert thought the snow drift, like the road, had broken free of the layers below and was sliding down the mountain. Or maybe enough snow had fallen to cause a mini avalanche from the road above and had slammed into the side of the vehicle. But as the haze cleared from his head, he realized the Mercedes was bouncing up and down.

He checked the rearview mirror, but the back window was caked in snow—the backup camera covered in ice. Still, he could see a large shadow moving from the rear of the vehicle and into the woods.

“A bear,” he thought. “Or an injured mountain goat moving on its hind legs…”

Hours later, when the storm cleared and the urge to defecate became too much, he crawled out through the back door with some leftover napkins from his convenience store stop and squatted beside the SUV. “What a way to go—eaten by a bear in the most vulnerable of positions.” But no attack came his way. He buried what he could in the snow just as the engine finally puttered out of gas. Before returning to the SUV, he checked the back for any sign of what shook the vehicle. A set of tracks emerged and returned to the woods. A massive bare foot like every Sasquatch casting he’d ever seen on TV and…an unsettling round print. If it was a Bigfoot, it appeared to have a single peg-leg, like a pirate.

Robert quickly cleared the snow from the back window and removed the tire iron from the foot well of the rear bench seat.

If something was going to attack him, he’d not go down without a fight.

* * *

Sleep that night came in short bursts between falling into deep dreams and waking up cold. A bit of movement and repacking clothes around his body warmed him just enough to fall back asleep.

When Robert opened his eyes during one of his waking cycles, a massive creature surveyed him through the windshield. It had long, curved horns like an ibex. Its face, twisted and grotesque, shined in the moonlight. Its fur rippled in the breeze. A long tongue lolled from its mouth. The beast grinned at Robert with a mouth full of fangs.

He waited to wake up but couldn’t. “A lucid dream?” he thought. But unlike a movie where an audience is led to believe something on screen were real—until revealing it was all just a dream—Robert knew he was wide awake.

He reached to the passenger seat and felt for the tire iron. The cold steel made his hand ache as he clenched it in defense.

With a long, sharp fingernail, the creature tapped on the windshield. It dragged its hand across the glass and grinned.

Robert swore it laughed as it turned away and disappeared into the woods.

* * *

Nothing, not even the call of nature, could convince Robert to leave the SUV the following morning. His water bottle became a urinal; the plastic bag from the convenience store, a toilet. By afternoon, he’d grown used to the stench. As Christmas Eve fell, he’d convinced himself to go on the offense. He grabbed the tire iron and left the safety of his vehicle.

“You want me, come and get me!” he shouted.

Something moved in the forest. Two icy-blue eyes glowed brighter with each step. Robert readied the tire iron in his hand—it was not the first time he faced fear on Christmas Eve.

The beast held a chain in its left hand and a bundle of birch branches in its right.

“Why are you doing this?!”

Robert was surprised to hear the creature say, “You still carry with you the scent of a naughty child…”

“I’ve atoned for who I was.”

“Have you? How many people under your command worked today, while you set off to visit your parents? How many of those people fear you, as you fear me?”

“I’m not a monster like you!”

“Saying something is so does not make it a truth…”

It only took two strides for creature to close the distance. Robert swung the tire iron with all his might, but Krampus wrapped it up with his chain. With one tug, Robert’s only defense disappeared into the woods.

The beating came next, a rapid-fire swatting of branches flaying flesh with each strike. The defeat came quickly, at least. Krampus raised Robert up and over his head, but something happened as the beast prepared to drop Robert into the basket strapped to its back. There came the sound of other chains…and jingling.

Krampus howled as he was pulled up the hill toward the road. By the time Robert’s vision cleared, the beastly cries stopped. A comically large red tow truck with a plow attached to its front was parked at the top of the hill, its emergency lights flashing in the night. A red flare sailed through the air and landed near Robert’s feet as Not-Santa slid down the hill on his grimy boots. The smell of forest gave way to cigar smoke.

“Well, if it isn’t little Bobby Johnson.”

“Not-Santa?” Robert said.

“The one and only! Looks like you got yerself into a bit of a bind, huh?”

“Yeah. I was coming through the pass and ended up down here. Was that…?”

“Krampus? Yeah. He’s not a bad guy in his own right—we have some things in common, in fact—but each year, he steps a bit deeper into my turf. That Bavarian baddie gets his own night earlier in the month, but his lore’s spread a lot in recent years. Now he’s everywhere. And that’s good, and all, ‘cause the world is full of naughty people needing to be taught lessons. But tonight belongs to my brother and me.”

Not-Santa ran his fingers through his dirty beard. Robert looked at the word tattooed across his knuckles: PAIN. He remembered that night from when he was a kid…

 “Anyway, let’s get you outta here so you can get on to see your folks.”

Not-Santa raised his MOJO hand. A clattering chain with a large hook at the end flew through the air and landed in his palm.

“We’ll get your SUV oriented the right way and then haul you up and outta here!”

* * *

When Not-Santa was done towing Robert’s Mercedes up the hill and onto the road, he handed him a cup of cocoa.

“I’d normally put whiskey in that, but you’ll soon be driving. Mustn’t be naughty, ya know?”

“Yeah.”

As Robert took a sip, Not-Santa said, “He was right, ya know?”

“Huh?”

“Krampus. What he saw in you is right. You can work however the hell long you want, but your insistence that the people you manage be invested as much as you is bullshit. This fuckin’ SUV is worth more than most of their houses…that is, if they’re lucky enough to be upside-down in a mortgage. What incentive do they have to do what you demand of them, other than fear of being in the streets? Most of them will never make a fraction of what you make, even if they do everything by your rules. Keep this up, and in a few more years, don’t be surprised if you’re visited by a series of ghosts trying to scare you straight. Now, let’s get you off this mountain…”

* * *

On Christmas morning, Robert handed out gifts from beneath the tree to his parents. When the piles of wrapping paper were cleared, just like that fateful morning when Robert was seven, his father, Ted, spotted additional gifts behind the tree.

“What’s this?” he said.

“I don’t know,” Robert’s mom, Deidre, said.

Three gifts, one for each, all with a tag reading FROM: NOT-SANTA

Robert’s mom opened the most perfect fruitcake, and his father—a bottle of Louis XIII cognac. A note read, “These should make for some cozy evenings. N.S.” They looked at Robert.

“It wasn’t me,” he said.

Ted sniffed the air. “Did you smoke a cigar last night?”

Robert shook his head no.

Deidre said, “I smell it, too. Do you remember that one Christmas morning…?”

Robert’s parents’ words fell away as he unwrapped his gift, a first printing of Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol from 1843. Included was a note, written on a fast-food burrito wrapper. “To Bobby. Don’t become a Scrooge, ‘cause next time you find yourself stuck on a mountain fighting a soul-eating entity, you’re on your own. Keep Christmas well, and keep an eye on your dad…that hooch goes down smooth. Your ever-watching pal, Not-Santa.”

* * *

[Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks…Theme music, as always, is by Ergo Phizmiz. Story music this time is by Frizz Oli, Earle Belo, Golden Fern, Howard Harper-Barnes, Martin Landström, and pär, all licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Sound effects are made in-house or from Epidemic Sound and freesound.org. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the show, the voice talent, and the music.

It’s been a good and busy year for Not About Lumberjacks, and I can’t thank everybody enough. While the show doesn’t reach a very large audience, listenership has almost doubled in 2021. Thanks so much for that!

I’m taking January off to plan for another great year of stories. I have a list of what I plan to write, some roughed-out sections of tales already started, and one beefy story (the mystery set in a bog in northern Illinois I planned for 2021) pretty much ready to go. My goal for 2022 is a story every other month. As busy as the second half of this year was for me, it was also a very productive time for the show.

So happy holidays to you all—here’s to a snazzy new year ahead!

[Quirky music fades out…]

[The sound of a chopping ax.]

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Intro music plays]

[Woman’s Voice]

This is Behind the Cut. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.

[Music fades out]

Christopher Gronlund:

Behind the Cut is an in-depth look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks and likely contains spoilers of the most recent story. You’ve been warned…”

* * *

Some people have wondered if “In Cypress Slough” was inspired by recent-ish news about ivory-billed woodpeckers being declared as officially extinct.

It wasn’t.

I originally planned to release it in November 2020, but it required research and an effort I didn’t have time for a year ago. It just-so-happened I was back to working on it this year when the ivory-billed woodpecker was declared officially extinct.

But I’m not here to talk about species humans have destroyed. Right now, I want to talk about how I handle writing characters who have experienced prejudice I’ve never had to face.

* * *

If you’ve spent enough time on pop-culture social media, you’ve likely seen someone complaining about gay characters in stories. Many a one-star Amazon book review reads like this: “I loved this book…until the author decided to push the gay agenda down my throat!” How dare popular movies include a gay character…and definitely don’t get them started on Jon Kent, Superman’s son, being bisexual!

Include a gay character in a story and some will deem you a social justice warrior. (As though that’s a bad thing to be!) I can’t imagine listening to “In Cypress Slough” and thinking, “This was great…up until Christopher felt the need to make Jorge gay! Why’d he have to go and do that?”

Of the 161 main and supporting characters in all Not About Lumberjacks stories to date, only five are gay. That’s about three percent, which is a lower percentage of gay people in society. (If you’re curious who those five characters are: the narrator of the Christmas episode, “Greetings” and his husband; one of the unnamed girls in “Tracks,” the opening story to last year’s Christmas episode story; and Jorge and Devin from “In Cypress Slough.”)

In the case of “Greetings,” Jeremy and Kurt simply exist as a couple like any other. (I wrote that story with Patrick Walsh from the ScreamQueenz podcast in mind as narrator. I’d been a guest on Patrick’s show multiple times, and I wanted to work with him on a Not About Lumberjacks story.) As far as “Tracks”—some people saw it as a story about two friends growing apart; others got the intended bit that one of them’s gay. “In Cypress Slough” is the only story I’ve written where a character’s sexuality is more than just a passing thing.

* * *

As writers, we can write about whatever we want.

If I want to write a story about what it’s like to grow up Black in the South, I can…but there are many people far more suited to tell that story—people who’ve actually lived it.

I was born on the north side of Chicago and moved to a northern suburb when I was two. When I moved to Texas at fifteen years old, I moved to a very white town…so much so, that its history of being so tightly closed has made nationwide news in recent months. (Do a Google search for “Southlake Carroll High School investigation” if you’re curious.) I never had my resume cross a desk, only to be rejected by someone because of how my name sounds. While I’ve faced hardships in life, I’ve never been discriminated against for where I was born, my sexuality, or the color of my skin.

This isn’t to say that I should only write stories about what I’ve experienced, but there are certain stories where the point of telling it is carries a greater purpose than I’m suited to tell.

I’m suited to tell a story about the bullying I endured as a geeky atheist at Carroll High School, but I’m not the best voice to tell the story about the only Black student in my class when I was there and the hell she endured for simply existing. (But you can be damn sure I based Davy Boyd from “In Cypress Slough” off the kinds of people I went to school with who tormented her family and others.)

* * *

So why, then, does “In Cypress Slough” include two gay characters?

Because representation matters.

The purpose of the story is not what it’s like to grow up gay in East Texas—it’s about a guy who spots an extinct species and what happens as a result. It just happens he’s gay, just like other characters who just happen to be straight. (Which no one ever seems to fume about.)

Initially, Jorge returned to Texas A&M university to show a female biologist the ivory-billed woodpecker footage he got. And, because I wanted to leave the story with something more for the future, I felt it would not be a bad idea to leave the story with a budding romantic [heterosexual] relationship.

But as the story behind Davy Boyd’s bullying became more prevalent, things changed.

* * *

I didn’t mention Carroll High School above just to take shots at a place I hated as a teenager. As I roughed out “In Cypress Slough,” news about the school kept popping up. And I thought about [and chatted about] what it was like back when I attended.

I have a friend from the school who’s a year younger than me. When I got my driver’s license, I gave him rides to school. People suspected this friend was gay (he is), and based on that assumption, he was picked on. By associating with him, people gave me grief as well.

When I gave other friends rides to school, no one cared…just like no one cares when a character is straight in a story. But when I gave this friend rides, suddenly I was told I did so for sexual favors. People told their friends not to get close to me because I probably had AIDS.

What my friend endured was far worse.

And so…as Davy Boyd became a reflection of the small-town bullies I knew growing up, and the friendship between Jorge and Kade developed, Jorge’s sexuality factored into the story.

But it’s still not the main point.

* * *

While I can be a bit brash and goofy at times, I’m also a pretty considerate person. Perhaps some of that comes from being picked on when I was younger…trying to consider the feelings of others even if I haven’t experienced the same wrongs they’ve experienced. So, when I write a character who’s lived through something I have not, I consider the words I put down with an additional level of care. It’s not so much, then, about the tone of the prose, but also the purpose of the story.

The purpose behind “In Cypress Slough” is telling a tale about the human toll on the environment, shared with listeners and readers through the eyes of two best friends still forced to deal with a bully from their past. It is not to say, “This is what it was like to grow up gay in the Piney Woods of East Texas…”—there are other writers far more suited to tell that tale. But that doesn’t mean every character I write must be a milquetoast, cis-gendered white dude from suburbia.

* * *

There’s a great book by Nisi Shawl and Cynthia Ward called Writing the Other: A Practical Approach. (I’ll include a link to the book in the show notes, or you can just go to writingtheother.com for more information.) The book grew out of something Nisi Shawl heard at a writing workshop…someone saying they never included characters with differing backgrounds than their own because you’re likely to get it wrong—so, why bother trying?

Nisi saw that mentality as taking the easy way out…and further white-washing literature. They set out to write an essay about how to write characters with differing racial and ethnic differences than their authors.

Taken from the book’s description:

In the course of writing the essay, however, she realized that similar problems arise when writers try to create characters whose gender, sexual preference, and age differ significantly from their own. Nisi and Cynthia collaborated to develop a workshop that addresses these problems with the aim of both increasing writers’ skill and sensitivity in portraying difference in their fiction as well as allaying their anxieties about “getting it wrong.”

Writing the Other and the personal essays on representation in science fiction and fantasy, Invisible and Invisible 2, are great books. (Hell, I’ll also recommend Matthew Salesses’s Craft in the Real World as a must-read for any writer.)

Sadly, I’ve seen writers who have scoffed at the notion of considering these things and what stories to tell (or not tell). But to ignore that is to ignore more than just craft—it’s to ignore the feelings of entire groups of people. (And that’s a shitty thing to do.)

* * *

I’ve also seen writers who say why bother trying because you’ll be attacked by “social justice warriors” no matter what you do—so just do whatever you want.

That’s a cop out.

I know about Writing the Other because I considered changing a character in the last novel I completed, A Magic Life. I had concerns about a Hualapai character born in northern Arizona, but raised by Swedish immigrants in Arizona and Colorado.

I mentioned my concerns to a diverse group of writers I know—on a Discord server for writers and fans of Fable and Foley’s Alba Salix (and other audiodramas).

Not one person told me I wasn’t allowed to write about this character; in fact, they suggested Writing the Other and ways to approach this character: making sure he’s just as important as other main characters—not just there to prop up the protagonist. Ensuring I’m writing about him as a person and not speaking for an entire People of which I am not. Portraying him in a positive light and, should something bigger happen with the book, finding someone who’s lived closer to his life and paying them a fair fee to read the manuscript for anything I might have gotten wrong.

If you’re familiar with the release of Jeanine Cummings’s American Dirt, following this advice could have avoided much of that wreck (but still not have helped with the indefensible move of plagiarized sections of the book being lifted directly from Latino authors)!

Speaking of the American Dirt debacle and this whole point, it’s summed up rather well by author and professor David Bowles (BOWLS):

“There is nothing wrong with a non-Mexican writing about the plight of Mexicans. What’s wrong is erasing authentic voices to sell an inaccurate cultural appropriation for millions.”

* * *

Representation without speaking for a group of people isn’t hard.

I once gave a talk to a local podcasting group about storytelling. One of the slides supporting what I talked about mentioned the importance of thinking things through. For that slide, I used an image of a Black woman looking up in thought.

After the talk, I was approached by a woman who thanked me for that. She loved attending local meetups about podcasting and web tech, but mentioned how the crowds around here are largely white…and how presenters usually used white people (mostly males) in all their slides containing people. She was happy just to see somebody on a slide who looked like her.

I’m friends with a writer from Perú who’s suffered what many writers like her have experienced: she’s been invited to book festivals and placed on the obligatory “Other Voices” panel discussion and then…no others. Just that! The festivals where she’s been treated equally and given a voice on panels having nothing to do with where she was born and who she is are the festivals she returns to—because they see her as a person and not an object.

* * *

My stories tend to be about people who have rarely seen the spotlight and why…or…stories in which they have their moment. While I will never attempt to write a story about what it was like growing up gay in the 80s, it doesn’t mean gay characters will never appear in the stories I tell.

I recognize there are stories left in better hands than mine, and those are stories I will never attempt to write. I don’t feel anyone is taking anything from me by pointing out that sometimes I’m not the right author for a story.

I was a right author for “In Cypress Slough.” (I won’t say the right author because it’s a story many others could have written.) I care deeply about animals and love the landscape of East Texas. I grew up around people who worked menial jobs—my dad was a mechanic. Hell, I’ve been that person working those kinds of jobs. It’s my kind of story. And, in the process of writing it—as a nod to some of my friends—I chose to make Jorge gay.

I will write characters who are different than me and sometimes find (and pay) narrators better suited for those stories. (And sometimes, like “In Cypress Slough,” I’ll narrate things myself because I’m really pressed for time.)

But I will never try telling a more important story about what it’s like growing up truly oppressed, even though nothing prevents me from doing so…other than my own nature.

For all the hardships I’ve faced, none of them are the result of me being a white guy from suburbia. I don’t acknowledge my privilege out of any kind of shame or to virtue signal—it’s simply a fact that I have opportunities many others do not. And because I recognize this and I’m not an asshole, I will always do my best to acknowledge the advantages I’ve had and put characters who might not have had such luxuries in a positive light.

* * *

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.

Later this month, it’s the annual Christmas episode—three holiday stories, one of which includes the return of a character from an earlier Not About Lumberjacks Christmas episode.

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Sound of an ax chopping wood. Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

I want to make one thing perfectly clear: this show is not about lumberjacks…

My name is Christopher Gronlund, and this is where I share my stories. Sometimes the stories contain truths, but most of the time, they’re made up. Sometimes the stories are funny—other times they’re serious. But you have my word about one thing: I will never—EVER—share a story about lumberjacks.

This time, two deadhead loggers find something remarkable in the Piney Woods of East Texas, putting them at odds with a large timber company.

And now, the usual content advisory…

“In Cypress Slough” deals with bullying, violence (including gun violence), homophobia, the destruction of wildlife and habitat, structure fires, mention of suicide, and swearing. Also, if you’re driving: be aware there’s a scene with approaching emergency sirens and one LOUD jump-scare (a gunshot).

Before we get going—really quick: did you know one of the founders of Podcast Movement is about to launch an audiodrama? (There’s even a possibility it’s out by the time you listen to this episode of Not About Lumberjacks.) Mitch Todd’s Andromeda Factory is on track to be out in the world soon, but you can listen to the trailer right now by searching for Andromeda Factory wherever you get your podcasts. That’s A-N-D-R-O-M-E-D-A Factory. I’ll include a link to the trailer in the show notes. And…I hear the guy who narrated this very episode of Not About Lumberjacks—ME!—may have contributed to an episode.

All right—let’s get to work…

* * *

In Cypress Slough

[Guitar Music plays…]

2010

The blur of colors in the trees changed everything: red, black, and white in exactly the right places.

“Did you see that,” Jorge said from the front of the jon boat.

Kade shook his head. “See what?”

“That bird.”

“Lots of birds out here.”

“Yeah, but that one shouldn’t be here.”

“You mean, like, it should be someplace else?”

“No. I mean it shouldn’t be here at all. It shouldn’t exist.”

Moments before, Jorge was telling Kade about the early efforts of over-water oil drilling up north on Caddo Lake. And then, there it was—so clear that it could not be disputed.

“Turn back,” Jorge said.

“I’m not turning around for a bird.”

“You’re not turning around for just a bird. I swear on everything I hold dear in life: I just saw an ivory billed woodpecker.”

[Guitar music fades out…]

* * *

Jorge and Kade met in junior high school, when a group of bullies cornered Kade in the locker room and Jorge stepped in to help. They both took a beating, but from that moment, the two became inseparable friends—parting only when Jorge left their hometown of Lumberton, Texas to study vertebrate zoology at Texas A&M University. When chemistry classes and financial struggles forced Jorge home, Kade was running his dad’s custom furniture shop and offered Jorge a job. In time, they struck out on their own, becoming known beyond the Big Thicket of East Texas for their custom builds. An article in Southern Living about their work with reclaimed sunken cypress logs found them with an abundance of orders and left them astonished by how much people would pay for something they viewed as routine work: building slab tables, benches, and desks.

Jorge convinced Kade they could make even more by reclaiming their own cypress sinkers. While Jorge never followed his father into offshore commercial diving, he shared his dad’s love for being underwater. They split their year diving the Neches River and its tributaries for cypress butt logs that fell off barges in the early 1900s and then building furniture through winter.

* * *

[A boat engine winds down…A trolling motor outters along…]

Kade turned the jon boat around, and Jorge went to the trolling motor when they slowed down.

“Just letting you know, I’m not spending the whole morning out here chasing a bird,” Kade said.

“Ten…fifteen minutes. That’s all I’m asking.”

“You’re gonna get us lost. At the very least, stuck.”

[A canoe paddle being pulled from the bottom of an aluminum canoe.]

Jorge picked up a canoe paddle. “I’ll push us back out. No worries.”

He maneuvered the boat off the main waterway and into the trees. [A deep breath—in and then out.] Kade’s apprehension was noted by a quick intake of breath and a slow exhale, a reminder of the day when they were younger and Jorge convinced him to blaze their own trail on the sloughs and creeks in the trees. [Sound of trolling motor fades out.] Even Jorge was amazed how easy it was to get turned around in the seemingly multiplying stands of bald cypress trees. When evening settled in, he grew concerned, noticing the fear in Kade’s face each time he turned back in the canoe hoping Jorge had an idea about which way to go. When darkness further impaired their sense of direction and brought out the kinds of sounds that toy with an imagination, they spotted distant lights. A kind couple with a cabin at the end of an abandoned county road let them call their parents. They shared a dinner of pork chops cooked on the grill, green beans, and mashed potatoes while waiting for Kade’s dad to pick up them and their canoe.

[The sound of the trolling motor returns and fades. Overtaken by water lapping against the sides of the canoe.]

“Don’t worry—GPS,” Jorge said while holding up his Garmin global positioning device.

When they could go no further, Jorge leaned back in his seat and listened. The sound of water sloshing against the side of the boat and moving slowly around knobby tree trunks was only interrupted by bird calls and Kade occasionally taking a sip of coffee from a travel mug. Few pleasures in Jorge’s life beat sitting in a boat on still waters while thinking about how connected everything is. From where he sat, he imagined every nerve in his body stretching into the water and feeling the way south, to Sabine Lake, and emptying into the Gulf of Mexico through the pass. From there, he could go anywhere, but what mattered most was not losing himself in the moment. He stretched and kept his eyes slowly scanning the trees. He heard more than he saw: the calls of wood ducks and the grumbling of great blue herons; nuthatches and warblers and vireos. The distant call of a red-tailed hawk and the staccato drumming of a pileated woodpecker. But no sign, visually or audibly, of the bird Jorge knew he’d seen.

[Canoe paddle thud and a startled person in a boat seat.]

When he picked up the canoe paddle to push the jon boat back from the trees, he heard a startled rustle from Kade in his seat.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Kade said. “I was dozing. You probably could have gotten away with another fifteen or twenty minutes…”

* * *

[SCUBA sounds—intake of breath and bubbles…]

The two spent the day sending Jorge down into the murky waters, feeling his way along the bottom for sunken logs where Kade’s depth finder or Jorge’s instincts indicated they might have a hit. Kade dreamed about finding a barge’s worth of sunken cypress so they could focus only on building, but Jorge loved the hunt. Days out on the water with his best friend, diving into realms ruled by alligators and water moccasins, and sometimes coming up with a payday worth thousands was better than time holed up in their shop building tables and benches for overpriced weekend homes in the woods. Their efforts yielded two finds, which Kade marked in a notebook. The next day they’d return with their floating pontoon winch, Nolan’s Ryan, and pull them up. Jorge wanted to name the boat The Kildeer, [smacking hands playing rock, paper, scissors] but a two-out-of-three round of rock, paper, scissors went in Kade’s favor, and he got naming rights.

* * *

[A metal trailer hitch is released, and a canoe is slid onto a rack.]

When they got back to their shop, Jorge unhitched the jon boat and put his cypress strip canoe, The Gadwall, on the rack.

“You’re going back, ain’t ya?” Kade said.

“Yep.” Jorge went to his trailer home on the property and returned with his camera bag and monopod. “Wanna come along?”

“Nah. Gonna have a couple beers and watch the Astros game.”

“Your loss.”

* * *

[Sounds of a canoe paddled through water.]

For three days after work, Jorge paddled and floated the area where he saw the woodpecker. After a productive week on the river, Kade called for a weekend away from work. For him, it meant firing up his smoker and watching baseball; for Jorge, it meant two full days chasing a ghost. On Sunday morning, he spotted a nuttall oak along the shore stripped of its bark around a hole high up near the top. He marked the spot on his GPS device, grabbed his binoculars, and floated. [Water lapping along the sides of a canoe. The call of an ivory-billed woospecker!] He was eating a Clif Bar about an hour into his stakeout when he saw it. Even from a distance, there was no disputing what he was looking at. He now understood how the bird acquired the nickname “The Lord God Bird”; it was even more magnificent than he imaged.

As the woodpecker clung to the tree, Jorge followed the white stripes along its back to the white feathers at the ends of its wings, a pattern reminiscent of the gangly, awkward kid at school with the low-slung backpack. [Rusting and several camera shutter releases.] He slowly picked up his camera and took a series of photos. His heart raced as he viewed the ivory-billed woodpecker through the long lens on his camera. He switched over to video, watching the bird move around its roosting cavity. Before advancing closer, he checked his camera. The photos and video footage were in perfect focus—no Bigfoot-blur or distant footage to be argued over: Jorge had conclusive evidence the ivory-billed woodpecker was not extinct. [Momentary canoe paddling.] Paddling forward through the trees, his presence eventually startled the bird. [More camera sounds.] He raised his camera but was too slow. Still, he knew it would be back.

Jorge spent the day watching and filming the woodpecker in flight and at its roost. He was so enthralled with what he’d found that when darkness fell, the only thing preventing a repeat of the lost-on-the-sloughs incident from his youth were waypoints in a Garmin GPS device to get him back to the truck.

* * *

[Tires on gravel getting closer. Rustling, and a truck door closing. In the background, a crackling fire.]

When he pulled up, Kade was sitting at the fire pit between their trailers.

“I was just about to give you a call. Figured you were either lost, or that you chased it until dark and decided to spend the night.”

Jorge grabbed his camera bag and wandered over. “Or…I spent the day watching and filming it.”

“No kidding?”

“Not one bit. I got it!”

[A lawn chair dragged across dirt.]

He dragged his chair next to Kade’s and showed him some of the photos and footage.

“Well, I’ll be…” [Two beers pulled from ice. Opening and tossing bottletops into a firepit.] Kade reached into a cooler and came out with two Shiners. He unscrewed the tops, tossed them in the fire, and handed one of the beers to Jorge.

“Cheers!”

[Beer bottles clinking together.]

“Cheers.”

[A long sip of beer following by an “Ahh…”]

After a long draw from the bottle, Kade said, “So, now what?”

“I gave that some thought on the drive back. I’m taking tomorrow off. I emailed a biologist I found on the Parks and Wildlife website. Heading up to his office in Jasper to show him. I know what I’m looking at, but I want confirmation.”

“Sure that’s a good idea?”

“Yeah, why?”

“If the bird’s there, it’s there without our interference. Seems best to leave well enough alone.”

“Fair point. I thought about that, too. Cross Pine Lumber is still cutting tracts down to nothing up there. That area needs to be preserved. Some small-town sweetheart business deal gets made, and all that’s gone.”

“True. But it’s not so easy for bigger operations to move around like us.”

“That’s their problem.”

“Yep, it is. At least until they make it ours…”

[Crackling fire fades out…]

* * *

[Footsteps on a cheap floor.]

When Jorge stepped into the Department of Parks and Wildlife office, he was greeted at the desk by a biologist who said, “Jorge Martinez?”

“Yes. You must be Devin Spencer?”

“Indeed, I am. Been looking forward to this all morning. Come on back.”

[Footsteps on a cheap floor.]

Jorge followed Devin to his office, a small room in a back corner of the double-wide construction trailer serving as a field office. The desk and chairs looked like they’d been there since the seventies. Maps of the area covered the faux-wood paneled walls. The only color in the space was a small Pride flag on top of a short bookcase full of binders.

Jorge pointed at the flag. “Is that for you, or for a friend or family?”

“That’s mine. Why?”

“You just don’t meet many out people like us in the sticks.”

“Really?”

Jorge nodded.

“Interesting,” Devin said. He pointed to a chair. “So, you said you have some photos and video you wanted to show me? Can you finally tell me what’s up?”

[A creaking chair, followed by the sound of Windows 7 booting up.]

Jorge sat down and booted up his laptop. “I have conclusive proof of an ivory-billed woodpecker living near Black Creek off the Neches River. I know you’re probably thinking, ‘Oh, he’s about to show me a pileated woodpecker,’ but trust me on this.”

“I wasn’t really thinking about anything—just waiting for you. But, now that I am giving it thought, I suppose that would be the most likely outcome.”

Devin gasped when Jorge opened the first photo. Leaning in for a closer look, he said, “This isn’t a prank?”

“Nope. I have video, too.”

After Jorge showed Devin the photos, he opened the videos.

“Listen,” he said. [The kanting of an ivory-billed woodpecker.] Not only did he have its calls, but he was close enough to see the massive woodpecker vocalize.

“How did you find it?”

“I reclaim sunken cypress logs and build furniture with a friend. I always keep an eye out for wildlife—especially when he’s driving the boat and I’m up front. I gasped, too, when I saw it. I kept going back until finally finding it yesterday.”

“Do you mind if I show this to others?”

“Not at all.”

* * *

In the weeks that followed, Jorge showed biologists with the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department and, eventually, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service where the woodpecker lived. Devin took part in the state surveys, pairing up with Jorge until the organizations had plans to preserve the area. Kade spent his days marking potential locations for Jorge to eventually explore and finally revamping the company website.

[A crackling fire…]

One evening while sitting around the fire pit, he said to Jorge, “We really need to hit the spots I’ve marked lately. Before they shut this all down. You know that’s coming, right?”

“Yeah. Not sure how much of the area will get protected, but it’s in the works.”

“Does that mean you’re done being a tour guide and can get back to work this week?”

“Yep.”

[Crackling fire fades…]

* * *

[Tires on gravel.]

Two days later, when they pulled off the dirt fishing road leading up to the put-in point for their boat, Jorge and Kade were greeted by four men blocking the way. One of them held a felling ax–two-and-a-half pounds of sharpened steel at the end of a 32-inch hickory handle. A red and black buffalo plaid flannel completed the lumberjack look.

“Is that Davy Boyd?” Jorge said.

Kade stopped the truck. “Lemme do the talking.”

[Truck doors closing. Footsteps on gravel.]

They got out and slowly approached the group.

“Morning, gentlemen. Davy. How can we help you?”

Davy Boyd held the ax in his right hand and pointed with his left index finger, a rubbery, sausage-like appendage with manicured nails. “It’s too late for that, thanks to him. Shoulda put you two boys down back when I had the chance.”

Davy Boyd was the school bully leading the attack on Kade the day Jorge met his best friend. Throughout middle and high school, the two thwarted attacks by Davy and his friends until one day reaching their end. They waited in the bushes for Davy to drop Carrie Johnson off after a Friday night football game. Carrie’s father was not very keen on his daughter’s choice of boyfriend, so Davy dropped her off at the end of the long driveway and at least had the decency to wait for her to get inside before leaving. When he turned around, Kade and Jorge jumped him.

[Grunting and the sounds of a fight. The cocking of a shotgun.]

Davy took the beating and worked his way back to his truck, where he pulled a shotgun from the gun rack in the back window. He leveled it at Kade and Jorge, sending them scrambling. [Footsteps retreating.] For years, Davy reminded the two he could have shot them dead that night and gotten away with it in self-defense.

“There’s no need to be mad,” Kade said.

“No need to be mad? I have a stand of timber worth about half a million dollars ready to harvest that they’ll likely keep me from. And Earl, here, was planning to put a couple cabins on his property and retire early. But none of these things’ll happen, now, ’cause the government’s gonna come in and restrict us at best…or seize our land at worst. And it’s all your fault!”

“I worried about the same thing,” Kade said. “Hell, I even tried convincing Jorge it might not be his best idea. But he has a point, too. Why should all of us benefit at the risk of a species going away forever? Maybe that’s the only ivory-billed woodpecker in the world out there. Or maybe there’s more–I don’t fuckin’ know. I do know I wanna keep going on with what we do back here as much as y’all…it’s a sweet gig. But Jorge and I will find another place for sinkers if need be. You own half the friggin’ county, Davy—you’re not gonna run out of timber. We have the chance to save something everyone thought was gone for good.”

“I’m sorry you two are willing to roll over and take it,” Davy said. “But we’re not. They shut all this down, and there’ll be hell to pay…”

Earl McKeen pointed at Kade’s jon boat. “You put your boat in on my land. I’ve always been good with that, boys…it’s only locals who know this spot. But no more. I see you on my property, that’s trespassing now. I see you back here again, if I’m in a good mood, I’ll put salt shot in your asses. If I’m feeling mean, I might do worse. You best get back in that truck right now and find another place to launch your boat.”

* * *

[Music plays—a news station intro. A woman’s voice: “Ivory-billed woodpecker mania is sweeping the region. With a confirmed sighting of the rare and elusive species, birdwatchers from around the world are descending on the Piney Woods of East Texas…”]

Davy’s, Earl’s, and even Kade’s initial concerns and fears were not unfounded. While no land was seized, a wider than anticipated territory was established under the Endangered Species Act, leaving even Jorge and Kade seeking new areas still within the limits of their permit. But what was a bust for some was a boon for others. Once the story reached the news, Lumberton, Silsbee, Evadale, and Buna all claimed the ivory-billed woodpecker as their own, even though the bird resided well outside the limits of the four towns. Buna went as far as painting its regionally famous Polka Dot House with cartoon woodpecker heads. Chambers of commerce decorated in similar fashions, anticipating the rush of people hoping for a peek at the bird. Restaurants created themed menu items, resulting in light-hearted rivalries between local burger joints offering up Big Woody burgers, Lord God Patty Melts, and Knock-on-Wood sliders. Barbers offered sleek ivory-billed woodpecker influenced haircuts, and every independently owned hotel seemed to change their name to the Ivory-Billed Inn. It was almost hard to fault them. With a confirmed sighting, birdwatchers from far reaches lined the Neches River bordering the protected area in the hope of catching a glimpse of the rare and impressive bird. When they weren’t on the water, they needed places to stay and things to do.

* * *

[A crackling fire…]

Jorge and Kade were sitting at the fire pit drinking beer when Kade said, “Ya know, I’ve been thinking: might be best to stop diving for logs and shift to building while this all blows over. We can’t even get back on Village or Hickory creek, let alone the river. It’s crazy.”

“It is,” Jorge said. “I got an email today from someone telling me he’s willing to pay me fifty-thousand dollars to take him back and see it.”

“You gonna do it?”

“Nope!”

“Why not? That’s a lot of money for a few hours in a canoe.”

“They’ve been picking up trespassers and fining them.”

“Yeah, but for fifty grand, I’d still be tempted. Pay the fine if you get caught, and still walk away with thousands.”

“It’s not worth it. If something bad happened to the bird when I was back there and I was blamed, that would cover the fine, but it wouldn’t account for potential jail time. And as the guy who found the bird, I feel a weird sense of duty to it and the people working to preserve things.”

“Like Devin?”

“Yeah, Devin, too.”

“How’s that going?”

“We stay in touch through email, but that’s about it.”

“You should ask him out for coffee or something. See how things have been going. It’s not like we’re busy right now.”

“True. But if we shift to building mode, we will be.”

“Stop with the excuses. You deserve to be happy. Even if we switch over, there’s a lot to get in order. That’s time to at least find out…”

[Crackling fire fades out…]

* * *

[Emergency sirens in the distance getting closer.]

Jorge awoke to the sound of distant sirens getting closer. He looked at the curtains, watching lights flash against them before realizing the sirens were distant enough that he wouldn’t see them yet. This was a different kind of flickering.

From Kade’s trailer, he heard his friend shout, “Jorge! Get out here!”

He pulled on a pair of hiking sandals and charged out wearing only his sleep shorts. [A slamming screen door. The sounds of a roaring structure fire.] It was a cool evening for the season, but he felt the heat from the fire.

Kade pulled a fire extinguisher from the back of the truck and ran for their shop. “Get the hose!”

[Running footfalls. The WHOOSHING of a fire extinguisher. Firetruck engine rattling and a second distant siren getting closer.]

By the time Kade emptied the fire extinguisher and Jorge joined his side, a fire truck and ambulance arrived. In the distance, another siren was getting closer.

* * *

[Dripping water.]

When the fire was extinguished, they assessed the damage with the company lieutenant. The insulation on one side of the steel-frame unit was burned away, and much of their curing cypress toasted. The portable sawmill looked like a total loss.

“I think most of these logs and slabs survived,” Kade said. “Or will at least be usable with a bit of work.”

[A chunk of glass scooted on concrete.]

The company lieutenant toed a piece of shattered glass on the floor near their timber. It looked like the bottom of a bottle. He pointed at a broken window.

“Is there any reason either of you can think of that someone might have started this fire?”

Jorge nodded. “Yes. Why?”

“We’ll bring in an investigator tomorrow, but this might be deliberate.

[Dripping water fades out…]

* * *

[A large pickup truck pulls up.]

When Davy Boyd pulled into his reserved spot in front of the Cross Pine Timber warehouse, Jorge and Kade were waiting. He flashed them a cocky grin as he pulled off his wrap-around Oakley sunglasses and placed them on his company cap. [A closing truck door and footsteps.] Davy stepped out of his Ford F-450 pickup truck and said, “What can I do for you ladies this fine morning?”

“You know damn well what you can do!” Kade said.

“Whoa, calm down there, Kadie-Boy. I haven’t even had my coffee. And no, I don’t know what I can do. Perhaps you can catch me up to speed…”

“Someone fire-bombed our place last night,” Kade said. “You can probably imagine why we might think it was you?”

“Nope. Sure can’t.”

[Footsteps.]

Kade made a fist and took a step forward.

“You might want to think twice about that. There’s a reason I carry my keys in my left pocket.”

[Rustling fabric.]

Jorge noticed the bulge from a pistol on Davy’s right side and grabbed the back of Kade’s shirt.

“I’m serious, fellas: I haven’t thought about your place until just now—not that I give a shit. I’m guessing you’re only gonna garner more enemies now that news has spread that your little buddy’s responsible forth whole area turning into a circus. Come around here again, and you two might get hurt.”

Davy Boyd pushed past Kade and Jorge.

“They’re doing an investigation,” Kade said. “If you did it, they’ll find out.”

Davy turned around and grinned. “You know damn well if I had done it that nothing would happen to me. Now, you girls get off my property and never set foot on any spot I own ever again. Understand?”

* * *

[Typing on a keyboard.]

Jorge took Kade’s advice and emailed Devin, asking if he wanted to get some coffee and chat. Devin replied, telling Jorge to bring a Thermos and meet him at the John’s Lake Road put-in point Earl McKeen told him to stay away from. [A truck pulling up on a dirt road.] Devin was already there when Jorge arrived. Earl was in his backyard. When he saw Jorge, he gave him the finger.

“Don’t worry,” Devin said. “He does that every time. We’ve tried talking with him…telling him the day may come when he can’t put in enough cabins on his property to meet the demand for visitors.”

“Yeah. But that finger was meant for me. He knows I’m the one who reported it. Threatened to shoot us if we ever put in here again.”

“Well, you’re safe with me.”

[A canoe sliding off a roof rack. Rustling fabric and items placed in an aluminum canoe.]

After they got the canoe from the back of Devin’s work truck, he tossed Jorge a personal floatation device and packed a few dry bags into the boat.

“So, what are we doing?” Jorge said.

“I have to check all the field cameras and autonomous recording units. You’ve not been back here a while. I figured why not have coffee and chat while checking things.”

[A canoe paddled through calm water.]

As they glided through the trees, Jorge adapted his breathing to the rhythm of paddle strokes. He loved being in the bow, blocking his view of the front of the canoe and imagining himself skimming across the water’s surface. It was that time of the year before murky floodwaters clouded the shallows where hungry white bass flashed bright like giant coins and vegetation undulated beneath the surface, like long hair waving in a breeze.

“How’ve you been going?” Devin said.

“It’s been a crazy week. Had a guy offer me fifty-grand to take him back here. I told him no, of course. Then our warehouse appears to have been firebombed.”

“What?!”

“Yeah. Looks like someone knocked out a window and tossed in a Molotov cocktail. Fortunately—aside from our sawmill—it wasn’t a total loss. And then my best friend decided to pick a fight with a guy who’s bullied us since high school, and now I’m here.”

[A slow breath, in and out…]

Jorge took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled. In the rush of everything, he’d not been on still water for over a month.

“So, I take it you were bullied because you’re gay?”

“Nah. At least not initially. I saw a group of guys beating up my best friend, Kade, and tried helping. We both got our asses kicked. Really, though, I think he got bullied more than I did. No one knew I was gay, but…they knew. So, they teased Kade for being my friend more than they picked on me for being gay. I’m sure you can imagine.”

“Yeah. Definitely not the best place to grow up gay. I hid it well. My dad always had his suspicions, but he let me act tough. I think he was relieved—just for my own preservation. He grew up outside and taught me everything he knew, so I was able to hide it and blend in. Until I went to college and didn’t have to hide it as much anymore.”

“Do you still see your dad?”

“Yes. My mom and my dad. How ’bout you?”

“My folks moved to Austin when I went to school, but I see them when I can. My mom was a Longhorn. I think she hoped when I visited Austin that I’d change my mind and go there.”

“You mentioned you dropped out?”

“Yeah.”

“How come?”

“Couldn’t afford it. And then business took off for Kade and me.”

“Is everything you make from reclaimed cypress?”

“Most of it. It’s become what we’re known for. I miss making more intricate furniture. What we reclaim from the water is mostly good for tables and benches.”

“Well, you might get the chance to get back to better things.”

Jorge turned around. “What do you mean?”

“State’s considering restricting sinker salvage. It’s destroying wildlife habitats.”

“I know someone who’s not gonna like that news…”

[Paddled canoe fades out…]

* * *

[A crackling fire.]

“You know I’m on your side with all this environmental stuff,” Kade said. “Right?”

“Yeah.”

“But you can see how some people feel it’s all too much?”

“Sure, I can see that,” Jorge said, “but it doesn’t mean I have to side with it. It’s like anything, really…if we’d cared more all along—been nicer all along—we’d not see so much push-back today. It only happens because we destroy everything when given the chance. Half the people who live out here are freaking out that white people one day won’t be the majority in this country, but the only reason to fear that is if you’ve been cruel all along—and you keep at it, instead of acknowledging the past and changing your ways. Same thing with protecting species. Look at how much we’ve driven to extinction because no one stopped us. Hell, our national bird was once on the Endangered Species List. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know, I don’t know what does.

“I love diving for logs. I love being in the shop with you, too, but I love being out on the water even more. And I know we can’t live without doing some kind of damage to other things, but I hate the thought of me not being smart enough to figure out a way to do something if it means saving something that can’t avoid its impending demise. The least I can do is care enough to consider something else. If hauling logs out of creeks and rivers destroys habitats, I’m willing to try thinking about how to shift what we do.”

[Sipping sounds.]

Kade took a swig of beer and said, “Yeah…you’re right. Of course. I suppose I got used to making simple furniture that paid well enough to let us putter around on the water a little more than half the year. Did you have a good morning at least?”

“Yeah. A great morning. Devin’s a really cool guy. And they think they might have heard another ivory-billed woodpecker. It was on one of their recorders. Distant enough that they can’t confirm it. But they’re hopeful.”

“Well, hope’s a good thing…”

“Indeed. To hope.”

“Cheers.”

[Beer bottles clanking together.]

“Cheers…”

[Crackling fire fades out…]

* * *

[A diesel pickup truck pulling up.]

Jorge and Kade were almost done cleaning up their shop when they heard the rattle of a diesel engine and tires on gravel. It sounded like a small semi tractor pulling up. When they stepped out to see what it was, they saw the grill of Davy Boyd’s pickup truck. Davy cut the engine and got out.

[A truck door closing.]

“What the hell do you want?” Kade said.

Davy looked at the shop. “Seems someone accused me of setting your place on fire. Cops came by asking me if I had anything to do with it. Any idea who might have told them to bother me?”

“No idea,” Kade said.

“Huh, that’s funny. ‘Cause when I asked around, they told me it was you two.”

“We didn’t say you did it,” Jorge said. “They asked us if we could think of anyone who might have done it. You and your friends threatening us on John’s Lake Road didn’t put you at the bottom of our list. So, yeah, we mentioned you and Earl McKeen’ names—why wouldn’t we? You, standing there with an ax, acting like some butch lumberjack and Earl threatening to shoot us if they put restrictions on the area. And you seriously wonder why we’d have them check with you? You’ve never been very bright, Davy, but come on.”

Davy looked at Kade and said, “You better shut your girlfriend up.”

[Rustling fabric.]

Jorge put his arm in front of his best friend and held him back.

[Patting hand on jeans.]

Davy patted his right hip and said, “Best listen to your little bitch.”

“Fuck you!” Kade said. “You’re pathetic. That gun…this truck. What are you compensating for, Davy? You’re only tough if you have that thing on your side or ten friends standing behind you.”

[A gun being pulled from a holster and set on the hood of a truck.]

Davy reached for the pistol. He pulled it from the holster and set it on the hood of his truck.

“There. You want to settle this, then let’s settle it.”

“There’s nothing to settle,” Jorge said.

Davy looked at Kade. “What about you?”

[A person being shoved aside.]

Kade shoved Jorge aside and said, “Yeah, there’s a lot to settle. Years of his bullshit…”

[Charging footfalls.]

Davy squared up, but Kade was on him before he could throw a punch. Years of letting other people do the hard work for him did Davy no favors. Despite towering over Kade, hauling logs out of rivers and moving slabs of timber around kept Kade fit. [Tackle sound.] He hit Davy just below the ribs with his shoulder, taking the wind out of him. [A body hitting the ground.] Before Davy could catch his breath, Kade went for a leg, toppling the mini giant. [Rapid-fire punches.] He climbed onto his chest and started punching.

Jorge let him get in a few shots before trying to pull Kade off Davy, but there were decades of grief being released in his best friend’s rage. [Fabric rustling; more punching.] Kade wriggled free each time Jorge tried grabbing him; he kept hammering Davy’s face with his fists. When Davy went limp, he didn’t stop. Even when Jorge did get a hold, Kade wrapped his legs around Davy’s body and refused to let up.

[A gunshot!]

BANG!

The sound of the gun brought Kade back. He looked at Jorge, who’d just fired a shot into a thick pile of ruined lumber.

“What the hell?”

Jorge said, “You won, all right? I had to do something. You looked like you were gonna kill him.”

As Kade caught his breath, he looked at Davy’s red and puffy face. Blood flowed from his nose. A fat lip redirected the rivulet toward his cheek.

[Helping someone up from the ground.]

When Davy came to, Jorge helped him up. Davy looked toward the hood of his truck.

“Looking for this?” Jorge said. He waved the gun in his hand.

“Give that back!”

“Why, so you can shoot us? Nah, you’re not getting this back right now. Both of you are too wound up for that. I’ll bring it by your office later today when you calm down and get cleaned up from the ass beating you just took. Right now, you’re gonna leave. You give us any more grief, and we’ll tell the cops you took a shot at us, missed, and Kade had no choice. And yeah, I know—you have friends in high places. But this is a little county, and I’m friends with a bunch of people with the state Department of Parks and Wildlife and even a few people with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. I’m sure if I told them I didn’t think you were following all the rules the county lets you break that it would put a damper on your business. So why don’t you think about that?”

[A truck door opens and closes. The engine starts.]

Davy pointed at them; then shook his head and got into his truck. Beneath the hood, the engine roared to life. [A slap!] When Kade smiled and waved at Davy, Jorge slapped his hand down and told him to stop.

* * *

Later that day, Jorge drove to Cross Pine Timber and asked for Davy. Davy looked like a prizefighter on the wrong end of a bad night.

“Can we step outside?” Jorge said.

Davy looked worried for a moment, but seemed to catch on when Jorge patted his right pocket. [Patting sounds.]

[Background ambience: a slight breeze.]

“Here you go,” Jorge said as he handed Davy his pistol. “I know I don’t need to be, but I’m sorry about all this. I’m sorry you have a stand of timber you can’t get to right now. I even feel for Earl. I feel for Kade—he’s more on your side in all this than you know. Our days of recovering sinkers are numbered. It’s up to us to figure what we’ll do when that day comes.

“I don’t care if you can or can’t see any of this from my point of view, but I want you to think about how it is for Kade. You’ve been giving him grief for almost twenty years…for no reason other than you decided to target him and make his life hell. And then you went at him harder once he and I became friends. Even though he’s straight, you gave him more grief about being gay than me. Hell, you made fun of me for being a Mexican, even though my family’s been here for probably as many generations as yours. All I’ll say about your face is this: it looks like that right now because you brought it upon yourself. You’re a grown friggin’ man still acting like you’re in high school. You’ve got a good life, so let that shit go. You won the prize—isn’t that enough?”

Davy said nothing.

“You and Kade just need to ignore each other. But I want you to mull this over: this is all on you. Had you never picked on him, this wouldn’t have happened. Also, if you ever go at him again, I won’t stop him from killing you. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure in the rage he let go when he was on top of you, that was his intent.”

Jorge extended his hand.

[The smack of a handshake.]

It took a moment, but Davy Boyd shook it before heading back inside.

* * *

[The sounds of a package being opened.]

Two days later, a package a little larger than a shoe box arrived, addressed to Bald Cypress Furnishings. Inside was a dead ivory-billed woodpecker and a note reading:

“This is what you get for shutting it all down and calling the cops on me. Send them again—this time, I’ll be ready.”

“You shouldn’t have stopped me from beating the hell out of Davy,” Kade said. “That son of a bitch…”

“I don’t think it was him.”

“Come on! You know it was.”

“No. I think he kinda gets it. Let me make this call…”

* * *

[News show music plays. A woman’s voice: “In Hardin County, Texas, a tense standoff between police and Earl McKeen, the man who killed the last ivory-billed woodpecker, ended in tragedy.”]

The last stand of Earl McKeen made the evening news even beyond the borders of the Big Thicket. An armed standoff with the man who killed the last ivory-billed woodpecker ended with him setting fire to his home and taking his life with a single bullet. Jorge and Kade watched footage of his burning house from a helicopter.

“You were right,” Jorge said. “I should have shut up. Earl might have been a crotchety old fuck, but he didn’t deserve that end. And the woodpecker did well enough without our influence. “

“Nah,” Kade said. “It lived right on the edge of where Davy was gonna harvest timber. So, who knows what would have happened with it, but it probably wouldn’t have been good. At least you cared.”

“Lotta good it did.”

“Yeah, it did. You brought a lot of people together. That bird brought hope back to this area. Maybe some kid growing up around here right now remembers this, goes off to school, and becomes a biologist like Devin instead of going to work for Davy. Maybe some of the dumbasses out here who vote for people like Davy’s dad consider this and vote for somebody better. I don’t know, but I do know I was wrong when I said you should have let well enough alone. Well enough only goes so far when people are willing to do whatever they want if they know they can get away with it. You did the right thing. Never forget that.”

* * *

[Windows 7 boots up.]

After dinner, Jorge booted up his laptop. He opened Outlook and composed an email.

[Typing on a keyboard.]

“Devin. I’m sure by now you’ve heard the news. I’m so sorry. I know it’s not my fault this all happened, but I can’t help but feel responsible to some degree. I’m glad there are people like you out there trying to make a difference. Jorge.”

[Outlook notification sound.]

He was dozing when he heard his email notification. He opened Devin’s reply.

“Jorge. Yes, I heard. I have a hard time feeling for Mr. McKeen. Take your stand, sure, but why kill the bird? I’m sorry you were on the receiving end of all this. I’m heading out in the morning to check field cameras and recorders—I’d love to have some company. Meet me at the put-in point around 6:30? Devin.”

* * *

[A truck pulls up on a dirt road.]

When Jorge pulled up, he could smell the burned remains of Earl McKeen’s house. He was happy to see Devin already there with a canoe in the water. On closer inspection, he noticed the boat had a square stern with a small outboard motor attached. He got out of the truck.

[A closing truck door.]

“Good morning,” Devin said.

“Morning.” Jorge pointed at the canoe. “What’s with that?”

“We’re gonna head up-river a bit. We could paddle, but this is much easier.”

[Sounds of a canoe being packed.]

As they put on floatation devices and packed a few dry bags into the canoe, Jorge looked north, through the trees where he’d found the ivory-billed woodpecker. One of the most beautiful places he knew now seemed devoid of life, despite still teeming with the energy of a rising morning.

[An outboard motor and canoe cutting through the water.]

As they made their way up the Neches River, they passed the spot where Jorge first caught sight of the bird. He wondered what its fate would have been had he never said a word.

[The boat engine is cut. Canoe paddling takes over.]

A couple miles up, Devin cut the engine. He and Jorge began paddling into the trees, following a winding creek deeper into the canopy. The creek gave way to a series of sloughs.

Jorge said, “My friend Kade and I got lost on waters like this when we were kids. He’s still nervous to come back to places like this.”

“What about you?” Devin said. “Does this bother you?”

“No. I love it. It’s places like this that keep me in the area. I’ve thought about leaving, but this part of the state is definitely not without its magic.”

“You’ll get no argument from me. If Kade isn’t game to get lost back in places like this, I am. Anytime you want to come out, let me know.”

“I’d like that.”

“Of course, I’d not object to seeing each other outside of all this, either. Maybe dinner sometime?”

“I’d like that even more.”

“Wonderful…”

They paddled in silence, sometimes following creeks—other times, shallow bodies of still water. Jorge lost track of time, but didn’t want to check his phone or ask Devin. Instead, he said, “Where are we going?”

“You’re patient. Most people would have asked that before even getting in the canoe. We’re almost there.”

“Where is there?”

“You’ll see…”

[The call of an ivory-billed woodpecker.]

Several minutes later, Jorge swore he heard the call of an ivory-billed woodpecker. He turned back to look Devin, who smiled and nodded.

The trees gave way to a clearing in the middle of it all, a large slough among the cypress trees. Across the water, a line of nuttall oaks stood watch on a raised shore.

“Psst.”

[Water lapping at the sides of a canoe.]

Jorge turned around to Devin handing him a pair of binoculars. Devin pointed to a tree with scaled bark high up.

Jorge sighted the tree and moved his view up to the hole. [Chirping of chicks.] Three tiny heads poked out, comical, big-eyed little wedges waiting for food. In time, their mother returned to the nest, sending the chicks into a frenzy. She wasn’t as colorful as Jorge’s woodpecker, but she was equally beautiful.

“We spotted another male,” Devin whispered. “And we’ve picked up recordings north of here that we think might be another. We’re hopeful there are enough for a recovery.”

[Coffee poured into a cup.]

He poured Jorge a cup of coffee and handed it to him before pouring one for himself. Jorge set the binoculars down and took it all in. Perhaps what he was looking at would make it on their own, a population of a species on the brink reclaiming what belonged to them long before progress and greed took over. But he knew that was unlikely. In taking his stand, the lineage of the birds before him might thrive long after he was gone and forgotten. The thought made him smile—and as he recalled all the times he was told to pay attention to menial things by teachers and bosses and other people who, in turn, missed the obvious beauty right in front of them, he chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” Devin said.

“Just thinking about how strange this has all been. And how disconnected people are to so many amazing things.” He watched the ivory-billed woodpecker feeding her brood. “The wonders of the world are everywhere, if only we’d open our eyes and listen…”

[The calls of an ivory-billed woodpecker. Water lapping at the sides of the canoe fade out.]

[Upbeat guitar music plays and fades out…]

* * *

[Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks…not just this episode, but some of you, every story and behind-the-scenes commentary for the six years of the show’s existence. I put 40-60 hours into each episode, which is a lot of time for something that makes no money or even gets many listens…but knowing you’re listening makes it worthwhile. So…thanks! Okay, onward…

Theme music, as always, is by Ergo Phizmiz. Story music this time is by River Foxcraft, licensed through Epidemic Sound.

Sound effects are made in-house or from Epidemic Sound and freesound.org. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the show, the voice talent, and the music.

In December, the other now-annual tradition continues as I share a handful of very short short stories, one of which is always a Christmas tale.

[Quirky music fades out…]

[The sound of a chopping ax.]

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Intro music plays]

[Woman’s Voice]

This is Behind the Cut. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.

[Music fades out]

Christopher Gronlund:

Behind the Cut is a behind-the-scenes look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks and likely contains spoilers of the latest episode. You’ve been warned…”

* * *

John Irving doesn’t write a novel until he can work from the ending back to the beginning. Other writers plot out everything before they sit down and begin writing stories. These kind of people are called planners by other writers.

And then there are writers who begin with little more than an image that intrigues them. Haruki Murakami once said, “When I start to write, I don’t have a plan at all. I just wait for the story to come. I don’t choose what kind of story it is or what’s going to happen. I just wait.”

These kinds of people are called pantsers by other writers because they write by the seat of their pants.

I am a pantser. I was going to begin this episode of Behind the Cut talking about how the last handful of Not About Lumberjacks stories were started with no end in mind. But then, when I looked at the Quick List on the site containing all the stories, I realized almost everything I write is an act of discovery.

* * *

In the fall of 1979, one of my best friends introduced me to a little game called Dungeons and Dragons. As fifth graders, we were just realizing there was a subculture that played wargames, and something blurring the lines between that and telling stories intrigued us.

But in those first couple years, the stories were contained within the walls of dungeons. Players might figure out a different way through a challenge, but you were bound by the environment.

Then came an adventure module called The Village of Hommlet. Sure, adventurers eventually found a dungeon, but the first part of the game was wide open. Players could do anything! And I loved running friends through that adventure because not knowing what would happen next fascinated me. From that point on, I loved running games in open places where maybe I had an idea for the evening, or even a larger story arc, but if my friends wanted to do something else entirely, I ran with it and made up adventures in the moment.

It was great training for writing stories.

* * *

When I started writing the latest Not About Lumberjacks story, “Milkboy,” I only knew I would base it on a shitty thing a friend and I did to our best friend in, I think, 1990…maybe ’91. Before common access to the world wide web was a thing, if you had a geeky computer friend like my friend Mark, you might have hung out on a bulletin board system—a computer running a network people called to share messages and files. (Yeah, it was all pretty much on some person’s computer in, probably, some crappy apartment like Tim and Mark’s.)

Mark belonged to a BBS and eventually let his roommate, Tim, create a profile and access things. Me as well.

One evening, Mark and I decided to create a fake online persona named Milkboy and mess with Tim. The earlier parts of “Milkboy” are wholly true. The real ending, though, went something like this:

Tim did want to meet Milkboy in real life. Mark and I knew we had a problem.

One day Tim was so kind to take Mark and me to the Modern Museum in Fort Worth, Texas…and then to dinner at a pizza place on the way home. There, Mark and I told him that we were Milkboy. Tim was rightfully hurt, and Mark and I felt like shit. (To this day, we’re surprised Tim didn’t stick us with the bill and leave us stranded in Fort Worth. But then, you can probably tell, Tim was kind of a better guy than Mark and me.)

It’s a funny story to tell when hanging out and talking about stupid things done in one’s early adulthood, but it’s not worthy of publication. It needed something more.

* * *

I’ve talked about my love for the “What If?” game before. I enjoy looking at even a mundane situation and asking, “What if…” and seeing where it takes me. Often, as a storyteller, it eliminates storylines that aren’t very strong.

Not knowing where I was taking “Milkboy,” one of those “What ifs” was, “What if Tim found out the truth and fucked with us in return? What if Tim not only said he wanted to meet Milkboy, but was going to introduce us to him?” (Yeah, this person we made up.)

That’s an interesting turn, which led to figuring out how to pull it off.

And that’s what I ran with for “Milkboy.”

* * *

I’m proud of all the stories on Not About Lumberjacks, but the stories created for the show—not the stories I’d written before it started—impress me the most.

For a moment, though, “Milkboy” seemed like a story just going through the motions. It was good, but…if put against, say, the last five stories on the site, it would have definitely been a bit of a dip. It didn’t feel right—it needed something more.

* * *

There are probably more than a half-dozen quotes about sculpting attributed to Michelangelo with a gist of, “There’s something wondrful in that block of marble, and it’s my job to find it and make it real.”

I’ve read and watched interviews with other artists about how they know a piece is done, and most of them say something to the effect of, “I know it’s done when it feels right.”

“Milkboy” did not feel right…just as “Calling Out of Time” didn’t feel right until I reached the end. “A Deathly Mistake” as well…really most stories on Not About Lumberjacks.

“Milkboy” needed something more than, “Hey, let’s fuck with Tim. Oh, look—Tim turned the tables on us. Oh, wasn’t that funny?”

But what?

* * *

If you’ve listened to “Milkboy” you know it was released on Tim’s birthday. You know I’m still friends with Tim and Mark. So…I knew two things: the story needed another turn that put it into the realm of ridiculous…and, in the end, it had to be a heartfelt tale of decades-long friendships.

Enter Demon Milkboy…

* * *

Initially, I just thought it would be funny if Milkboy/Lance kept showing up. Turning it into a tale of obsession…either the guy Tim got to play Milkboy sticking with the role like a method actor, or…just being a bit off and obsessed with the three main characters.

Again, it was a good turn, but it still felt small to me. But as I started writing the scenes where Lance started following us, it started getting creepy. And…because, along the way, I realized I was writing a gift to Tim for his birthday (and a gift to Mark, as well), I knew it would end up being heartfelt no matter how far I chose to take it.

My goal was to make Tim and Mark laugh by how ridiculous the story would become (like something out of an old GURPS one-shot role-playing game night), I knew if the story could be a love-letter to our friendships, all the better!

* * *

I will go to my grave laughing every time I think about Demon Milkboy singing his version of the happy birthday song to Tim…particularly, the “Milkboy will never leave you…” line. It works better with the demon voice. [Demon Milkboy Voice] “Milkboy will never leave you…” See? Anyway, there are plenty of laughs once Demon Milkboy drops from the sky in front of Mark and me on the access road to I-35 in Denton, Texas (the town where I met Tim). But Tim and Mark, and many other friends, helped me battle my own demons. We’ve all helped each other through so many rough times over the decades, so…I figured out Demon Milkboy needed to become a symbol of the hard things that shaped us all before we even knew each other…but also a symbol about how the three of us are still alive because there were times we all thought about ending everything…and kept going because we had each other’s support.

* * *

There was still one problem with “Milkboy”—I felt bad for killing Lance.

Something I’ve mentioned to no one until now: Lance is based on a guy Tim and I worked with in our early 20s.

Like I said, Tim and I met in Denton, Texas when we both answered a newspaper job ad as door-to-door salesmen. We were to sell a sort of encyclopedia set-slash-learning system for kids.

Weekends found us traveling around Texas and Oklahoma, trying to sell our wares to people near military bases, middle-class neighborhoods, and they once dropped me on a reservation in Oklahoma. It was a shitty job, but I kept it because I liked Tim…and this guy named Jeff.

To see Jeff, you’d think he could own the world. He was handsome and fit; talented and kind. He had every reason to be a narcissist, but he was more interested in other people than himself. He had a way of making you feel special in his presence.

One night in Oklahoma, I was wandering the edge of my sales territory and saw Jeff across a highway in his. We both sucked at being salesmen, so we decided to hang out. That’s when Jeff confessed to me how much he struggled with life. He told me he hadn’t eaten in days because he was broke. (I at least had a second job on a sprout farm, so I at least had free access to garbanzos, adzuki beans, and other forms of protein. And, God—plenty of greens!)

We scrounged up enough change to get Jeff a hotdog at 7-11. I have no idea if they still sell hotdogs based on all you could fit into the little cardboard hotdog containers, but at the time…if you could cram that thing full of food and close it, you could have it for a flat price.

Jeff packed every space around the hotdog with chili. He could barely close it. I reached into his pocket and dug change to pay for it because the container was about to fall apart in his hands.

We wandered to a school yard, where Jeff planned to sit on a swing and eat his first bit of food in days.

He dropped the hot dog in the dusty dirt below the swingset…and then he broke down in tears.

He plopped down on the swing with his stomach, hovering inches over the exploded chili dog on the ground. He sobbed like he’d just lost a loved one…it was a mournful howl.

A passerby might have thought, “It’s just a chili dog, dude,” but there was soooooo much more behind those tears: feelings of failure, shame, and who knows what else?

When Jeff’s crying slowed, he looked up at me and said, “Would you think any less of me if I ate this thing out of the dirt?”

Of course, I wouldn’t—and I watched someone who looked destined for greatness I could only imagine eat a cheap chili dog off the ground, dirt be damned! Later that night, he told me about how he had a hard time making friends; how he felt like a failure in his family’s eyes; how he had so many aspirations growing up, but how life didn’t turn out the way he always thought it would.

Like I said, we all have our demons…

* * *

I didn’t want “Milkboy” to be a self-indulgent story full of inside jokes that wouldn’t appeal to a wider audience. I wanted it to be relatable to everyone, even though it’s perhaps the most ridiculous story I’ve shared on Not About Lumberjacks. (If I never wrote and shared “Booger,” I’d say “Milkboy” is definitely the weirdest story on the site, but people still tell me about how much the sounds in “Booger” got to them…)

Anyway…I went into “Milkboy” not knowing where it would end up, and, in the process…ended up writing one of my favorite stories ever.

Stepping into the unknown is never easy—whether it’s a story or life itself—but if you do it enough, preferably with the company of a handful of loved ones, sometimes the ending surprises you in the most wonderful of ways…

* * *

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.

In November, the annual tradition continues as I share the most NOT Not About Lumberjacks story of the year, in honor of the show’s sixth anniversary! What’s the story about, you may be wondering? Well, two deadhead loggers find something remarkable in the Piney Woods of East Texas, putting them at odds with a large timber company.

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Sound of an ax chopping wood. Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

I want to make one thing perfectly clear: this show is not about lumberjacks…

My name is Christopher Gronlund, and this is where I share my stories. Sometimes the stories contain truths, but most of the time, they’re made up. Sometimes the stories are funny—other times they’re serious. But you have my word about one thing: I will never—EVER—share a story about lumberjacks.

This time, we step back to the days of computer Bulletin Board Systems for a story based wholly on truth. (No, seriously—this was a pretty much true story, until we reach a certain point.) When two friends create an online persona to mess with another friend, they get what they have coming to them for their deception.

I know I said this month would be a mystery set in a bog, but that’s now been bumped to the first release of 2022. It’s a good story, and I didn’t want to rush it just to get it out. Besides, it was time for something lighthearted and goofy.

And now: the usual content advisory. Milkboy deals with emotional manipulation, stressful working conditions, infected food, passing mention of a grizzly death, demonic possession, and cartoonish violence. Oh, sooooooo much cartoonish violence! And, of course, there’s plenty of swearing.

Also, if you’re driving: be aware that anytime you hear characters in a vehicle after the mention of Yummy’s Greek Restaurant in Denton, Texas…there will be yelling, squealing tires, and even a collision. Really, from that point on…just expect the story to get louder and more ridiculous with each new paragraph.

The character of Tim in Milkboy is a real person…in fact, he’s the artist behind the two versions of the Not About Lumberjacks logo! I’m releasing Milkboy today, on October second 2021, in honor of his birthday. I’ve been fortunate over the years to receive artwork from Tim as gifts on my birthday, so it was time I wrote a story as a gift for one of his. I hope this effort finally absolves me from the sin of creating Milkboy and catfishing Tim before catfishing was a thing.

All right—let’s get to work…

* * *

Milkboy

[Jaunty guitar music fades in, joined by a trumpet.]

This is a story about the shittiest thing my friend Mark and I ever did to our best friend, Tim.

Mark had a Tandy 2500 386 SX computer (with an 85 megabyte hard drive), and we put it to good use the night we created Milkboy.

Milkboy was a digital construct, catfishing before catfishing was a thing—an online persona created to see if Mark’s roommate, Tim, would take the bait.

Of course, he did.

That Tandy system, while belonging to Mark, was a shared thing in the apartment where he dwelled, a system allowing Mark, Tim, and me to log into a bulletin board system run by Mark’s manager at Two-Dice Pizza. (We chatted with strangers in the Dallas/Fort Worth area long before any of us had easier access to the World Wide Web.)

* * *

[The bleeps and bloops of a dial-up modem]

It was my idea to make Milkboy. Tim started spending more time on Jared’s BBS than hanging out with us. Looking back, I can’t blame him: he worked several jobs—among them, illustrating children’s books, delivering newspapers, and managing fireworks stands in the summer—but his most tedious task was dealing with Mark and me. Much like an exhausted parent, when the day was done, Tim wanted to connect with someone who didn’t add to his life the kinds of stresses we did.

And so, one evening he logged into the BBS and met a guy who went by “Milkboy.”

We chose the name Milkboy because Tim’s dad was not only born and raised in Wisconsin, but he was a shining Son of the Dairy State. He bowled, played accordion, and drank beer. His work ethic ran rampant in Tim’s veins—and in Milkboy, Mark and I created a fake persona that took away the stresses of Tim’s busy days. Between all his tasks, Tim chatted online with a guy who loved Wisconsin as much as he did; who loved They Might Be Giants as much as he did; who loved the exact comic books as much as Tim. It was all so obvious to Mark and me that we figured Tim would quickly realize he’d been had, but I guess when your two best friends are the kinds of people who would make up a fake person online in instead of—you know—being kinder to you…you’d believe something too good to be true when compared to your reality.

* * *

Each day, Milkboy became more perfect. If Tim talked to us about how much he loved Too Much Joy’s new album, suddenly online, Milkboy did the same. Milkboy loved Legion of Superheroes comic books, Twin Peaks on television, and could sing along to every Dead Milkmen tune. If Tim liked it, Milkboy loved it! Milkboy was a refined work in progress we enjoyed creating more than any character in the stories we wrote and the role-playing games we adored.

Not quite two weeks into our deception, Mark was the first to bring up that maybe we’d gone too far.

“It was funny when we first made Milkboy, but I’m starting to feel bad. It’s not that funny anymore. It actually feels kinda mean…”

I agreed, but…it’s a rare day when you’re part of something so new, and I wanted to see how far our online ruse could be taken. That was apparently enough of an argument for Mark to say, “Yeah, you’re right. I’m curious, too…”

* * *

And so, Milkboy’s presence grew in our lives, a thing making the three of us happy—until somewhere, almost a month in, when Tim said something Mark and I had not anticipated.

“I’m gonna see if Milkboy wants to meet up in person…”

We knew right then that we should have stopped the night Mark asked if we’d taken it too far.

Mark said, “That’s great, Tim! Cool.” Then he turned to me and said, “Hey, I’m gonna walk over to the store for some snacks—wanna come along?”

“Sure,” I said. “Need anything, Tim?”

“Nah, I’m good. I’m gonna go message Milkboy.”

* * *

[A quiet evening outside.]

Before we even made it to the parking lot, I said, “We need to go back in there and tell him the truth, Mark. I’ll tell him it was all my idea because it was, so he takes it out mostly on me.”

“He’ll kill us,” Mark said. I’m not even fully joking…he’s so stressed right now that I can see him braining us with that metal T-square he uses for art.”

[Footsteps on pavement.]

Mark was lost in thought while we climbed the hill between the apartment and the gas station store. At the top, he said, “We can have Milkboy say he’s moving back to Wisconsin. That he’d love to meet Tim, but there’s some family thing needing attention, like when you went back to Missouri when your dad died. You can play that shit up and sell it. Tim felt so bad for you. Milkboy disappears and we swear to each other, here and now, that even if we’re all still friends in thirty years that we never tell Tim the truth about Milkboy.”

“Just have Milkboy fade away?” I said.

“Yep. A message or two to Tim, and he’s gone forever.”

As long as Mark and I stuck to our new plan, it was a foolproof fix to our reckless problem.

On the way back to the apartment, Mark said, “I’ll send the first Milkboy message tonight while Tim’s delivering newspapers in Denton. We’ve got this…”

* * *

[A front door opens and closes. The sound of plastic bags.]

When we returned to the apartment with a couple bags of junk food, no sooner than we walked through the door, Tim said, “It’s done, guys. I messaged Milkboy, and he said he’d love to meet up in person.”

I don’t know what our faces looked like, but Tim said, “What’s wrong, guys? I thought you’d think this is cool.”

“No, it is,” Mark said. “Really cool. You’re sure he said he wants to meet you in person?”

“Yep. I’m gonna reply in a moment, but there was a message waiting for me. He wondered if I wanted to meet up next week at Piccolo’s Pizza. You guys, too!”

“He wants to meet all of us?” I said.

“Yeah. He sees your posts on the board and he thinks you’re cool, too.”

“Okay…” Mark said. “Yeah, sure, Tim—we’ll meet up. Sounds great…”

* * *

[The bleeps and bloops of a dial-up modem. Typing on a keyboard.]

When Tim left the apartment that night to deliver newspapers, Mark and I logged into the BBS to check on Milkboy.

We couldn’t access the account we created.

We looked at the boards and saw a few Milkboy posts we hadn’t made—mostly about music, and a post about the updated GURPS rules on the role-playing board.

In the final issue of Grant Morrison’s run on the Animal Man comic book, Animal Man meets Grant Morrison in person. Of course, it’s scripted; Morrison wrapping up his time on the series and making a heartfelt statement about childhood. A writer in control of a character. We were the writers behind Milkboy, but somehow he seemed to take on a life of his own.

“It has to be fuckin’ Tim,” I said. “He somehow found out, and he’s fucking with us in return. I bet you he strings us along a few days and then next Friday, before we all go meet Milkboy, Tim’s suddenly like, ‘Oh, Milkboy had to cancel at the last minute.’ Hell, it’s Tim…he’ll probably feel guilty by tomorrow and confess.”

* * *

But Tim didn’t confess.

Each day, Mark and I waited for him to cave in…but he never did.

And each day, new Milkboy replies on the boards popped up.

Mark decided to message Milkboy while Tim was working—not to call him out, but to see if he’d conveniently reply only when Tim got home from his paper route.

“How’s this sound?” Mark said. “Hey. Heard we’re all meeting up on Friday for pizza and beer. Looking forward to it. We can swing by your place on the way and pick you up if you want so you can drink more than just a couple beers?”

[Soft music: horns, guitar, and xylophone.]

An hour after Mark sent the message, he got a reply from Milkboy: “Oh, man…that would be so cool. Thanks! But I’m meeting up with a friend from Wisconsin after dinner with you guys. That’s the only time he could hang out…he’s in town for the weekend visiting family. You know how it is.”

Maybe the Animal Man theory wasn’t too far-fetched…

* * *

When Friday rolled around, waited for Tim to say Milkboy bailed on us, but he never did.

We sat in Piccolo’s Pizza waiting for a stranger from the BBS to arrive. Mark was likely thinking the same thing I was: Tim was going to take this to the absolute end. He’d order a bunch of food and beer—maybe even order a couple expensive drinks for himself, since I was driving—and then he’d tell us he figured out the horrible thing we did to him and stick us with the bill. We’d pay it, of course, knowing we deserved worse than that, and Tim would have something to always go back to, like Mark reminding us how horrible it was for Tim and an old girlfriend to dare me to drink Mark’s Sea Monkeys for fifteen dollars.

But Tim’s big reveal that he was onto us never happened; in fact, we watched him stand up and wave his hand to a guy wandering into the restaurant wearing a They Might Be Giants Lincoln t-shirt.

If you were given the task to make the most attractive of all geeks, you’d make Milkboy. There was a kindness to his handsome gaze; a brightness in his friendly eyes framed by designer eyeglasses. He had a Superman curl of hair on his forehead, and as I watched him make his way through the pizza joint to our table back by the kitchen, he was built like the Man of Steel as well. [Sounds of a restaurant fade in.] I could see him fronting a boy band, but give him a little scruff, and he could easily play the bad boy who made hearts swoon in movies.

“Are you Tim?” he said.

“Yes…”

He stuck out his hand. “Great to finally meet in person, Tim. I’m Milkboy, but you can call me Lance.”

After Tim shook his hand, I reached out and said, “Hey, Lance. I’m Chris.”

He almost crushed my hand as he said, “It’s Milkboy to you… Remember that.”

* * *

Mark and I may as well have stayed home. The dinner discussion consisted of Tim and Milkboy talking about all the things they loved. Tim practically shrieked with delight when Milkboy talked about how he was reading his old Kamandi comic books—and Milkboy swooned with each band Tim mentioned. Mark and I fashioned Milkboy to be a reflection of Tim, but real-life Milkboy was better than anyone we could imagine. By the end of dinner, Tim and Milkboy discovered their fathers actually went to the same high school in Wisconsin!

When the waitress brought the bill, Milkboy pulled out a wallet thick with cash and said, “It’s on me, guys.” (At least he finally acknowledged that Mark and I existed.)

From the moment Milkboy left, to the time we all went to sleep, Tim couldn’t stop talking about how wonderful dinner was.

* * *

In the weeks that followed, Tim spent more time hanging out with Milkboy than us. They were inseparable. Tuesday comic book days became Tim and Milkboy days. Tim even blew us off on Mystery Science Theater 3000 nights to go watch at Milkboy’s house.

Yeah, Milkboy had a house. A product of stout Midwest breeding, Milkboy’s father taught him the value of a dollar at a young age, when Milkboy knocked on doors offering to shovel driveways in the winter, plant flowers in the spring, mow lawns in the summer, and rake leaves in fall. Milkboy wasn’t rich, but by our terms he sure as hell was. According to Tim, he even had a Shinobi arcade cabinet in his living room.

When Milkboy came to the apartment to hang out with Tim, the only time Tim’s new best friend acknowledged us was when Tim left the room. If Tim got up to go to the bathroom, Milkboy would turn to us and say, “I don’t know why Tim hangs out with you losers. You’re a part-time pizza man and you barely work at all. He deserves much better friends.”

Upon Tim’s return, Milkboy would look at him and say, “I was just chatting with Mark and Chris about the new Tick comic book…” which would send Tim off to talk about the week’s comic shop haul.

* * *

When we finally told Tim some of the things Milkboy said to us, Tim didn’t believe it.

“I know you two are jealous about how much time I spend with him, but I still like you. It’s just…he seems to get me better than you guys…”

* * *

And so, life clicked along like that, until the following month when I got a call from Mark. I could tell by the background sounds that he was at work.

[Sounds of a busy restaurant kitchen.]

[Mark: through telephone.] “I’m sure you planned to come over tonight anyway, but you need to head over right now. I’m leaving work. I have some big news to tell you…”

[A car driving along the highway.]

On the drive over, I imagined all the things it could have been: maybe Mark had sold another indie comic book story—he sounded that excited. Maybe he finally got a tech gig instead of delivering pizzas for Jared at Two-Dice. Or maybe it was about Milkboy…maybe Tim finally announced that he was bailing on Mark and becoming roommates with his new best friend. I was not expecting what Mark told me.

“Milkboy’s a drama student at the University of North Texas. He works nights at a convenience store where Tim delivers papers. Apparently, they hit it off and chat. Tim overheard you and me talking about Milkboy. He got so mad that he wanted to fuck with us back. So, he asked his chat-buddy at the gas station if he wanted to make a little extra money acting like Milkboy.”

“How the fuck do you know all this?” I said.

“I heard Jared talking about it at work. Tim messaged him and told him we were using his BBS to mess with him. So, Jared changed Milkboy’s login, and he and Tim took over.”

“That’s shitty of them!”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, yeah…so, we’re the shitty ones. We deserve it. But Jared?”

“He thought it was funny.”

“Well, I can’t argue with that…”

* * *

The next time Milkboy visited the apartment, we waited for the usual barrage of insults from him when Tim left the room. We were watching Northern Exposure with Tim and Milkboy when Tim announced, “Be back in a couple…gotta go get rid of some of those sausages I had for lunch…”

[Footsteps on carpet moving away.]

Before Milkboy could tear into us again, Mark cut him off.

“Stop right there, Captain Thespian. We know you’re a big ol’ pile of bullshit. A drama student? And you have the gall to rip on us for the way we live our lives?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I said, “We know Tim paid you to pretend to be Milkboy.”

His gaze went to a beer stain on the carpet.

“When Tim comes back,” Mark said, “you’re gonna walk out that fuckin’ door and never show your face again. Understand?”

“I can do that,” Milkboy said. “Tim’s cool, but this whole thing is fucked up. And you two are assholes. Who the hell makes up a fake person to mess with their best friend?”

“It was a joke,” I said.

“Grow the fuck up, lint boy. That’s not a joke—that’s fuckin’ cruel!”

“Lint boy?”

“Yeah. You crash on everybody’s lint-covered floors and are only concerned with making enough money to buy comic books every week. You’re a little boy!”

“Hold on,” I said, “You recognized how fucked up this whole situation was, but still went along with it? Must not be making much acting money if you’re working overnights at a convenience store. You’re no better than us.”

“Am too.”

“What are you,” Mark said, “A fuckin’ fifth grader? ‘Am too…‘”

The three of us bickered back and forth until Tim returned to the living room.

“What’s going on?” he said.

Mark answered. “We know you know about Milkboy. And we know you paid this asshole to pretend to be him.”

Milboy stood up. “Tim…you’re a good guy, man. You definitely deserve better friends than these two. Later…”

[A door closes.]

* * *

When Milkboy closed the door behind him, Tim said, “What did you two say to him?”

“He was about to start insulting us,” I said. “Mark let him know we found out he was an actor.”

“How?”

“I overheard Jared at work,” Mark said. “He told me everything. When did you figure it out?”

“A few weeks in,” Tim said. “I realized Milkboy never posted when you were at work and Chris was at home. He only replied when you were all online. So, I contacted Jared. He thought my plan to turn the tables on you two was funny. Then I started chatting with Lance on my route and asked if he wanted in on it. We only planned to have him show up the night at Piccolo’s. He was gonna say that he had to go home to Wisconsin and that was gonna be that.”

“That was our plan,” Mark said. “We were gonna have Milkboy message you a couple times, saying he had to go home, and then he was gonna fade away.”

“We’re sorry,” I said.

Tim said, “You should be. Especially ’cause it’s almost my friggin’ birthday, guys! But it is kinda funny, and I can apologize to Lance next time I’m on my route. But if you ever do something like this again—I’m not fuckin’ kidding—I’ll kill you motherfuckers with my T-square.”

* * *

[Music.]

Things went back to normal for the three of us. We played Dungeons and Dragons, worked on comic books together, and hung out while drinking beer and watching TV. Then one evening, things got weird.

Mark and I were hanging out watching Mark’s Akira video when Tim got home from a series of school visits for his kid’s book.

[A door opens and closes.]

“Really fuckin’ funny, assholes!”

“What?” Mark said.

“Paying Lance to follow me around today. Fuck you!”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Tim?”

“Every fuckin’ school I went to, I saw Lance watching me.”

“Tim,” I said. “I swear. I mean, I know I don’t believe in God, but I swear to God…we learned our lesson and we wouldn’t do that.”

“Chris is telling the truth,” Mark said. “It wasn’t us.”

“You sure it was Lance?” I said.

Tim shot me a look. “Yes!”

“Well, maybe he’s fucking with you on his own,” Mark said. “Maybe he’s going all method actor and keeping up the role. But we have nothing to do with it this time. Seriously, Tim—it’s not us.”

* * *

It wasn’t just Tim who started seeing Lance.

Mark swore Lance was following him one night while delivering pizzas. And I never rode the Northshore Trail at Grapevine Lake faster than the day I was riding and saw Lance standing in the middle of the singletrack ahead of me. All three of us kept seeing him. [A man shouts, “Hey!” Running footfalls slap pavement.] Tim was the first to try chasing him down, but Lance turned a corner and disappeared. [Two people walking outside on a quiet night.] Mark and I saw him one night while walking to get snacks…standing just on the edge of the light cast by the gas station. We turned around to head home, but Lance was suddenly in front of us. [Two sets of running footfalls slap pavement.] Fight won over flight, and we rushed him…but he got over the hill between the apartments and gas station before us and was nowhere to be seen.

Like he’d just disappeared…

* * *

On a night Tim and Mark weren’t working, we decided to go to the source. [Interior of a car speeding down a highway.] We hopped in Tim’s Ford Escort and drove up to Denton—to the Howdy Doody convenience store at Bell and Coronado.

[Convenience store door chime.]

Lance was nowhere to be seen.

Tim approached the cashier and said, “Hey, the guy who’s usually here at night. Do you know where he is?”

“Lance?”

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t hear?”

“Hear what?”

He pointed at a newspaper. On the front page was a story about how police were still looking for the killer of a guy found murdered in his apartment a week before. The article said it looked like a bear attack. The victim’s name? Lance Fusco.

We’d all seen Milkboy earlier that day.

* * *

[Interior of a car speeding down a highway.]

“All right,” Tim said on the way home. “We’re stopping at the grocery store on the way and stocking up. Mark and I are calling in sick to work the next few days. We’re holing up in the apartment, and we’re not leaving—for anything! If, for any reason we do have to go out, we go out in a group. All three of us, understand?”

The next couple days, we were like kids during a blizzard that closed school. We played video games and Dungeons and Dragons. We watched movies and we drank beer. (Okay, so maybe it was a bit better than being kids stuck at home.) We had several days of fun, until the day Mark and I did something stupid. On Tim’s birthday, while he took a nap to stay up for a night of celebrating, Mark and I made a quick run to Denton to surprise Tim with a Middle Eastern spread from Yummy’s Greek Restaurant.

* * *

[Interior of a car speeding down a highway.]

We were speeding along the I-35 access road on our way home when it happened: a body fell from the sky right in front of us. [Squealing brakes and a loud THUD!] Mark locked the brakes, but couldn’t stop in time. It was the most horrible sound I ever heard. When we came to a stop, we looked at each other.

Mark said, “Did that look like…”

“Milkboy…?” I said.

[Doors open and close. The hissing of a radiator.]

We got out of the truck, looking at the prone body in the headlights in front of us. Neither of us wanted to be the first to approach. We waited for the other to take the first step. [Footsteps.] I took a deep breath and started toward the body. That’s when Milkboy got up.

[Gravel rustles.]

It was Milkboy, but it wasn’t Milkboy. [Breathy growl.] He looked more like the vampire from Fright Night than Milkboy—a mouth full of fangs and glowing red eyes.

[Demonic voice.] “I’ve been looking for you two…”

[Feet leap from gravel.] He moved on Mark first. [Metallic noise.] Mark reached into the bed of his pickup and grabbed the cross-wheel lug wrench. [Demonic hissing.] The cross seemed to repel Demon Milkboy. The old Baptist side of Mark kicked in. “By the Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ, stand down! You will find no safe harbor in our souls, for we are imbued with His spirit! In Christ’s name, I command ye—leave now, demon, or suffer His wrath!”

[Footsteps stop.] Demon Milkboy stopped his advance. He turned to me.

“Yeah, what he said.”

[Demon Milkboy laughs.]

[Demonic voice.] “Then I will take your friend…”

[Feet on gravel and a WHOOSH! Wings flap.]

He leaped up and flew off into the night.

* * *

[A racing engine and squealing tires.]

The tires of Mark’s Mazda B2000 pickup truck squealed as we pulled into a Chevron parking lot looking for a pay phone. [A car door closes] Mark leaped out, forgetting change. [Rummaging through coins.] I grabbed a quarter from the dashboard, [A car door opens and closes. Running on pavement] ran to the phone, [Coin inserted into a payphone] and inserted the coin. [Fingers pressing buttons on phone] Mark dialed so fast that he messed up the number. [Hanging up receiver; triggering coin return, coin returned to phone, and dialing.] He hung up, pulled the coin return, and tried again.

[Tim: through phone.] “Hello?”

“Tim, it’s Mark. You need to get out of the apartment now. I can’t explain, but Milkboy’s coming. Get the fuck out of the apartment!”

[Metal rattling through phone.]

[Demon Milkboy through phone.] “Tim can’t talk right now. He’s…occupied…”

* * *

It was easy to forget there was a time in Mark’s youth when he walked door-to-door in the hills of Tennessee, spreading the Gospel and witnessing for Jesus Christ. None of us had any reverence for faith as adults; in my case, I never did. But Mark was once a Born-Again-in-the-Blood-of-Christ-Jesus Southern Baptist, known in the hills as the boy touched by the Lord Hisself. There were aspirations to get him on A.M. radio he was so fired up on God’s Word. But his family returned to Texas, where Mark discovered comic books, Dungeons and Dragons, and goth music were far more fun than church.

[Pickup truck with engine trouble rolling down the road.]

We puttered along I-35, hoping the radiator would hold up long enough to get us back to the apartment. We were silent at first—me thinking about how I had been wrong about Jesus and demons and everything my entire life.

“Okay, I think I have it figured out,” Mark said. “That thing is some kind of quantum manifestation. Remember Animal Man 26…like that. But not just a story…totally for real.”

“It’s a fuckin’ demon, Mark.”

“No. I mean, I get what you’re getting at. It’s real, but it’s not what it seems. It’s like how some particles, when observed, react to certain laws. But it’s all chaos when we’re not looking. It’s playing by certain rules…and expects us to do the same. So, when we get to the apartment, we’re going in with the full armor of God.”

“What the fuck is that?”

“The Belt of Truth. Speak only the truth when we confront it. We’ll also be protected by the Breastplate of Righteousness—we deserved to be called out for fucking with Tim, but none of us deserve this. The Gospel of Peace will protect our feet. As stupid as we can be at times, we’re still good people not out to hurt anyone. The Shield of Faith, the Helm of Salvation, and wielding the Sword of the Spirit might be a little bit harder for you, having never believed in any of this crap. I’ll go in first and pave the way. You just think about saving Tim and putting all this behind us.

“My biggest fear is how strong it will be when we get to the apartment. It’s gonna feed off Tim’s residual Catholicism in a way no former Baptist could ever sate it.”

* * *

[Two car doors close. Footfalls on pavement.]

The apartments were silent when we pulled up. Lights were out, and no one was around. We walked to the door of Mark and Tim’s place and listened.

We heard singing…

[Demonic voice.] “Happy birthday, Best Friend. Happy birthday, Best Friend. Milkboy will never leave you. Happy birthday, Best Friend.”

Mark looked at me and said, “Remember: Full Armor of God,” as he reached for the doorknob.

[A door opens and closes.]

[Flames crackle, wind blows, souls howl.]

The inside of Mark and Tim’s apartment looked like a fire and brimstone plane of Hell. A rope bridge crossed the living room, suspended over a drop into a fiery abyss that seemed to have no bottom. In the dining room, Tim was bound to the chair at the head of the table. [Muffled cries for help.] Demon Milkboy wore a party hat and lit the candles on a [Squishing sounds] worm-riddled birthday cake with his fingertips. The rest of the table was covered with books and dice and figures from our last Dungeons and Dragons session.

[Demonic voice.] “It appears we have company, Best Friend.”

“Leave him alone!” Mark said.

[Demonic voice.] “Leave him alone? But it was you who started this…two puny humans too stupid to realize it is unwise to meddle with things you do not understand!”

“We were just fucking around.” I said.

[Demonic voice.] “There is power in words. You two, of all people, should know that. What you have manifested will now be your undoing!”

[Flames intensify.]

The demon raised its hands like something out of Fantasia’s “Night on Bald Mountain” scene, causing the flames in the abyss to rise.

“Run!” Mark shouted.

[Footfalls across a rope bridge.]

We charged across the rope bridge as the fire climbed higher. Mark’s feet and body glowed, and I swear I saw a shield pushing back flames as he scrambled across. [Snapping ropes.] The bridge gave way just as we reached the other side—[feet scratching on gravel] just enough to cause me to lose balance at the edge. [Clasping hands.] Mark extended a hand, making sure I didn’t fall in.

[Demonic voice.] “I see you wear the Armor of God,” Demon Milkboy said. “Tell me, Christopher—what do you really think about Mark?”

I imagined the Belt of Truth around my waist.

“I hated him at first. He wasn’t nice to me when I met him—he thought he was better than everyone he met. He was so fuckin’ pompous, and there wasn’t a face on the planet I wanted to punch more than his. But we each chilled the fuck out and got to know each other. There are now times I spend more time with him than Tim. I’m the writer I am largely because of Mark. More confident, too. I hope when we’re older that we still have each other’s backs.”

Mark laughed and said, “Didn’t work out the way you hoped, did it?”

“Well, what about you, False Warrior of Lies? What do you think of Chris?”

“I thought he was log-dumb when I met him. He’s still the goofiest person I know, but he’s not stupid—I was wrong to think that. And I resented him because I knew how much Tim loves him. But he’s also the reason I know Tim. We’re all sort of a fucked-up package deal, and I’ll die right here for either of them.”

“Your wish is my command!”

[Heavy footfalls running.]

Demon Milkboy rushed Mark, but I was faster. [Body tackle.] I hit him at the waist and knocked him back. [A whoosh and a thud.] One mighty swat from the demon was enough to knock me to my hands and knees.

[Demonic voice.] “The goofy one will be the first to die!”

I braced for the hit, but it never came. [Angelic energy.] A bright light filled the room. When I turned back to look, Mark held a twenty-sided die in his left hand and a silver glowing sword in his right.

[Demonic voice.] “Oh, you want to throw dice and play your little sword game? Be my guest! Your THAC0 is twenty. You cannot harm me!”

“We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall!” Mark said. [A 20-sided die tumbles across a table.] The d20 tumbled across the table and came to rest near the birthday cake.

[Demonic voice.] “Ha! You rolled a one! You are a weak little morsel.”

The light from Mark’s sword dimmed. [A heavy punch.] With one punch, Demon Milkboy knocked Mark across the dining room and into the abyss.

“Maaaaark!!!”

When the initial shock of losing Mark wore off and I remembered that I could still save Tim, I shouted, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why the fuck are you like this? None of this makes sense! Who the fuck hurt you so bad that you go and do shit like this?”

I waited for the demon to come down on me with all its might, but it didn’t. I stood up and got face to face with Demon Milkboy.

“I asked you a question? Who hurt you?!”

[Demonic voice.] “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do! Someone hurt you really bad to make you like this.”

[Demonic voice.]“SILENCE!!!”

“I’ll shut up if you just tell me who hurt you!”

[Demonic voice.] “Everybody! Everybody, okay?! Everybody who picked on you at Walt Whitman Junior High School. Every motherfucker who pelted Mark with biscuits in the cafeteria. Every person who made Tim feel so self-conscious about himself that he shoulders unnecessary emotional weight every day. Every person who gave Lance a wedgie before he bulked up in self-defense. I am a manifestation of all that and more—I am the pain of youth made real!“

[A sizzling droplet.]

A single tear sizzled and evaporated as it rolled down Demon Milkboy’s cheek.

“I know that shit hurts,” I said. “But it’s in the past. That was then. It doesn’t mean the memories go away and stop stinging, but you find the people who love you and don’t let go of them.”

[Demonic voice.] “That’s easy for you to say. Nobody loves me…”

[A clasping bear-hug.]

I hugged Demon Milkboy as hard as I could.

[Demonic voice.] “STOP!!! NOOOOOO!!!”

It felt like I was holding a burning tree trunk as the demon struggled to get free. [Sizzling and yelling.] I bore the pain and held tight as it smoldered and lost power. When it was done and gone, I held Lance Fusco in my arms.

“What the fuck is going on?” he said.

[Hellish sounds diminish. A call for help.]

As the hellscape faded in the apartment, we heard Mark call for help from the closing abyss.

[Running. Clasping hands; a body dragged to its feet.]

[A sealing portal.]

Lance and I rushed to the edge and pulled him up right before it was sealed beneath the carpet. We removed the gag from Tim’s mouth and untied him.

“Are you okay?” I said?

“Yeah. I think so. I have no fucking idea what just happened, but I’m fine.”

“What about you, Lance?” Mark said.

“Yeah, I’m okay. The last thing I remember was sitting in my apartment thinking about how I still have such a hard time making friends. I got pissed at myself and started pounding myself in the head. I heard a pop, like my skull opened and released something.”

“It’s a long story,” Mark said. “I dropped Tim’s birthday dinner into the abyss, but we can order pizza, drink some beer, and catch you up on the last week. You’re welcome to stay and celebrate Tim’s birthday with us. Maybe play some D&D…”

“I’d like that,” Lance said. “Happy birthday, Tim.”

“Yeah, happy birthday,” Mark and I said in unison.

“Thanks, guys. If nothing else, it’s been memorable…”

We all looked at the birthday cake on the table. The roiling mass it was before morphed into a normal cake. Mark started singing.

“Happy birthday to you…”

Lance joined in: “Happy birthday to you…”

Then me: “Happy birthday, dear Tim. Happy birthday to you…”

[A breath blowing out candles.]

[Jangly guitar music plays.]

I don’t know what Tim wished for when he blew out the candles on that cake, and I never asked him. Maybe I will someday. I don’t know if Mark or Lance made a wish, but I did—I figured, “Why the hell not? We just fought a fuckin’ demon!” And so, in that moment, I wished we’d all still be friends when we grew older and gray.

I’m happy to report it’s one of the only wishes in my life to ever come true.

[Guitar music intensifies, and then fades…]

* * *

[The sounds of full-blown Hell. Flapping wings; feet landing on rock.]

DEMON MB:             Master…

SATAN:                      What is it, little one?

DEMON MB:             Master, I am sorry I failed you, but in my stumbling, I have discovered a new way to rule His children above. A manner of temptation and addiction unlike any we could have dreamed. A mechanism of division that will impregnate their existence with chaos and compel them to destroy each other without our influence.

SATAN:                      Oh? Do tell…

DEMON MB:             No, let me show you…

[The Bleeps and Bloops of a Dial-Up Modem.]

[Fingers typing on a keyboard.]

SATAN:                      [Laughter] Oh, how sinister. Oh, how utterly delicious…

[Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks. My voice is gone—you can probably tell. Uhm…I need to work at that kinda thing a little bit better! Probably should have read all the demon voices at the end because hooooooo, I’m sure that got a little rough at the end. But…happy birthday, Tim! You suffered through so many years of friendship with us, so…my voice just suffered for you. Anyway…

I’m gonna probably do the rest of this almost in the demon voice because it comes through better.

Theme music, as always, is by Ergo Phizmiz. Story music this time is by Birdies, licensed through Epidemic Sound. To save time creating an ambient Hellscape, I licensed one of Michaël Ghelfi’s many ambient tracks. If you’re in need of background sound for role-playing games, parties, your workday, or something to fall asleep to, Michaël has your back. I’ll also be sure to leave a link to his website and YouTube channel in the show notes.

Sound effects are always made in-house or from freesound.org. I’m really losing my voice. Anyway…do I have a call at work tomorrow? If I do, they’re gonna be like, “What the hell?” and I’ll just go into the demon voice—and they’ll be like, “Wooo, something’s wrong with Chris. Why the fuck did we hire him?”

In November, the annual tradition continues as I share the most NOT Not About Lumberjacks story of the year, in honor of the show’s sixth anniversary! Yes: six years. What’s the story about, you wonder? Two deadhead loggers find something remarkable in the Piney Woods of East Texas, putting them at odds with a large timber company.

Anyway…visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the show, the voice talent, and the music.

So…until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

* * *

[Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks. My voice is gone—you can probably tell. Uhm…I need to work at that kinda thing a little bit better! Probably should have read all the demon voices at the end because hooooooo, I’m sure that got a little rough at the end. But…happy birthday, Tim! You suffered through so many years of friendship with us, so…my voice just suffered for you. Anyway…

I’m gonna probably do the rest of this almost in the demon voice because it comes through better.

Theme music, as always, is by Ergo Phizmiz. Story music this time is by Birdies, licensed through Epidemic Sound. To save time creating an ambient Hellscape, I licensed one of Michaël Ghelfi’s many ambient tracks. If you’re in need of background sound for role-playing games, parties, your workday, or something to fall asleep to, Michaël has your back. I’ll also be sure to leave a link to his website and YouTube channel in the show notes.

Sound effects are always made in-house or from freesound.org. I’m really losing my voice. Anyway…do I have a call at work tomorrow? If I do, they’re gonna be like, “What the hell?” and I’ll just go into the demon voice—and they’ll be like, “Woah, something’s wrong with Chris. Why the fuck did we hire him?”

Anyway…visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the show, the voice talent, and the music.

In November, the annual tradition continues as I share the most NOT Not About Lumberjacks story of the year, in honor of the show’s sixth anniversary! Yes: six years. What’s the story about, you wonder? Two deadhead loggers find something remarkable in the Piney Woods of East Texas, putting them at odds with a large timber company.

So…until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

And now, some bloopers…

[Jaunty guitar music fades in, joined by a trumpet.]

[A wet belch.]

Christopher Gronlund:

Oh, belchy-belchy! Oh…? That smelled like a really good dinner belch. Cynthia’s been cooking lately…really good stuff. Lotta lime in that belch! Mmmm! [Sound of smacking lips.]

* * *

[Sound of distant emergency vehicles sirens.]

This fuckin’ sucks…

[Sirens intensify…Christopher mimics them.]

Now watch this be the day the apartments are actually on fire and they’re like, at the door pounding…like, “You gotta get out now! Everything’s on fire.”

And I’m like, “I’m in the middle of recording.” And they’re like, “Don’t matter, Hoss — if I gotta throw you over my shoulder and carry you down them stairs — that’s what I’m gonna do.”

And I’d be like, “I’d like to see you try. I look like a big guy, but I’ve got the weight of a fat guy, motherfucker.”

* * *

“The cross seemed to repel Demon Meek— … MeekBoy! He’s not meek—he’s fuckin’ evil…”

* * *

[Inhalation of breath, followed by a belch.]

* * *

Oh, this is shredding my voice!

[The sound of the cap on a metal water bottle being unscrewed.]

* * *

With one punch…Ugh, my voice. Getting shredded!

* * *

[Spoken line, but slightly garbbled.] With one punch…With one punch— [Mimics microphone sound.] Whoob whoob…Why is that sounding soooo bad?! [Throat clear.]

* * *

[Demon voice without deep processing]

Everybody who picked on you at Walt Whit— [Deep breath.] Everyone who picked on—Uhhhh, my voice! This is…this is terrible!

* * *

As the hellscape— Oh, my voice is gone. I-I can’t finish this, maybe… [Throat clear.]

[Music fades out.]

[Listen]

[Quirky music fades in…]

Christopher Gronlund:

I want to make one thing perfectly clear: this show is not about lumberjacks…

My name is Christopher Gronlund, and every month I share a story. Sometimes the stories contain truths, but most of the time, they’re made up. Sometimes the stories are funny — other times they’re serious. But you have my word about one thing: I will never — EVER — share a story about lumberjacks.

This time, Cynthia Griffith narrates a story I wrote about an unemployed writer lands her dream job, but it comes with much more than she bargained for in the form of an African Grey parrot named Horus.

All right–let’s get to work…

Cynthia Griffith Narration:

Horus.

In the eighth month of my unemployment, I did something I hadn’t done since my early 20s: I picked up the local newspaper to look at the classifieds. My LinkedIn account had long gone stale, bringing in more spam than job offers. I’d long passed the frustration of loading my resume to company websites, only to then be forced to fill out all the information again through a form–never to hear if it was received, let alone if I was ever considered for the position. I even thought about Craigslist, but I’d heard stories. So the newspaper it was.

Trying to find a copy of the local paper wasn’t as easy as it used to be. For a while as I drove around town early on a Sunday morning, I thought maybe they had ceased publication. The possibility seemed odd, considering the town had grown from 5,000 people to almost 30,000 people in the 20 years since last looking at the classifieds. As long as a generation that grew up with newspapers still breathes, our small-town paper still finds a way. I finally found the one machine in town offering The Herald; it looked like the same machine from the 90s, which was probably already 20 years old when I first picked up a copy while looking for work when I was younger. It was in the parking lot of an old strip mall that now sits mostly vacant. The few shops and restaurants remaining come and go, the victim of people my age thinking, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to own a quaint little shop in our hometown?” only to find out that, no—it wouldn’t. A faux town square meant to look like it’s always existed on the other side of town buried the ambitions of the 80s strip mall about the time I graduated college in the early 90s.

I put a quarter into the machine and tugged at the door. Locked! I inserted another quarter and the worn door flopped open by itself with a creak and a clang. Fifty cents for the local paper dispensed from a machine so old that they never bothered to update the price. I tossed the paper onto the passenger seat of my car and got in on the other side. Before clearing the parking lot, my phone rang. My mother.

“What’s wrong?” I said.

“Nothing’s wrong. Why would something be wrong?”

“It’s a quarter after 6:00 on a Sunday morning. You sleep in.”

“I got up to pee and decided to call to see if you were getting an early start on your job hunt. It’s a new week.”

“Yes, Mom—I know. I’m picking up a newspaper at this very moment.”

“Good for you, Sarah. The early bird gets the good job.”

My mother had a funny way of reworking clichés into things she didn’t believe were clichés. Growing up, I heard things like, “Every cloud has another brighter lining,” “You need to get your ducks to the pond,” and “Don’t cry over spilled milk when there’s gin on the floor worth crying over…”

That last one. I wouldn’t call my mom an alcoholic, but from 4:00 in the afternoon to 9:00 in the evening, there was always a gin and tonic in my mother’s hand.

“Yep, that’s me,” I said. “The early bird.”

The dead air on the other side of the call meant that my mom really didn’t call about my job hunt; something more was coming. I counted in my head, “one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand…”

“You know,” my mother said. “I hope you find someone really nice next year. You really need two incomes to make it in the world today.”

No wish for a good job in the new year; for my mother, the solution was a man providing another income. Never mind that my mother never worked a job a day in her life. I’m convinced my mother and father fucked only once—my mother probably finding it all too sloppy, especially the mess that accompanied my entry into the world. I don’t know what my mother really wanted from life, but I know she never wanted a kid. My mother and father were a couple existing in space only, two electrons circling a nucleus of lies sold to them when they were young. I knew Susan, my nanny, better than I knew my mother. That strange way my mother looked at me, as though I were some kind of specimen, would take the rest of my life to decipher if I decided to carry that weight. But it was my mother’s burden to carry—not mine. I’m good at letting go of things.

“I like being alone, Mom. If I meet someone in the coming year, fine. If I don’t, fine.”

“You shouldn’t be okay with that, Sarah. I don’t know why you have to make everything so difficult. You can always come home and write and not have a worry in the world.”

“A little worry keeps me going. I really need to get going to get a jump on the job hunt. Tell Dad I said hello and that I send my love.”

“Okay, I’m going to go pee, now.”

I wanted to say something about how most people would have taken care of that before calling their grown daughter and pretending to check on her job hunt, but I wanted off the phone even more. “Okay, Mom. I love you.”

” Good day, Sarah.”

I thumbed through the local paper as I drank coffee and polished off a doughnut I picked up on the way home. The big news story was the upcoming annual holiday parade on Main Street and an angry letter to the editor about the “War on Christmas,” despite our town calling it a holiday parade from its start back in the 50s. That’s what constituted front page news where I lived, and I always found comfort in that. I like a place where the environment doesn’t take over the thoughts in one’s head.

It had been such a long time since looking at the paper for a job that I wondered who actually used the classifieds to look for work instead of going online with their search. There were postings for restaurant help, cleaning services, and plenty of warehouse jobs requiring skills like being able to count in multiples of 12, the ability to see colors, and not having issues standing for 10 hours. There were ads for plumbers, laborers, and delivery drivers; pickers, packers, and loaders. It’s not that I saw any of those jobs beneath me, but I was doing well enough that I could go another couple months before nerves really set in—and I knew there were people more in need of immediate work than me. Then I saw it:

Wanted: Writer’s Assistant.

Established novelist seeks writing assistant. Duties include: research, office tasks, and occasional errands. Perks include time to work on your own projects. Writing samples required.

(214) 555-1212

Ask for Lauren

I expected Lauren to live in a nice neighborhood when she told me she lived in Highland Park and to buzz her at the front gate, but as I drove along walled properties obscured even further by trees—only occasionally catching a glimpse of the massive houses situated far back on plots of land that gave way to even more space—I wasn’t expecting her to live in one of the houses off of Preston Road even I dreamed about living in when I was younger. My parents never wanted for money, but even they talked about Highland Park as though it were a magical place a million miles away from our family home in Southlake. I drove along a long wall covered in ivy before seeing Lauren’s address near an elaborate wrought iron gate leading into the property. I pulled up and pressed the buzzer. A few moments later, I heard an older woman’s voice say, “Yes?”

“Hello. My name’s Sarah Nelson. I have a two-o’-clock appointment with Lauren Mitchell.”

“Hello, Sarah. Please drive up. I’m wrapping up with another candidate now. I’ll meet you at the front door.”

The gate opened and I drove along the winding driveway, lost in a tangle of bare trees and landscaped evergreens. Sometime back in the 30s when the house was built, great care was given to present the home to visitors in all its splendor. A bend in the way revealed a mansion nestled in trees that opened like a stage curtain (I could only imagine it in the spring). It was the kind of place built as a reminder that Dallas is not without its own old money families.

I pulled around the large circle before the house and parked behind a Toyota Prius with a NAMASTE bumper sticker on the back. The sound of the fountain in the center of it all soothed any tension that had built up on the drive over. At the top of the stairs leading to the house, I bumped into the interviewee before me, a 20-something-year old who looked like she was trying a bit too much to look like a writer. Everything about her was meant to look natural and thrown together, but the effort was apparent: a floppy hat, scarf, and sweater—even though it was one of those December days in the upper 70s. Her skirt was light enough to billow when she walked, as though she were constantly followed by an unseen breeze. She put on a pair of vintage sunglasses and looked at the only part of her ensemble she had nothing to do with: a Band-Aid on her finger. The white-haired woman behind her exuding a natural style one cannot buy said, “I will get back to you later this week. And I apologize again about the bite.”

The interviewee said, “It’s okay,” but I could tell it wasn’t. When I said hello, she ignored me and scurried for her car.

I recognized Lauren Mitchell immediately, only I knew her by her pen name: Marie Sinclair. She smiled at me and said, “Do you recognize me?”

I hoped I wasn’t blushing. “You’re Marie Sinclair.”

“That’s a good start.” She stepped aside and said, “Please. Come inside.”

I made the connection that I’d already seen the inside of the house, in an issue of D Magazine featuring the homes of famous Dallasites. Of all the homes in the feature, Lauren’s was the home I dreamed about. The stone, French-style mansion could have been uprooted, moved to the North Shore of Long Island, and been Fitzgerald’s inspiration for a party in The Great Gatsby. A slate roof gave the appearance of sunlight breaking through dark clouds, making everything beneath appear bright and perfect. Stepping back and taking in the blue sky, gray roof, white building, manicured green shrubbery, and golden-brown lawn was like looking at a world layered in a parfait glass.  

“You’re the only one I’ve interviewed who recognized me,” Lauren said.

I wanted to say, “Of course I recognize you–you’re the writer I’ve aspired to become. To have a short chat about writing over a cup of tea would be wonderful, and here I am in your actual house!” Instead, I said, “I appreciate your writing and thank you for this opportunity.”

My mother would have been proud.

“Well, thank you. Between us, you provided the best writing samples of the three final candidates.”

My thank you was interrupted by a loud squawk.

“That’s Horus.”

Lauren stopped at the door leading into her study and gestured for me to enter. I couldn’t have imagined a better room in which to write. It was like stepping back to the mid-18th century. The rug on the floor looked like it had seen great leaders rise and fall; the plasterwork on the walls and ceiling seemingly applied by a giant wielding a massive pastry bag. Why bother with a desk lamp when you could have two crystal chandeliers lighting the way, and the Louis XIV style chairs may have been the real thing. What really caught my eye was to the side of the most ornate desk I’d ever seen: a cage as tall as me. Sitting on a perch attached to the top of it was an African Grey parrot. I smiled and said, “You must be Horus?”

The bird tilted his head to the side, and I looked at Lauren. She nodded, and I approached the cage. Horus climbed down from his perch and waddled to the edge, just about eye level to me. I extended my hand while thinking about the interviewee before me with the Band-Aid on her finger. Horus stretched out and then offered to me the back of his head. I ruffled his feathers against the grain and presented my hand. He rested the tip of his beak on my index finger and scrutinized it with his dry tongue. His pupils dilated, and he said, “Hello.”

“Hello, Horus,” I said.

The rest of the interview was a breeze; I was offered the job before leaving.

It was never lost on me how fortunate I was to stumble upon that classified ad. Lauren explained to me that she went to newspapers in smaller towns in the area because she figured someone still reading papers had better odds to be what she was looking for. She said, “I have nothing against 20-year-olds, but I hoped someone with a little more experience would respond. Also, I just didn’t want to fuck with Craigslist.”

I didn’t feel that I worked all that much during my days there. I did some proofreading, organized mail, and kept Lauren’s schedule, but most of the time I was allowed to work on my own writing. Lauren even read the occasional page at random, and always said, “You’ve yet to lose my interest.” Sometimes when she read my writing, Horus leaped to her shoulder from his cage and appeared to read along.

“He looks like he understands,” I said one day.

“He’s a very smart bird. Have you ever held a parrot?”

“Once when I was a kid. At a zoo.”

“Would you like to hold him?”

I nodded, and she picked up Horus and handed him to me.

I scratched the back of his head and said, “You’re such a sweetie.”

Lauren laughed.

“What?” I said.

“You didn’t use the baby voice. Everybody uses the baby voice.”

“Honestly, there’s something about his eyes. Like if I used the baby voice I’d piss him off.”

Lauren smiled and said, “Well, something tells me you’re safe.”

As I moved into my fourth month working for Lauren, she said, “Do you like your commute?”

“I don’t mind it,” I said.

“But you don’t like it?”

“Not particularly. The area’s grown so much. No matter how much they widen LBJ, it’s crowded and mean.”

“So was LBJ. If I may be a bit presumptuous, I assume the guest house out back is larger than where you’re living now?”

“Yes, I believe it is,” I said, knowing full well it was.

“It’s vacant and needs some work, but it’s yours if you’d like.”

“That’s very generous, Lauren, but I can’t accept that.”

“Sure you can. Think of it as passing a 90-day probationary period. You’re not going to find a better offer elsewhere, and I’m going to bother you until you accept.”

I don’t know why, but I looked to Horus. “What do you think?”

He ruffled his feathers and squawked, “Yes!”

“By needing some work,” Lauren meant the guest house by the pool only needed a little light dusting. Like the interior of the main house, everything in the guest house was designed to be magazine perfect. I hate to admit it, but I kept waiting to see what the catch was. A job, a free house, and all the time I wanted to work on my own writing didn’t come without a cost.

The phone rang one afternoon while I was sitting by the pool reading a galley for the book Lauren finished before I started working for her. It was my mother. After our Hello’s, she got right to it.

“I’m worried about you, Sarah.”

“Why, mother?”

“It’s not right. It makes no sense. This woman gives you everything and asks for nothing in return? Do you think she’s…you know…?”

“What, Mom? What do I know?”

“You know,” she said. And then she whispered, “gay…”

“I’m not going to justify that with an answer.” I didn’t care if Lauren was gay; I only cared if perhaps she was and had feelings for me that I would never have for her. I would never have wanted to see Lauren hurt.

“You say you work for her and that she likes your writing, but don’t be surprised when she asks you for…” More whispering, “You know…”

“No, I don’t know. Mom, I’m done with this call.”

“Don’t hang up on me, Sarah. I’m trying to help. Your writing isn’t that good—”

“What?” The years spilled out of me. “How the hell would you know if my writing is good or not? You were never there for me when I was young, and all you do is pick at me as an adult. You’ve never even read my writing; in fact, you’ve always told me it was a silly dream—that I should just get married and settle down! You know what? I’m tired of this shit. I’m done speaking to you. Not just this call—I’m just done!”

I hung up and blocked my mother’s number.

When I calmed down, I looked up and saw Lauren and Horus watching me from the conservatory.

The day after telling my mother I was done dealing with her shit, everything seemed to turn for me: the right agent, publisher, and then editor. Writing under the pen name, Cynthia Burkehart, my first published novel received more praise than I ever imagined, and all that came with supporting the release was more exhausting and fun than I believed it would be. Only on rare occasion was it insinuated that Lauren had anything to do with my success; Lauren insisted from the start that she’d help me find my way as a writer, but finding my way to publication was up to me. My third novel was my first bestseller, initially doing better than the book Lauren released that year. But there was a benefit to having history as a writer. While my releases and successes came in flashes, Lauren’s climbs and slides were never as quick. I was winning sprints while she was winning marathons.

And that was what my life was like for over a decade, until the day Lauren Mitchell–a.k.a. Marie Sinclair–died.

For all the things I took care of for Lauren over the years, we never discussed a will. I found nothing in the office cabinets, so I wandered into the library. That’s when I heard someone say, “I have never found a good way to ease into this, so I’ll just get right to it: I am not what I seem.”

I picked up a marble bust from a table and charged into the office, ready to defend myself and Horus.

There was nobody there.

“You can set Mr. Irving down,” Horus said, sounding almost wholly human. “While Washington would make as good a bludgeon as any author, there is no need to defend yourself against me.”

I was slack-jawed with surprise.

“I realize this is strange, that you might think you’re losing your mind. But I assure you, Sarah, you are not.”

“You’re talking. Not like parrot talk, but talking-talk.”

“Yes.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Yes. Normally, anyway. But as I mentioned, I am not what I seem. There is a safe behind the portrait of me on the wall. In case you’ve ever wondered: yes, that is me, and it is an original Audubon.”

“How old are you?” I said.

“I do not know for sure, but I remember The Battle of Hastings. So at least 950 years old or so. The memory fades a bit after a few hundred years.”

“There is no way.”

“I realize this is overwhelming. The contents of the safe should make things more clear.”

I carefully removed the Audubon painting from the wall and set it on the desk. Horus gave me the combination to the safe. Inside was a stack of large envelopes and an old, leather-bound book. I spent the afternoon going over everything with Horus, amazed by how quickly I came to accept him speaking like a human. The legal transfer of all of Lauren’s possessions to me were in order. I was overwhelmed by that, but even more struck by a letter in Lauren’s hand ending with this:

I never had a child of my own, Sarah, but know this: you were more than any son or daughter I could have imagined.

You’re in very good hands,

Lauren

The rest of the day was spent bombarding Horus with questions:

“Why wouldn’t Lauren have told me about you?”

“I am sorry. I take a strange pleasure in the initial reveal. I may be old, but my ego and sense of humor remain intact. I love the looks on people’s faces…”

* * *

“But what if someone along the way just dumped you off at a pet store or decided, ‘I’m going to make a mint off this talking parrot’?”

“Honestly, Sarah. Are you about to give up a parrot that genuinely speaks? And if you decide to suddenly throw away your writing career for touring with me, I am quite stubborn, and all a crowd will get is squawks and, ‘Polly wanna cracker.'”

“What if Lauren had suddenly died on you before I came along?”

“As you’ll soon see, we’ll set up the office phone so if something terrible happens to you, I will be able to call 911. A news story about a parrot calling the authorities and squawking out his address will ensure I end up someplace safe, with all this still in my possession.”

* * *

Later I asked, “What’s up with that book?” That book being the old book found in the safe with all the papers.

“That’s my journal. These days, everything is typed and stored on the cloud, but back then, the people I shared lives with wrote for me in their own hand. You’ll be amazed by some of the hands you’ll meet in that tome.”

He wasn’t kidding: he’d spent his years in the company of world leaders, artists, writers, and businessmen. I couldn’t believe the things I read in the journal.

“You came to America with Charles Dickens?”

“Yes,” Horus said. “1842. It was a rough crossing of the Atlantic on the HMS Britannia, and I was not about to return to England and relive that experience. Besides, Dickens never needed my assistance.

“I was given to Washington Irving, which was quite to my liking. Through him, I met other American writers. This may be hard to believe, but I am the inspiration behind Poe’s “The Raven”—and Melville’s Moby Dick is really the symbolic story of my crossing of the Atlantic in rough seas…”

I was regaled with tales of the New York City literary scene during Victorian times. To hear Horus tell it, his influence is all over early American fiction.

“I wanted something much different from British literature; something over which people would argue. It’s a wonderfully efficient way to keep a thing alive: insert just enough difference and provincial pride into opposing forces and watch people generations removed from a thing still argue about which is better.”

Regarding his name, he said, “No, I am not as old as the pharaohs, but as a very ancient bird, Horus is much better than my given name: Edward.”

I asked him how he got to Texas of all places.

“Irving gave me to Melville.” He laughed. “Listen to me, I make it sound as though I were an object to be traded, but I must admit to being limited in my mobility. As Melville aged, I went to live with an editor Melville was sure would become a great writer. It never happened, though—he refused to take my advice. He was more suited for business, anyway, and in the early 1900s, when oil was discovered in Texas, I suggested we head west. I typically move from family to family, but I stayed with the Mitchell’s for several generations. Lauren’s grandfather made a good life for himself and settled in Dallas after finding his fortune. I was passed on to Lauren’s mother and eventually to her. Now, I belong to you.”

I didn’t like the way that sounded, as though Horus were simply a knick-knack on a shelf. But then I remembered how the ages had influenced him and what he meant was that he’d given his service and care to me.

When everything was settled after Lauren’s passing, I asked Horus if he wanted to move elsewhere—even another country.

“Oh, no,” he said. “The trip to America was bad enough. While I fly, I have no desire to fly in a plane. I’d be crated, drugged, and quarantined. Stick a feather in my cap and call me macaroni—I’m happy to be in America, right where I am.”

And so was I.

There came a point in the years that followed where I locked into a stride and became the kind of writer Lauren once was: steady and patient. I toured less and wrote more, all the while with Horus right there at my side, reading from my shoulder. It’s not like I was without other friends, but I was always quite content with a solitary life even before meeting Lauren and Horus. The friends I had in publishing were plenty; I had more than I could ever want.

And then one day it was my turn to interview the person who would replace me and care for Horus when I was gone. I wasn’t as concerned as Lauren in finding someone creeping into middle age as I was when Lauren found me; besides, while the old newspaper machine was still in the parking lot of the shopping center near my hometown, it hadn’t seen a newspaper in ages. There were still, however, bulletin boards on college campuses, so I placed my ad at SMU, UTA, The University of North Texas, and Texas Women’s University.

Wanted: Assistant.

Established novelist (yes, some people still read and write novels) seeks an assistant. Duties include: research, office tasks, and occasional errands. Perks include time to work on your own projects. Samples of your work—whatever that may be—required.

(214) 555-1212

Ask for Sarah

Just as Lauren narrowed it down to three candidates, so did I. And just as Lauren chose me for recognizing who she was, I chose Ayana Danjuma; not solely because she recognized me, but because she was the only candidate who wanted to write. When I told her books were barely a thing anymore, she smiled and said, “I know, but I’m not going to let them die on my watch.”

For 22 years, just as Lauren did with me, I read Ayana’s stories and nudged her in the right direction. And I’ll be damned if she didn’t publish a novel right about the time the NeuralNet crashed and people looked for some kind of entertainment outside of cyberspace. For over two decades we worked together…until my days finally came to an end.

We’d reached a point with medicine where most of the things that killed us when I was young were no longer a fear. My lungs were never the best, though, and it’s not like I could swallow a pill and grow a new set. A series of colds, bouts of bronchitis, and pneumonia finally wore me down to a point where I was done fighting. I’d live on in Horus’s stories.

Ayana was in the guest house when it happened. Horus flew down from his perch in the bedroom where he’d insisted on staying while I was weak. I felt the tug at my sleeve and looked down to see Horus standing on the blankets. He was smarter than any human I’d ever met, yet it always amazed me when he’d do parrot things; so much so that I wondered if it was biological wiring or something he did just to calm me down.

The last thing I remembered was him saying, “This is the only part of being me that I hate.”

Epilogue

From the Journal of Ayana Danjuma

August 21, 2057

And that was what my life was like for more than two decades, until the day Sarah Nelson—a.k.a. Cynthia Burkehart—died. A pall fell upon the house, until the day I was in the library and heard a voice from the office:

“I have never found a good way to ease into this, so I’ll just get right to it. I am not what I seem…”

* * *

Christopher Gronlund:

A big thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks – and thank you to Cynthia Griffith for narrating Horus. All music by Ergo Phizmiz and Podington Bear, released under a Creative Commons license. Not about Lumberjacks is also released under a Creative Commons license. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the show, the voice talent, and music…and cfgriffith.com for information about Cynthia.

Next month, the adult son of a hoarder finally figures why his father collects things when the two set out to retrieve some dogs seen running loose in a field.

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!

[Listen]

[Intro music plays]

Woman’s Voice:

This is Behind the Cut with Christopher Gronlund. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.

[Music fades out]

Christopher Gronlund:

Behind the Cut is an inside look at episodes of Not About Lumberjacks and often contains spoilers. If you’ve not listened to the latest episode, “Calling Out of Time,” and that’s a concern, go listen and check this out when you’re done.

And now: onward!

* * *

“Calling Out of Time” started with a tweet.

On May 25^th, author Blake Butler shared an almost creepy post on Twitter. It was a photo of an old rotary pay phone in a booth on a dark corner in a city. The caption accompanying the tweet: “There has never been a phone booth on this corner before tonight.”

If that’s not a story prompt, I don’t know what is.

Most replies to the tweet joked about the Bill and Ted movies, Dr. Who, and that it was probably the entrance to the Ministry of Magic from Harry Potter. But I couldn’t shake the image from my head…and what might happen if there suddenly appeared a phone booth where, previously, one didn’t exist.

* * *

People seem fascinated by where writers get their ideas…as if writers have some strange connection to a magical space where ideas swirl, and all it takes is reaching in and grabbing one. Or, it seems, others believe it must be a difficult thing requiring great effort.

But really, it’s as simple as being open to ideas and asking ourself, “What if?”

* * *

If I’ve learned nothing else at day jobs, it’s that people often shut themselves down before beginning. If an idea doesn’t spring fully formed from their heads, well—how can it be a good idea at all? I once knew somebody who said she didn’t like thinking because sometimes her thoughts were “stupid.” To brainstorm on a piece of paper would mean physical proof that sometimes things they deemed dumb came out of their head.

How sad is that? But while someone that extreme in their own self-denial might not be as common, I’ve been in enough “think outside the box” sessions in meetings to know many people think their ideas are not worth it.

* * *

Right now, I have 85 ideas for Not About Lumberjacks stories at the ready. Some of them are very rough ideas I’ll likely never write. Others overlap. Some seem to come out so ready that entire passages are written in those initial moments of thinking, “What if?”

People who know me sometimes lovingly tease me about my love of the “What if?” game…where I take even the most mundane situation and approach it from all sides, wondering what more it might become. But in being open to this process, I have an Evernote file full of short story ideas. I have novel ideas, ideas for articles, and even ideas for role playing games.

I’m not precious about ideas because they mean very little until the effort is made to make them something more.

* * *

I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a writer who has not encountered the following situation:

“Hey, I have this great idea for a novel. You should write it, and I’ll give you some of the money when it sells.”

Ignoring the fact that most completed novels don’t sell, it says a lot about how some people feel about ideas. While the person I mentioned at an old job limits herself by shutting the door on her mind before anything can step through, others think something as basic as, “This phone booth appears on a corner and a guy sees it,” is worth millions.

And why do the work when you can be an idea-man, right?

I’m usually very kind when people approach me, but I’ve had it in me when I was younger to be blunt with those people. Sometimes I’d even toy with them; other times I’d explain the effort of writing a novel and why I’d deserve far more than the 10% offered when the book “becomes a bestseller.” (Because those kinds of people always believe their shit smells like flowers.)

Today, I just tell people I appreciate them thinking about me, but have plenty of ideas of my own.

* * *

And if I’m being honest, ideas do matter—things have to begin somewhere after all. And I’d be lying if I told you there’s no difference in the weight of some ideas to others. Some ideas really do seem to write themselves.

I‘m not one of those writers who wishes I wrote other things. I’m not prone to jealousy. But there have definitely been times I’ve thought, “Damn! I wish I’d have thought of that…”

In my file of 85 ideas, some of them are better concepts than others. Those are the ideas I often go to when I’m a little stuck and need to remember the feeling of finishing something. Other ideas might result in deeper stories once all the “What ifs?” have played out and starts and stops show me where to go.

“Calling Out of Time” was one of those ideas that seemed to write itself. A phone booth appears out of nowhere…why? “What if it was a prank? What if it was a trap? Or…what if it was magical and let the protagonist call his old phone number and speak to his younger self?”

There, it could have become humorous…an adult imploring his younger self not to make the same mistakes he did. Maybe a few more “What ifs,” and you figure out a way to make the actions of the kid affect the present version of himself.

It could have been a lesson about greed: the grown-up version calling the younger self and telling them to invest in certain stocks to endure wealth in adulthood.

There are so many “What ifs” one can play with if they are willing to let their thoughts go.

Sitting down to write “Calling Out of Time,” I knew Amir lost something when he was younger that shaped the direction of his life. Ideas came and went, and I settled on him trying to stop a household fire that killed his immediate family when he was twelve years old.

From there, all it took was sitting down and doing the work.

* * *

[Quirky music fades in…]

Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.

In a month or so, it’s a story that begins: “The Quaking Bog Man was gone, and Crazy Mike was found dead behind the maintenance barn, covered in grass pink and rose pogonia blossoms.” Who doesn’t love a mystery set in a bog in northern Illinois?

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!