[Listen]
[Intro music plays]
[Woman’s Voice]
This is Behind the Cut with Christopher Gronlund. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.
[Music fades out]
Christopher Gronlund:
Behind the Cut is an in-depth look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks and likely contains spoilers of the most recent story. You’ve been warned…”
* * *
A very good friend of the family, upon listening to the latest Not About Lumberjacks story, “Revisions,” said, “I know that mother!” Meaning: this is based on your mom, right?
I mentioned the mother in “Revisions” is an amalgamation of moms I’ve known…but mostly, a made-up mom.
This friend still insisted the character was wholly based on my mom…
But…nope!
Outside of enjoying some camping trips in Wisconsin and a time she went to the Kerrville Folk Festival with one of her friends, my mom would rather enjoy the creature comforts of home than sleep outside. Even when younger, you’d not find her living in state and national parks, backpacking around the world, or living in communes and squatted buildings.
Even the mom that aspect of the mother in “Revisions” is loosely based on wasn’t that wild and free in her youth…although she was definitely more a hippie than my mom—who was really more a beatnik who sided with hippies in demonstrations and other stands taken in the 60s. 70s, and beyond.
It’s fairly common for people to assume once some tiny bit of influence creeps into a story that it’s truth.
* * *
Here is where my mom is in “Revisions.” She is a ridiculously supportive person who never crushed my sense of wonder—someone who encouraged me to never shy away from the things that interested me. She extended a level of trust to me that few friends had from their parents. She was always there when I needed her, even though there were times—as a single mom of two kids in the 70s—she didn’t want the responsibilities of motherhood.
My mom was encouraged to study programming by the company she worked for just as the computer boom of the late 70s and early 80s was taking off. But…as a single mom who was doing well enough to work, raise kids on her own (when that was still not very common), all she wanted to do after work was enjoy dinner with her kids and then relax. The mom in “Revisions” pursuing the opportunity to become a programmer is based more on female scientists and tech pioneers I look up to—women I’ve never met.
I personally know of no moms who have built their own homes, although maybe my friend’s hippie-ish mom did a lot of construction on her first house on St. John in the Virgin Islands…I don’t know…
So, there are definitely two moms who inspired the mother in “Revisions,” two people very dear to me—but inspiration is where things stop.
Just because a writer might look at people in their lives for an initial spark of a character, it doesn’t mean that character has much more in common with the influences than that starting point. (Of course, some writers do look at real people for more than inspiration—some writers write stories that blur the lines of fiction and autobiography. Hell, one of the books I look forward to reading this year is Brad Listi’s Be Brief and Tell Them Everything. Listi and his publisher don’t hide that it’s autofiction…and perhaps because of that, I expect it will be great!)
Speaking of Bradi Listi, he’s the host of the Otherppl podcast—a show where he has great discussions with [mostly] literary writers. A favorite interview is with a writer named Bud Smith, who grew up, at times during his youth, in KOA campgrounds.
In a weird way, one could argue that one tidbit about Bud Smith inspired “Revisions” as much as anyone’s mom…including mine.
* * *
Another thing people often assume is that when a writer writes about an author…they are actually writing and about concerns and feelings the writer shares with the author in the story. I’m sure many writers have used authors in stories to discuss what they think and feel, but that’s not the case with the protagonist in “Revisions” and me.
The author in Revisions frets and procrastinates. I sit down and I write. I write during lunch whether I’m in the office or working from home. (In fact, I’m roughing out this episode of Behind the Cut on a lunch break.) I don’t distract myself with other things to avoid writing. I write because sure, I have a certain compulsion to do it, but if I didn’t enjoy it, I’d not do it.
Perhaps because I was raised by a mom who encouraged me to pursue the creative endeavors I love, I don’t suffer from the struggles some writers seem to have. I don’t question or doubt my abilities. That’s not to say I never struggle through sections of stories, but that’s part of the process to me. I know with confidence that most things I set out to write will be what I hoped they would be (or more). But I know plenty of writers—some who make a living writing—who are repulsed by what they write. (Or at least have doubts about their abilities, despite their repeated successes.)
I might be shy and awkward and clumsy, but when it comes to certain things, I’m very confident. I’m not that asshole who believes just because I can do it, others should shut up and do it, too…but for myself and writing, self-doubt is not a thing I struggle with.
One could not say the same for the protagonist of “Revisions.”
* * *
I wrote “Revisions” for people who struggle.
Just because I’m confident as a writer doesn’t mean I can’t fathom not being confident. (Again, I have friends who have found far greater success with writing than I have, who struggle with self-doubt. It’s insulting to say, “I do it—so can you!” My view on things like that is generally, “If you can do it, recognize how fortunate you are and don’t discredit the struggles of others.” All right, enough of that…)
It’s my hope the self-doubt and anxieties of the protagonist in “Revisions” are familiar to some. Writing can be lonely, and when you see people on social media talking about writing 2500 – 5000 words a day, even a good day writing for you can feel puny. (If I have a 1000-word day, it’s a great day writing. Hell, if I write 250 – 500 good words, I’m happy.) Add to that people who say writer’s block isn’t real, that you should just do it, and it’s no wonder why many writers wonder if they have what it takes. I know plenty of writers who gravitate toward online memes about doing laundry or the dishes to avoid writing because it lets them know they aren’t alone.
I don’t give great thought to deeper things in most things I write, but I’d lying if I said the house in “Revisions” isn’t symbolic of whatever our daily struggles are. For me, it’s balancing the writing I most love with the writing that pays the bills. (But I’ve written enough stories about day jobs getting in the way of things, so…this time, it was a house!) For many friends, it’s writing vs. raising kids. I know people who try balancing writing and school or writing vs. illnesses and disabilities. Hell, for some people, it’s just mustering the energy to sit down and write when it seems like the world is coming apart.
* * *
I wanted the self-doubts and struggles of “Revision’s” protagonist to resonate with the creative people I love who have their own battles. My wife does volunteer art for farm animal sanctuaries…and…she has an autoimmune disease. Some days it’s a struggle for her to just get up. Some days, art goes down with no effort; other days, she’s exhausted and not willing to deal with requested changes or the challenges of timelines because her body is fighting her.
I know a lot of writers who struggle to sit down and write for similar reasons…and many other reasons. I don’t even want to say “legitimate” reasons because that’s a shitty qualifier. If you struggle, that’s legitimate…even if you feel like you have no reason to struggle.
It’s amazing to me the number of adults who feel like they require permission to do the creative things they want to try. But…chat with them, and you find out they’ve had lifetimes of people telling them what to do and how to think. I’m not a fan of saying “Get over it!”
One doesn’t just get over a lifetime or self-doubts brought on by growing up in a controlling or outright abusive environment. Or even an environment where expectations were high, and nothing less than perfection would do.
So many creative people I know (and people who want to be creative), struggle because they feel if what they create isn’t perfect (often from the start) that they somehow suck. They compare themselves to others and only see perceived flaws, rather than their own strengths.
Trust me, there are so many writers I admire—people I wish I could write like. But I’ve also written enough that I know, even with just a tiny following, there are people who wish they could write like me.
* * *
I was raised by a mother who had few rules for my sister and me, but one of her biggest rules was, “No self-ridicule.” Negative self-talk was a no-no!
Sadly, I have friends who, when they make what they perceive as a mistake, still call themselves idiots. They shred themselves over the tiniest things. Tell them 5000 positive things about them and someone gets one negative thing through, that solitary negative thing will eat at them for weeks.
I’m not saying my mom’s influence is not present in “Revisions,” but it’s not as pervasive as some who know her and have listened to the story think. Still, I know how fortunate I am to have been raised in such an environment.
Life can beat up the luckiest of us on any given day, and some of us aren’t even fortunate enough to be lucky. Add to that the expectations we put on ourselves, or expectations we accept from others, and the things we love can feel like an anchor.
I didn’t set out to solve any problems with “Revisions,” but I did want to write something that maybe made some people feel heard and even understood.
Why? Because we can all afford to be kinder to others and, especially, ourselves…
* * *
Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.
I’m really looking forward to April’s story: a fun tale about a geek who, while knocking around an antique shop with his grandmother, finds something that changes his life in a most curious way…
Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!
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