[Listen]
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[Woman’s Voice]
This is Behind the Cut with Christopher Gronlund. The companion show to Not About Lumberjacks.
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Christopher Gronlund:
Behind the Cut is an in-depth look at the latest episode of Not About Lumberjacks and likely contains spoilers of the most recent story. You’ve been warned…
* * *
I was six years old when, during a weekend visit with my dad and his family, I was told my purpose in life was to carry on the family name.
It wasn’t said in those exact words, but that was the message.
It was a strange demand; after all, my father was creeping toward his mid-30s and still fertile. In fact, he did go on to remarry and have another child—a girl. But had my younger sister been a boy, and had I bought into the position of importance bestowed upon me by the Gronlund men who came before me, I would have been dethroned at the age of 10.
Just beginning life, but with no purpose.
* * *
Obviously, I don’t believe any of that…but I know people who would in that situation. Growing up, I saw many friends and acquaintances living lives chosen for them by others at a young age. Maybe it was the result of a dad lost in the glory days of his youth who ends up screaming at coaches at youth sporting events because—unlike him—his kid is destined for the big leagues.
Maybe it was an overbearing father pressuring his kids to succeed in business just as he had, even though the only thing going for him was money…if that’s your measure of success.
I’ve seen many people with lofty dreams told by those entrusted with their well-being to give them up and do what they deemed was best for them.
And, other times…I’ve seen people stick to their dreams and tell even family they no longer wanted them in their lives.
* * *
I wasn’t sure how the latest Not About Lumberjacks story, “The Song of the Stone,” would be received. I know first-hand how deciding to not have children can be seen by some…even though I would expect no one to do the same. Even more: creating a character who disowns family can be seen as extreme and wrong. (It’s always amazed me how quickly people can dispel the lifetime of abuse some faced with, “Your parents were only doing their best,” when they really weren’t.)
All these elements are part of a greater theme in the latest story: being true to yourself…living a life that, when your end comes, you don’t regret “what might have been…”
That aspect of “The Song of the Stone” seems to have resonated with listeners and readers, and I’m glad.
I often have a person or audience in mind when I write a story. If it’s a humorous story, I think about the friends I laugh with and know if they’d laugh at a scene, others will as well. Sometimes it’s not as specific—sometimes it might be as simple as, “I want to lift the spirits of someone feeling a bit down by the end of this story…”
With “The Song of the Stone,” I deliberately wrote a story for child-free people…and those who have stepped away from overbearing—even abusive—families.
* * *
Of course, when you write a story with such purpose, some might assume the actions of the characters are also those of the writer. It’s a fair point…there are some things I pulled from in my own life that made it into this tale.
- I was told at a young age that my duty was to carry on the family name.
- My wife and I were told by someone at a family reunion that we would have children…”just wait and see—you will!” (And, at another family reunion, told we clearly wanted kids because of the way we were “longingly” looking at a kid—when in reality, we were trying to determine if her face was smeared with dirt, chocolate, or feces.)
- And I did step away from most of my father’s side of the family because they were largely a bunch of bitter racists. (I believe if one won’t tolerate certain behaviors from a stranger, why accept them from family?)
But my story is not Zander’s story.
- Zander doesn’t want to marry…and I’m a month shy from 31 years with my wife.
- Zander did what his parents expected from him. My parents made no demands on me…I was allowed—even encouraged—to pursue my wildest dreams.
- Zander is so into solitude that he’s fine not having any friends. While I might be the most reclusive extrovert on the planet, I love my friends like family and enjoy time spent in their company.
I simply wanted to write a story for people like Zander because there aren’t many stories written for people like him. And I know, given history, there were no stories written for people like Einvaldr, who struggled with many of the same things people still deal with eleven-hundred-years later.
With “The Song of the Stone,” I wanted to write a story that says, “There’s nothing wrong with you or the different things you want from life.”
* * *
For all the smaller themes in the story, it’s clear the big one is about living a life free of regret. (Specifically, not living the life others demanding of you.)
There’s a song called “Sweat Loaf” by the Butthole Surfers that…well, I’m not recommending you go listen to it, but there’s a good line about regret in it. A son asks his father what regret means.
The father answers: “Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven’t done.”
In the context of the band, one could easily make an argument that it’s an endorsement of hedonism, but as a writer, I understand people sometimes see different things than the author’s intent—and that’s valid.
I always saw the line as saying, “At least try doing something”—that regretting a mistake is better than regretting not doing anything at all with your life.
* * *
I recently turned 54, and I can tell you there are things in my life I wish I’d done differently. But…it’s not regret.
No one lives a life free of mistakes. We all make poor decisions along the way and shouldn’t be made to carry them the rest of our days. I believe, if you’re a good person and do what you can to honor some of your truths, that you’re living well.
Your life may look like a wreck to others—and it very well might be—but if you’re living a life true to who you are, you’re doing better on some level than most people.
The line in the story: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me,” really is from an essay and book from a palliative care nurse named Bronnie Ware.
In the end, for all one might have accomplished, that is the most common regret she heard from dying people. And it’s no surprise—the people I know who carry the deepest regrets often came from judgmental households. They are often the people who lived the lives others expected of them, never even trying the things they always wanted to do.
* * *
Of course, many things are easier said than done.
I have a good job, but it is not the job I hoped to be doing when I was 20. Yet I’ve still found a way to be true to myself with this show. In ways, its lack of greater “success” only strengthens that truth. I keep making Not About Lumberjacks because I’ve always wanted to write and share stories with others.
I think the important thing is to not confuse one’s truth with an imaginary ideal.
When I was 20, I was naïve enough to believe the two were the same. Because I wanted to be a successful writer, anything less than that wouldn’t do. But I was still a realist: I believed I’d be comfortably supporting myself writing fiction by the time I was forty. (I gave myself 20 years to get there.)
That didn’t happen.
I can be sad about that, or…I can look at the body of work behind me—and know there’s still so much more to be written.
I know more than a few people who very well might have gone further with their writing than me but gave up because they didn’t get into a certain program or have a blockbuster debut. The imagined ideal mattered more than their truth. They were raised to believe if they didn’t succeed in a big way, that they failed.
In “The Song of the Stone,” Eivaldr still spent much of his life in Birka because most of us are bound by realities beyond our control. Zander lives in a time allowing more freedoms, but still doesn’t end up as a history teacher. And yet, each character found a way to make the things they loved their truths…because they refused to live the life others expected them to live.
I’m not the writer I believed I’d be when I was 20, but I’m not sure I’d be as true to myself had that been what I became.
* * *
Thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks and Behind the Cut. Theme music for Behind the Cut is a tune called “Reaper” by Razen. Visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the music, the episodes, and voice talent.
Also, for as little as a dollar a month, you can have access to a bigger behind-the-scenes look at Not About Lumberjacks on Patreon. Check out patreon.com/cgronlund if that sounds like your kinda thing.
In July, it’s a light-hearted tale about a writer who trades in his long-time muse for another…to disastrous effect.
Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!
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