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I want to make one thing perfectly clear: this show is not about lumberjacks…

My name is Christopher Gronlund, and every month I share a story. Sometimes the stories contain truths, but most of the time, they’re made up. Sometimes the stories are funny — other times they’re serious. But you have my word about one thing: I will never — EVER — share a story about lumberjacks.

This time, in honor of a new year of the show, it’s a one-shot audiodrama that I SWEAR has NOTHING to do with lumberjacks.

Oh, and a word of warning for anybody driving: this episode, near the end, does contain the sound of police sirens. So it’s not you or an emergency or anything like that. It’s just the show.

All right–let’s get to work…

* * *

Waking the Lumberjack…

NARRATOR (V.O.)
We all have families, whether we want ‘em or not, and dysfunction is the glue that holds most of them together. You can spend a lifetime trying to get unstuck from it all, and still go to the grave sticky. For most of us, it’s not even worth the fight.

Some families only operate on dysfunction and fight. And I’m gonna tell y’all a tale about one: the Mighty Howes. Maybe you heard of them? Big Papa Howe, Heavyweight Champion all across Canada? He reigned supreme over Stampede Wrestling, the International Wrestling Alliance, the International Wrestling Association, and of course, Maple Leaf Wrestling. When he owned all the titles a wrassler can own up in Canada, he stormed into America like a Blue Norther, claiming titles from coast to coast.

Only two things ever slowed Big Papa Howe down: his two boys, Big Mike and Little Mike, and Big Rick Coaster.

Ah, now you remember: the epic, house-rattlin’ battles between Big Papa Howe, the Ontario Lumberjack, and Big Rick Coaster, the Bad Boy from Boston.

I’ll let’cha in on a little secret about wrasslin’: a lotta them fellers hating each other inside of the squared circle are like brothers on the outside. But make no mistake: the hatred between Big Papa Howe and Big Rick Coaster was real.

D’Ah, It’s all coming back now, isn’t it? The Loser Quits Wrasslin’ Ontario League Wrestling Heavyweight Title Challenge: The day the two got so sick and tired of each other that they agreed to a perpetual-if-needed, falls count anywhere match with no time limit. Neither of them ever pinned the other…it’s been going on for decades. If they live to be a hundred, one can pin the other and claim the title, burying the other in the pages of history.

It was a big thing back in the day, and then it faded away, lost in the hubbub of that Kardashians show and all that the Netflixes had to offer.

But maybe you’re like me and still wonder about them…if one of them will ever storm into a hospital during the birth of the other’s great-grandchild and pin them, one-two-three, finally claiming the title neither has yet to win! Well, I hate to burst yer bubble with some bad news, but Big Papa Howe is dead.

The best we have now is checking in on his boys, who just-so-happen to be on their way to the funeral…

INT. CAR – DAY

Two brothers, BIG MIKE and LITTLE MIKE drive to their father’s funeral. BIG MIKE is at the wheel.

BIG MIKE
I still can’t believe he’s gone.

LITTLE MIKE
I know. I figured we’d end up dead before him. Me, at least.

BIG MIKE
Why you?

LITTLE MIKE
Juice. Not all of us are as built as naturally as you. That shit catches up with a body.

BIG MIKE
Yeah…I’m kinda surprised you’re alive. Glad, but surprised.

LITTLE MIKE
I don’t regret it, but I figured it would have caught up to me by now. So many of us are gone.

BIG MIKE
Yeah…
(beat)
I wonder if Mom will be there.

LITTLE MIKE
Dunno. I doubt it. He was a great father, but a shitty husband.

BIG MIKE
I think she’ll be there. Hope so, at least — I’ve not seen her for a while.
(beat)
You really think Dad was a great father?

LITTLE MIKE
Yeah. I don’t say things I don’t mean. Why? Don’t you?

BIG MIKE
I don’t know if I’d go as far as great. I mean, he taught us everything he knew. He was good to us. But he was never really there for Mom.

LITTLE MIKE
That’s why I said he was a great father, but a shitty husband. Mom knew what she was getting into when she married him.
(beat)
I’m hungry. Stop at the next Timmies, eh?

INT. TIMMIES – DAY.

The door DINGS as BIG MIKE and LITTLE MIKE enter.

LITTLE MIKE
Timbits. I want some motherfuckin’ timbits…

They make their way to the coffee station.

WRESTLING FAN
Uhm…Excuse me. I hate to bother you two. Aren’t you the Flying Lumberjacks?

BIG MIKE
We are, yes.

WRESTLING FAN
What are you doing in town?

LITTLE MIKE
Going to our father’s funeral.

WRESTLING FAN
Oh. Oh, no…I didn’t know. I’m sorry. My condolences.

BIG MIKE
It’s okay. What can we do for you?

WRESTLING FAN
I was gonna ask for your autographs, but no worries.

BIG MIKE
You didn’t know; it’s fine.
(beat)
Do you have a pen?

WRESTLING FAN
I…don’t. Sorry.

BIG MIKE
I don’t either. I can go get one.

WRESTLING FAN
No, really, that’s fine. I don’t want to bother you. Especially, considering…

BIG MIKE
Do you have a phone? We can at least all take a selfie together.

WRESTLING FAN
I do. Have a phone. One second…

BIG MIKE
(whispers to LITTLE MIKE)
Pst, Mike…

LITTLE MIKE
Oh. Okay.

WRESTLING FAN
Hi.

LITTLE MIKE
Hi.

WRESTLING FAN
Let me just…uh…

WRESTLING FAN snaps a photo.

BIG MIKE
That work for ya?

WRESTLING FAN
Yes, thank you. And sorry again. About your father.

BIG MIKE
Thank you.

LITTLE MIKE POURS COFFEE.

BIG MIKE
Thought you were getting Timbits with your coffee?

LITTLE MIKE
I am. And maybe some snacks that travel well for the road.

A man from the coffee station approaches.

COFFEE MAN
I never liked you two.

BIG MIKE
Excuse me?

COFFEE MAN
The Flying Lumberjacks. You guys are lame.

BIG MIKE
We’re all entitled to our opinions. I’d chat, but we’re on our way to our father’s funeral.

COFFEE MAN
Oh, I heard.

LITTLE MIKE
You heard about our father and you still came up to tell us we suck? What kind of shitty person does that? What, did Twitter ban you and you needed a troll fix?

BIG MIKE
Calm down…

LITTLE MIKE
No, I’m not calming down. This guy knows we’re beat up and on the way to see our dead father in a box, and he tries picking a fight?

COFFEE MAN
Eh, listen to your brother, Mikey. You don’t want any of this.

LITTLE MIKE takes several quick steps toward COFFEE MAN.

COFFEE MAN picks up an INFLATABLE Moosehead Can and hits LITTLE MIKE with it.

LITTLE MIKE
A word of advice, eh: if you’re going to pick a fight with a wrestler, grab something better than an inflatable Moosehead can display that won’t even hurt a four-year-old. You have bottles and hot coffee within reach, and you act like you’re starting a pillow fight.

BIG MIKE
Don’t react. This is what he wants.

LITTLE MIKE
You’re right, you’re right. Okay…

LITTLE MIKE walks off in a huff.

COFFEE MAN
Eh, I’m glad your dad is dead.

LITTLE MIKE
What did you just say?!

BIG MIKE holds back LITTLE MIKE.

BIG MIKE
Hey, hey…let it go. You’re not going to do Dad any favors by getting locked up and missing the funeral. He has to live with who he is. Don’t remember this asshole — remember the other guy who wanted our autographs.

LITTLE MIKE
You’re lucky, you fuck.

COFFEE MAN throws the inflatable Molson can at LITTLE MIKE.

LITTLE MIKE
Oh, yeah, throw the inflatable Moosehead can, big man…
(beat)
I’m suddenly not hungry anymore…

EXT. TIMMIES – DAY.

With a DING, the Howe Brothers leave Timmies.

LITTLE MIKE makes a bee line for a truck.

BIG MIKE
Hey, car’s over there…

LITTLE MIKE HITS and RIPS the SIDE MIRROR off a pickup truck, tossing it to the ground.

BIG MIKE
What the hell are you doing?

LITTLE MIKE
Eh, it had to be his truck. No other vehicles in the lot, ‘cept our car.

LITTLE MIKE walks to the car, opens the door, and climbs inside.

LITTLE MIKE
You coming?

BIG MIKE
(sighs)

BIG MIKE walks to the car, opens the door, gets inside, and starts the engine.

INT. CAR – DAY

Back in the car, the Howe brothers continue their drive.

BIG MIKE
I still can’t believe you ripped the mirror off that guy’s truck.

LITTLE MIKE
He’s lucky that’s all I broke.

BIG MIKE
I know. I wanted to go at him, too.
(beat)
But like Dad always said, people will try getting a rise out of us, hoping for a lawsuit. He prepared us for that kind of thing.

LITTLE MIKE
Yeah, you’re right. I still wanted to bust that guy, though. Smash him all over the coffee station, eh?

BIG MIKE
I know, I know — me, too. But we’d have looked bad. People like Canadians. We’re wholesome. Even though you’re Chicago dirt with a bad accent.

LITTLE MIKE
I was made in Canada. I just came out in Chicago. You’re lucky you’re driving until I calm down, or I’d bust your rack.

They drive along, enjoying a moment of silence.

BIG MIKE
Want to listen to some music?

LITTLE MIKE
No.

BIG MIKE
How about a podcast?

LITTLE MIKE
I don’t get why you like those things so much.

BIG MIKE
It’s something different. There’s one called The End of Time and Other Bothers you might like. I hear the guy who plays that Eggerton fella is pretty swell.

LITTLE MIKE
I don’t like podcasts. Weird people make podcasts.

BIG MIKE
We dress up like lumberjacks and fight people in spandex. Don’tcha think that’s a bit weird?

LITTLE MIKE
No.

BIG MIKE
Gotcha. So…no podcasts, then?

LITTLE MIKE
I said no!

BIG MIKE
All right, all right. No music — no podcasts. Anything you want to chat about?

LITTLE MIKE
How about this: my big brother never shuts up. If I saw a shrink, that’s what I’d tell ‘em, eh. “I love him to death, but he never shuts the fuck up…”

BIG MIKE
Sorry, eh.

Silence; then…

LITTLE MIKE
No, I’m sorry. I know I’m a hard person to travel with. To live with. I’m lucky. To have had Dad. To have Mom and especially you as a big brother.

BIG MIKE
(beat)
It’s weird…I feel like you’re the big one, and I’m the little brother.

LITTLE MIKE
I know. Me, too…

Little Mike takes a deep breath.

LITTLE MIKE
I’m glad you’re here for this. I don’t think I could do it without you.

The sound of TIRES ON GRAVEL coming to a STOP.

INT. GYM – DAY.

BIG MIKE and LITTLE MIKE enter the gym where their father’s funeral is taking place.

RANDOM WRESTLER
The Mikes are here!

LITTLE MIKE
Hey, guys.

The brothers head over to their MOM as others pat them on their shoulders and offer condolences.

WRESTLER 1
I’m so sorry, guys.

BIG MIKE
Thank you.

WRESTLER 2
He was the greatest…

LITTLE MIKE
We appreciate that.

WRESTLER 3
He’ll be missed.

MIKES
He will. Thanks.

BIG MIKE
Mom!

MOM HUGS and KISSES BIG MIKE and LITTLE MIKE.

MOM
I was worried about you two.

LITTLE MIKE
You know how slow Big Mike drives.

BIG MIKE
Well, if someone hadn’t needed a rage cool-down, he could have driven.

MOM
Oh. What happened?

LITTLE MIKE
Nothing. It’s behind us. I just got a little worked up about something. The important thing is we’re here, now.

BIG MIKE
So…there he is…

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Now let me set the scene for y’all. Big Papa Howe owned a gym out in the sticks west of Nestor Falls, Ontario. So many wrasslers came up under his guidance. Some always questioned why he didn’t set up in a more populated place, but Big Papa Howe said, “If they come out this far, I know they’re serious about learning.”
(beat)
Now, in that very gym…in the middle of the practice ring, his casket rests.

BIG MIKE
Well, I guess we better pay our respects.

LITTLE MIKE
Yeah…

INT. WRESTLING RING – DAY.

BIG MIKE and LITTLE MIKE approach the casket.

BIG MIKE
Hi, Dad.

LITTLE MIKE
Yeah, hi.

BIG MIKE
Sorry we didn’t make it to the hospital, but you know how it is out on the road.
(beat)
I’m gonna miss you.

BIG MIKE breaks down crying.

LITTLE MIKE joins in.

They sniffle and regain their composure.

BIG MIKE
Ah, sorry about that.

LITTLE MIKE
No worries, eh. He was an incredible man.
(beat; chuckling)

BIG MIKE
What’s so funny?

LITTLE MIKE
Just…how big that nose of his was.

BIG MIKE
No shit.

LITTLE MIKE
It’s like a sail. You could cross an ocean in his casket with that thing, eh.

BIG MIKE
He used to say he wanted a Viking funeral.

LITTLE MIKE
I thought about that. Putting him in a boat and pushing it out on Clarkson Lake. Our luck, though, he’d float out of range before we could hit it with a flaming arrow. He floats away, and someone finds his body. Stuffs and mounts it and sells admission to see him as a roadside attraction up in Sioux Narrows or something.

MIKES
(laughing)
(beat)

FATHER KUPFER
Boys, I’m ready to begin the service.

They exit the ring.

INT. GYM – DAY.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Some might say it was a strange place for a funeral service, but those in attendance saw a beautiful send-off for a man like a father to more than just his two boys.

FATHER KUPFER
Big Papa Howe was a friend, a mentor — a man who never knew a stranger.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
If he was looking down, I’m sure he was happy to see everybody gathered together in remembrance of all he did in life.

FATHER KUPFER
He lives on in his two sons, Big Mike and Little Mike.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
So many livelihoods started in that old gym in the north woods.

FATHER KUPFER
And our hearts are with Amelia, Big Papa Howe’s wife of 52 years.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And it was a perfect service, until–

The front doors FLY OPEN as BIG RICK COASTER, his two sons, BIG RICK and LITTLE RICK (THE BOSTON BRAWLERS), and a REF carrying a belt storm in.

BIG RICK COASTER
Aaaaayyyy, I’ve come to pin the old man before he goes under for good!

NARRATOR (V.O.)
I have a bit of a confession: I never liked Big Rick Coaster or the Boston Brawlers, not even on account that they are Yankees.
(beat)
But on account that they are just genuinely shitty people.

BIG RICK COASTER
By the rules agreed upon by both of us in 1987, this match will finally come to an end. I have with me a certified referee and the Ontario League Wrestling Heavyweight Championship belt. Now, if you’ll kindly step aside, I have business to attend to.

LITTLE MIKE
Like hell you do!

NARRATOR (V.O.)
This was an even more low-down attack by Big Rick Coaster than the infamous Longo’s incident of 1989, when he and his boys brought a ref into the store and brutalized Big Papa Howe in the condiment aisle as he shopped for Canada Day goodies.

S/FX
Fighting – Breaking jars.

VOICE OVER PA
Wet clean-up on aisle four…

FATHER KUPFER
How dare you interrupt this service, Richard.

BIG RICK COASTER
I’m sorry, Father, but if roles were reversed, I’m sure they’d do the same to me.

LITTLE MIKE
That’s bullshit, Coaster, and you know it!

FATHER KUPFER
Please, Michael…

NARRATOR (V.O.)
This was shaping up to be as bad as the Sizzler incident of 1994, when the boys from Boston attacked Big Papa Howe while eating dinner. The battle spilled into the kitchen, and it was only when Big Papa Howe pressed Big Rick Coasters cheek to the grill that he was able to escape unpinned through the back door.

FATHER KUPFER
Let’s all let cooler heads prevail…

NARRATOR (V.O.)
I’ve never been one to watch ice hockey like they do up in Canada, but I know enough about the sport to know that sometimes games develop in such a manner that tension turns into cheap shots that leave people hurt.
(beat)
Sometimes when things swell to the point of seeming like it’s all ready to explode, a fight can release that tension.
(beat)
Amelia Howe must be quite a hockey fan because she released the tension in the room by charging up behind Big Rick Coaster and splitting the back of his head wide open with a chair.
(beat)
After a brief moment of silence, all hell broke loose…
(beat)
The Boston Brawlers instantly squared off with Big Mike and Little Mike, chuckin’ knuckles and trading chops.
(beat)
It freed up Big Rick Coaster, who made a beeline for the ring with the ref.
(beat)
Before long, the battle between the Flying Lumberjacks and the Boston Brawlers made its way into the ring.
(beat)
And that’s when it happened…
(beat)
In the scuffle beside the casket, the Boston Brawlers were knocked out of commission by a pile driver and a DDT from Big Papa Howe’s boys.
(beat)
When Big Rick Coaster turned to see his sons dropped, he was met in the face by another chair hit from Amelia Howe, dropping him flat on his old back.
(beat)
When Big Mike Howe stood up, he bumped the table holding his father’s casket. It seemed to happen in slow motion time: everybody reaching for the sliding coffin, but unable to stop it from toppling to the mat.
(beat)
It was a horrifying scene as the body of Big Papa Howe spilled from from the casket, but what seemed like the most terrible thing anyone present had ever seen turned out to be a glorious sight.
(beat)
Big Papa Howe’s right arm wasn’t so stiff that it couldn’t flop over onto the chest of Big Rick Coaster.
(beat)
The ref dropped to the mat and counted the fall — ONE, TWO, THREE!
(beat)
Father Kupfer sounded the bell, and the attendees erupted into celebration…they’d just witnessed Big Papa Howe winning the Ontario League Wrestling Heavyweight title!

SIRENS roar in the distance.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The sound of police sirens was enough to rouse the stunned Bostonites, who — realizing they’d been defeated — fled before matters got even worse for ‘em.
(beat)
The referee stayed behind, being extra careful as he raised Big Papa Howe’s arm in victory.

INT. GYM – DAY.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Once the police had come and gone (they agreed not to pursue the Bad Boys from Boston on account of Big Rick Coaster losing what he came for being worse than any punishment the law can dole out), Big Mike and Little Mike paid final respects to their father.

BIG MIKE
That belt looks good one him, eh?

LITTLE MIKE
Indeed.
(beat; snickers)

BIG MIKE
What?

LITTLE MIKE
Maybe it happened when he rolled out of the casket, but is it just me, or does it look like he’s smiling just a bit?

BIG MIKE
It sure does…
(beat)
Well, we better get going.
(beat)
Bye, Dad.

LITTLE MIKE
Yeah. Bye, you badass son of a bitch.

BIG MIKE and LITTLE MIKE make their way to their MOM.

BIG MIKE
We need to get going if we’re gonna make tonight’s match over in Winnipeg.

MOM
I really wish you’d not push yourselves so much.

LITTLE MIKE
Dad never missed a match and neither have we.

MOM
I understand. He was a good father to you boys. A shitty husband, but a good father.

BIG MIKE
A great father.
(beat)
We’ll come back through in a couple days and stay a few.

MOM
(kisses BIG MIKE’s cheek)
I’d like that.

LITTLE MIKE
Bye, Mom.

MOM
(kisses LITTLE MIKE’S cheek)
Goodbye.
(beat)
You boys be safe, eh!

MIKES
We will.

INT. CAR – DAY.

BIG MIKE
Hell of a day, eh?

LITTLE MIKE
Yeah. Crazy day.

BIG MIKE
You gonna be good for tonight’s match?

LITTLE MIKE
Always am. How ’bout you?

BIG MIKE
We’re Big Papa Howe’s boys — you tell me!

They drive along a moment; then…

LITTLE MIKE
If you want, go ahead and listen to one of your podcasts.

BIG MIKE
You sure?

LITTLE MIKE
Yeah. We have a few hours ahead of us. It will either keep me awake, or I’ll pull over, let you drive, and I’ll get some sleep.

BIG MIKE
Excellent — thanks! There’s one called Not About Lumberjacks I think you’ll love…

S/FX
Show intro plays…

FADE OUT

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Well, things sure turned out all right in the end for the Mighty Howes. Even in death, Big Papa Mike Howe won a title. The boys have their Mama, and she has her boys. Not much more is needed beyond that.

Maybe I was wrong about what I said earlier, that the glue holding families together is dysfunction. Maybe that’s just an ingredient on the list. You flip the bottle over and read what’s inside: Love, Grief, Humor, Dysfunction, Memories, Secrets, Shame, Honor, and a whole buncha Unknown.

I don’t know what’s in store for the Flying Lumberjacks, but I like to think they’ll do all right in the long run. There are worse things in life than having a nemesis that makes you rise to your best; I think the Howe boys and the Coasters will eventually settle their scores. When you look at it from the right angle, humanity’s just one big, dysfunctional family trying to get along at the dinner table. I hope we do…and I hope you win whatever battles you might be fighting.

Y’all take care, now — and do your thing as best as you can…

* * *

A big thank you for listening to Not About Lumberjacks.

Waking the Lumberjack starred Tim Czarnecki as the Narrator.

Michael Howie as Big Mike Howe.

Me, Christopher Gronlund as Little Mike Howe…doing a really bad Canadian accent.

Rocky Westbrook as The Wrestling Fan.

Cynthia Griffith as Mama Howe.

Shawn Kupfer doubled up and played two roles: the Dicky Coffee Guy and of course, Father Kupfer.

And let’s not forget our special guest, Rick Coste as Big Rick Coaster.

Additional wrestlers and grunting provided by various talent listed above.

Theme music for Not About Lumberjacks provided by Ergo Phizmiz.

Waking the Lumberjack features the song, “Beggars and Felons,” by Power and Beauty, released under a Creative Commons license.

This episode was written and directed by me, Christopher Gronlund. A big thanks to co-producers, Rick Coste and Cynthia Griffith. Be sure to visit nolumberjacks.com for information about the show, the voice talent, and music.

In one month, because people seemed to love it last year — it’s another December of micro-fiction. Allrighty, then…

Until next time: be mighty, and keep your axes sharp!